selfmonitoring

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Come and See (Elem Klimov, 1985)

cinematography: Aleksei Rodionov

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Kenneth Anger - Inauguration of the Pleasure Dome (1954)

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Human Desire (1954)

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The Strange Woman (1946) dir. by Edgar G. Ulmer

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The Demoniacs (1974), dir. Jean Rollin

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Outrage dir. Ida Lupino (1950)

I first came across Ida Lupino a few years ago when I was desperately excavating the past for women directors working pre-1960s. They’re a rare bunch, and Lupino stands out amongst them for having accomplished so much. In 1949, when she released her first two films, she became the first woman to work as a director in Hollywood since Dorothy Arzner (who was also the inventor of the boom mic) retired for personal reasons in 1943. In fact, for Lupino’s entire feature film directorial career, which ran from 1949 to 1966, she was the only woman director in Hollywood.

Lupino is also perhaps best known to film noir fans as the only woman to direct a mainstream American noir film, The Hitch-hiker in 1953. However my favourite of her films are two of her lesser known works: the outside-her-normal-oeuvre teen buddy comedy The Trouble with Angels, and Outrage, the story of a young woman’s rape.

Outrage, which was released in 1950, tells the tale of Ann Walton (Mala Powers), a young office worker who is about to be engaged to her boyfriend after he acquires the sort of promotion that will allow her to live as a housewife. Ann is protected, happy and naive, until one night the man who runs the lunch stand outside of her office waits until she has left work, stalks her through the streets, and then attacks her.

It may sound a bit odd to say, but the scenes of Ann being hunted down are the most hauntingly beautiful of the film. Outrage may not be a full fledged film noir, but it’s here where Lupino is at her showiest best, embracing the dark shadows and caustic visual humour of the noir period. Ann flees down an alley bypassing posters advertising a circus where a clown smiles down at her, indifferent to her terror. Running down the street, mute with fear, she passes a line on the ground with STOP written in bold letters. It’s a traffic sign meant for cars, but it’s also a directive for the would be rapist nipping at her heels. Alas, it’s all for nothing. Ann trips and falls down just as her attacker catches up to her, and though the film pulls delicately away as the man who has been following her swoops down on her, the next shot, of a dirtied shell-shocked Ann coming home, shows she hasn’t been spared anything.

Lupino was a co-writer on the film so it’s to her credit that the film doesn’t gloss over the after effects of Ann’s rape. Her parents and friends may seem kind but she knows that they see her differently. Lupino also does a wonderful job of showing how despite her willingness to put on a brave face, Ann is suffering from PTSD. After a particular traumatic encounter with the police she flees for Los Angeles on a whim. Wandering about on foot Ann collapses in a state of an exhaustion only to be picked up by Reverend Bruce Ferguson (Tod Andrews). Lupino plays up the differences between Ann’s rapist and the good reverend; in fact he literally picks up where her attacker leaves off. Where the rapist was more than happy to push Ann down, the reverend literally lifts her wounded body up, bringing her to safety. And it’s here, unfortunately, where the film takes a turn towards mediocrity.

Lupino has some interesting things to say in the second half of the film including comparing Ferguson’s PTSD from WWII to Ann’s trauma. Yet the more the film goes on, the more Ann becomes a secondary characters as the film turns its attention on Ferguson’s story and how he helps Ann. There’s also some completely disturbing hand waving when Ann gets sexually harassed again which serves as a reminder that no matter how modern or progressive Outrage may have seemed (it was only the second Hollywood film to deal with rape post-Hays code) it’s still very much a product of its time.

I’ve seen Outrage twice, first on my TV when I caught it as part of an Ida Lupino retrospective on TCM and the second time at the TIFF Lightbox where it was also playing as part of a Lupino retrospective. For all its imperfections the film plays brilliantly on the big screen and whatever shortcomings it may have in the story department it still offers a thoughtful look at a rape victim’s survival story. 

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Being a woman was a trap. Something would bring you down before you turned twenty-three. The only time the world shows you any favor, or cuts you any slack, is during that very brief period of courtship where the world is trying to fuck you for the first time.

Heather O'Neill, The Lonely Hearts Hotel (via nineteencigarettes)

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Stopped posting because I was eating within 2000, or under, every day. I've lost weight, I can tell, but now I'm stuck at average. I need to lose weight now and become thin. Today: 1640 calories. Painted a room for 4 hours so I probably burned some calories, making my total lower. 90% clean (at my mother's house and ate oat bran with peanut butter, but her peanut butter has sugar and palm oil, making it my one unclean thing).

#2/20/2017

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1/2/16

2350 -- i was so hungry, i mostly had to eat carbs today. no $$$ for groceries just yet, had to have a lot of potatoes and oatmeal and bananas with peanut butter.

#1/2/16

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Breakfast: Oatmeal with pumpkin puree, spices, peanut butter, and raisins. 540

Snack: doing school financial stuff. stressed me out. almond milk mocha fudge bar. 190. 

total so far: 750

Edit: Oatmeal 1250

Edit 2: total is 2,000 

#1/1/2016

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Yesterday was 2000. Not all clean, but it was the last day on the road so I did what I could

Today so far is 1150. Incuded 2 bowls of oatmeal (lunch and dinner) and a snack of a croissant. Dinner is to come.

Ended up being 2,000

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Yesterday involved family + wine, and I alone drank 2 bottles, so I can't even know what the calories were. It was nice, though, and I did walk 4-5 miles. Today I walked 4-5 miles again, and had 1860 calories, all clean.

#12/27/16

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Breakfast: Oatmeal with a banana and peanut butter. 150 + 125 + 200 + 10 = 485

#12/26/16

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Christmas was 2500. It was Christmas, I'd have insulted my family if I didn't eat a lot. Whatever.

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Today thus far:

Last day on the road. 2 cups Raisin bran with a little cranberry juice in it to soften it up. (400 calories)

end of say was 2200. It was Christmas eve with family, if I stayed within a limit I'd have been disowned.

#12/24/16

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Road trip food. Still tough.

Today so far–

Breakfast: dry rice krispies (a lot of rice krispies, I was starving) and 3 tbs peanut butter

Lunch: a oatmeal raisin cliff bar and sea salt smart popcorn

peanuts, another cliff bar, a small fast wendys plain garden salad with apple slices and 2 baked potatoes (was hungry from stress….. car trips make me crazy)

Total for the day: 1900

edit: 11 at nigt, stressful 14 hours of being in traffic and finding alt riutes, had 1 ½ glasses of wine, baked potato, and steamed broccoli and green beans. 30+ 30 + 160 + 150 =270 = 2170. Whatever. Awful day and I was starving and needed a drink

#12/23/16

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Total for the day: 2000 Cereal with almond milk Greek salad with no cheese Pure bar Kale chips Greek salad again without cheese, again. On a road trip. Food isn't easy on a road trip. Basically, chips & Greek salads

#12/22/16