Tuesday, December 17th 2019 1:05 am
I got signed out of tumblr and I signed back in but into the wrong account, and I read all my old letters. Weāre not friends anymore, but Iām friends with Maisie and Em and theyāre better, I cut my hair, I stayed at dads and am back now. I go to the vinery now. A bunch of other shit like a third cat, and a leopard gecko.
0 notes
Being Fine And Being Good Arenāt The Same
Dear Self,Ā
Some moments Iāll be fine and a second later Iāll have to hide my face and make sure no part of me is visible, not even an outline of my fat ugly body. Iāll be happy and fine and then suddenly I have all my insecurities whispering in my ear all the things wrong with me and my body.Ā
If I say Iām feeling fine why donāt you question me because fine is just above feeling like crap. If I say Iām feeling good you ask why, but when I say Iām fine you nod your head or continue what we call small talk.
0 notes
M.
Dear M,
I only really write to P and myself, but right now I am writing to you.
You donāt have anxiety, or depression. You arenāt bi or pan. My proof you ask?
I broke and showed you and MA my cuts, a little while later in gym you took your jacket off, for no reason by the way, and showed me your arm and saidĀ āMA pushed me into a bush!ā but she didnāt, part of me wished she did so I texted her asking if she did, of course she said no.Ā
Sometimes after that you would come up to me with you arms on display for me to see like a trophy case full of the most wonderful achievements in your life. It was so triggering, the only thought running through my headĀ āI made them do this, itās my fault, they didnāt do this before they knew about my cuts, Iām such a horrible person!ā and it was hell.
You told P that when I found out about your cuts it was in the cloakroom and I pulled up your sleeves and said cutting was for attention and was stupid.Ā
Darling if I thought it was stupid and for attention why would I drag a blade across my own skin, why would I be so embarrassed about it if anyone saw a cut, even though the excuse that my bird did it always worked. I have small lovebirds, their talons cannot cut like a knife it should have been obvious damnit.
I came out as bi, nobody really knew, mainly you, oh and the friends you told, without my permission. Not long later you come out as bi and make it a big thing. Your friend basically forces us to date but the way she does it is almost like sheās challenging my sexuality.Ā
I came out as pan after that, you said something like this,Ā āwhatās pan? Iām pan! Iām definitely pan! What is pan even?ā you asked me what it meant then proceeded to tell me you were pan without understanding the actual definition.Ā
I one day tell you and MA some of the problems in my life and you suddenly start complaining about your own, MA tells me how she wishes she has cereal for dinner, after I explained that my parents never make me dinner and when they do nobody tells me so itās all gone or cold and gross. Oh my bad your life is so horrible because you get home cooked meals every night instead of cereal or nothing at all.Ā
There is so many more things youāve done to me but these are the easiest to prove.
0 notes
I Realized Something
Dear Friend,
Iām not your first choice am I? When I see things about not being anyones first choice despite them being your best friend, I always think about how Iām your first choice. In reality I donāt think I am, I think if you were closer to Drew, as in a way you knew he wanted to be your friend, and you were given the option to be friends with me or him, youād probably choose him.Ā
I cannot confidently say I think youād save my life over his.Ā
You probably canāt even confidently say that.
If I was in a life or death situation, how many people could you also place in that situation with me and not confidently say youād save me rather than them? If A=me, X=the people you canāt confidently say youād let die to save me, and -=the gun,
A - X,
X= who? D perhaps?Ā
0 notes
Dear Friend,
Screw you, telling me I shouldnāt be concerned about my mother. Who are you to tell me. Sheās smoking up to 5 times in a hour sometimes, of course Iām concerned.
I have every right to be concerned when the only times I see her is when she goes out the back door for a smoke or when Iām forced to sleep in her bed cuz J has friends over so my dad has to sleep in my bed. I have every right to be concerned when I missed out on a proper childhood because my mother was busy smoking, cutting, screaming, and brushing off everything I said.Ā
I lost my childhood to her. I just wish I could make mistakes and my parents understand that when Iām older I wonāt be able to make mistakes so they should let me now.
I wish my parents would understand Iām not perfect.
Mother if you think I have an eating disorder get me a therapist donāt just sit and listen to me throw up a couple rooms over.
I have every right to be concerned when sheās slowly ruining her own life.
Sheās exactly how I feel when I wake up at 5 pm and sit in my bed and eat for the hours Iām awake, wasting yet another day. I donāt want to grow up and be like her wallowing in self pity. I donāt want to feel like Iāve done nothing but be a wife who gets cheated on and sexually abused. I donāt want to be her. Is it sexual abuse if she goes along with it, no. I think she goes along with it, but what do I know. Iām just a pathetic child, a child who knows too much because sheās observant and goes through peoples shit.
Iām sorry Iām concerned for my mother whoās wasting away her own life and blatantly lies to me.
