sguidwards-bestfriend

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

Full Baby Back Guarantee Not Included (dp x dc)

“Look, lady. It was a joke, ok? I don’t actually want your newborn baby,” Danny said as he held up his hands trying to back away from the woman with a bundle of blankets in her arms.

“We made a deal, you can’t back out now,”  The woman said as she narrowed her eyes at him. “Your kind can’t break their words.”

“My kind?” Danny exclaimed incredulously, because what the hell was she on. “Lady, you are delusional.”

Then his eyes caught on the awkward way the woman was holding onto the bundle and he frowned.

“Wait a second.” The halfa’s eyes went big. “Is that even your kid?!” his voice turning into a shriek at the end. “Did you kidnap some random child?”

“It’s my sister’s,” the woman cut him off coldly. “She and the father are both dead.” That was pretty awful, Danny thought as he winced. But then she turned to look blankly at him.

“Nobody will look for her.”

Dear skies above, he was supposed to be the ghost here, why was he the one getting chills.

“Holy fuck,” the halfa let out softly. 

He had to get that baby away from that psychopath.

“What is it you want again?” Danny asked faintly.

“Make me the new chief operating officer,” the woman answered.

“What?” The halfa choked out.

“They’re giving the position to Shwartz this monday. You need to make sure that doesn’t happen,” she continued evenly as if she wasn’t currently selling a baby in exchange for a fucking promotion.

“Yeah sure, deal,” Danny answered, eager to get away from her as soon as possible. 

“Give me your word,” she insisted.

“I give my word, I swear,” the halfa said. “Gimme the kid and you’ll get your job.”

The woman looked at him for a second before seemingly being satisfied. 

She extended the bundle of blankets towards him and handed him the swaddle baby. As soon as the kid was in his arms, Danny zipped away, fully intent on never seeing the woman again. He sure as hell was not getting her that promotion. Not that he would’ve been able to, what the hell, lady? At least research better before making a deal for your sister's baby!

Though in retrospect, it was a good thing she hadn't.

As Danny flew over a few buildings, he thanked the ancients the woman hadn’t had any ghost restraining tech, and only the summoning ritual. Which was a thing he had not been aware existed but he he would have to circle back to that because, right now, he had a whole ass baby nestled in his arms.

What the hell was his life.

Danny slowed down the flight once he felt he had put enough distance between them and the psycho and landed on a nice patch of green next to a road. He looked around and took notice that they’d gotten out of whatever that city had been, or at least the more populated part. He gave a quick look for people or cameras around before de-transforming. If he was spotted with a baby in his arms, his human look would help his chance of not getting shot.

The halfa started walking away from the road and towards the green vegetation. Still walking, he took a deep breath before looking down at the baby.

“You ok, kid?” Danny asked softly as their small (so so tiny!) face twitched in their sleep. “Oh you’re sleepy, huh?” he murmured gently. “Sleep tight sweetheart, I’ve got you.”

Then he secured the blankets around the baby again, making sure none of the wind was reaching her. It was probably a her? The blankets were pink but he couldn’t know for sure since the psycho had only called her an it. Danny felt his lips curl. And as the night replayed in his mind, he felt the weight of the situation settle down on him.

Ancients what was he going to do?

He couldn’t pull up in Amity with a baby in his arms and no explanation of how he got her. He’d be arrested for kidnapping, which was technically absolutely what he was doing. But then again he couldn't just give that baby back to her aunt.

“What are you doing here?” came a voice from ahead of him.

Danny startled out of his thoughts to find himself facing an older man in a suit with a severe look on his face. The halfa instinctively brought the baby closer to his chest and the movement drew the older man’s eyes towards it.

Danny could see the realization of what it was he was holding settle and the man's face softened. He sighed deeply as his gaze went back up to meet the halfa’s.

“Despite what the media fancy printing, Wayne manor is not actually an orphanage.”

Danny had no idea what he was talking about so he just stayed silent and did his best not to look like someone who kidnapped babies.

The older man took the silence in stride. “If you need some help, there are programs to help young people in your situation,” he continued delicately.

