swampstew - Tumblr blog

swampstew · 20 hours

Text

KillerCook Chapter 12

Welcome to Raven’s Reading Nook - a small corner of this blog dedicated to cozy story times. Join us in the family room as we sit around and browse our phones, and eat some Girl Scout cookies as we begin tonight’s story. Rated Mature for language. Minors DNI

TGIFF – thank goodness its fuckin Friday! A long and exhausting week now behind you after a delicious late-afternoon nap, you can finally get your weekend going! First things first, phone. No better feeling than laying snug in bed and scrolling. Snug as a bug in a rug, want a hug?

Laughing to yourself at the internal rhyme, your carefree tone drops as anguish roils in your stomach. There are several notifications on your screen banner. But the one that makes you feel like you’re going to scream is the notification for KillerCook going live.

An hour and a half ago.

You take measured breaths as you robotically punch in your passcode and open the app, praying to any deity willing to help to keep you from missing a chance at seeing them.

Your reasons for breathing.

For going on each grueling day.

You suck in air as the app connects to your internet, only to let out a whimpering sigh of relief when you see the live is still going.

‘KillerCook is live: Kid Pirates BACA it up!!’

“GODS THEY’RE SO FUCKING COOL AND AMAZING!!!!” you squeal into your pillows. Giddily kicking your feet into the rumpled sheets, you press the volume button to its highest setting.

“Gang, thanks so much, take a moment and give yourself a shoulder pat. We’ve been live for nearly two hours and we met the donation goal in the first 50 minutes. I’ve never had to improv so much in my [redacted] life!!” the head chef gushed to the camera. “We really appreciate the enthusiasm to see us strip down and crush things in support of our biker crew chapter. Each donation means a lot not only to us but to the people its going to help.”

“Now the finale you’ve all been waiting for,” Killer teased as he and the others began to dress down into the dangerously skin tight swim trunks they wore under their respective pants.

“The big squeeze! To recap, our highest donors would get the privilege of having their user name on the melon as we squeeze them between our thighs. Who should start?”

The app notifications were pinging so fast that it sounded like the alarm itself was having a stroke.

“You can’t vote for me all 4 times,” Kid rolled his eyes, “Try again and actually follow directions!”

After an unsatisfactory stalemate, Kid made the executive decision to direct the line up. Wire was the first man to squeeze his melon.

Wire’s swim pants left nothing to the imagination, probably a bit more than he intended as he wrapped his towel around his pelvis and lower stomach.

A round, plump watermelon sat snug in his lap, the lucky patron – NightmareBeforeAugust.

“Hope your head doesn’t pop for realsies,” Wire winked before making overdramatic stretching motions. Properly limber, he adjusted his seat crossing his calves over each other as the melon began to develop bumps and tears on the skin.

Clasping his hands shut and locking his ankles tight, Wire squeezed his thighs again causing the watermelon to split vertically. Juice sprayed and splattered across his lap and chest, little chunks of melon lightly hit his face from the force.

“Juicy,” Wire laughed.

Heat was the next victim. He wore slightly looser fitting swim trunks that came down mid-thigh. His toned legs were still visible exposing his thorny vine tattoos extended down his thighs stopping at the knee.

Pulling his hair back in a loose bun, Heat lowered safety glasses over his eyes and pulled a travel-sized bottle of tajín from his pocket.

“Really, Heat?”

“What? A man has needs.”

Doing a quick stretch routine, Heat nestled the watermelon in between his thighs. The patron, SlapMyMass_ND_CallMe, was inked across the fruit with bright silver marker.

“Hey is it cheating if I’m holding it with my hands? I just wanna make sure it doesn’t slide out or anything,” Heat asked.

“Heat is weak you heard it here first folks!” Kid crowed in the background, the sunny rays bouncing off his aviator sunglasses. Heat threw a bottle of sun lotion at the redhead.

“Only if you don’t use your hands to actually break it. I don’t know, I would say its fine but we’d need to see your watermelon up close and personal.”

Moving the camera so it was right in front of Heat, “Ok viewers, call his ass out if he cheats!”

Wire was barking with laughter, “OI! JaneyM1098 says: ‘If I’m seeing his ass I’m staying friggin silent, no one snitch!!!!’”

That made Kid and Killer roar with laughter. Heat looked unimpressed with everyone.

Clearing his throat, Heat adjusted himself until he was seated in a yoga position, commonly known as the boat pose. Balancing on his sitting bones, Heat clasped the watermelon vertically in his hands, bringing them to the upper part of his thighs just before the knees.

Hooking his ankles together quickly, Heat applied an immense amount of pressure that made the watermelon practically crumble between his thighs. Pulp and juice coats his hands and thighs – to which he grabbed his tajín powder and started lightly coating his hands.

“Heat not on camera Jesus!” Kid grimaced as the bluette licked his hands clean.

“Eat my shorts.”

“No [redacted] thanks.”

“Kid you’re up,” Killer threw a towel at the redhead’s face.

Eustass Kid has muscles for days.

His body a never ending river of waves, channels, and dips from the contours of his physique. The perfect amount of muscle to body fat ratio, a near perfect human specimen. Wearing a deep red bathing suit that really should be considered just briefs – they were a snug fit.

“I’ll bust this melon in less than 30 seconds,” Kid proudly boasted, lightly tossing his watermelon in the air. “Hey CraftyBitchNextDoor, I last way longer than that,” he winked at the camera, making the others groan.

Dropping to the ground, Kid leaned at an incline while raising his legs in the air. Putting the melon between his thighs, Kid put his arms behind his head and stuck his tongue out at the camera.

The watermelon put up no resistance as Kid’s thighs squished it, making the melon pop as the red flesh oozed from the rind and all over his body. Juice squirted out and hit his chest, running down to his lap and red chunks of flesh pooled with it as he laid back, proud of his accomplishment.

“That was 8 seconds babe!” Kid his hand up with the sign of the horns, waving it back and forth.

The notifications were beginning to buzz over the music.

“Ok these comments are way too horny for chat, you’re all perverts!” Wire admonished the viewers. “Killer let’s wrap this up, I can’t even say the things I want to say without your audience going [redacted] feral. Suffice to say, I want to shower up and clean this juice off me!”

“Oi don’t rush me, this is my show!” the blonde scoffed, peeling off his sweaty white stringer tank top. Sitting on the floor, Killer rolled the watermelon between his palms as if he was checking to find the fruit’s weak point.

Facing the melon forward so the top donator’s name was easy to see, “- _LickMeImUrLollipop thank you for being one of the most generous people that’s supported this channel. You’re donation was so large I almost wanted to deny it. I feel like I need to pay you back or something,” he chuckled.

“Ohh shit she answered!” Heat called out excitedly. “If you wanna make me dinner as thanks I wouldn’t be opposed.” Letting out a wolf howl, “Killer’s got a hot date!”

“Shut up Heat!” Killer’s neck was flushed red. “Hmmm we’ll talk Lollipop. For now, I’m gonna squish your melon. In the name of Bikers Against Child Abuse!” Killer placed the melon between his thighs.

“I hope you join us for another charity stream in the future y’all. You’ve impressed us so much and we know of a ton of places that can use help from people like you.”

Without further flair, Killer slammed his thighs together making the watermelon burst and fly apart. As red juice and flesh rained around the TikTok influencer, he took a moment to flex his biceps for the camera.

“Yeah, I did that. I slayed that!” Killer chuckled again. “Ok, I’ve getting too silly which means its time to say goodbye,” he stood up with his friends surrounding him.

“I love you all, catch you next time! This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

Live has ended.

Bonus: Pinned Post

KillerCook: Charities, non-profits, and other organizations near and dear to our hearts. Please consider donating, sharing the links, or spreading the word of these organizations to help them meet their goals.

Bikers Against Child Abuse - https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=NW3T5W7Z66U8E

Planned Parenthood - https://www.weareplannedparenthood.org/onlineactions/2U7UN1iNhESWUfDs4gDPNg2?sourceid=1000063

One Click for Palestine - https://arab.org/click-to-help/palestine/

UNRWA - https://donate.unrwa.org/-landing-page/en_EN

Grassroots International - https://grassrootsonline.org/donate/

Jewish Voice for Peace - https://www.jewishvoiceforpeace.org/contribute/?sourceid=1002270

The Trevor Project - https://www.jewishvoiceforpeace.org/contribute/?sourceid=1002270

Point of Pride - https://www.pointofpride.org/donate

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

#killercook #massacre soldier killer #eustass kid #raven's reading nook #firstmatesimp #kid pirates #heat one piece #wire one piece #op kid pirates #kid pirate nakama #killer one piece #eustass captain kid #tiktok #modern AU #eustasscaptainkid #ao3 writer #wattpad author #swampstew #swampstew stories

16 notes · View notes

swampstew · 21 hours

Text

KillerCook Chapter 11

*Phone app notification goes ping*

TikTok – KillerCook has uploaded a new video. Check it out!

Title: HACKED Description: This ain’t your regularly scheduled programming punks!5 minute video. The thumbnail is a shadowed figure with a menacing looking ‘X’ mark over the body.

*Press Play?*

The video began with what appeared to be a hostage situation.

KillerCook was tied to a chair with rope and chains, a blindfold over his helmet and duct tape adhered to most of his face holes.

“Uhh, this isn’t what it looks like,” Killer was able to voice out from behind the bondage.

“No, it’s exactly what it looks like,” barked Kid as he stepped into the frame. “This effin idiot was gonna make content on HIS birthday. Not in my house. Today is technically Killer’s birthday but we’re kidnapping – shut the hell up – him so he can actually let his hair down for once in his life.”

Heat stepped into the frame on Killer’s opposite side, “Originally, we were gonna take over the channel and cook for him. BUT, Kid had a light-bulb moment and we developed a scheme to treat the birthday man. You all will be seeing this next week, but rest assured, we’ve got it covered. Wish Killer a happy birthday in the comments and he’ll read them all when we come back!”

Wire came from behind the camera shaking a can of whipped cream, stepping menacingly towards Killer. Aiming the nozzle into one of the helmet holes, he pressed down on the can until Killer began thrashing, white whipped cream oozed from behind the taped holes. “THIS IS FOR THROWING FOOD AT ME ALL YEAR!”

The video transitioned to a blue and white screen with a traditional birthday melody laid over it.

A slideshow of videos and still-shot frames from Killer’s birthday kidnapping started playing.

Killer’s hostage-wear stayed on as the crew drove to the marina, where a punk-looking yacht was moored. The bow of the ship was adorned with a skeletal body, and there were blue and red flames painted to the sides of the hull. Black cursive spelled out the beauty’s name – Victoria Punk.

“The bag over the helmet is really pointless, I know where we are,” Killer’s muffled complaint went ignored as he was marched up the boarding plank.

About 30 pictures went by with various crew members and friends posing with hostage Killer; one photo had him wearing a beer helmet over the bag over his helmet, the straws tucked underneath all the materials to give Killer some libation.

Finally liberated, Killer – dressed down into swim trunks and his helmet – took a running leap off the yacht to cannonball into the sea. As he resurfaced, the rest of the crew cannonballed after him, created a wave of water to shower down on him and the camera, which promptly died.

_______________________

Kid’s pissed-off scowl came into focus as he adjusted the new camera perspective, “{Redacted} idiots killed my phone instead of using the {redacted} GoPro.”

The next clip showed Killer relaxing with a beer bottle in hand, laying against a giant pizza slice pool float as people drifted by him, playing in the water. All was calm until Quincy, Bubblegum, and Heat swam underneath the float and flipped it over. When Killer broke the surface, the laughter tripled as his hair was plastered all over his helmet and chest, but his beer-bottle was still in one of the face holes.

“There’s sea water in my beer,” he said flatly.

A new clip had a heavy metal anthem roaring in the background as the yacht was sailing at high speed on the open ocean. Killer was standing on the bow, holding a Scottish flag, and thrashing his hair to the music.

More photos of the crew and Killer celebrating his birthday with drinking games, strength competitions, and gorging on fresh seafood flooded the TikTok video. Amongst the main crew and personal friends, there were also members of the Straw Hat crew, and even some ‘frenemy’ rivals that had been spoken of but not ever invited on to the KillerCook channel before. By the time the lighting in the photos grew darker, Killer’s helmet had been exchanged for a face mask and his cerulean eyes were noticeably glossy.

“Hap-hic-happy birthday, Kill, -hic- the best-{redacted}-friend a punk could-hic ask for,” slurred Kid as he gripped Killer’s shoulder. Both men swayed as a cake was brought out to the main deck. Sunset had long passed, the yacht was brightly lit up with swarms of bulbs on strings that hung tastefully along the walls and railings.

Everyone began to sing the birthday song and Killer might have shed a tear, shoving a palm roughly to his face.

“{Redacted}-A, I don’t even know what to say,” Killer drawled out. “All I was going to do was make a small cake and smoke my pipe. You {redacted} are so good to me. Well, not all of you, but I like most of yah. Some I don’t know how you got invited, seriously. But I’m glad you’re here celebrating anyways. I don’t have a wish to make, truly. I’ve got everything, everyone. So thanks. Alright I’m not going to get mushy on all you freeloaders!” Killer ripped off his face mask.

With deep-purple stained lips, Killer’s gorgeous smile shined brightly as he took a gulp of air and blew out the sparkler-flame candles. The party participants roared in celebration at the same time an airhorn started blowing off-screen.

The camera quickly panned to the culprit of the sound. A modest sized cruise ship with a flag waving proudly on the masts pulled up portside. On the side of the hull it’s name was proudly presented: The Baratie. The camera’s change in perspective did not allow for viewers to see who let out the strangled, high-pitched scream of excitement.

Sanji was clutching Killer’s soldiers and babbling incoherently before jumping into the water, swimming towards the restaurant ship.

Hands covering his face, Killer sobbed out, “I’m so fucking happy!! LET’S EAT!!!!”

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

36 notes · View notes

swampstew · 22 hours

Text

KillerCook Chapter 10

“Almost ready guys?”

Affirmative voices responded to Killer as he tied his apron around his waist, preparing to go live. Wire adjusted the overhead camera mount for angles and fluid movement while Heat used his laptop to monitor and assist with the show’s channel.

“Last run down: we go live, I do my bit, the ingredients are presented, the rest of the crew helps mix, assemble, and decorate, we call in Kid and we start the party. Did I miss anything?”

