soul-spoken

[soul-spoken]

Oh my god why do I talk like a cliche

[soul-spoken]

Romanticizing things subconsciously while otherwise being terrified and angry, disgusted and withdrawn.

It's so strange.

It's like part of me is still there, while the rest can see the reality of the situation. Like part of me is stuck, frozen in that frame of time like a picture.

I hate that

#hands and lips. teeth into skin. cold metal tracing shapes. #whispers and quiet words all burned. how can my mind even begin to feel something light and airy about those things #its like i can still feel everything. physically and emotionally. #i want to live fully in reality. destroy the picture #why cant i manage that #i hate it

[soul-spoken]

I wasn't expecting the overwhelming panic seeing and hearing that brought. I'm usually fine, hell - I actively listen to songs reminiscent of everything so often.

I wasn't expecting that tone of voice, the setting, any of it, to send me into a spiral.

I hate feeling so scared, especially over nothing but a video.

I need to calm down, get some air.

#i feel dizzy. #i hated that so much. why cant my brain decide if im terrified or numb #why do i catch myself romanticizing things when if im faced with it i react so badly #why do i catch myself still falling for the manipulation at times. when i react with fear to that voice #why did i let myself get into this shit #why did i ever fall for any of it. why am i so confused #why cant i just move on. why cant i just be numb to it and joke about it all. why cant i stick to laughing at how stupid he really was #i should go outside or something. clear my head. calm down #why did something so dumb. a literal video. do this to me? why do i react like this

[soul-spoken]

It's nice to get things out, but I feel so ashamed of everything in my head

#trav.txt #why can i only make the words make sense when writing it out #why can't i talk

[soul-spoken]

I vent or breakdown so often, I know I get told it's fine and talk when I need to but geez it feels so excessive, like I'm overly sensitive or just really really easily triggered over things that shouldn't even relate to my trauma

We come to solutions or we distract from it, or we cuddle, but it's just always there.

I can almost always feel the dumb anxiety or depression feelings, I don't want to

I wish my brain understood that

#im tired of only feeling safe when im overly babied and small. i know at this current time point certain traumas are still really fresh #and i need to let myself acknowledge that and relax and maybe be taken care of on a higher level but #i feel so clingy and embarrassed #and i really wish i wasn't still reminded of things from the past. i hate getting anxious over things from high school or college #that doesn't matter anymore #i don't wanna be so vulnerable and scared all the time #but i think i need to #i just want to be held. feel skin to skin. get kissed and called sweet names #i wanna feel his nails through my hair. hear that hushed voice he does when being soft. i wanna be closer #i wanna be safe and told its not scary. its not bad. instead of how we've been going about things.. #cant i just feel secluded and loved? feel protected and small #i wanna be told that my ptsd is a normal reaction and that i dont have to be like i was before. i can take a while to gather myself #to mourn and exist. to just.. be #be however my brain is needing to be in order to relax #i wanna be intimate and romantic and loving and gentle #i feel so guilty over these wants and needs #i wish i didn't have them. i wish i understood that its safe to have them. #i wish i was different #i wish i was me. but me before #when i was stable and felt nice and independent but i still had little moments of softness and needing help. i miss my early early twenties #but. i also miss the feeling of being held tight by him and told nothing could hurt me anymore. that he was gonna keep the bad away #like middle school. keeping the mean kids away #i love him. i want to feel loved #i am loved. i don't doubt that. but i wish i could capture every soft second and live in it forever #and i feel so guilty #trav.txt

[soul-spoken]

"I can't see myself, and I feel distant."

My 'self' is directly tied to my appearance, my sense of self was blurred and lost when my vision was.

The last time I felt a connection to myself was fifteen.

I can barely see, truthfully it's less than I really talk about. Daily tasks and such are easy enough, I can do most things like cook and clean - though with struggle. However the blurriness feels like it's preventing me from doing things with my appearance, such as makeup or other forms of expression.

I can't see it.

I don't know what I look like.

I don't know what anyone looks like anymore.

#how much of my self expression is even considered appropriate or obtainable #whats the point if i cannot feel the connection to it

[soul-spoken]

Oh my god I regret posting that

#lmfao byyeee

[soul-spoken]

I wonder what happened to my "sense of self"

I lost it somewhere around sixteen and seventeen, and it's never really returned. Maybe it's related to being unable to figure myself out, maybe it's because my appearance is directly tied to my mind and comprehension of myself as a person, or maybe its result of never really processing trauma.