Danny frowned as he tried to figure out what the guy meant by that before his eyes grew wide. “I’m not her dad!” He cried.

“I see,” the man said evenly as he looked back down at the bundle. Danny held her closer in response. “I see,” the guy repeated with a slight change in his voice.

The two held each other’s gaze for a moment before the older man sighed again. 

“Shall we continue this inside? It is getting windy and we wouldn’t want the little one to suffer, would we?” The man offered in a soothing tone.

Danny hesitated but one look at the kid’s face that had grown pink from the cold decided him.

“Ok,” Danny said. “Lead the way.”

And with that the three of them started  across the grassy lawn.

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

The first time Danny sees Dick Grayson he calls him Tata.

Danny, in his Ghost Zone travels, befriended the Flying Graysons. John and Mary like him so much, that it started as a joke, sort of.

"Ahhhhh, the son we never had! Welcome!"

"My little Robin's long lost little brother, come, come!"

And it morphed into him jokingly calling them Tata and Daj. Then it wasn't really a joke anymore.

Then the Observants inform him that as far as Ghost Law is concerned, they're his Ghost Guardians.

This means that Danny has two sets of parents; Jack and Maddie on the human side of things, and John and Mary on the ghost side of thing.

So when he sees Dick Grayson, who looks a lot like John, it just slips out.

This leads to a very awkward stare off in the middle of a coffee shop.

Danny has no idea how to explain himself.

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

Jay is not the best babysitter...

I fucking love these fics where all the batkids are all pretty small and they just get up to kid shenanigans while Bruce is sprouting gray hairs.

Commission Info / Kofi

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

"Oh my god he’s dead- we killed a vigilante, OHMYGODOHMYGOD—" A hysterical voice screeched out, decidedly feminine and loud enough that the comn line picked it up.

"He broke in here for no reason first! We have probable cause as to why you brained him with our wok!" The second interjected, calmer than the first, but there was still a line of tension, like they were uncertain about what they were saying.

"Oh my god, oh god we’re literally so dead Batman’s literally going to murder me and you and us and—"

"We're already mostly dead, he can't kill us. Although I thought he had a no killing rule anyways, so maybe we’re safe? Ancients, that is a lot of blood. You think we should call an ambulance?" Static filtered through the comn line before stabilizing again and wow. The residents of the apartment were really just having a full conversation over an unconscious Nightwing- in earshot of a microphone recording every word- like this was a normal occurrence. Maybe it was a normal Friday night for them, Barbara couldn't exactly judge.

"I'm not calling an ambulance, they might arrest him. Hell, they're probably gonna arrest us! Danny, we're fucking unresgistered metas in Gotham, I’m a clone—"

"—Not metas and I won’t let anyone arrest you—"

"—It's the same thing to the government at the end of the day. You're right though. I think I hit him too hard, we're going to lose the deposit with the amount of blood getting everywhere. Head wounds bleed a lot right? Maybe he's not dead."

"He's not dead, we'd know if he was."

"Oh. Right. Man. That is a lot of blood, our IKEA rug is ruined. I liked that rug, you think we could ask him to buy a new one when he wakes up or is he on the normal vigilante salary of nothing?"

“Mhm. I'll go get the med kit, you handcuff him to the table so he doesn't jump us when he wakes up. Keep the mask on- I don’t want to piss off whatever buddies he’s got listening in.”

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

the man the myth the legend

(he was gonna straight up shoot a guy)

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

LMAO someone give Dick Grayson a medal for understanding that when Bruce stalks you and asks to take your blood, it's his way of showing he loves his kid.

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

oracle, ban this guy

(some shitpost while i work on that bernard comic)

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

it’s basically a rite of passage for every one of Bruce’s robins to sneak behind his back, try on Batman’s cape, and then nearly topple to the floor as they realize it’s close to 25 lbs of reinforced Kevlar and insulation.

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

Weird thought that I attempted to work out the logistics of, but what if cultists try to kill json because there can only be one balance at that is their king?