Blank stares looked back at him, not answering until—

“Where’s your helmet Killer?” Dive pointed to his bare face.

“OH SHIT!”

A light knocking came from the kitchen door and Killer jumped, “NO ONE COME IN HERE! ITS FORBIDDEN!”

Silence took over as the person on the other side of the door didn’t answer or knock again. Instead, something was pressed against the wooden door, and multiple feet could be heard scurrying through the hall and away from the kitchen.

“Who else is in the house?” Killer asked after he quickly counted his crew.

“Distractions for the Boss,” Wire flashed him a thumbs up.

“…Which one of you invited the Straw Hats?”

“Killer its time!” Heat called out a minute before the hour.

“Shit, where’s my helmet?!”

Pomp was closest to the door and cracked it open before fully opening to bring in a box sitting on the floor. Inside, Killer’s helmet. A note attached to the front that read:

Sorry we took it. Wanted to see what it looked like with my hat. Jaggy already hit me and the lady in pink said to apologize. Save me some dessert please. Monkey D. Luffy

“I-whatever. As long as it doesn’t smell weird,” Killer grumbled, tossing the note in the trashcan.

Wire led the countdown, “Going Live in 3, 2, 1,” he mouthed the final number and pointed his finger at the chef to begin.

“Hey everyone! KillerCook here with a special announcement. It’s my #1 taste tester’s birthday! So today me and the crew are working together to make awesome desserts for the man who eats anything and everything!”

The crew walked through the camera’s focus as Killer introduced each one to the audience.

“Everyone is contributing, no spice or egg will be added by the same person as we all work together, quite possibly in peaceful harmony, to make this day as great as possible. As always, the recipes will be pinned to the top for anyone wanting to try it out at home. Keep the tags and stitches coming, I love seeing you all try these dishes and putting your own flair on them!”

Directing the procession with the crew, Killer had them walk in and out of the camera frame showcasing each ingredient as if it were a game show presenting the prizes to be won.

“We’re throwing the Captain a party so we need to make enough desserts for everyone AND him. Now Kid isn’t the type of guy who sticks to most traditions, just a few that he holds close to the heart. Birthday cakes he can go either way. To make things interesting, we’re not doing just One Cake. We’re going to make 3 desserts, and hopefully still have enough to satisfy everyone’s appetite and not leave ANY leftovers.”

Pulling out his tablet device, Killer showed the screen to his followers to share the desserts in mind. The sound of notifications pinging indicated that the poll was popping off. Heat gave Killer an enthusiastic whisper shout and lowered the background music so the audience could hear Killer better.

“I’m hearing a debate has broken out on whether or not two of the desserts are the same. Well kind of yes and no. Choux pastry technically is the branch family that makes both Profiteroles and Cream Puffs, HOWEVER – the difference is the filling, one uses custard and the other uses whipped cream and fruit. So technically different. Yes, I agree that a Chocolate Trifle is the clear ‘birthday cake’ replacement, but like I said, we need enough for everyone and Kid doesn’t love sharing.”

Killer motioned for Gig and UK to bring a massive serving dish into the camera’s focus.

“This is why we had to custom order this bad boy!” using a rag from his apron pocket, Killer wiped some fingerprints from the side of the bowl. “This is a pure crystal trifle bowl that can hold enough servings for 4 Kids! So I think we’ll be good. We’ll assemble the layers last to let the pudding and whipped cream chill for serving.”

The two men brought the bowl to a different area and out of the way as Killer brought out the first group of bakers.

“This is the Trifle Squad. Get to position,” the group composed of Reck, Dive, Jaguar, Pomp, and House moved towards the counter space nearest to the fridge. They began grabbing their ingredients and tools to begin baking when given the sign.

“This is the Cherry Squad, they have the fun bonus of mashing the cherries for our glaze outside. Speaking of, you can go do that now,” Killer pointed off camera. Mosh, Boogie, Quincy, Compo, and Disc J marched to their designation.

“Can’t forget about the [redacted] squad. And if you’ve been wondering about the recent use of censorship lately, well to be honest it’s all on you guys. There’s been an addendum to the social media contract that says we can’t say certain words or risk getting banned. So keep it PG-17!”

Haikei, Emma, Moai, Hop, and Papas made their way to the kitchen island with their respective mixing bowls and ingredients. That left only a few members of the official crew left.

“And last but certainly not least, the Rough Runners. Unlike the name implies, they will be our kitchen coordinators that clean dishes, bring us ingredients or tools we need to each other and from anywhere we keep them. Step up guys,” Killer motioned for the last members to come forward.

Hip, Oscar, Noe, UK, Gig, and Bubblegum stood in a line from descending order as they waved to the camera.

“Bubblegum and Gig also act as bouncers and security on the side and will also be the enforcers tonight as our parties tend to uh, get a little crazy,” Killer waved to the other tallest members of the crew that weren’t Wire.

“With the help of some local friends, the party is being set up in the backyard while we prepare the desserts for the birthday brute. Ideally, we all work in harmony to make the desserts at once. If we can manage that, well let’s just say there’s an underground betting pool that this is all riding on.”

The crew laughed as Killer joined them with his pastry hat adjusted on his helmet. Heat turned up the music playlist and Wire took over directing the live show so the chef could focus all his energy in his kitchen. Every crewmate had their moment of camera time as Wire woved between the bakers, the glazers, the runners, and Heat who entertained the community chatters as he ran polls and answered the text channel to keep the audience engaged.

As Killer prepared the doughs for baking, his commis chefs worked in their respective sections to make the glaze, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, bake the brownies, crush the No-reos, and do everything in between. Any time the groups found themselves with a few minutes to spare, they would huddle around Heat and talk to the audience as Wire filmed it.

“—And that’s cool and all but I wouldn’t mind becoming a tattoo artist, in fact I already do dotwork style but most people prefer other methods so no reason to stay in one lane,” Emma finished the rest of her water and handed the glass to Oscar. He threw her a dirty look before going to the sink.

“User_x58469: is directing this question to Papas: ‘are the tinted sunglasses indoors a statement’?”

“Yeah it’s a statement. A statement that says I need prescription glasses and I have style. [Redacted] off, I’ve got work ta do,” he grumbled, pulling his hoodie over his head and walked to the kitchen.

“He’s sensitive about his eyesight,” Heat tutted at the chat.

“And I’m sensitive about lingerers,” Killer loomed over the sizable group that had crowded around Heat and Wire. “It’s time to do the decorating, give me my show back!”

As the crewmembers ran to their stations, Killer tsked at his technical assistants before taking command of the camera once more.

“We’re in the last stretch! Now we get to the fun part, filling and putting together the layers. For the trifle, we’ll be taking turns layering the cooled pudding and whipped cream, the chopped up brownies, crushed no-reos, and chocolate shavings in the crystal bowl. We’ll also be filling the profiteroles with vanilla custard and drizzling the chocolate sauce on top once all the dough balls are filled. At the same time, we’ll be cutting the other half of the dough balls in half so we can layer the black cherry whipped cream between the two halves and top it off with some powdered sugar and a generous drizzle of black cherry glaze.”

Killer looked at his watch, “We’re making such great time that we’ll actually be done at the time the party starts which is just perfect. I have time for a few questions before I get back to supervising and layering.

“FreeBritney_MS: wants to know how difficult is chiox pastry, and if you need to be an advanced baker to attempt it.”

“Oh this is a myth! Its considered an advanced form of bakery but really all you need is patience and creativity. Most people fail between making the dough just right, or in the double baking process. Common mistakes I see are undercooking the dough, or having the structure fall when baking is done. I would advise working slow to see what your dough needs from you in order to bake exactly what you want. Don’t forget to poke a hole before the second bake, otherwise the inside won’t fully cook and get that flaky crispness its known for.”

Before long, the kitchen was relatively quiet as the music flowed and the crew took their time meticulously decorating each dessert. When they were done, they had created 300 pastries and probably the world’s biggest trifle.

“Without further ado, let’s bring in the man of the hour for his taste testing.”

Killer pressed the button under the counter to signal for Kid to come in. With a final grating of chocolate shavings on the trifle and making sure the sauces and glazes dripped in droolworthy fashion, he pushed a plate of desserts from the main bounty forward and motioned for the crew to move around to still be in the camera’s wide frame shot.

Everyone waited in anticipation as the thudding sound of boots echoed from the hallway. The door was pushed open, revealing a behemoth wearing an outfit fit for the King of Punks.

Kid was dripped out in black, ripped jeans with a mesh tank top that was partially covered by his beloved patched jacket. It had all his favorite bands, his own jolly rogers, and other inside jokes patched on the black dyed denim and spikes that ran down the collar and shoulders. At his waist, a checkered plaid half kilt that shrouded his legs but did not take away from his steel toed Doc Martens. His tufted hair was styled extra pointed, and his signature goggles were gone, in their place a simple paisley bandana keeping his long locks from his face.

Instead of his usual black guyliner, Kid had opted for a dramatic wing effect and complemented the look with a smoked red color that made his eyes glow. He had gone a little heavy on the highlighter dusted across his cheekbones and tip of his nose, but his red lipstick was immaculate as always. His golden piercings shone as if a hundred camera flashes were going off at his every movement.

The pièce de résistance was the massive wreath that rested against chest.

Massive whirls of meringue were piped together side by side to create the wreathe, and inside each of the piped nest shapes, there were tufts of meringue piped inside and on the outer rim of the nest to create a thick chain of meringue gears. The inner circle of the wreath was reinforced with solid layers of meringue to keep the shape stable, and in those flat surfaces, diluted food coloring had been used to paint a watercolor like design. The design looked vaguely like an eastern red dragon encircling the wreath itself. The gears were sprinkled with splashes of silver food coloring and edible gold leaf flakes placed on the outer rims.

A smirk was plastered on Kid’s face as he gently lifted the wreath from his chest, “Jealous of my bling?”

“Wh-what is it?” Dive asked.

Killer walked up to the birthday boy and lightly tapped his finger to the wreath, “It smells and looks like it’s made of meringue.”

“Damn straight it is. Gonna eat it later.”

“Oh that’s really cool, look at the detail,” Wire ran his fingers on the wreath for the camera and pressed too hard on one of the gears causing it to crackle and dent.

“WATCH IT! You break my wreath and I break your face,” Kid snapped, stepping past the curious hands to stand in front of the island countertop.

“It’s sturdy enough which means an expert made this,” Killer scoffed, “It’ll stay together assuming you don’t punch it or tug it.”

“Yeah yeah, what’d you make for me?”

“Excuuuuusssseeee me, Captain,” the chef regained his posture. “Made you this. Happy [redacted] birthday!” he flippantly pointed at the desserts.

“What’re you bitchy about?”

“I thought I was making your birthday dessert.”

“This isn’t dessert, Kill. It’s a tasty treat, from a tasty treat. Drop the dramatics.”

Like a switch had been flipped, Killer straightened his hat and cleared his throat, looking at the camera to continue his script.

“Aye aye Captain,” he said only a little sarcastically. “We present you with profiteroles, cherry cream puffs, and a chocolate trifle. We put together ‘specially for you.”

“Happy birthday captain!” the crew began cheering in the background as Kid smiled and nodded his head at them. He popped a profiterole in his mouth first.

“Oh damn that’s so good! I thought it was going to be cakier but the way it just crumbled and the custard to pastry ratio is just perfect!”

Killer nodded in approval as the others whooped.

Grabbing a napkin in his metal hand, Kid carefully ate the cherry cream puff, careful to not let it drip on his clothes. “I never knew cherry could taste this [redacted] good! The glaze has a tarty aftertaste but it hits so well after the whipped cream and pastry goes down. I really like those, make sure I get more of those.”

“Aye aye,” Killer went to section off a generous portion.

Balancing his mini dessert bowl in his hand, Kid took a precarious bite before a pleased smile spread across his face, “I really thought this would be too sweet but [redacted] [redacted] if that isn’t the best chocolate dessert I’ve ever had. The pudding and whipped cream layers are so light that its easy to just gobble this up. The brownie and no-reos go well with that sweet and salty balance, and just all together like this, I already said it but I’ll say it again, the BEST chocolate dessert, maybe in the history of ever. Great [redacted] job everyone!”

The crew swarmed Kid to individually wish him a happy birthday before the camera could get a clear shot of the Captain again. When they moved to the background and out of the frame, Kid grabbed Killer in a delicate hug that didn’t crush the sugary wreath.

“Thank you brother, it means a lot to me you went through this effort to make me something. You always do but it never ceases to amaze me.”

“Anytime little brother. We’ll always have your back, ride or die for life, we’re the Kid Pirates!”

The sound of howling and whistling overtook the music as the crew cheered for their nakama. They began tossing balloons around the kitchen and Killer took of his chef hat to replace it with a party hat. Suddenly, the sound of a young man’s voice cut through all the yelling.

“IS IT TIME FOR THE CAKE?!”

“Looks like we’re outta time! See you next time when I teach you all how to tackle the dreaded croissant. It’s not that hard, and like everything else I make, slays. This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

Live has ended.

Bonus: The comment section

Prop0$aline: How does a guy get a dessert order like that for my birthday? Asking for me. KillerCook: For a limited time only, I’ll be selling baked goods online! Scream_Maim_Fire: Siiiike, most state laws prohibit the sale of consumable goods. If you drive here that’s a different story. KillerCook: Please do not drive here. CabinHo3: From the bottom of all our hearts, happy birthday Captain!!! PunkNeverDied69: Thanks <3 Iwannabe_wherethepirates_arr: When is recruitment open??? FlamingHot420: Ehh…to be determined. Working on some…roadblocks at the moment.

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

14 notes · View notes

swampstew · 22 hours

Text

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK - ᑕᕼᗩᑭTEᖇ 9

*Phone app notification goes bing bong*

TikTok – KillerCook has uploaded a new video. Check out their page and make sure you turn on notification so you don’t miss any content!

Title: Countless Cupcakes Description: It’s Heat’s birthday! Enjoy this compilation video of us smashing cupcakes in his face. 4 minute, 30 second video. The thumbnail is Heat’s face, covered with a healthy amount of colorful frosting, someone made a smiley face over where his lips would be, his eyes are blazing red.