I can't see myself, and I feel distant.

Maybe I'm thinking about it too much, or maybe I'm just out of touch with myself due to worry, surroundings, and such. Leaning towards just thinking about it too much.

I miss fifteen.

I was colorful, then. I feel watered-down nowadays.

#weary of what i say. afraid of what it means #unsure how much of “me” is appropriate. if something like that is obtainable again #i sound edgy and cliche but. its like my journals again hah #anyways

[soul-spoken]

i dont want to say i have needs, i wish i didn't have any, it feels like im thinking about things or needing things that aren't possible and that. hurts

i want to be good,, and be good for my partners, not this.

everything i think about or feel like id need, just feels impossible and like im doing everything wrong by needing those things that other people probably cant do,

i shouldn't need things, i don't need to feel those things or be treated that way,,

i was able to lead, and give things before, now im so scared of it. and i need to be held and feel safe and small and nice and to feel like im able to relax and be taken care of but. that doesn't feel possible,, it doesn't feel like its possible for me to receive things or be able to slip into being relaxed,

im scared of having to do things i cant, or causing problems because i cant, or being left or ignored because i cant,,

i just want to be taken care of and talked to and reassured and relax, i wanna hear the really really nice tone and listen to whatever words are rambled and just feel calm and close and nice and loved,, i wanna feel like someone worthy of intimacy and attention but i don't and i know this stuff isn't gonna be possible and i shouldn't feel like this,

i wanna be good for everyone instead of being so anxious and scared all the time,,

i don't feel like anything like this is possible and im scared,

i wanna isolate and see if this goes away,, wanna hide until im better. i wanna just fix this and be good for everyone, i feel very very stupid over all of this

I feel so stupid,,

#trav.txt

[soul-spoken]

something about being called small, or anything similar. ugh🧡

i know that reassurance like that is like.. definitely impossible to get, but fuck

i wanna be small, i wanna be smaller

everything about me feels wrong or not like its me at all, i want to be closer to being myself but it feels impossible

everything feels impossible

i feel ashamed

i want to be small

[soul-spoken]

i dont feel like a person,,

so dissociated and messy, i wanna curl up and go away but i cant and idk why

i know thinking this stuff is going against what was talked about, i know its probably dumb and i should stop but. i cant help it, not alone- but asking for help is exactly what i dont wanna do,

i need to do more for myself, i think

i need to be more independent,, more on my own and. not be so reliant on others

im 18 and i should try more,, i should be better at being my own person. i cant be such a dependent accessory all the time,

i dont feel like a person, i dont feel real

im barely an adult,,

i was told, professionally.. to stay away from being alone and doing stuff alone, but i don't wanna keep being this way, doing this to people. even if they say it's fine i know it can be so much, i dont wanna be that

i need to be better,

i wanna isolate and stay away, maybe they wont notice and maybe i can fix this before they do eventually catch on

i dont wanna be this, i wanna be good for people i love

#anon.txts

[soul-spoken]

Overthinking so much and feeling so bad and withheld lately is making it worse but fuck. I need to cut back on being small and acting so clingy

I cant keep doing this to people I need to grow up and not wanna be seen like that, its not a big difference it's just two minutes

its just two minutes why am i like this what the fuck

#c.s.txt

[soul-spoken]

I hate this disorder, I hate it getting attached to one person I hate that it won't change

I don't wanna hurt anyone because my stupid dependant disorder decided to need one person instead of two

I hate the overthinking, I hate how gross I feel, I hate the intrusive dumb thoughts that maybe he doesn't want me or want to be there with me just because of spending less time just with one on one

Spending one on one time is dumb anyways we're a trio,

my brain should know that, why wont it change why does it work like this

#c.s.txt

[soul-spoken]

I don't wanna be a person, I want to be the pretty doll they take down from the shelf sometimes and love or give all their attention to

I don't wanna be my own person I need directions and to be treated like an idle npc who needs praise and command

I feel like just a kid, i want to be that kid they deal with and love

I just want to be loved and relax

#c.s.txt