So, ghost king danny, Who Is The Balance, other random titles, yadda yadda. He's got unwanted and unhinged cults springing up to worship him, and it's a whole ordeal. They know via his titles and stuff that he's paradoxically both alive and dead, but maybe don't grasp the concept of liminality and/or halfas? They just think he's some ancient being that has unique qualities because of the concepts he represents or something.

So this cult is looking for a sacrifice to appease their god, eyes land on the bats, you know the story. They're doing their definitely-made-up-on-the-spot rituals, created by their amatuer wizard member who has just enough knowledge to pull off a few basic spells.

Something is off about the bats. The spells register them as mostly alive but also a tiny bit dead. That isn't really a problem because the wizard guy is intelligent enough to understand that people who have been clinically dead will register on the spell as a tiny bit dead. Vigilantes are always risking their lives, so its not a surprise that this includes them. No, the problem is that Red Hood, in particular, measures almost exactly equally half-and-half.

The cult gets together to discuss this discovery, whether its a sign, or a prophecy, or a blessing from their god, etc. Its decided that they need to ask Red Hood some questions and, against all odds and basic logic, they manage to kidnap Hood.

It's very immediately apparent the Hood had never heard of their God and thinks that the cultists are bat quano crazy. This is absolute blasphemy. Clearly, Hood is either blatently disrespecting a great blessing from their God... or he's secretly trying to usurp them.

This cannot stand. There is only One True Balance. Any other is a fraud or usurper. Hood must die to appease their god.

Hood by now has largely extracted himself from the restraints, and is almost ready to run when they turn on him. That's just par for the course from his perspective, of course the crazy cultists want to kill him. Since when has a cult ever kidnapped someone to give them tea and cookies?

What is a surprise is that they manage to draw blood - his blood - and at the moment they had done so, he happened to be on top of the summoning sigil.

It activates, and Hood knows he's screwed.

So we now have Hood injured and sacrificed to some eldritch god, the cultists think they are getting an A+ in culting (which is totally normal to want and possible to achieve), and danny is about to meet a new halfa that was almost killed by his unwanted soliciters for the crime of unknowingly being the fourth member of their species.

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

You’ve heard of “justice league doesn’t know Batman has kids”

Now prepare for “the Team doesn’t know Batman is Robins dad”

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

....Do I even need to say anything-

God bless alferd pennyworth he has to deal with a bratty princess of a son.

And Bruce says Damian gets it from Talia. Sure buddy.

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

Danny was tired, like 'I feel it in my bones and soul' tired. And he didn't want sleep at home because there's only so many nights, he could spend lying awake making sure his heart was beating in case his parents checked on him.

Currently he was flying aimlessly not really taking in his surroundings, but he could neither sleep while flying or fly forever. Normally he'd sleep over at Sam or Tucker's, but the Mansons had made it clear that he wasn't welcome at their house anymore and Tucker was grounded. Both would sneak him in if he asked, but he didn't want them to get in trouble for him. Which leads him to decide between his two choices, sleeping in a graveyard, or sleeping in a forest.

The graveyard was a little crowded with all the ghosts that called it home but he could probably find a quiet spot to sleep. The forest had a great view of the stars but was filled with traps from both his parents and the GIW after tracking his ecto-signature. Both options weren't appealing, but he wasn't about to chance sleeping on the roof of his house again. There were too many ghost detecting guns attached to it now. Danny sighed, graveyard it was, at least the ecto from all the shades/ghosts would hide him well enough. Decision made, now all he had to do was make his way over there. But first, where the heck was he? Danny looked around at the unfamiliar grey sky and gargoyles littered around and realized he had no clue where he was. He must have flown too far away from Amity without noticing...Again. It was really becoming a bad habit. Danny stared down at the city's inhabitants that were going home or heading to nightshifts or whatever and dreaded the long flight back to his town. And maybe it was ghost instinct, or maybe it was just his exhaustion. But his brain suggested 'What if I just possess someone?' And to him that seemed like a perfectly logical train of thought. He wouldn't control their body or anything, just sleep in their skin...That did not make it sound better at all. Before he could think twice, someone left a general store, arms filled with stuff and somehow projecting an aura of safety. The two thoughts of 'They look comfy' and 'screw it' clashed together in his head as he made the very stupid decision of performing a swan drive right into the someone. "WHAT THE-" "Don't worry, I'll be gone by morning I just need to sleep" Danny cut off the persons freakout-he should really get their name at some point- he would have explained more but the sleep gods had already done their job. This left one very confused, scared, and freaked out Batkid.