*Press Play*

“Hello everyone! KillerCook here with some exciting news – one of my best buddies, FlamingHot420, is celebrating his {redacted} years on this planet. So how else can we show him we love him? By smashing cupcakes in his face when he least expects it. Everyone on the crew made a different flavor, some might be boozy, some might have a surprise inside, and some might be edibles. Let’s see how fucked up we can get him! Make sure you wish him a happy birthday in the comments – and only happy birthday – OR ELSE!” Killer’s finger wagged at the camera before he picked up a cupcake. It was wrapped in a metallic blue foil, topped with blue frosting and vertical white chocolate stripes.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUCKER!!” the blonde suddenly screamed as he threw his cupcake across the room. The camera panned to follow the baked confection’s trajectory. Flying through the air until it splattered hilariously into the tall, blue haired cutie. His suit and tie t-shirt was immediately covered as frosting dripped from Heat’s face.

With closed eyes, Heat poked his tongue out and licked the ruined treat hanging off his lip. “Hmmm, blueberry with toasted coconut? Damn that’s RICH. What’s the aftertaste I’m getting, white chocolate?”

“You’re not wrong,” Killer mused, pulling a long spoon from the hole in his helmet, licking up frosting from the bowl. “The white chocolate was to mask the weed taste. I forgot how many grams I put in it.”

“Jesus Christ Killer.”

“I’m lying,” Killer whispered to the camera when it panned back to his face. “I know exactly how much I put in it.”

Kid burst into the background wearing several pointed party hats on his head that resembled a spiky bike helmet, bulky stereo perched on his shoulder that was on but not playing anything.

“KID PIRATES – ASSEMBLE!!!!!!!!”

Before Heat could move, more of the crew began filtering into the kitchen space, each one holding a different cupcake in hand, all wearing party hats and mischievous smirks on their faces.

“Ah shit,” Heat’s shoulders slumped, “You’re really gonna make me run on my birthday?”

“Only if you don’t want to get {redacted} {redacted} to {redacted} and {redacted} gang-bang style,” Kid roared with laughter as his own comment.

“KID YOU CAN’T SAY THAT ON CAMERA!” Killer whipped a spatula full of blue frosting at the Captain.

The redhead dodged the creamy frosting and pressed play on the stereo, blaring a popular birthday rap song that made the speakers boom.

“ATTACK!” The redhead grabbed the second cupcake Wire held in his hand, smushing it into Heat’s gaping jaw. The piped red frosting smeared over Heat’s lips, the cake itself crumbling and squeezing through Kid’s hand as he crushed it for maximum mess.

Heat jumped back for space, pushing aside Killer and Jaguar as he raced for the door to the yard, half choking and half going mmmmmmm at the flavor.

“Was that real Fireball whiskey?!” Heat hoarsely cried out as he stumbled through the threshold.

“YOU BETCH’Y’RE ASS IT IS!”

“You guys are gonna kill me!”

With the same rap song laid over the rest of video, the remaining minutes were a compilation of short clips of each member of the crew smashing their cupcake wherever they could reach on the tattooed bluette. Heat would eat whatever remains he could gobble up and call out the flavors as the camera chased behind him, the rest of the crew coming in and out view as they creatively tried to dive bomb and trip the birthday boy so they could throw cake in his face.

“Chocolate Peppermint!”

“Matcha and Cinnamon!”

“Purple…velvet? You can make red velvet purple? Is there a blue velvet?!”

“Death by Chocolate!”

“Pistachio Rosebud? Didn’t expect that from you Pomp.”

“Pink Lemonade? Do I look like a bitch?”

“Margarita alright that’s more like it!”

“ICE CREAM IN THE MIDDLE! HOLY FUCK!”

“Plain vanilla? Really? Are you basic?”

“Caramel Latte? I feel fancy.”

“NO THE PRESENTATION EVEN LOOKS LIKE A MOSCOW MULE DON’T—”

“Carrot cake!”

“Boston Crème! That is decadent!”

“Bro I love Cinnamon Toast Crunch!!”

“Mimosa? Is it bottomless? No really is there more?”

“CANNOLI?! Mama Mia…”

“You know I’m a sucker for Kahlua, Wire. Easy win you bastard.”

“Cheesecake center? Well damn!”

“DON’T YOU DARE THROW THAT PICKLE LOOKING CONCOCTION AT ME GIG I’LL FUCKING KILL—” *spews it out. *

“It looks like the Grinch. Is it the Grinch? Is that would the Grinch would taste like? He tastes like weed…ooohhhh.”

“Rumchata? Look at you, fancy as fuck, House.”

“Bro the cookie dough presentation, cookie dough frosting, and cookie dough cake flavor is fucking me up. Was that all cooked – none of it was raw right????”

“Is that real marshmallow fluff? Oh it’s s’mores I love that!”

“Is that supposed to be brains? Jesus Christ I don’t wan— oh! It’s raspberry!”

“CHURRO! BITCH I LOVE CHURROS!”

“…That crème brulee frosting looks sus…”

“Pumpkin Spice, hell yeah.”

“Lemon custard!”

“Caramelized Pear? Oh shit that’s divine!”

“Aw it’s my face!” – SPLAT – “Mmm, yes I do feel like if I was a cupcake flavor, I would be Guiness Chocolate. Exquisite.”

The video ends with a repeat of the chorus fading and a still frame of the Kid Pirates laying down on the floor looking drunk and covered in frosting and cake. Heat is in the center, completely passed out. As the video fades to black, KillerCook’s logo floats to the center before the video ends.

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

23 notes · View notes

swampstew · 22 hours

Text

dev patel really said "i support trans ppls rights....... trans ppls rights to kill bigots with guns and metal pipes and chairs and cool knives'' anyway watch monkey man

7K notes · View notes

swampstew · 22 hours

Text

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK - ᑕᕼᗩᑭTEᖇ 8

Summary: Inspired by this youtube short sent by @basilisa-scorpii <3

*Phone app notification goes ping*

TikTok – KillerCook has uploaded a new video. Check it out!

Title: Constructing Manwiches Description: Making the boys some lunch in an unorthodox way. What’s your favorite tool? 5 minute video. The thumbnail is Killer wearing his trademark blue and white striped helmed topped by a yellow hard hat.

*Press Play*

“Hey everyone! KillerCook here for a short one today. Between the four of us, we manage a repair shop that’s attached to a car garage that we also own for our day jobs. We’ve had some big projects recently and we’re all pulling double shifts to get our orders done in time. So, apologies that I haven’t been making content lately during this lull period! Today, I’m going to prep some sandwiches for the guys so we can keep on working. Recipe is in the caption, let’s get to constructing these bad boys.”

The head chef was wearing a half-unbuttoned, navy-blue jumpsuit with a beat up white tank top underneath. Perfectly chiseled muscles unfairly hidden under the tight-fitting uniform. He tied his apron over his outfit and then pulled out a yellow safety hat from off-camera and placed it on his covered head.

“Presenting: the ingredients—”

The camera panned to the countertop that had a line of uncut deli meats, veggies, cheeses, spices, and seasonings spread out in an organized fashion. At the end of the row sat a pile of long bread loafs.

“—And the tools to make our lunch.”

The camera panned to the kitchen table. Lined across the wood were literal construction tools. A circular saw, a smaller handsaw, a chisel, a bolster, a hammer, a wide head pan, measuring tape, a putty knife, a trowel, a disc grinder, a small torch, and of course, toothpicks.

The next few seconds showed Killer dramatically sliding on construction gloves, snapping safety glasses over the face of his helmet, and tying his hair back in a messy, low bun. The synth-pop beat of a song playing in the background accompanied his video.

As was common with TikTok videos, the next few minutes were short clips of Killer preparing the food using the tools to make the titular ‘Manwiches.’

Using the circular saw, Killer sliced the bread loaves apart. With the ruler he measured the length of each loaf half and then measured the meats, cheese, and vegetables. He utilized the smaller handsaw and bolster to chop the produce and deli ingredients to size. Killer picked up the head pan and began adding spices, seasonings, and wet ingredients, mixing them together with the chisel to create the signature sauce.

Stepping back to grab the torch, Killer used it to lightly toast the bread. Starting with the most cooled half, Killer reached for the putty knife and dipped it into the head pan, spreading the sauce over the bread.

Killer used the trowel to place layers of meat, cheese, and vegetables down one after another, each layer separated with a thin layer of oil, mayonnaise, and Dijon mustard, respectively. Before he placed the top half of the bread over the nearly complete sandwiches, he sprinkled salt and pepper from his fingertips like a diva chef. A certified meme.

With the sandwich constructed, Killer picked up the ruler again and began placing the toothpicks 5 inches apart from each other, using the hammer to lightly tap them through the thick sandwiches. Grabbing the disc grinder, he gave the sides of the loaves a once-over to trim the fallout. Wiping down the handsaw, Killer used it to cut the loaves into handheld sandwiches, the toothpicks helped keep the stuffed ingredients stabilized as he cut them into shareable sizes. A cute spinning logo led the transition to the next scene, the logo flying far too fast to make out.

For a moment, the camera was blurred and unfocused due to four sandwiches being pressed right up to the lens, only to be pulled back by the four hands of the housemates. As the sandwiches cleared the focal point, Wire, Heat, and Kid came into view as they brought their sandwiches to their mouths, taking large bites out of them. The camera zoomed in on their faces as each man’s face reacted to the food.

Each hunk was wearing a one piece outfit – Heat and Kid wore similar jumpsuits to Killer, though Heat was the only one who wore his formally. Kid had taken the top half of his off, hanging over his hips with no undershirt on as his sweaty skin glistened against his sculpted, muscles on camera. Wire wore a short, striped romper, choosing fashion over work safety.

Kid’s dimples were smeared with sauce, a bit of lettuce stuck to his lip as he chewed with bulging cheeks. How the food wasn’t oozing through his wide smile was a mystery. Heat’s eyes were closed as he took bite after bite of his sandwich, flashing a thumbs up at the camera.

Wire had one eye screwed shut and was pushing down the bridge of his nose as he ate his, “It’s got a bit of a kick!”

Instead of verbal reviews, the three taste-testers/lunch recipients held up pieces of paper with hand drawn ratings of the food. Kid and Heat both held up two scythes crossed at the center, while Wire held up one scythe. The redhead and bluette glared at their tall friend who responded with a shrug.

Wire was not expecting to be hit by a sandwich but that’s exactly what happened. From behind the camera, Killer threw his with such speed it appeared as a blur on camera, exploding on impact and showering Wire with sauce, meat, cheese, and veggies. Kid and Heat roared with laughter as Wire frowned at his stained short-sleeve romper, throwing a middle finger at the camera.

The video ended with the frame of Wire going through a glitch effect as the hue turned blue. At the end, KillerCook’s logo floated to the center of the screen before the final video effect turned the show off.

Bonus: The comment section

Bolt.N.Nuts: I’m just a lost lil’ bit looking for my power drill🥺 KillerCook: …I don’t even have words. Are you calling ME a tool? PunkNeverDied69: Your 🍆 dude KillerCook: Don’t bring eggplants into this!

Merry1589: I’m a ground stake looking for the right sledgehammer. PunkNeverDied69: Jesus Christ – Killer what did you start

Seri0usP3rson: My favorite tool is handsome and dumb as bricks FlamingHot420: Now that’s just mean.

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

25 notes · View notes

swampstew · 23 hours

Text

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK - ᑕᕼᗩᑭTEᖇ 7

TikTok – KillerCook’s live stream has ended but you can still watch the video. Check out their page and make sure you turn on notification so you don’t miss another one!

Title: Brick Oven Pizza Description: My blue haired assistant and I make some pizza. Easy enough recipe that even a child can do it. What’s your favorite pizza topping? Wrong answers only!

*Press Play*

“Hey there everyone! KillerCook here with one of my best buds – you all know him as FlamingHot420 – I refer to him as just Heat. Say hi Heat!” Killer waved to the camera, gently nudging a flustered Heat to do the same.

Abandoning the loc he had been twisting nervously in his hands, Heat dropped one and raised the other to say hello. Both hands behind his back as he let Killer do his introduction.

Heat’s stance allowed for his shoulders and biceps to be more pronounced, not on purpose of course, but noticeable all the same. The light shined on the two sets of thick, black thorn tattoos that ran down his arms, connecting to the ones that wrapped around his throat in three coils. His long, black muscle tank top made his muscles pop, though the fabric covered far too much of his figure as it draped over his pants. The way he was standing did not allow for viewers to appreciate his figure from the side.

“Today, Heat is my assistant as we make brick oven pizzas. Don’t fret though, Kid will be here later to taste test still.”

Heat rolled his eyes, “Killer remind me, is this your social media account or his?”

Killer coughed, “To be determined. Moving on! Heat would you mind telling us why we’re making the ‘zzas this way instead of the traditional oven method?”

The helmeted man walked away from the counter to set up the prepping area in the background as Heat spoke, albeit still nervously, to the audience.

“When using a brick oven, the confined space and coals bring out a smokey and distinct, sweet flavor as it cooks the pizza. Roasting it over fire helps bring out the sugars in the dough and sauce, making the crust and toppings nice and crispy when fully done.”

Walking back to the camera and microphone, Killer added, “Obviously we didn’t think it was practical to build and house a brick oven in our kitchen. So we built one outside! With it being disgustingly humid with a chance of casual thunderstorms during the summer, we’ve opted to create our pies inside before taking them out back to bake. Being inside is the only safe space from mosquitos.”

Heat nodded in agreement, “They always target me for some reason!”

Pinging notifications went off and both men leaned in together to read them.

“CalzonesAreMid: says, ‘Brick oven pizza is elite. You’ll have to post photos of the set up!’ Thank you, and we will post follow up content this week to showcase the food and the oven. I’m real proud of the work the four of us did,” Killer beamed privately.

Heat cleared his throat, “ItsEtymologyOClock: says, ‘Aww Heat they target you because you must have sweet blood!’” he blushed. “Actually, there are scientifically backed reasons why mosquitoes target certain people and not others, but I don’t remember all of what it said. I do remember that only female mosquitos bite and its because they’re seeking protein in order to lay their eggs. It’s creepy, violating, and fascinating,” he mused. “What?” he asked when he noticed Killer’s head tilt at him.

“This isn’t ‘Heat’s Weird Facts About Bugs hour,’ it’s KillerCook time. Let’s shift from sweet tasting blood to marinara sauce.”