0 notes
I Did It Again
Dear Friend,Ā
I jumped to conclusions again. I assumed you were ignoring me but I just forgot you were sick, you were just asleep. Iām sorry.
My mum didnāt take me to get a prescription today. If we donāt go tomorrow I will probably have a mental breakdown everything is too much to take. I need meds to control my emotions and anxiety, I know my anxiety isnāt bad but maybe meds would stop my crazy outbursts.Ā
I hate not being able to control my emotions, Iām 13 not 7.Ā
0 notes
Iām Sorry.
Dear Friend,
I am so very sorry. Your problems are so much worse than mine yet I cry and I self harm and I weep in my room for hours. I force myself to throw up the foods Iāve eaten, I consider killing myself, but my problems are not bad. My problems are merely nothing. I am so sorry I exist, Iām sure youād leave me to be friends with D in an instance. Iām sorry I canāt be good enough for you. I regret so many things each day, I regret being sad, I should be happy and less lazy. I should stop using my ADHD as an excuse to be lazy, I need to start doing my homework. I need to smile more, cry less. I have to eat healthily, work out more. Throw away my blades, shower every single night. The list goes on and on. I need to stop talking so much, I need to stop overreacting. Iām sorry that I donāt experience similar problems to you, Iām sorry I basically experience no problems, Iām extremely sorry that I get mad at Megan for faking depression when that is practically what I am doing. Iām sorry that I canāt ever understand your anxiety or your panic attacks. Iām sorry I just sat there, Iām sorry I didnāt say anything,
Iām sorry I exist.
0 notes
Your Gender
Dear Friend,
Youāre questioning your gender again, this time as a demiboy. You donāt know I know that you think youāre a demiboy, or maybe you do cuz I suggested it to you. I will no longer use C because thatās the first letter of the name you donāt think you like anymore. I hope it gets easier for you.
Love,
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Alex.
0 notes
Your New Colour Coding System
Dear C,
You found out I knew your colour system so you made another, but I had your phone in my math class. Iām sorry I went through your notes, I didnāt mean to. I know your colour coding system, I have photos. The photos are upside down though, I donāt know how that happened.Ā
Iām typing this as youāre here, you said that you love how I can touch type. You told me that you never know what youāre gonna type so you canāt type fast. You told me youāre better at copying something while typing it up.
I also found your tumblr. I didnāt mean to go through your notes and tumblr. I really didnāt. I didnāt mean to translate your french note to english so Iād know what it said. I really didnāt I just did it and I didnāt want to, Iām really sorry.Ā
Iām Sam on your tumblr. Sam, like Ham Bagel/Michael, your brothers old friend that we bug, heās cool I like him. I really do like D, its just that he doesnāt like me. I donāt want you to be friends with him because you already seem to prefer him.Ā
My right side is in pain now, and I donāt know why. I ate ice cream, too much. You had some too, but Iām still mad at myself.
Love,
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Alex.
0 notes
6:00 am issues.
Dear C,
You have a colour coding system for emotions. You liked the photo, probably because you know I go through your liked photos. You said it was a purple day, I was confused until I messaged you and you told me you had a colour coding system. You donāt know I know what each colour means.Ā
I went to sleep at 10-ish and woke up at 2:30-ish. I slept for 10-20 minutes a few times throughout the day after 5:00 pm roughly. I felt weird all day, I was shaking and all I ate for lunch from 12:34-1:20 was chips and chocolate, and an energy drink. I went and threw up in the school toilets, twice. Once during English and the next time while I was skipping Foods. I just could not stop shaking. I felt so horrible, and I really donāt want to fall back into this cycle. The constant shaking, falling asleep in classes, always being annoyed, always feeling sick, and the only difference this time basically is that Iāll be throwing up and eating less.
I donāt want to be stuck in this cycle again, last time it lasted almost two school terms. I donāt want that. If I go to the doctors I just hope they donāt have to take blood until my scars have healed. I also hope nothing about an eating disorder comes up.Ā
Iām sorry I didnāt message you when you posted about your emotions being orange and yellow, you wanted to talk to someone and for someone to check up on you, I was just asleep. Iām sorry Iām always sleeping at random times. I canāt help it. My left side down by my hips hurts a lot right now, Iām unsure as of why. Itās 6:01 am right now. It was like 5:50-ish when I started this.Ā
I donāt want to go to school.
Love,
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Alex. 6:02 am.
0 notes
Did I Do Something Wrong?
Dear C,
I barely slept, maybe almost two hours. The feeling I had when I was awake was weird. I stopped and laid down on the ground a few times and I felt so weird.Ā
I went to London Drugs with M, we ate chocolate and chips in English while finishing a movie. I also drank an energy drink, a fruit punch rockstar.Ā
I skipped last period, foods. We were doing sewing and I donāt know how to thread the machine and I was supposed to be done the dot to dot paper last class. I hid in the bathroom. Before that during English I asked to use the washroom and threw up some of the food. I felt so gross and kept shaking. I threw up more later while sitting around in the washroom waiting for school to end. I still feel weird. I donāt understand why, I wish it would stop.
