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Trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning

Why? Why does Halloween have to be a trigger? Its supposed to be my holiday, it's supposed to be fun and nice and scary. But it's just crushing. Every year with out fail, I can hardly even eat anymore, I've been so on edge all the time. I might as well not be sleeping for all the energy I get from it. I feel fucking wired even though my body is drop dead tired, and it's all just adrenaline. I usually have a freeze response to things, but not this year, no this year I'm all fight. I've been so snappy I feel like I'm going to lose it on someone anyone of these days. I have no more patience, not for me or for this holiday or for any of the people I have to be around. She fucking ruined this for me, what a good mother she was.

I hope next year doesnt suck as much

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Living in long term abusive situation, the abusers will often require you to ‘act normal’, as if everything is fine and good, even if you don’t feel okay. They present it to you as necessary, polite, 'don’t be rude to xyz’ or will straight-up belittle and humiliate you until acting 'normal’ will be the only safe option for you. It creates the illusion that everyone is secretly falling apart inside and suffering silently only to be polite.

Acting normal in every situation can become a compulsion, something you do automatically to protect yourself against possible or imagined backlash; you live as if you’re unphased by anything, because showing pain feels like showing weakness, and being hurt while you’re weak is worse. You additionally might feel that your feelings are too much, nobody would want to deal with them, you’re oversensitive, overdramatic, over-emotional disaster of a human and you keep it all in to save yourself rejection and embarassment.

The abusers will enforce the 'play normal’ rule even when the situation is desparate, when you’re seriously hurt, panicked and in need of help, you’ll find that you’re expected to extend any effort to 'act normal’ or else. They also use the fact that you’re able to 'play normal’ to prove that 'nothing is actually wrong and you were just dramatizing for attention or pretending to make them feel sorry for you.

After being gaslit like this for a while, you start to believe it. You start to think that if you can still play normal, then you’re clearly not suffering enough for it to be adressed. Even if you’re in such bad state you’re dissociated for the most of the time, you dismiss your own pain and fear just like the abusers do, it must be nothing, if you can still keep yourself from screaming, you must be okay. You wonder if everyone lives feeling like this, and envy their acting; you’re barely holding it together. You feel ashamed and pathetic for every second you’re not able to 'keep control of it’, or every little feeling that bleeds out thru your pretense. You feel like you’re weak and failing to control yourself, when everyone else does it so easy.

So let me relay some facts: Most people don’t act. They’re allowed to be upset, and don’t try to control their feelings at all. Most people aren’t exposed to the amount of trauma that would require them to control their feelings 24/7. Most of people were never told to 'keep it in’ or to 'act normal’ when everything is falling apart. The amount of effort people put into being polite is way below containing trauma. What you’re enduring is completely unimaginable pain to them. You’re keeping together what they never would, or could. You’re not weak for a moment of distress; anyone else in your situation would be fully freaking out, full time.

Even if it’s possible, by insane effort, to act okay when terrified and hurt, it doesn’t mean you’re 'okay enough’ to dismiss it. Your abusers lied. Being forced to keep horrible feeling unexpressed makes them that much worse; not only you’re in pain, but you’re in danger, unsafe to express distress, unable to call for help. It’s being trapped in a world where only 'acting okay’ is safe, but there’s a time limit to how long you can do it without breaking, and every time you break a little, you experience terror and shame. You don’t know how to keep it up, and you blame yourself for it. It’s a world where nobody cares what you’re going thru, and you can’t make anyone care.

This is what abusers do to gaslight, isolate and force the victims to hide the trauma and abuse that’s been caused. It’s a tactics to protect the abusers, at the immense cost to the victims. If you felt this, your abusers are monsters, and they lied to you; you’re not supposed to act okay. You were supposed to get a relief from pain, you were supposed to get help, relief, to be taken seriously, to get protected, safe, understood, and relieved of your pain. They denied all of this to be able to abuse you some more. Your self control was never the problem. Their control of you was.

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Everytime I get high I think I'm just gonna feel better, but then I still feel like shit. Just in a funkier way. Maybe the devils lettuce just isnt my drug

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Here we go, my first real post

I want to ramble about overworking and ptsd, because well I do it. This came to mind because I am sitting here waiting to be able to leave one of my jobs so I can go and get 4, maybe 5 hours of sleep before my other job in the morning. I work so damn much all the time. Yes for money, but also just so I dont have to think, cause you really dont when you're so tired you can hardly stand, your mind gets easily distracted. It seems that it is a bit self destructive, but so are a majority of my behaviors, I just dont know where to stand on this one in particular. I geuss I'm just sick of it but I feel like I cant take a break with out just completely going off the deep end, even more than I already have.

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Howdy, let's start this thing with some basic stuff.

I am a csa survivor with ptsd and potentially cptsd.

I would as you to please not interact if you are any of the usual suspects, including

•MAPS/NOMAPS

•Terfs

•NSFW

•And more to come, if they need too

This will be my place to ramble in long disorganized ugly posts, so just be aware of that. I will also repost some stuff, if I ever get around to making my own vent art I'll label it as mine.

I think that's all I have too say, I'll be posting when I feel like it, and yeah.

Have a great day anyone who reads this, I wish you more luck in life than I have