Tying his apron behind his back, Killer’s chino capri pants hugged his rounded bottom as he tightened the strings over his hips. Wearing a V-neck cut shirt, short blond body hair peeped from the free space, while his muscles strained against the cotton material. As he pulled his hair back, his arms bulged with his movements; his scarred arm seemed bulkier on camera, especially as he expertly twisted his wrist and wrapped his hair into a massive bun. Placing a hair net over it, Killer shot finger guns to the camera.

“_LickMeImurLollipop asks: What’s cooking good looking?’” Heat stifled a laugh behind his gloved hand. He too had tied his hair back into a messy bun, his locs held in place with multiple hair bands and two hair nets. “Oh, they also added: ‘Heat baby don’t pout. You’re looking immaculate as always. When I die, I hope you hold my hand on my way to hell.’ What makes you think you’re going to hell, Lollipop? A sweetie like you is definitely going to heaven,” Heat shocked the audience with his smoothness. “Killer and Kid aren’t the only ones with rizz,” he huffed at the replies he received.

“No but you definitely learned it from us,” Killer chuckled. “For today, we’re going to use a simple base recipe, keep in mind we make our own dough. You can use store bought, I won’t judge – much. But for those interested in learning the traditional way, don’t look away. We’re gonna pound this dough into perfection.”

It was Heat’s turn to chuckle, “We’re also going to beat the marinara sauce until its nice and smooth, perfectly balanced with spices. Should I showcase the ingredients?”

With Killer’s approval, Heat began showing off the ingredients and brands used to the camera. Distilled water, dry yeast, salt, flour, extra virgin olive oil, a variety of cheeses, oregano, black pepper, tomatoes, and fresh basil.

“If you don’t have extra virgin olive oil, you can use born-again virgin olive oil,” Killer quipped as he mixed the dough ingredients in a steel bowl. That made Heat choke while he prepared the sauce in a separate bowl.

“Now, technically you’re supposed to let the dough rise and set before use. But we don’t have an hour to wait on that so—” Killer explained as Heat put away the dough bowls in the fridge, exchanging them with three bowls that had blue and white checkered cloth covers over them. “We made these last night! We’re going to flatten these down using flour to prevent sticking, and then we’ll pile on the base before we garnish the living shit out of these with toppings. We’re making 3 pizzas, each one with different toppings that we enjoy.”

Heat pulled out vegetables, meats, and more cheese than should be legally allowed in one household over the countertop while Killer pulled out three flat pizza stones that would be inserted in the oven.

“I like pineapples on mine and I don’t want to hear a damn word about it,” Heat said. “Anyone that disagrees is just a hater following the opinions of others. Don’t be like that,” he complained, popping a few slices of the fruit into his mouth, letting out a soft but not inaudible grunt of approval.

Killer pulled out a small ceramic bowl from the fridge, “I like to add macaroni and cheese on mine. I don’t give two shits what anyone thinks about it. I live my life the way I want.”

“And of course, Kid likes his loaded with meat and vegetables. I’m pretty sure we make him a plate of just that with a side of crust,” Heat chopped up slices of pepperoni, sausage, and ham while Killer did the same with the other meats and veggies.

“Yeah, for his we make the crust extra thick, and we also stuff the edges with extra cheese. We love Kid but we also love him more when he’s passed out from a food coma. The silence? Truly golden,” Killer’s shoulder shook as he quietly laughed.

“Shut the hell up,” a grumpy looking Kid came into the camera’s view. His demeanor piqued when he smelled the aromas coming from the countertop.

Both cooks shook, Heat more audible in his laughter, as they prepared their pizzas. Slathering the crusts with a mix of butter, garlic, and parmesan for extra pizzaz. Taking their pizza stones, they laid their creations down and covered them up with plastic saran wrap to keep them bug free.

“Time to throw them in the oven. Kid can you please take the camera so we can show our viewers the oven we all worked so hard to make?”

Kid had been in the background nonchalantly posing in his tight fitting gym clothes. Wearing compressed pants that looked like leggings and a tight, red muscle shirt, his muscles gleamed under the lights in the kitchen. Impatiently changing his stance as he waited while also doing the most to steal the attention of the viewers.

“Impure_Thots: says, ‘Mama Mia, can I have him as a topping?’” Killer shook his head. “We excuse a lot of shady things, but I draw the line at cannibalism!”

Kid barked out laughter as he took the camera and followed his housemates to their massive backyard. Unlike the last video where they had a pool party, the yard looked almost too big for just the three men. The pool looked refreshing as the water reflected under the sunshine.

Holding the camera, the redhaired punk pointed it to show the audience a wide, quaint looking brick oven. It stood where the tables during their pool party once stood. It was a brilliant red color with double wide black steel doors. Hooks were hammered to the side that held cleaning tools, and a massive wooden paddle – a pizza peel, to help place the pizzas in and out of the fire. Underneath the doors was an open space that was already filled with firewood and coal. In fact, it was so stuffed that it didn’t look like anything could be moved or added to the fire pit.

“We made this oven to be able to hold four pizzas at a time. Work smarter not harder,” Kid announced proudly.

“Actually, when baking pizzas you’re supposed to A) have the fire be burning at least 20-40 minutes before sticking your pies in, and B) the fire should be situated to the side not directly under the pizzas. This is to help keep an eye on how its cooking instead of heating it up too quickly and resulting in burnt pizzas. Without some room for cold air circulation, you’ll end up with a less than desirable pizza. Burnt to a crisp without properly cooking evenly,” Killer explained.

“I hate being kept waiting. Fire them shits up Heat!” Kid barked.

“NO WAIT!” Killer screeched.

The camera seemed to freeze in place as a flashing brightness flooded the view. Nothing could be seen and all that could be heard was panic and unintelligible shouting. The camera itself stopped recording and a small glitch occurred before a buzzing static took over. After a minute, a screen card was layered over the video with a message that read: Idiotic technicalities. Please standby.

Several minutes later, the recording picked up and the message faded away. When the camera’s focus was cleared, Killer, Heat, and Kid stood front and center with folded arms. Each muscled man was covered in grime and soot. Killer’s helmet had distinct burn marks while Kid and Heat’s shirts were marked with singed holes.

None of them looked pleased.

“SO! What did we learn?!” Killer snapped at his housemates.

“Don’t listen to Boss,” Heat muttered.

“Shut up!” Kid’s face flushed red with embarrassment. Killer swatted the back of his head. “Listen to the head chef when it comes to cooking,” the Captain finally admitted, scowl engrained in his face.

“That’s right,” Killer scoffed. “Sorry for the disruption during the stream. We obviously had to deal with an inferno that has since been put out and cleaned. I know it may come off weird doing another stream for all of 10 minutes but we still wanted to do the taste test. We’ll clean the live up in post-editing before I upload the video on my channel. Now without further ado,” Killer turned around to the kitchen island table.

From the backside, his pants and shirt were burnt so severely it looked like he walked through hell and back. Heat and Kid were no better off as they shifted around the kitchen to take seats. With a comically large pizza cutter, Killer sliced the pizzas into shareable portions, bringing the camera closer to show off each one.

His macaroni pizza was lathered in molten cheese, crispy burnt edges on the top of the noodles and crust while steam curled around the top. Heat’s pizza looked like it was sweltering with the way the fresh pineapple chunks oozed with juice that leaked from the pulpy flesh. Kid’s pizza was truly a monstrosity. It was not winning any beauty contests and it surely wouldn’t be able to hold up in his hand but he tried anyway.

Using his metal prosthetic as a plate, he carried the heavy slice to his mouth where he took a massive bite. Cheesy ropes pulled from the crust to his mouth as he dragged the slice away from his face to chew.

“Shiiiiiit,” Kid crowed between his stuffed cheeks. “A bit hot but godsdamn that’s a good ‘zza! You could feed a village with just one slice!” His throat bulged as he swallowed the food. “The vegetables literally popped with juice and flavor as I bit into them. The meats create a savory taste that blend well with all the toppings. If you want something to fill you up quickly, this is the pie to eat.”

Heat was munching on his slice as he nodded in agreement, “It’s very good. The sweetness from the pineapple makes for a pleasant contrast to the saltiness of the cheese and garlic. It’s simple, crunchy, and daring.”

Killer bobbed his head up and down as he listened to his taste testers. Pushing slices of his pizza to them as they each finished their respective slices.

“Hmmm a little heavy on the carbs side but that doesn’t detract from the taste,” Kid said through another full mouth. “It’s fun though, don’t see pasta on pizza often but of course that’s your style, bud. It’s a good pie, I give it a 10/10.”

“I’d give it an 11/10,” Heat argues. “I don’t think you’re giving enough credit to the blended cheese here. I mean we have sharp and white cheddar, mozzarella, gorgonzola, parmesan, AND goat cheese! It’s the ultimate cheesy blend! This is perfect for a heavy lunch that’ll knock you right out.”

“Ultra cheesy, juicy, crispy, crunchy, and savory. That hits all the benchmarks when making a delicious pizza,” Killer began to wrap up the episode. “Can’t wait to dig in myself but first I need to trash my ruined clothes and double check that my hair hasn’t been harmed. If it has, well let’s just say someone’s gonna die. Tune in next time when I make something from back home that we all love - Cranachan. It’s easy to prepare especially in a group setting, and like everything else I make, slays. This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

End of video.

Bonus: The comment section

Unprofessional_Cook: My favorite pizza topping is Chipotle Cajun shrimp with a guacamole base. What say you, Chef? KillerCook: I say, I’m calling the police. You are a menace to society and you must be stopped.

J0ker: Is a fire the reason why our favorite punk has no eyebrows? PunkNeverDied69: Fuck – and I cannot stress this enough – all the way off.

305_Til.I.Die: Ok but like…what happened? What caused the fireball? FlamingHot420: Poor judgment.

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

34 notes · View notes

swampstew · 23 hours

Text

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK - ᑕᕼᗩᑭTEᖇ 6

Welcome to Raven's Reading Nook - a small corner of this blog dedicated to cozy story times. Join us in the family room as we sit around and browse our phones, and eat some Girl Scout cookies as we begin tonight's story. Rated Mature for language. Minors DNI.

˜”°•.˜”°• Happy birthday to me, to Wire, and to my Kid Pirate Stan-mate QuinLoki ♥ Let them eat cake! •°”˜.•°”˜

“Oi! Make sure you have the travel packs ready to go! These need to cool at a consistent temperature or they’ll be ruined, and then I’ll ruin your face!” Killer instructed Heat, stressed about the day’s Live TikTok stream.

Normally he wouldn’t sweat over a stream but today was a big day. Huge one. Been a busy month for him. So many people he knew personally had birthdays in July. Nami and Paulie’s birthdays had already passed, and his actual in real life friends too, not to mention Wire and Nojiko had birthdays coming up as well.

Today though. Whew. Today was the birthday of a friend near and dear to his heart. To everyone in the crew, and pretty much anyone who knew them.

Raven.

She didn’t ask for a cake but they said they were doing it anyways. He only brought out the fancy decorating tool set for desserts he took seriously, and Raven was close enough in his orbit that he was going to do something nice for her. A classic favorite of hers with some extra pizzazz.

“Here we go,” Wire muttered as he finished setting the ring lights and camera up. “You know you don’t have to do one for me right?”

“Are you kidding me dude?! Its your birthday! Everyone gets cake on their birthday, no exceptions.”

“You guys are already taking me on a two-week cruise!”

“Fuck yeah we are bro!” Kid barreled into the kitchen, recently promoted to baker’s not-assistant but equal partner/Cake Boss. Kid himself was shockingly adept at baking cake. Especially the box kind. “You deserve it. We all do! A nice vacation getaway, us and the crew.”

“Yeah yeah we’re nice guys. Shut up and get out of the frame. I’m still making cake for you,” Killer finished the layout of his tools, prepped the baking sheets and pans, pre-heated the oven, brought all ingredients to room temperature, and everything was in place.

“Why so nervous Kill? It’s just cake,” Kid’s brow bone became pronounced against his scarred skin, raised inquisitively.

“Their opinions matter to me!” Killer practically hissed out.

“The audience?”

“No dummy! Our recipients!”

Kid laughed, “Dude, no way be serious. It’s Raven and our TikTok friend, the most laid back people in the world.”

For some reason that resonated with Killer and he took some calming breaths. Gratefully drank the can of ginger ale Kid brought him.

“It’s just, I’m a perfectionist. I know it. It needs to be done just right!”

“Dude, preaching to the choir,” Kid thumped his back.

“Speaking of…did you finish the present?”

Kid stopped his reassuring back pats, “Don’t fucking talk to me. I’m going with plan b.”

Biting back snarky laughter, Killer dusted his apron, double checked his low ponytail, and straightened his helmet one last time before pressing the ‘Go Live’ button, muttering a quick, "Don’tfuckupdon’tfuckdon’tfuckup," under his breath.

“Hello everyone, Killer here,” raising a hand in the air, the short cut of his plain shirt showed off his swollen bicep. He and Kid had worked out an hour before going live, to look extra…camera ready. “Coming at you live with a trifecta of desserts. Well trifecta of cakes anyways. Everyone seems to be born in July so as a time honored tradition, I’ve been baking my ass off. I never make as much cake as I do during the summer months, y’alls parents got BUSY.”

The chimes of notifications flowed as the iPad showed the users commenting in.

“HAH! Every single one of you is celebrating your birthday today?” Kid laughed. “If that’s true happy birthday then. Unfortunately today’s cakes are already being made with people in mind.”

“Yes today we’re making three cakes: one we’re freezing for later, one being overnight shipped, and one we’re personally delivering later. Only the best for our besties.”

“Yo, Wh0_remones says, ‘Where’s a girlie gotta go to fill out the bestie application?' Sorry girlie, applications are closed until further notice,” Kid said with a smug grin.

“To be fair, we do have a lot of friends and its getting hard to keep track of who has birthdays and when,” Killer interjected. “Moving on, for today’s recipes we’re doing good ole’ box mix, made from scratch entirely, and one frozen because its ice cream cake!”

“And because it’s a dick move to eat someone’s birthday cake before them, I’ll be taste testing the scraps along with Heat and Wire,” Kid finished explaining their setup.

“We’ll start with the ice cream cake first!” Killer pulled out two Tupperware containers that had been set out 10 minutes ago. “So if you’ve watched my previous uploads, like video #20, you’ll remember I made my own copy of Oreos, which we call No-reo’s. In preparation for today’s live, I made a fresh batch of No-reo’s over the weekend, which we’ll use for the crumb layer, and I also used it to make No-reo ice cream cream. If you watched my homemade ice cream video, cough video #30 cough, you’ll know exactly how I made these,” he patted the two containers.