I donāt think you like me all that much, youāve been so distanced. You always turn down hanging out but the day before when I ask you say sure. We havenāt hung out properly after school in awhile. Did I do something? Do you hate me? I know itās rude for me to hate the fact that you have anxiety but I canāt help it, itās getting worse and itās stopping you from talking to me, hanging out with me, and you randomly run off. Iām unsure if you hate it or not when I run after you. Iām sorry.
I donāt hate you for your anxiety, I hate your anxiety because it stops you from being my friend. You seem more comfortable around others, have I done something wrong? Did I make a mistake? Did I say something that you hated? Do you just realize you hate me? Iām sorry, I really am. Iām unaware of what Iāve done but Iām really sorry I did it.
Love,
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Alex.Ā
0 notes
4:00 am issues.
Dear C,
Itās currently 4:27 am. I fell asleep earlier today, I was extremely tired. Iāve been so drained of energy. Youāre questioning your gender but you think you understand your sexuality a bit more. You learned your crush on D was platonic, I assumed it was him the entire time.Ā
I have a tendency to message you on instagram or messages when you happen to be busy or asleep, and I donāt understand why because I admit so much stupid shit. Thatās how I confessed that I went on a two day fast and ate then purged. I just admitted that I find it sad how I used to sing along to songs all the time but now I rarely do and if I do itās quietly and you canāt tell that I suck at singing, yet you totally know I do. At the end of last year I was still singing loudly and being crazy. Iām falling deeper into a self conscious mindset.Ā
Itās probably gonna lead to me doing many horrible things but what can you do.Ā
I put on some weight and my stomach was looking really big and I had a bit of a breaking point and started sobbing. I also threw up a cinnamon bun and it burned my throat worse than anything else so far, I think you might assume that Iāve stopped purging but knowing you, youāre just assuming Iām still doing it.Ā
How do people sleep normally. Iām not sure if I have insomnia or if I just stay up on my phone and laptop and that keeps me up. Itās probably the latter.Ā
I hate myself so fucking much, awhile back I cut on my arms, for the first time I did both arms. Itās already warm and both of us were dying while walking home. I just could not take off my hoodie. They seem so normal to me, the scars. Theyāre healing, theyāll be gone in a bit. It could take like a month more though.Ā
I really hope youāre doing okay. Iām still conflicted on the fact that I think your uncle did something sexual, he might just be holding yours hips and whispering dirty things in your ear, but Iām not sure. Iām really scared. I just wish everything was okay.
I have a problem, I always go through peoples stuff, I know he did something because you had a secret rant instagram on your phone and I read it. Iām sorry. I did stuff like that with my mum. Thatās how I figured out that she cut, that sheās being sexually abused, that my dad hired an escort, that my mum has anti-depressants, and so much else.Ā
I have so many problems I canāt help it. I canāt help going through peoples stuff, I think itās my ADHD. I do it to distract myself because Iām always talking in my head and I canāt stop it, I just wish I could stop it. Iām not schizophrenic, itās not like that. Itās like when you read something in your head, but it never ends. I repeat the words people say almost the same time as they say them and itās a problem. I always miss what people say and have trouble in school.
I hate the fact I go through peoples shit so fucking much.Ā
Love,
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Alex. 4:48 am
0 notes
Buying Your Silence Isnāt Okay
Dear C,
You will be happy, you will be called the correct pronouns, you will have the name you want. You will be seen as you truly are, a guy. You wonāt have to live at home forever, remember that. I wish youād listen to me and come stay at mine for a bit, I donāt want you staying at youāre house, I donāt think itās safe.Ā
No, itās not normal for your mother to drag you off a chair and buy your silence so you wonāt tell anyone. Itās her fault, not yours. You didnāt āpushā her to do anything. Itās her fault, nothing you would have said justifies what she did.
She has no right to tell you your OCD isĀ āself diagnosedā when your therapist, that sheās forcing you to see, told you that you do indeed have OCD. OCD is an easy thing to point out in a person in some cases, it was obvious you had it, to me at least because Iām your best friend and I pay a lot fo attention to you.Ā
Sheās buying your silence again today, and it bothers me.Ā
You donāt like germs, she told your therapist that, yet she purposefully drank out of your straw. When you asked for a new one she should have said sorry and gotten you one, she shouldnāt have slapped you for asking. No itās not normal my friend.Ā
Of course youāre scared of her, sheās becoming abusive and Iām scared for you. I know you told me not to call the cops because you donāt want social services to get involved, but if it gets really bad I have to. I promised to tell you if Iād call them, and Iām keeping to my promise.Ā
I wish youād listen to me, I wish youād stay with me.
I hope youāre safe for now.
Love,
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Alex. (Not my birth name, I happen to be non-binary and Iām questioning what name Iād want to go by when I move out.)
0 notes