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Some night yeah, I find myself in pain not because of the boy that broke my heart but because of the fact that I let some get that close to break it.
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I tend to be emotionally detached from everything because I use to put my whole heart and soul into everything and everyone and they’ve always left me.
So why attach myself to things that aren’t forever.
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Am I asking for too much when it comes to being loved. Am I asking for too much that no one wants to be there?
I don’t know. I don’t know how much I can continue to hide from this pain.
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It had been so long since I’ve cried over someone like that. I talked to Tavaris before I left Dallas and “broke” things off with him but he had let me go long before that. I looked him in his eyes and it wasn’t the reflection of me there. But it was someone else. Then I learn there was someone else. I feel nothing but anger. My Bestfriend Tayza said, “You’re looking for someone to love you the way you would love them” and she’s not wrong. But fuck that pain hurt so bad. I felt like nothing. Like I was worthless. And all this time, I feel worthless. I’m tired of this. Loving alone.
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And just like that. I invisioned jumping off the tallest floor of this buildings
Got woken up to slamming from David coming in my. Like wtf. And then Tavaris is out in Dallas. Yeah fuck that’s I blocked him. If you aren’t my peace you’re my problem. I can’t keep sweating over a boy.
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I just woke up in the middle of the night from the worst nightmare. It’s guilt. I know Tavaris and I aren’t anything but does talking mean we are anything considering. Fuck my head is fucked right now. It’s not guilt or is it. It’s 5:15am and I can’t go back to sleep. I need to breathe but I can tell you this has to be a psychotic episode. My chest hurts and I wanna run from it. Fuck fuck fuck
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Fuck. My chest is dropping. For some reason my confidence is shot. The antidepressants are wearing off. I needed this damn psychiatrist appointment. In hitting my low. Fuck my damn life
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My psychiatrist called in sick today and I’d have to wait a month to see her. And to schedule with someone else I’d have to wait a month. Maybe this is my sign. I had bet on this day, so I could stay alive….
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I feel like I continue to find myself in a toxic environment every single time. Where it becomes the point that I feel like there’s a common denominator. Me. Like I find home in a toxic environment so I’m quick to bring myself into it. What to do next
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Idk dude, I sit here just thinking, y’all are all assholes, like whatever be two face but I’m just coming in, doing my job, a good ass job and going home!
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I am so set on it. Literally killing myself and giving up. Literally leaving tonight and I get a text message. “… is so excited for her private with you!” Like this kid seriously got a private booked with me for her birthday. I meant that much to her that she wanted a private on her birthday with me. Fuck dude. I can’t leave these kids like this. And it’s like. Is it worth staying in such a toxic ass environment just to change lives. I’m losing myself and trying my best to put it back together ten times stronger but. I don’t fucking know.
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Is it because I’m in a toxic environment. Like I just want to do what I love to do. Coach cheerleading. Like this means everything to me but omfg why does it get ruin by an asshole. Then it’s like I’ve stepped up to every challenge but OMFG why the hell an I treated like dog shit. I’m just so tired of being called all these names and yet I am suppose to smile and keep going. I rather go fucking kill myself. And honestly. Doing it while living out the rest of my life sounds great
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But if I leave, I’m leaving. I cannot do this anymore. Like this is all bullshit
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I don’t know. Like I don’t fucking know. What do I want to do with my life because this isn’t it. Like I’m so unhappy and I feel like this is a fucking pattern. Like I shouldn’t be this miserable.
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I sit here and watch everyone look at me like I did something wrong to them but never ask if something is wrong with me. They literally are quick to question what’s wrong with me when I’m really happy but don’t say anything when I really sad. I’m like y’all are all fake and I don’t do that. But don’t worry, once I’m gone y’all can really say fuck off
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Grew up believing everyone’s love was real to turn into now believing none of it is due to so much betrayal
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