“Chocolate and No-reo ice cream, no better combination,” Killer mused. “So ice cream cake is pretty easy if you’re not putting in the extra effort of making the ice cream yourself like me! Store-bought is fine too. Now some people say that an actual cake layer makes for the perfect ice cream cake. I say NAY!”

“NAY!” Kid slapped the countertop.

“NAY!” Wire called out from behind the camera stand holding up the new Panasonic Lumix G9 they bought for TikTok. And for their upcoming vacation.

“In this household, we believe in a sliver of a fudgy, cookie crumb layer and that’s IT!”

“Get outta here with the other fancy shit!” Kid roared.

“Kid is going to crush these cookie ends with the rolling pin while we melt the vegan butter. In the meantime, I’ll make chocolate fudge. Using the same whipping cream for the fudge, I’m going to whip it into whipped cream with my prized stand mixer using powdered sugar and vanilla extract. For the fudge, we’ll use the remaining, still-liquid whipping cream with ethically sourced mini-chocolate chips, vanilla extract, and honey.”

The two men moved around the kitchen to begin their tasks while Wire read out comments to entertain them. The sounds of the blippy electro-synth lofi channel echoed in the kitchen, oddly in sync with their movements.

Killer evenly mixed the softened chocolate ice cream and layered it into the glass pan and two small 10 ounce bowls before setting them in the freezer. He set the fudge aside as he helped Kid combine the crumbled cookies with butter in a small, glass bowl.

“IceBreaker, asks, ‘What are your favorite ice cream flavors?’ Mine is coffee almond fudge,” Wire answered. “Heat’s not in here but his is Mint Chocolate Chip.”

Killer slapped a spoon in a bowl, “Then why the hell am I making No-reo flavor?!”

“Because I didn’t want vanilla as the top layer when you asked!”

“I ASKED what YOU wante—never mind, you’re getting what you’re getting,” Killer sighed. “I like ice cream fine, I just prefer it in a drink format, like a milkshake! I’ll drink any kind but my personal favorite, and I don’t want to hear shit from anyone, is cinnamon pumpkin flavored.”

With a snort, “I like Strawberry Cheesecake,” Kid answered.

“Don’t hold out on them, tell them why.”

“No reason!” Kid growled.

Killer tilted his head, “It’s not even ice cream, its frozen yogurt! And it’s from Dippin Dots!”

“I LIKE THE SMALL ORB SHAPES AND TEXTURE!”

Wheezing, Killer pulled out the glass pan and bowls from the freezer. Kid cleared the countertop of dirty dishes, cleaning them down soapy water and a sponge on a stick, rinsing them off and hanging them on the drying rack while Killer layered the chocolate ice cream layer with the fudge and cookie crumbles.

“We’ll let that sit for five minutes and then finish it off with the final layer of ice cream. While that sets and our whipped cream reaches its final form, we’ll prepare for the next cakes. Technically we’re going to make two cakes at once. Kid will whip up this box mix while I whip up a made-from-scratch cake.”

“Yes I can bake, before any of you start acting cheeky in chat,” Kid’s eyes narrowed as he ripped open the package with this teeth. A small puff of pre-mixed cake mix broke from the tear, lightly dusting Kid’s band shirt. He dumped the mix into a steel bowl and wiped the dusty debris off, the intentionally torn shirt lifted at the bottom, showing off a sliver of chiseled abdominals.

Killer stopped the stand mixer and replaced the steel bowl with Kid’s dry ingredients, scooping the bowl of whipped cream into a piping bag. Setting the bowl to soak, Killer grabbed the ice cream cake and made swirly whipped cream peaks over the face. Adding sprinkles and maraschino cherries on top of each peak.

Kid was adding wet ingredients into his steel bowl, setting the stand mixer to combine the ingredients, taking a proud step back. As it mixed, Kid went to the sink and cleaned the bowl that had the whipped cream. Drying it off, he brought it back to the countertop and added the wet ingredients for Killer’s cake, stopping when his cake mix was done. He scraped the sides and cleaned the mixer’s handle, setting the mixer on low to fold in the remains that hadn’t mixed in.

He poured ¾ of the batter in two round, 9-inch cake pans, setting aside some batter to add cocoa powder for the marbled effect. Once done, he poured dollops of the darker batter into the lighter batter. Creating a swirl effect utilizing a toothpick with a soft touch and concentrated look. When he was done, he restarted the entire process.

Killer had put the finished ice cream cake in the freezer and started mixing his cake’s dry ingredients in a plastic bowl. Slowly adding it into the steel bowl of wet ingredients and folding the mixture to combine. As he was doing so, he noticed Kid working on his second bowl of box mix batter.

“Why are you making it over again instead of adjusting for the appropriate amount of ingredients?”

“You’re not tricking me into doing math on live camera. Shit’s easier to do and less chance of messin up,” Kid barked.

Killer deadpanned to the camera.

“Ooook. Wire please pin the recipes to the top of the message board for everyone to see. Your ice cream cake is perfect, if I do say so myself.”

“I never got that phrase. You’re saying it yourself so what’s the point of pointing out that you’re saying it aloud? We get it, jackass,” Kid licked batter off his finger as he poured it into the second set of round cake pans, starting the marbled process. Adding the batter into a set of 2-inch round pans for the taste test.

Killer ignored him to read out, “RetroTumblrina has this to say: ‘Ok but the fact that you both put so much dedication into making things for your friends is so fucking cute?’ – heh what can we say, we cherish our friends!”

“Yeah we do!” Wire created a heart sign with his hands and placed them over the camera’s lens. The message board pinged and swarmed with love for the tallest man on the crew.

“’Scream_maim_fire I am on my knees begging, please let me slide down your legs like a fire station pole!’ a very enthusiastic response from FuzzyFirehose,” Kid snorted as he walked to Killer. “Stand mixer’s all yours and my stuff’s in the oven. Should be done in 25.”

Killer moved his bowl to the stand mixer, “Great! I can get mine mixed and have the frosting done by then too.”

“Cool, can you do the frosting for mine?”

“No. You said you’d do it all yourself and that’s part of it. Decorating it too.”

Kid’s eyelids squeezed shut in annoyance, “No, anything but that.”

“All of it. Now go clean these bowls to reuse for the frostings.”

The lofi channel lilted softly as the two men cleaned and mixed. Wire answered questions and read out comments as time passed on. Killer poured his batter into three, 8-inch bowls and two, 2-inch bowls, putting them aside for oven space. When Kid brought the clean bowls back, Killer quickly made his four-ingredient buttercream frosting. Making enough to fill out six piping bags with different colors and pulling out his handy frosting plug – a great tool for piping several different colored frostings from one bag.

“Zip_It2556 says, ‘You all are so lucky I am refraining from making the batter, icing, and frosting jokes running through my mind rn on god.’” Kid and Wire laughed out loud at that, with Killer shaking with his head tucked down.

“Actually its all of you who are lucky that we aren’t saying the jokes going through our minds right now. Trust me, you got nothing on us. You’re all on here drooling over us. Whenever I utter a single innuendo you all turn to putty in my hand,” Kid smirked with a cocked brow at the camera. “You all wanna fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid.” Then acting as if nothing happened, Kid went back to his steel bowl to mix his frosting ingredients.

“Now who looks stupid?” Killer wheezed at a scowling Kid, who accidentally set the mixer too high and sent a mess of powdered sugar, cocoa, and butter all over his face and chest. While the flustered redhead cleaned himself and the mess up, Killer removed the marbled cakes from the oven and replaced them with his chocolate cakes.

By the time Kid remade the chocolate frosting and scooped it into piping bags, his cakes had been cooled and stored in a mini cooler Killer bought for the occasion.

“This is temperature regulated so I’m going to set it at a cooler degree to help bring down the overall heat in the cake. Then gradually I’ll lower the setting so it’s not stuck on the coldest degree and cause the cake to snap cold as it were. It would come out dry and crumbly. This method allows the heat to be condensed instead of seeping out, helping maintain moisture and then cool done enough to be at room temperature in time to frost. We’re going to clean up and take a short break, when we come back, we’ll be taking out my cakes to cool, decorating both, and finish this whole show up with the taste test.”

Heat had come back from his shopping trip to return all the ready-for-vacation buyer’s remorse items Killer tossed by the door; and also bought the better packaging Killer aggressively requested. In between advertisements on stream, Heat would play guitar and answer messages.

Kid and Killer came back into view as the oven timer went off. Moving in sync, Kid removed his cakes to the island countertop while Killer moved his cakes to countertop to cool. For a few minutes the camera’s focus was scrambled as it was moved for a closer view. The stand was adjusted and the camera was slightly pointed down with an overhead focus of the table and hosts. The camera captured the finest details of both men down to the smallest beauty marks. It was going to make their cakes look all the more amazing for the audience.

“First thing’s first is trimming the cake for any unevenness, and then we’ll spray the outer layer with this bottle of pre-made syrup. This is to help the cake retain its moisture and prevent crumbing during the frosting process. We’re going to apply a thick layer of frosting in between the layers, with a thin coating on the outsides, which will also prevent the cake from crumbing to the surface as you do the finer details. Since we’re going to stack these cakes, we’re going to add some tools to stabilize the structure from falling or jiggling. Some people use plastic or wooden straws, I prefer to use Pirouline cookies.”

Kid followed Killer’s instructions as he sprayed the cake, layered the chocolate frosting, inserted the wafer pipes, and stacked the cake. Four tiers worth. He spread the second chocolate layer with a wide, flattened blade, smoothing out the top with sharp precision. The chocolate frosting looked almost matte on screen.

“Excellent! Now we’re going to set it in the fridge and clean up the tools to start again with my cakes.”

While Killer did the same process for his Death By Chocolate cake, Kid added frosting layers to all the mini taste test cakes.

“Aww those are cute! I bet they’re gonna taste even sweeter,” Heat cooed over Kid’s efforts.

With both cakes cooling and setting, the crew cleaned the area and sat down to talk about recent news, popular media, and listen to Heat play more guitar. It was only for 15 minutes as another ad break ran through. Their top tier subscribers never had to sit through advertisements, which is why they always had to have something going on in the background at all times. When the timer went off, Killer jumped to his feet while Kid dragged his.

After explaining decorating techniques and frosting tip shapes, Killer got to work on his cake. Using blue and purple frosting, Killer piped basket like ropes on the edges of the top cake layer and around the base of each layer; created swirly peaks on the top layer and smaller pressed peaks on the sides of the layers, connecting them together with multiple thin ropes of white frosting. Using the same thin rope tip, Killer wrote out a message on the top.

“Happy Birthday Dearest REDACTED NAME – and for privacy reasons I’ll say just their handle: UnderstatedGrin,” Killer spoke as he finished the design. The camera zoomed to focus on the delicate piped ropes as Killer added silver coated, chocolate orbs to the centers of the pressed peaks with a pair of long, slim decorating tongs.

The camera panned to Kid who’s hairless brows furrowed together, his tongue sticking partially out as he carefully piped the icing with his metal prosthetic and organic hands.

“Argh, I keep making these peaks too tall and wide,” he complained.

“If you rapidly lift the piping bag down to up while you squeeze, you can create a 3D flower effect. Like this,” Killer demonstrated. Kid seemed to like it as he used the technique to pipe the pastel pink frosting everywhere. Even adding little green leaves at the base of each flower.

With a hum, Killer pulled out a bottle of shimmery liquid, “This is a metallic food coloring. It works best on a light base color to make that shine pop,” he explained as he pooled some in a small cup. Dipping a brush into the cup, he skimmed over the white buttercream ropes to make them silver. “We also have it in rose gold.”

“Mhm,” Kid mumbled as he swapped piping tips and colors. He laid down a pattern of puffy lavender cloud trails on the base of the layers. Swapping the bags and color again, he piped flat, dusty magenta colored lettering on one side of the cake on each layer, turning it around for the camera to see. It read: Happy 30th Birthday Raven!

He quickly dipped a clean brush in the rose gold metallic food coloring, coating the tulip flowers he placed on every flat surface he could find, save for where the birthday message sat. Setting the brush aside, he took the flat tip piping bag and created one final design on the top layer, his famed logo – his jolly roger.

Cocky grin on his face, he motioned for Wire to zoom in more for the audience to appreciate the cake. Wire did and followed up with Killer’s cake. The sound of notifications pouring in nearly drowned out the music. As Wire re-set the original camera position, the crew moved about once more. The only fixed person was Kid as he used the flat tip piping back to add one more thing to the back of the cake. With a satisfied nod, he opened the fridge door and with a careful touch, deposited the cake inside the chilled space.

Killer pulled out the extra cake dishes from the freezer, placing them beside the regular cake test samples that he layered with leftover frosting. Handing Kid, Heat, and Wire spoons, he watched them dig in.

Starting with the ice cream cake, “Ohhh it tastes like childhood memories I remember other people having,” Wire sighed.

Heat nodded, “Yeah like the kind you saw in commercials for party rooms, it looked so good! And this is amazing!”

Kid was too busy scarfing down the dessert. Wiping his mouth, “Perfect fudgy layer that acts as a tasty barrier between two flavors. I love it.”

Killer nodded proudly. He grabbed a tray of iced waters to wash their pallets. Observing as they bit into the Death By Chocolate cake.

Heat and Kid’s eyes rolled to the back of their heads, Heat let out a small moan that he quickly snuffed out with a slap of his hand over his face

“It’s Death BY Chocolate not WITH!” Wire howled. Biting a spoonful himself, he had to force back the satisfied groan that rumbled in his chest, the cake made his tummy feel warm and happy.

“This, this might give me a heart attack,” Kid huffed out, draining his water when he finished his cake.

Killer dutifully replenished the waters, “Not the most traditional reviews but I’ll take it. Now, time for Kid’s marbled cake.”

“I coulda made it from scratch,” the redhead grazed his chin. “S’not what was requested so if it’s not the best, that’s on the shitty nostalgic brand she loves.”

“Right, of course,” Killer drawled. “Well on with it then!”

Wire took the first bite, “Oh wow, that’s really well balanced!”