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

bruce and some little birds

part 2

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

My favorite trope in Batman fanart is when he’s depicted as just a vaguely Batman shaped shadow. Peak.

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

This is why you don't sleep with the Tyrant King - The consequence is children

Constantine avoids involvement with the Infinite Realms for two reasons.

Who wants to deal with all those Ancients in the first place?

He’s avoiding yet another unhinged ex of his.

Of course, hooking up with Pariah Dark wasn’t really an actual relationship, more like a one night stand via dream walking (Nocturn owed Pariah, but seeing as it would be insane to release the Tyrant King from his endless sleep, he’d give him a dream partner every couple centuries) - regardless, Constantine doesn’t want to deal with that.

So yeah - the fact that the Justice League is attempting to summon the High King into the Watchtower has him wanting to drink more than usual.

Of course he gave warnings, but they’re dead set on doing so. A green folder had appeared in the secure “cursed artifacts” vault with no trace of whoever left it there. How else were they gonna find out how it got there?

So Constantine’s stuck there to set up wards, and is trying to find his way out of this one.

When the summoning circle worked, no one expected the teenager to pop out of it. 

Instead of Pariah Dark, or even the sarcophagus showing up, there was a white haired ghost boy with glowing green eyes the same color as the flames of the Crown of Fire. Except he didn’t look exactly like the others ghosts. He had a human skin tone, his proportions were exactly like a human teenager’s, and he was wearing a black and white hoodie with black sweatpants, for God’s sake. 

… Were ghosts able to reproduce with humans?

Before any of the Justice League can get into questioning, Constantine speaks up:

“You’re not the Ghost King.”

Green eyes settle on him, lighting up with recognition - Danny knows exactly who this is, with the amount of complaints on his desk about the blonde. Clockwork also informed him (he didn’t want to know but now he does) of the man’s stint with Pariah. 

Daniel “Commit to the bit” Fenton chooses to do just that.

“Of course not,” The confusion crosses the face of the heroes present- “That’s just because I haven’t had my coronation yet! I’m the Crown Prince, it’s practically the same thing!”

Oh, and the dread and realization crossing Constantine’s face is almost enough to make his core purr in amusement. 

“Now I will gladly answer all your questions, but first!” His eyes swept over the heroes before raising his hand and pointing accusingly at the British warlock.

“John Constantine,” his voice boomed, the temperature of the meeting room dropping as his face stretched with a smile too big and too pointy, “You owe me fifteen years of child support.”

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

What if Joker Tried to Pull a Jigsaw?

Another idea for a piece of a story that has been bouncing around my brain for a bit...

Just your average “Danny joins the Batfamily but none of them know about secret identities” fanfic except the reveal happens with a lot of angst and it’s all because of the Joker.

What if Joker decides he’s going to implode the whatever relationship Batman has with Bruce Wayne by forcing either one of the Bats to kill off one of the Wayne kids or a Wayne kid to kill a Bat? He constructs a Jigsaw-level contraption and manages to capture one or two of the Bats and Danny. (How did Joker manage to capture Danny? Lucked out in that he used electricity to knock him out?) (Maybe the Joker wanted to try to capture more of either group or capture some other Wayne other than Danny, but he’s having to go with what he could get?)

So, he sets his victims in a contraption with a gun barrel pressed against each of them and a timer set to go off if no one pulls the trigger. The rest of the Batfamily aren’t going to get there in time. There are more explosives underneath their seats set to go off if anyone escapes their chair before someone is shot, so Danny can’t just phase his away out or let the bullet phase through him harmlessly.  

