sahara-elizabeth-avery-blog - Tumblr blog

sahara-elizabeth-avery-blog · 6 years

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A piece of me.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

My innocence vanished faster than my mind could erase it. The others well, i cant speak for them but i know they are mentally stable, their mind must have subconsciously blocked it out. For me, i still live it everyday, a secret i kept for 16 years.

The first time i had sex was when i was thirteen the first time i was fucked i was raped behind a strip mall against a green garbage bin.

Hmm Fucked. The word fuck can be used to describe almost everything, there isn't just one definition that explains the word.

I was drunk for the first time. He was only 15. Did he know what he did? I didn't think he did. I still to this day don’t think he did anything wrong. But I remember yelling stop. I let it slip my mind but my mind doesn't allow things like that to escape. That’s when the drugs started and the drinking and filling myself with boys who didn't matter to try and feel whole again.

That never stopped i am still empty but left with scars. I was made to see a shrink little did my parents know what was really going on, he was an odd looking man from New York, i told him both now my biggest secrets that ate away at me, taking a piece of my life everyday, he told me to ball it up like paper and throw it out the window and to FORGET what sexual trauma i had been through since i was 3.

His diagnoses; clinical depression, general and social anxiety.

Hello Prozac. Shortly after i attempted suicide. My sister needed attention because telling my parents i was no longer a virgin but a whore with genital warts who does drugs who has rages wasn't enough so she told everyone in school i tried to kill her instead of how i overdosed. I wish i could say this story isn't all sad but i would be lying. There are happy parts but nothing ever lasts.

Hello Zoloft goodbye Prozac, welcome clonazepam and number two psychiatrist; and the diagnoses of Major depressive disorder. I wouldn't speak of the sexual abuse i had suffered i don’t think i needed to. She could tell i was holding back i told her some traumatic things that had happened in my life and that the Prozac did nothing for me although mixing cocaine, alcohol, and methamphetamine's with SSRI’s was never a good idea. I started getting drug tested so i became an alcoholic still allowing guys to enter my body to try and keep it full.

New psychiatrists came and left like the boys between my legs did as years went by the worst i became, in every way. Cipralex was next, shitty to meet you and nice to meet you razor blades my legs welcome you and were going to have some fun with you Clonazepam.

Im 17 now, i fell in love with an abusive son of a bitch but god was he a good fuck. I dropped out of school due to my addiction to drugs and addiction to him and then I left everything behind to follow him to the island, where he was going to trade school for the next 9 months. I was staying at my pops, 4 hours away, we seen each other every weekend. Piece of shit. I was young and gullible he was 23, dead beat father but my everything. It’s possible that if he didn't abuse me emotionally the way he did maybe my mental state wouldn't have changed so fast. Maybe i had years, good happy years left before it was my time to present as unstable. Fuck you. I thank my parents for knowing me so well and flying out when they did because i was ready to finish what i tried when i was 13. I was rushed to the hospital and studied by yet another psychiatrist for 14 days to determine if i was bipolar or if i had borderline personality disorder. Diagnoses; An extreme case of borderline personality disorder. (along with previous diagnoses)

Hello wellbutrin. Cool a NDRI. SSRI’s never seemed to work. Having norepinephrine in the mix was a game changer, could it help my rages? my black out cutting rages? Please help me.

Oh hello more drugs, Xanax i really like you, valium makes me tired i want to get high, lets be friends X.

Hello to the most memorizing hazel eyes and smile, my second crush of my entire life. No. The absolute love of my life. The still love of my life. I’m 18 now. We moved an ounce of cocaine a day and split an ounce, we spent 4 months side by side selling and doing drugs. We began a relationship it was beautiful for the most part. We fucked and fucked and fucked until we couldn't fuck anymore we finally made love, something both of us hadn’t felt in a long time, and me ever. He says i was his first love i was 19 now. I wont go into detail because all i have to say is that he is the true love of my life and im so so sorry i lost him a couple months ago.

Hello seroquel, im begging you to help me.

Words can hurt and if you use them correctly it could be a two bottles of antidepressants, benzos, and seroquel down my throat. Goodbye mom, goodbye dad, goodbye family. Goodbye hazel eyes. I loved you. Time to leave my body. I was stable all night with a breathing tube down my throat, i woke up and then slipped into a coma after suffering 18 seizures within two hours. It was time to say goodbye to me. My family said their goodbyes. its a lie you know. You cannot hear them or feel them around you. Im in trouble im no longer breathing on my own, the doctor was smart enough and being very cautious with me by putting me on a breathing machine before i stopped breathing, because i stopped. I was dying, i was put on life support and sent to a better hospital.

God dammit.

I woke up. unharmed. alive. well. but angry.

Effexor, valium and seroquel. I dont know how to greet you. Ill try you. Hazel eyes you’re still with me. I love you.

Hello rehab, i dont like you. 27 days of pure bullshit. Im home again now, when parents dont know what to do with their children they kick them out. I am homeless. Hazel eyes baby, move in with me. My heart is full. He is mine forever, we get engaged.

Friends? Where did you go i only left to better myself. its okay i understand it.

Hospital every two weeks, suicidal. constant overdosing. Stabbing. Abuse. Hazel eyes turned black sometimes when he was angry.

It’s September the 10th. Im being brutally raped and sexually assaulted by three 30 year old men who enjoy re-watching. That video disgusts me. Thank you for killing me inside and out my life if forver ruined because of you, you hold my life.

Extreme PTSD you are not wanted please go away please go away.

For my 20th birthday i moved into a homeless shelter. Happy Birthday lost cause. 22 days after my birthday my friend overdoses and dies. Hazel eyes has nothing in them, he hurts me. I hurt him back. We keep fighting its gotten physical, mental and emotional. We will never be the same and neither will my wrists. He leaves in march and i never see him again. My heart is broke. Im sorry.

It is now July. its been 10 months since i was raped, the case is still on going, i am 21 years old, alive, thriving, learning to live again.

**I haven't been in a hospital for 6 months, no self harm for 7 months. Diagnoses; Borderline personality disorder, Major depressive disorder, severe PTSD, general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic attack disorder, major insomnia, anorexia nervosa, possible bipolar type 2.**

These are just some bad pieces of me i am sharing with you. There are more worse ones and there are better ones but these are for you.

So yeah this is another story on someones life you don’t even know but now you do, i am Sahara nice to meet you.

#life mentalhealth apieceofme living health love hurt

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