“Yeah, spongy and light, the chocolate frosting ratio is perfect! The buttercream is a nice touch too,” Heat added as he finished off what Wire wasn’t able to snag for himself.

Kid took a deep breath before taking a bite. Chewing thoughtfully, “Yeah, I’m just naturally gifted that way.”

“That’s not a cake review, you narcissist,” Killer crossed his arms over his chest.

“It’s…pretty good not gonna lie. Heat’s right, it’s spongy, fluffy, not dry and just the right amount of moist. The chocolate is savory and the perfect addition to a cake this light. The buttercream is pretty sweet too, I like to eat it by itself but it’s also decent with the other components.”

Killer swiped the platter and spoon up, turning around and lifting his helmet a little so he could take a bite. “I knew you could do it, don’t know why you were so worked up. This is perfectly ratioed. I give it a double scythe cross on the KillerCook rating scale!” he gave Kid a thumbs up. A cheerful grin spread on the cake boss’ face. Then it occurred to him—

“YOU WERE THE ONE STALKING AROUND THE KITCHEN IN A GLOOM BECAUSE YOU WERE SO ANXIOUS!”

“Are you still on that? We’ve got the closing segment to do,” Killer clapped his hands.

“Don’t let the fear of dry cake keep you from making cake. Cake is meant to be enjoyed, especially amongst friends. With that in mind, we’ll be taking the Death By Chocolate cake to the post office for overnight delivery and bringing the marbled cake to our birthday girl’s party tonight. Hope you all enjoyed today’s live stream and if you try out my recipes, tag me in your creations or duet me! Tune in next time when I make a delicious, cozy dish that takes some tender love and patience – French Onion Soup. It’s moderately easy to prepare and like everything else I make, slays. This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

End Livestream.

“Ok, the party is in 3 hours. Let’s set the box frame in the backseat to securely transport the cakes. Kid and Heat will bring the chocolate cake to the post office while Wire and I get ready. When you guys come back and get ready, we’ll package Raven’s cake and presents. Take an uber if anyone wants to go home tonight, I’m getting smashed and plugging in the RockBand game until it’s pried from my cold, passed out fingers.”

“I’ll bring the extra guitar and drum set,” Wire offered, moving to find the game controllers.

“She always volunteers her place for sleepovers so no one drunk drives. I bet she even went to Costco for water bottles, headache pills, blankets, and pillows,” Heat laughed, pulling the Death By Chocolate cake into the thermally insulated shipping carrier.

“Yeah she did,” Kid grinned, showing them his phone, “She texted me an hour ago with this pic.” It was a pile of the previously mentioned items plus boxes of frozen pizzas, burritos, bagels, a tub of cream cheese, a crate of champagne, and two cases of Powerade.

Reaching under the countertop to open a drawer, the redhead pulled out a card and envelope. “Don’t forget to sign Raven’s card,” Kid said as he handed them pens. He had already written his message and name, also leaving his present inside – a ticket to their two-week cruise.

Before Killer could say anything—

“This rig better work! If a single buttercream decoration droops on her cake, I will kill everyone in the car and then myself,” the redhead growled as he left the house.

Bonus: The comment section

CheezusCrust: What inspired your passion for cooking? KillerCook: Seeing the people I care about struggle with food insecurity. I made it my mission to always bring them the most nutritional and tasty food I could scrounge up from our neighborhood. It wasn’t always easy but it forced me to get creative. It helped that my main test subject is a human garbage disposal.

Wait_SayThatAgain987: What else can the Cake Boss bake? PunkNeverDied69: I can make a swiss roll😊

A_Hoe_Never_Gets_Cold: Shooting my shot. Scream_Maim_Fire, can I climb you like a tree? Scream_Maim_Fire: You better be fast spider monkey. If I catch you, I’ll throw you like a baseball.

N0$33: What did PunkNeverDied69 write on the back of the cake👀 FlamingHot420: Deez nuts joke probably. Raven thinks they’re funny for some reason. Scream_Maim_Fire: Hieroglyphics of some kind. It looked like: 🔧+⚙️=🔩 KillerCook: His (real) body count. PunkNeverDied69: Screw you all.

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

32 notes · View notes

swampstew · 24 hours

Text

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK - ᑕᕼᗩᑭTEᖇ ５

It's unbearably hot and I needed a cooldown. Nothing soothes my soul quite like bullying the characters of One Piece. This chapter was inspired by my friends who yearn for KillerCook, this video of Brandon Farris (skip to 1:37 mark for the gag), and this illustration by Denise Fanta Stay hydrated and wear your suncreen, y'all »»»———　☠　———«««

*Phone app notification goes ping*

TikTok – KillerCook has uploaded a new video. Check it out!

Title: When Watermelons Attack Description: A summer science experiment gone hilariously wrong. 6 minute video. The thumbnail is a still frame of a partially clothed Killer and Kid, with a nervous Wire and Heat in the background.

*Press Play*

Four massive and buff men stood shoulder to shoulder in front of the camera, creating an almost cramped atmosphere despite the fact that they were located in a massive kitchen space. They all waved hello at the camera before KillerCook took a step closer to the camera.

The daylight spilled through the massive bay windows creating a high definition viewing experience. Global weather had been unbearably hot for everyone and the crew was not spared from the dangerous heat wave. Even in the cool-climate controlled house, all four men were sweating as the lead stepped into his role.

“Hello everyone, KillerCook here joined by my buddies whom you all should know and love by now. If you don’t, go back to my very first upload and don’t come back to this video until you’ve watched them all!” Killer held out a stern finger to the camera. “Or don’t, I’m not your father. I don’t care what you do so long as you like, comment, and follow my channel.”

Killer’s hair was weighed down by the humidity in the air, lacking its usual volume; his helmet looked like it was also perspiring under the unforgiving sunlight. Sweat glistened on his neck and arms, and his muscle tank top clung to his sculpted body as he presented some items in front of the camera.

“Normally I have a delicious recipe I create on camera but to be honest, heats killing us!”

Heat, flagged down by a small, pinned tag of his TikTok handle FlamingHot420, stood behind and off to the left of Killer, letting out a surprised look and hurt pout.

“I’m not doing anything!” he pulled back his long, baby blue locks into a ponytail so as not to touch or stick to the back of his neck or tattooed arms. His black, sleeveless gym tank hugged his trapezius muscles, which flexed noticeably along with his sinewy arms as he adjusted his hairstyle.

“Tsk, not you idiot!” Kid growled.

The Boss of the crew, the redhaired heartthrob tagged by his handle PunkNeverDied69, looked crankier than usual in the hellish weather pattern. He wore a loose, light colored t-shirt over gym shorts, his flesh hand tucked into pocket to flair out the billowy material to circulate more air flow around his body. Forgoing his metal prosthetic did not diminish his stature or build in any manner. He still looked like a wall of meat, packaged into a tight container of a body straining against his frame. Every curve and groove of his toned muscles seemed exaggerated with the sweat the dripped between each dip.

Killer dropped his covered face a few degrees before regaining his composure, “ANYWAYS – cooking or baking during these record breaking heat waves seems like a terrible idea. Especially for Wire, he’ll be the first to succumb to heat exhaustion since as we all know, heat rises.” As he spoke, Killer used his hand to demonstrate heated air rising, right in front of Wire’s stature to emphasize the tall joke he was making.

Wire slapped the hand away, “Even on a cool day your jokes suck ass.” Tagged by his handle Scream_maim_fire, he did not help disprove Killer’s point when he wrapped his signature cloak headdress around his body.

“You’re just saying that because you continuously put an endothermic material over your head that’s frying your brain stupid!” Killer retorted.

The heat wave was putting everyone in a pissy mood. Kid snapped rubber bands at them with his thumb and forefinger.

“ENOUGH! Let’s get this over with so you can make our melon slushies!”

“Right,” Killer cleared his throat. “Let’s rewind. Today, we’re going to do a science experiment! How much pressure can a watermelon take before it breaks. We have melons and an obscene amount of rubber bands. When we’re through with the experiment, I’ll make us refreshing and hydrating watermelon slushies.”

“Like hell a bunch of stupid bits of rubber can do shit. I say we get the claw hammer,” Kid’s grin turned sinister.

“No.”

A massive, oblong shaped watermelon was placed on the tarp protected countertop with a dull thud. Killer leaned his helmet close to the melon and began knocking on it to test its ripeness. He swapped the melon out three times before being satisfied with his victim.

Killer began the arduous process of expanding the rubber material and sliding it snugly down to the watermelon’s midsection. The bag he was pulling them from claimed it held 500 rubber bands.

At the 100 rubber band mark, Kid, Heat, and Wire began wrapping their necks, and Killer’s, with damp hand towels lined with ice cubes. Killer let out an audible sigh of relief as he cooled down, revitalized to keep going. The trio decided to spend their time observing while sucking on frozen fruit popsicles.

“By the time we get through all these melons, I’ll have enough for smoothies, fruit leather, slushies, juice, flavored water, and popsicles!” Killer huffed out.

“That’s 236 rubber bands, Killer,” Heat tallied the notepad he was writing in when the masked man gasped excitedly as a seam in the fruit tore, creating a tiny fissure that fizzled with tiny, red bubbles. At 269 rubber bands, the melon began to let out a soft hissing sound.

“It’s like I’m strangling it to death,” Killer said almost too enthusiastically.

“Heh cool,” Kid grinned ear to ear.

At the 398th rubber band, the fruit began to change in shape. The midsection was beginning to slim down, and the melon itself had started out with a bowling ball shape, it now looked more like a fall time gourd. The healthy green coloring it originally had was noticeably paler.

“Ok it looks like we’re getting close to the fun part. We’re going to take a moment to prep our area for the mess.”

The crew stood up, Wire and Heat put the chairs away and opted to stand back instead. Handing the TikTok star a clear-plastic tarp, the blonde placed it around’s the countertop’s base and spread it out. Then, he took off his top.

“Get out of the splash zone if you mind getting wet,” Killer directed to his crew.

“I like getting down and dirty, you know me,” Kid smirked, eagerly ripping his top off. The sun reflected off his golden nipple piercings and created a minor solar glare in the camera. Killer nudged him to move to make it stop. Kid complied while cautiously lowering his welders goggles over his face to keep his eyes free from foreign liquids.

Killer continued sliding rubber bands over the pressurized fruit. Then one snapped. Both he and Kid flinched slightly.

“No!” Killer pointed a stern finger at it. “We’re back down to 421.”

Everyone was noticeably sweatier than before. Whether that was due to the vicious sun rays beating down on their windows or anxiety from the impending explosion of sweet berry juice, viewers would never know.

“Kill, I think 433 is the limit,” Wire’s normally droopy and unbothered eyes were filled with stress, turning away slightly from the swollen fruit that was most definitely trembling. If someone were to snap a screenshot of his face, they would likely the image with text that would say something like: Moments before disaster strikes.

What happened in the next minute could only be described as mayhem.

As Killer grabbed the 434th rubber band, Wire and Heat began nervously backing up from their leaders. The sound of a rubber band snapping made them all flinch and back up slightly, however the fruit only marginally moved before it stilled once more. They all relaxed and resumed their original stances.

“Hey Killer! Hope I’m not too early for our plans tonight. I picked up—”

Killer was in the middle of spreading the replacement 433rd rubber band on the melon when a new person’s voice flowed in the kitchen. Killer turned his head to see who it was and missed the way the melon began vibrating on the spot. Heat, Wire, and Kid all took another step back but it was too late.

The watermelon exploded and ricocheted in two directions.

The top half of the fruit flew straight up in the air and out of frame of the camera only to come back into view and smash Sanji over the head as the French cook stepped into the kitchen to see what the house occupants were up to.

“—QUE DIABLE!” the short haired blonde exclaimed as he was knocked to the ground in a daze along with the grocery bags he brought.

At the same damn time, the lower half of the watermelon shot backwards into Kid’s chest. He tried to dodge the projectile but was too slow, taking the full impact on his collarbones as he was thrown backwards into Wire’s side, both of them tumbled to the ground.

Red slush spurted all over the kitchen, drowning Killer and Kid in juice, and marginally squirting Heat. Wire’s skin was spared thanks to his trusty cloak.

Heat was screaming, “HANG IN THERE LITTLE FRENCH DUDE! WE’LL PAY YOUR HOSPITAL BILL!”

The video froze and then did a quick rewind to the watermelon exploding again, in slow motion. It stopped at the frame that had both Kid and Sanji being hit by the melon halves. The image came out of focus slightly as large text floated over the frame reading the word: FATALITY.

After a four-second silence, a new scene took place. Kid, Wire, and Heat were happily sucking watermelon slushies through straws, the filter on the video had a dramatic sepia overlay as a Sarah McLachlan song played softly. More text floated down the video: In loving memory of the little French chef. Right underneath the ‘in memoriam’ were the ingredients and a small summary of the slushie recipe that disappeared after 10 seconds.

As “In the Arms of an Angel” played, Sanji could be seen kicking the shit out of Killer in the background.

“Sometimes we can still hear him,” Wire said mournfully as the redhead and bluette nodded in agreement.

“I’M STILL HERE YOU JACKASSES!” Sanji barked at them.

End of video.

BONUS: End of credit clip

The four housemates had washed the melon pulp off them and changed into clean clothes. Now joined by Sanji, aka Little French Chef, who stood next to the quartet wearing a spare set of goggles and borrowed clothes. Watching in anticipation as Killer slid rubber band #169 over a small, round pumpkin.

The gourd seemed to tremble slightly as a new voice could be heard in the background, “Hey Cook! Luffy wants to know when—”

The pumpkin snapped clean in half, sending fiber, pulp, and seeds everywhere. While the quintet managed to avoid the expulsion, the green-haired newcomer was not so prepared as he stepped into the kitchen and into the camera’s focus.

“—WHAT THE HELL!” Zoro screamed, dropping to his knees clutching his left eye.

“How the fuck do you people keep getting into my house?!?” Kid snapped in annoyance, pushing Sanji’s wheezing frame away from him as the blonde fell to the floor once more, in hysterics this time.

Zoro grunted out, “Door was unlocked and I know you bastards keep the good booze stocked up. The least you can do is send me home with a few bottles after you took out my EYE!”

The video ended with a sepia filter still-frame of Zoro mid-scream and mid-fall, the same Sarah McLachlan song played from before. Text slowly floated on to the screen to read: In loving memory of Idiot Swordsman’s left eye.