The trapped Bat(s) only have the capacity to shoot Danny while Danny could shoot either himself or a Bat (because the Joker knows a Bat would 100% take the self-sacrifice route, but assumed A Wayne wouldn’t [or some other contrivance]). After explaining the rules of the game, Joker runs off because he is expecting someone to die, and he knows how Batman gets when the Joker kills someone close to the man.) If there are two Bats, they could have a disagreement of who dies. Danny knows he can heal from a normally fatal gunshot wound even in human form (maybe because of past stuff with his parents or the GIW, maybe not). So much to the anguish of the Bat(s) present, he pulls the trigger.   

Danny wakes up with many of the Bats anguishing over his apparent death. Seeing Danny come alive again would be a confusing emotional rollercoaster for the Bats. (For even more angst, maybe Danny is freaking out because he believes the Bats will hand him over to the GIW because they uphold the law, right?)

[sguidwards-bestfriend]

Danny is a house husband.

That's it, that's all it is.

As the years went on. Danny retired from being a superhero. There was no need for Phantom when the GIW were dealt with and all the ghosts were under control.

Now what's left for him to do but to just sit back, relax, and finally be able to live his life.

Sam and Tucker on the other hand....

Well, they had plenty of pent up rage, wits, and chaos inside their mind to become villains.

But they had one rule.

Never bring work home and to never involve Danny in any of their supervillain business.

Okay that's technically two rules, but they're kind of synonymous especially since Danny has been taking care of their house while also entertaining himself with trying new hobbies.

Tucker and Sam both make sure that they never bring any of their villainy home to Danny, because all they want is for Danny to enjoy his happy hero retirement.

And Danny in turn, doesn't bat an eye when watching the news and seeing that there were magical plants that were attacking sites that oil companies were digging or that somehow Lex Luthor had lost five hundred million dollars and had somehow leaked records showing he was building weapons of mass destruction.

He also doesn't bat an eye when he sees that Tucker had brought home a telescope that definitely looks like it came from some fancy lab because hey, Tucker was making him an observatory so he can look at the stars and planets. While also how they were able to make a great gaming pc with computer parts that are definitely not sold in stores, because hey at least the newest update of Doomed wasn't lagging.

Or that Sam comes home with various plants and animals that are definitely not from planet earth, but hey the three headed wolf-lizard-eagle- hybrid thing (that Danny has affectionately named Fluffy) is pretty great at keeping the pests away from his vegetable garden and likes to eat any of Danny's new food creations and is a great playmate for Cujo.

So you can imagine how the Justice League thinks when dealing with the pair of new villains: Upload (Tucker) and Sam (I could not think of a villain name that would suit her, so it's up to you what you think her villain name would be)

And how they were currently wreaking havoc in the city either by cyber warfare with robots or by magic plant monster or a Frankenstein of both approaches. The heroes had all evacuated the civilians from the battle zone and are currently fighting a losing battle. When they've been effectively captured and restrained by the two. Right before the villains could go into a monologue, they hear a person clearing their throat.

Everybody looks to see a 25 year old man wearing a sweater vest (he made it himself, thank you very much) currently holding onto the leash of a giant glowing green dog and some kind of giant animal hybrid. The man's arms were crossed and was currently not sporting a very happy look on his face.

Tucker and Sam (looking at Danny with hesitant smiles): Hi honey.

Danny (frowning): you missed our anniversary dinner.

Tucker and Sam both pale as they quickly realized what the date and time was.

The league all watch as Sam and Tucker immediately start apologizing to the man that just walked into a battle zone.

Danny (still frowning): Hmph! I guess since you two didn't want dinner you can go back to your little fight. Don't expect me to make you any lunches for the next month, and since you two are having so much fun here, you'll be sleeping by yourselves for the next couple weeks.

The league all watch as they were let go as Sam and Tucker yell as they run after Danny yelling apologies as he was walking away from them.

This is not the last they see of Danny.

When Danny is displeased with either of his partners, he'll invite a hero over to have lunch of afternoon tea.