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

40 notes · View notes

swampstew · 1 day

Text

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK - ᑕᕼᗩᑭTEᖇ 4

Special special special thank you to @basilisa-scorpii for beta reading; and thank you to my main squeeze @icy-spicy for dropping the best acronym I've ever heard in my life! If you're a fan of King of the Hill, you might find a familiar line🤭 And I cannot believe I actually forgot to include @quinloki who inspired Killer and Kid in swimsuits that sparked this chapter's theme - that insta reel is still in my bookmarks🤤🤤🤤

Killer directed and organized the tributes the crew had brought to his shared house with Kid, Wire and Heat. Today’s live stream was going to be a special one – the weather had finally gotten warmer for longer and their unused pool needed some TLC. So did Killer’s Summit E-470 propane powered grill.

His beloved cooking space.

Shaking his head excitedly, he finished typing up the recipe list he planned to pin on the live stream’s chat board. Everyone brought their own side dish, dessert, or drink specials. Killer only planned to show off cooking meat on the grill. That was easy enough to instruct on air compared to the delicious smorgasbord of food that was piling all over his kitchen.

Drooling at the overwhelming smells, he helped carry the food outside. Sneakily taking small bites out of the Hawaiian macaroni salad, watermelon feta salad, and a whole pollo asado taco, he began setting up the camera equipment.

“Alright is everyone set and comfortable? Starting the live stream in 5 minutes!”

The crew shouted out in acknowledgement before resuming their laid-back activities. A party’s a party after all.

Rocking the, quite frankly, sluttiest pair of low-rise swim trunks that really only served to cover his goods. They were blue of course. Killer pulled his hair into a high ponytail and waited on his housemates to bring out the meats and beer. A blue and white striped face mask was covering his lower face.

Kid brought out the steaks and burgers. He was wearing obnoxious yellow swim shorts that stopped at his lower thighs. In equally tacky theme, a cartoon rooster was displayed in the center of the shorts with dialogue off to the side. It read: Don’t stare at my cock.

God’s be damned, Killer wanted to beat him up.

Wire stepped out in a speedo that was entirely too natural looking on him, walking with grace that one wouldn’t have thought the tall man had at all. However, it wouldn’t be Wire if he wasn’t wearing some type of netting – a fishnet crop top covered his broad chest.

Heat, always copying inspired by Wire’s fashion sense, was also wearing a fishnet crop top in blue with matching swim trunks.

The assignment was simple –look ridiculously ripped, as possibly allowable without violating TikTok’s guidelines and terms of service. So far they were all in line with the rules, but as always the risk lied with Kid. Killer glared at the text on swimsuit and considered kicking the redhead in the dick for always acting like one.

Heat handed the grill master his apron: a simple blue cover with pockets, with a custom jolly roger embroidered in the center. The symbol resembled Killer’s mask with two scythes crossing behind it. A small chef’s hat hung off the skull’s head.

“Thanks Heat you did an amazing job!”

Going Live In…

3…2…1!

LIVE

“Hey everyone, KillerCook here with a special episode of Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer. Today, we’re having a pool party~ And every good pool party is composed of three important elements: food, drink, and fun. Drop a ‘hey!’ in the chat to all of our co-workers and friends!”

The i-pad was going off with all the pinging notifications from viewers trying to say hello. In the background, the crew began cheering and hollering, pushing each other into the pool and going back to their conversations as Killer dived back into his show.

“For drinks, we’re knocking back classic beers while we stand over this grill.” Killer slapped the hull of the steel frame. “This gas-powered baby can grill so much food but she’s also hot to handle. Propane may be a clean burning fuel, but she can also be a dirty girl. Which makes beer the perfect accompaniment to keep cool.”

Killer took a step back from the heated grill and began to put on his apron. The notifications were going WILD and he didn’t need to check them to know why. Sweat was already beaded on his body, running between the grooves of his tanned and toned muscles. Cheeky smirk hidden behind the thin, fabric mask, Killer tied the apron off and stuck a steel straw in the beer can. Expertly tucking the straw under his mask without disrupting the way it sat on his face, Killer took a refreshing sip.

“Saturdays are for the crew, don’t you agree, guys?”

His housemates whooped and cheered behind him and again the notifications went off as the men moved their positions to be seen more clearly. Lavishing the attention and sounds of microtransactions tipping them, they clashed their beer koozies together and flexed for the camera.

“Wire, please pin the recipe note to the chat board. Since everyone contributed a little something to this party, I made a digital recipe book for you all to enjoy our favorite foods! While I grill the meat, Heat and Wire will take you all to the table to show off our spread, you’ll get to see the people we see on a near daily basis, and maybe get a glimpse at how intense pool volleyball can get!”

“Hey Killer, can I read off a comment?”

“Hng, yeah go for it.”

Wire grinned, “404errorbrainnotfound asks, ‘Will you be showing off your meats, my good sir?’”

Alas, Killer was not wearing his helmet so his flush was visible to the camera. From cheeks to chest.

Kid stepped up.

“Oh yes, but not just his. I’ll be showing off mine, as will Wire and Heat. Lucky viewers today, ain’t that right, Kill?” He slapped Killer’s back forcefully.

“Yes, and since you’re so eager to talk about it, how about I turn it over to the reigning Boss of our enterprise, PunkNeverDied69?”

Kid gave Killer a confused look as he was pushed to camera center. Killer only walked away, turning his neck and face just enough to give him a ‘fuck around and find out’ look.

“’Kay. So.” He grinned, shaking it off. “Am I showing off the beef or sausage first? White or dark meat?”

The sound of notifications pinging aggravated Killer so he turned up the commercial-free summer playlist. Returning to his beloved grill, he exchanged his fabric mask for his helmet. So much for going casual, he thought .

“So now that you know our set up, it’s time to grill. The beef and chicken wings were pre-marinated, the hamburger meat has the seasonings worked in, the shrimps are-” he waved his hand at the platter of raw shrimp- “shrimping. I’ll be rotating out different items to cook as efficiently and quickly as possible. Don’t want the other food to spoil, and I definitely don’t want to stand in the heat longer than I need to. Heat, Wire, I’m handing it off to you now. Kid, grab me a piña colada.”

The camera view became rocky and shaky as everyone moved around. Finally, Heat turned it face forward so he could address the audience.

“Hey guys, look at this insane buffet! Comment which ones you wish you could be eating right now!”

Panning the camera at each dish for 10 seconds, Heat hovered over the table while Wire gave a brief summary of the dishes, their components, and his own taste review as he and Heat sampled the plates.

When they reached the crew, they were asked to vote on everyone’s favorite dish and/or drink.

“Whoever made the piña coladas is on one, mate! Shit’s STRONG!” House giggled.

“The bruschetta’s real tasty,” Dive said as she dived back into her plate of said snack.

“We really like this cheese and bean dip!” Bubblegum held out the bowl he was sharing with Pomp, U.K., Reck, Hop, and Moai; purple corn chips falling from their hands as they eagerly snacked on the appetizer.

Jaguar bounded to the camera with a plate of salmon ceviche, “Nu-uh, this is by far the best dish on the table!”

“Are you all high?! The tzatziki potato salad is the best dish no contest,” Boogie had his nose upturned at the others, who all in turn deadpanned him back.

“Who the FUCK brought JUST BEANS?!” Disc-J yelled from the table.

A small argument broke out over the real best dish at the table, which quickly grew violent as shoving commenced. It took Kid yelling profanities across the yard to settle the dispute.

Wounded egos were quickly forgotten as Hip came out carrying a platter of homemade popsicles and Compo brought out a deep pan of tres leches rum cake.

Out of piña colada mix, Gig swapped out the double barrel drink dispenser with two new flavors: peach daquiri slushie, and strawberry margarita on the rocks.

Heat panned the camera to Killer who was hard at work grilling shrimp, chicken, and hamburgers; he was happily swaying to the music and occasionally taking a sip from his beer bottle with a lime wedge inside. His back muscles tensed every time he flipped and swapped out food, his hip flexors tightened for every bump his waist made to the beat of the playlist.

“OI! LET’S BREAK THE VOLLEYBALL TIE FINALLY!” Papas smacked the water ball into the pool as Emma secured the net.

“FUCK YEAH, LET’S GO!” Kid cried out, taking a running leap and cannon balling into the pool.

Wire took over filming since he’d been legally barred from playing pool volleyball anymore. A story he teased the audience with but ultimately did not spill how or why.

Flipping the perspective from Killer’s grilling and gossiping to the quickly intensifying competitiveness of the volleyball game, Wire was having a hard time choosing a scene to focus the camera on: Killer’s hilarious quips of Kid’s top 10 blunders or rather filming Haikei spike the volleyball right into Oscar’s face.

Wire’s indecision was decided quickly as Killer’s excited shout grabbed his attention. The food was done! Calling Heat and Kid out of the pool, Killer began piling the last of the grilled veggies onto a separate platter. Noe and Mosh tagged in as the back-ups, got a STERN mini lecture about the pride of the team, and were pushed into the pool by Kid.

Killer sat the phone on the camera stand to finish off the live stream. With the help of his housemates, they held all the meat platters for the audience to see while Killer listed them off. Beef kebabs, cheeseburgers, loaded hotdogs, sweet and spicy ribs, Italian lamb chops, seven-spice pork chops, tri-tip with chimichurri, Hawaiian style ribeye, Harissa grilled chicken, grilled shrimp skewers, blackened shrimp, and grilled cauliflower steaks.

Kid, almost drooling eyed it all before a suspicious look came over his face, “Hey Kill, not that I’m complaining, but isn’t this a little too much food? We’re still not done with the dishes on the tables.”

“Hmmm, yes, I was wondering when you would notice that,” Killer mused. Tapping the phone’s screen so he could check the time, “Ah and they should be here in 3…2…”

“HEEEEEEYYYYYY KIIILLLLEEERRR!!! JAAAAAAAAAGGGGGYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY” A way too happy to be here sounding voice rang out off camera. Kid looked as if he got kicked in the balls.

“You invited THEM?” He hissed, a vein in his forehead threatened to burst.

Sanji called out, “I know you said not to bring too much so I only made pesto mozzarella chicken sliders, rotisserie chicken salad, crab cakes, and that creamy poolside pasta I know you like!”

“I brought tangerine creamsicle cake!” Nami smiled sweetly.

“I brought a barrel of tequila,” Zoro huffed, carrying the barrel over his shoulder as the Straw Hats came through the wooden fence gate that surrounded the property’s yard.

“And I brought COLA!” Franky whooped, following right behind Zoro.

“I didn’t bring anything because I assumed Sanji or Killer would ensure to provide enough for everyone,” Robin said shamelessly, pulling back her wide brim hat to send both men a wink.

Sanji and Killer sighed happily.

Killer, Heat and Wire worked quickly to make room and place for all the cooked dishes over the tables, sending Kid to bring more furniture to accommodate the additional meals. Kid was cursing the entire time as Luffy hung off his back, trying to hold his attention to tell him about his latest adventures. Finally grappling the little freak off him by yeeting him into the pool, Kid sought refuge behind Killer who was removing his apron as he started the sign off.

“I hope you all enjoyed the live stream today; I know I had a lot of fun. Gonna go ahead and end it here because I’m FAMISHED! Tune in next time when I whip up a fun summer dessert – lemon blueberry cheesecake. It’s easy to prepare and like everything else I make, slays. This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

He moved to turn the live stream off when he was distracted by Kid clearing his throat and backing away from him.

Kid smirked daringly at Killer before turning that cocky look to the camera, “Little self-promo here, you can find me at my new OnlyFans account, KillerCoc —AUGH!”

Killer tackled Kid into the pool before he could finish the sentence.

The camera fell off the stand as Heat tried to end the stream. The notifications were blaring frantically as comments poured in before he successfully closed the app and turned off the phone. Wire turned off the wi-fi for good measure too.

Bonus: The comment section

BarbzisthatGorl: WHAT DID HE SAY?! WHAT IS THE ONLYFANS?!?!?! WHAT IS HIS ONLYFANS PLEASE!!!!!!! KillerCook: His account was reported for spam and got locked down, sorry can’t help you! PunkNeverDied69: Judas😡

TheO-FaceisREAL: I would purposely drown to have PunkNeverDied69 give me CPR (Clenched Pussy Resuscitation). Scream_Maim_Fire: He would purposely let you drown too.

Smokkadakush: Heat, you looked great out there! What was your favorite dish from the table? FlamingHot420: Aww. I loved the grilled watermelon with tajin seasoning, thanks for asking!

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

41 notes · View notes

swampstew · 1 day

Text

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK - ᑕᕼᗩᑭTEᖇ 3

NEW ALERT – LIVE VIDEO: KillerCook ~ 420 joint sesh

You fumble to press play on your screen device. It’s your favorite time of the day! A new KillerCook upload. The sound of laughter fills your ears as you see KillerCook, PunkNeverDied69, Scream_Maim_Fire, and FlamingHot420 sitting on bean bags in the kitchen. They were passing around an item that was censored but the smoke in the air and the date was enough to determine what was happening. You sigh, you only wish you could share something that touched their lips.

“Hey guys, KillerCook and the Crew here for a new kind of format. We had some 420 friendly goodies pre-prepared for quality assurance review but uhhh… during our preliminary taste test we got overzealous and uhhh well now we’re baked! So instead, I’ll post the recipes real quick for you and pin them to the top. Then we’ll be reading aloud some questions you all have had and top comments that made us chuckle.”

The others laughed in the background, waving multiple bakes goods and censored items in the air. They all looked zoned out and relaxed. KillerCook was without his apron or hair net but he still looked damn good in his jeans and tight-fitting shirt. PunkNeverDied69 was wearing loose joggers and a half-cropped band shirt with ripped sleeves and safety pins tucked on the collar; you were absolutely not drooling in private as you ogled his bare abs. Scream_Maim_Fire was wearing a dark hoodie vest, showing off muscular arms, but his long legs remained a mystery hidden behind sweatpants. FlamingHot420 looked the most bake compared to all of them. His eyes were hazy and red, his face pretty flushed and his head sort of lolled in agreement even in the silent moments. He was cute looking in his basketball shorts and jersey, his gorgeous blue locks pulled backwards in a bun.

A ping on your phone goes off and you see that KillerCook posted the recipes to the message board. The first was a recipe for cannabutter. The same cannabutter that was listed in the THC cookie recipe – a recipe for cream filled mini-cookie sandwiches. You took screenshots of the recipes to try out for yourself later.

KillerCook presented to the camera a cold butter dish filled with an almost amber looking block of what you presumed was the cannabutter.

“It does smell a bit strong of TCH but just use a tight-seal cover and it won’t be an issue,” he explained.

Then he presented a platter of the aforementioned cream-filled mini-cookie sandwiches. The cookies themselves were cinnamon cream cheese and the frosting in the center was vanilla. Both infused with the cannabutter making it a higher dosage of edible than the typical standard.

“Anyways, Heat complained they weren’t hitting fast enough. Four cookies an hour and a half later and he was zonked out. He had two more cookies before we went live and now we have this,” KillerCook pointed to the blue haired man.

“Four now,” Heat giggled as he popped another cookie in his mouth.

“Jesus Christ man, don’t forget to drink water.”

KillerCook himself did not eat any cookies but he did smoke out of a hilariously long pipe. Like Gandalf the Grey once had.

“Puff puff, so sorry I can’t do my normal baking and flexing routing but we thought we could still enjoy the holiday for a little bit with your favorite fans. We’ll be opening the reward tiers to questions and comments for 10 minutes and the highly voted ones will be chosen to be read aloud. They can be addressed to anyone in this group. We won’t answer any highly inappropriate ones so don’t waste your coins on those – or do, I get paid either way!” He smoked and explained.

Kid finished his turn with the joint before taking over. “For now, we’re going to go through some questions we’ve received in the past that we want to answer. If a top message gets answered by any of these questions, another message has an opportunity gets chosen. Since today is a national holiday of which we highly enjoy partaking in, today’s live is only 30 minutes before we dip.”

Wire held out an index card, the side that faced the camera was a question mark. Must be a question.

“’Where are you guys from or where did you meet to create your crew?’ Well, we’re from Scotland, a long way from where we are now. We were tired of being considered a part of the Royal British Empire” Wire said in near disgust, “So we said fuck it, traveled around by ship for a few years doing trade and shit before we decided to steady our legs and start anew.” He popped a creamy cookie in his mouth.

Kid held up the next card, the icon facing the camera had an action bubble. “ThePigeonsAreSpies asks, ‘do you guys work out a lot or are you lot just genetically blessed with mass?’” He snorts at that. “We work out a lot. And play sports in our free time too. We’ve been known to enjoy football, rugby, hockey, shit basketball even. You get in what you put in when you work out. Want results? Do the fucking work.”

Heat picked the final index card after 10 minutes went by, “Final question! This is open to everyone. ‘Do you guys have any ‘special someones’ in your lives?’” Heat’s face flushed almost as red as his eyes were. “Uhhh that’s pretty personal, not sure how comfortable anyone wants to answer tha—”

“Single,” Killer, Kid and Wire immediately answered.

Heat sighed, “Single.”

A timer went off signaling time was up for the submissions and voting. Killer pulled out a separate Ipad and began scrolling through the message board as he smoked his pipe.

“M’kay got a couple of good ones here and I’m deleting the repeat ones now to get ‘em out of the way. Ok, I’ll lead this round of messages and then we’ll wrap it up. RippedBongGoBrrrrsays, ‘If you guys create a workout channel I’d subscribe to it. Or any meal prep plans/boxes you sell. I want to give you all my money.’” Killer chuckled as he smoked. “Appreciate the offer, we’ll put it in a box of ideas to explore later. Keep the ideas coming – we love easy work and fast money.”

Kid chewed on a cookie as he chose a message to read. “HopelessRomantic asks, ‘What would you consider a perfect date? Question open for all,’ For me, something lowkey and fun. Going to a bar or movie, maybe mini golf or some shit. Too many bullshit expectations put on a ‘first date,’ just go out and have fun for fucks sake.”

“For me I think a perfect date is eating at a good restaurant and then a follow up to unwind. I agree that first dates have too much pressure on them but I also want the opportunity to learn about my date and dinner is the perfect time to do that. Movie or something fun after is a great follow up,” Killer mused.

Heat perked up, “For me, I’d want to do something outside the box. Let’s go to a skate park or a beach bonfire for our first date. Something chill and laid back.”

Wire lifted his joint with a shrug, “Don’t really have a preference. If I get lucky at the end of the night, I’d call that a perfect ending.”

The group laughed and continued answering messages. At one point they took a bathroom break and Heat pulled out his guitar and sang a song. Something from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The minutes burned and you grip your phone tightly, wondering if they’d get to your message. You were surprised at the number of votes it got, but then again you did pay a hefty sum to boost your message for more people to see it. As the final minute ticked down—

“Alright we’re going to wrap this Live up with one more question. I’m going to pick at complete random by covering Kid’s face and letting his finger pick the message.”

Killer stood up and kneeled behind Kid, holding the screen in front of the redhead as he puffed his joint. A purple nail painted hand covered the beautiful amber eyes as Kid lolled his finger around in anticipation before jamming it down on the screen.

Killer sat back down in the beanbag and took another puff from his pipe before turning it upside down on the 420 organizer tray.

“The final message comes from WishUpon11:11 says, ‘I don’t offer much except adoration. You guys are so fucking cool and look so fun to hang out with. You seem to have a close friendship with each other and with your other crewmates and it makes me wish I could be a part of a group like that. I love you all and wish you nothing but continued success and happiness. If I can ask a question on my already long comment, can you tell us about that girl in the framed photo on the refrigerator?”

The men took on a somber look that replaced their relaxed and content faces from the initial praise. They all turned to look at the picture. From the camera stand it wasn’t a close angle but even from its placement you could clearly see a much younger Kid, Killer, and a young woman between them. The two friends exchanged a look before Kid gave a meek nod and took a long drag of his joint.

Sighing, “That was our close friend from childhood. She is no longer with us, having passed back in Scotland under an unfortunate circumstance. Part of the reason we left that place behind. We don’t like to talk about it and this isn’t the place for it either but I will say this – cherish the people closest to you. You never know how much time you have with someone.”

Kid gave a stiff nod and held out his joint, “To Victoria!” he barked.

“To Victoria,” the others lit up new joints and tilted them to the air before they all took a deep drag.

Killer clapped his hands, “On that note, it’s time to wrap this party up. Thanks for hanging out with us and sending us all your messages. This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

Live ended.

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

41 notes · View notes

swampstew · 1 day

Text

KIᒪᒪEᖇᑕOOK - ᑕᕼᗩᑭTEᖇ 2

Going Live in 3…2…1…

“What’s up everyone, Killer here. Today we’re going to be making a delicious Tiramisu that I like to eat whenever I’m having a hard time. My friend and coworker Quincy has been having some bad luck lately so I’m making one for her.”

The live chat was already spitting out messages more than Killer could read them. Most of them asking if he could send them baked goods for bad days too. He chuckled softly under his helmet, pulling his hair back into a low ponytail to avoid it going into the baking process. The fabric of his polyester blend muscle shirt stretched to accommodate Killer’s muscles without riding up his stomach and revealing his tight abdominals…too much. His jogger pants hugged his hips, perfectly framing his glutes and thighs.

“I can’t possibly make a dessert for every single person but take comfort in knowing that I’m rooting for you through your personal struggles. You got this,” pointing finger guns at the camera.

Turning around, he walked away to grab some ingredients and baking tools. The sound of pinging and comments going wildly in the background, a tad louder than the music on the speaker.

“This is a refreshing and savory dessert. I always feel like I’m biting into an espresso cloud and suddenly I’m a little bit happier, if only for a brief moment.”

Pulling out one mixing bowl, “First, we’re going to make our creamy filling. I’ll be using room-temperature mascarpone, cream, sugar, and vanilla extract. We’ll whip it until it gets nice and stiff. In between the whipping, I’ll also be dipping these lady fingers in this bowl of liquids – now I like to soak the fingers for about a minute to really soak in the espresso and liqueur. Makes the whole dessert just gush in your mouth.”

Killer was prepping the glass pan he was going to stack the layers in and he heard the transactions and notifications chime endlessly. What the hell was going on in chat today. He finished prepping the tools and ingredients before rushing to his phone to read everything.

Oh shit.

Oh fucking shit.

Killer did not mean to make any of his instruction sound as sexual as chat had perceived it to be. Oh no, the things he can’t unread. The blonde was incredibly grateful he kept his helmet on during all content creation, feeling his face break out in flushed flames. The echoing sounds of Kid and Wire’s cackling from inside the house only made it worse for Killer.

God damnit.

“Hng, er-uhm, as I was saying, once we get the…base ingredients prepared, we can get into some architecture. I think a good balance is about uh—2 to 3 inches of filling between biscuit layers, depending on how…erm…bloated the biscuit has become.”

As he loudly poured ingredients into the stainless-steel bowl, he quickly and quietly addressed the highlighted messages, not daring to repeat his answers before starting up the rotator blade. The machine Killer bought was a high-end model, it was a good quality standing mixer with a low humming drone when in use. Killer treated it as if it was a roaring engine.

“IT’S GETTING NOISY SO I’M GOING TO TURN UP THE MUSIC TO DROWN IT OUT. WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE MESSAGES FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES,” he spoke loudly as he used the remote to turn the speaker up.

Killer’s mouth was dry. He rushed to the fridge to pull out ice cubes for his water, plunking a swirly straw in the glass and draining his cup in seconds. Three times.

Feeling relieved, he made his way back to the island tabletop. He started soaking the lady fingers in the bowl and slowly layering the glass pan bottom with a row of soaked fingers. Once the bottom was covered, he checked the mixer. The creamy filling was looking stiff. Turning the machine off, Killer also lowered the volume of the speaker.

“You’ll see that the texture is ready when you can raise the blade and the filling is light, fluffy yet firm. You should be able to hold the blade upside down without the peaks falling or losing integrity. Now to make my life easier, I’m going to transfer this into a piping bag to fill the layers and then smooth it out before adding the next layer of lady fingers.”

Killer started to read out messages as he filled and stacked.

“_LickMeImurLollipop says,” he almost chokes, “’Marry me and I’ll make you a stay-at-home husband. You can bake to your heart’s content, filling doughnuts and whatever you want with your cream😏.’”

He took a long sip of water, “That’s a very tempting offer, Lollipop. I’ll keep it in my back pocket for a rainy day, ok sweetie?”

Using a flat blade to smooth the creamy layer, “JustAsking says or I guess asks, ‘Will you ever do a face reveal?’ The answer to that, as its been every time since my first upload, is NO. Please respect my boundaries, I’m a human being.”

“SchoolPunkRock says, ‘Been watching you since day 1 and I love your personality and attitude. And also your food. If you ever make a cookbook, I’d buy it in a heartbeat. I’d buy 10 copies.’ That’s really nice, thank you. That’s not something I’ve thought about but a great idea, nonetheless. I might explore that later. In the meantime, please keep supporting me on this platform by liking, commenting, and following!”

Killer squeezed the last of the filling over the lady fingers and started smoothing the surface. His finger curled under the table to press Kid’s call button. The redhead came through the door as Killer finished dusting a layer of cocoa powder over the dessert.

“Excellent timing! Now normally you’d want to let this sit in the fridge for an hour to let the flavors sort of sit there and blend together for a nice balance. Tiramisu is great at any time of the day,” Killer cut a square from the glass pan and slid it over on a small plate with a fork. Killer turned to put the pan in the fridge for later.

Kid was grinning into the camera, “’Sup everyone. Hope you enjoyed my buddy’s lesson today. In addition to potential book deals, KillerCook may soon be offering private cooking lessons over Vimeo, just you and him for up to an hour discussing…cooking or whatever,” his grin turned sly.

Killer choked in the fridge.

“All details to be forthcoming!” Kid finished with a wave of his hand over his shoulder.

Then with precise and exaggerated motions, Kid began a slow descent to pick up his plate and fork. His own gym shirt strained over his broad chest, muscles rippling underneath as he moved. Holding his plate in the air, arms flexing tightly as he used his prosthetic to lift the fork to his mouth, he winked at the camera before taking a bite.

As soon as he closed his mouth, a very thin line of dark liquid dribbled from between his lips. Kid’s eyes opened in shocked as he chewed.

“Whoa, that’s juicy!”

The pinging on the phone was going wild again. Killer quickly stood next to Kid before the knucklehead dared to answer a single message.

“What else?”

“Mmm shit Kill this is fucking great. The coffee and liqueur have that nice, bitter kick to the sweetness of the cream. The filling itself is fluffy but thick and flavorful. The balance between bitter and sweet is perfect man.”

“A perfect balance between bitter and sweet, what more can you ask for? With that in mind, we’ll be taking the Tiramisu I made first thing this morning to our friend. Tune in next time when I make a fun comfort food that’s also perfect for a sports ball pregame and/or tailgate – Philly Cheesesteak Dip. It’s easy to prepare and like everything else I make, slays. This has been Faffaffaffa-Food with Killer.”

Before Killer could turn the camera off, Wire and Heat burst through the kitchen doors. Heat opened the fridge to grab the insulated travel pack that contained the pre-made tiramisu, hoisting it over his head in triumph.

The 4 men stared into the camera while waving goodbye.

“See ya soon Quincy!”

“QUINCCAAAYY!!”

“You better be resting and not doing shit!!”

“Hope you like it, Quincy!”

End Livestream.

“Really, a fucking private Vimeo class?” Killer whipped his baking gear off and tossed the dirty dishes in the sink.

The three other men began howling with laughter.

“AYE! You shoulda seen the comments dude! You can really capitalize on this, whole frontier’s unexplored,” Kid explained through his tears of laughter.

Killer clicked his tongue, “Nooooooo, you’re not going to live vicariously through me because your OnlyFans account got shut down again.”

Bonus: The comment section

GaybellineNY347: In theory, if one wanted to send you money in exchange for…photos of you with your finished desserts, how much would you charge? Not that the photos you post aren’t tasteful😳 They can be tastier with…you…in them👉👈 KillerCook: Uh well, I kind of want to keep the focus on my food…good to know though😳

VoidEssence: Who was the tall glass of water?👅💦 Scream_Maim_Fire: His name is out of your area code.

ShootingMyShot_89: Sooooo the vimeo deets???????????? PunkNeverDied69: I said FORTHCOMING! It’s COMING on the FORTH!

Read on Wattpad | Read on AO3

45 notes · View notes