#//'st jude [...] i hope your causes burn' (jude's hand is in two places to show movement- nearing the flame and then snatching back; burnt)

[birdiethebibliophile]

{fic} let loss reveal it

Fandom:  Critical Role (Wildemount Campaign) Rating:  T Warnings: Discussion of death, major character death Characters:  Caleb Widogast, Nott the Brave, Keg, Beauregard Word Count:  1,912

Here on AO3.

MAJOR SPOILERS for episode 26. I’m tagging it, but putting it here too. This isn’t exactly a fix-it fic, but it’s not dark. I can’t write anything without hope.

Title from the Florence + the Machine song St Jude.

Summary:  

People deal with grief in different ways. Everything falls apart, but nothing is ever lost.

__________________

They didn’t move, for a while.

They didn’t move as the sound of the wagons faded into the distance. They didn’t move as it started snowing lightly.

They didn’t move as the still form of Mollymauk Tealeaf was slowly dusted with white.

It was Beau who moved first. She stood, and even from a distance, the others could see that she was shaking violently, bare arms wrapped around herself in a futile effort to still the movement. “Molly, you fucker, get up,” she choked out.

“Beauregard…” Caleb said softly from where he was huddled in a growing snowdrift. “He won’t wake.”

“Fuck that.” Beau stumbled over to Molly’s body, collapsing back to her knees like they couldn’t support her anymore. “C’mon, Molly. C’mon, you bastard, you don’t just get to leave, get your purple ass out of the snow and help us –” Her words were cut off with a harsh sob from the back of her throat.

“I shoulda known better,” Keg said, eyes shadowed. “We were never gonna win. There was no way all of us were walkin’ out of there alive.”

“Then why didn’t you fucking tell us that, asshole?” Beau snarled.

“’Cause you all were so fuckin’ hopeful, that’s why!” Keg bit out. Her hand flexed on her axe, gripping it white-knuckled and then going limp in turns. “’Cause I got to thinking that maybe we could actually do this thing. I – I didn’t realize… the group’d changed since I was with ‘em.” Her head dropped slightly. “And then I froze. I saw Lorenzo, and I just… fuckin’ froze. What happened to your friend is my fault.”

Nott crept towards hero on all fours, looking more bestial than usual, her yellow eyes still drowning slitted pupils. “It’s no one’s fault,” she said, her creaking voice soft. “Molly… he… he knew what he was doing. He wouldn’t want us blaming ourselves. Not even you, Keg.”

Keg’s gaze lifted slightly as Nott set a gentle, clawed hand on her leg. “Thanks,” she rasped. “I don’t deserve it. But thanks.”

Caleb stood now, picking himself up out of the snow and brushing his coat off, automatically patting the sides to make sure his books were still in their holsters. “We cannot sit here forever,” he said, and though his voice was distant, it was clear. “More snow is coming. We have to…” His voice faltered. “I do not think any of us could go far without a long rest. But we should at least build a fire, ah, be sheltered.”

“But what about Molly?” Nott asked, her voice quivering. “Do we…” She twitched, her ears flicking back like a swatted cat. “Do we bury him?”

Caleb looked towards her. “No,” he said, and there was ice in his eyes. “No, my friend. All is not lost.”

“How isn’t it?” Beau snapped. “He’s dead, Caleb.”

“You think there is no coming back from death?” Caleb asked. “Especially for one such as him? He has already cheated Her once. We may not have Jester with us, but as long as – as long as we make sure he has a body to come back to…” He faltered again for a moment, his eyes flicking away from the crumpled form in the snow. “There are ways,” he resumed. His jaw set, and Nott recognized the look he got whenever he talked about growing powerful enough to shape reality. “There is magic in this world. I do not know about the rest of you, but I am not about to let Mollymauk go without a fight.”

Slowly, Nott’s ears lifted. “You really think… we could bring him back?”

“I do not doubt it, my friend.” With a steady stride, Caleb walked to Molly’s side. He crouched down beside him, sliding gentle fingers to close his blank red eyes, their embers gone. “Wait here,” he instructed the other three.

“Ain’t got nothing else to do,” Keg said.

Beau nodded, then swayed, crumpling from her kneeling position.

“Whoa, whoa,” Caleb said, grabbing her as she collapsed. “Oh, ah, fire first, then. We do not want you dying as well, Beauregard.”

“’M fine,” Beau mumbled, but sagged against Caleb.

“Nott?” Caleb said. “Can you and Keg build a fire? Beauregard is not going to last long unless she gets warm. Also, she has a cloak in one of our packs. Get that out, please.”

Nott nodded, immediately skittering over to where their packs were stowed and retrieving Beau’s cloak and a tinderbox. “There isn’t much in the way of wood around,” she said nervously.

“We must make do,” Caleb said, sitting down and pulling Beau into his arms. “Stay awake, Beauregard,” he said softly, uncertainly rubbing his hands down her bare, shivering arms. “It will all be fine. We have a pact, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Beau muttered, but curled tightly into Caleb’s arms.

Keg stood up, hefting her axe. “Well, looks like we have some wood right here,” she said, and brought her axe down on one of the tree trunks. She did it again, and again, until they could hear her huffs of exertion and she had a pile of wood in reasonable-sized pieces.

“I can get the fire started,” Nott said, brushing her arm over the ground to clear a patch of snow.

Within a few minutes, there was a steadily burning fire, and Caleb tugged Beau to it as much as he could. “There,” he said, taking the cloak Nott handed him and wrapping it around Beau’s shoulders. “That is better, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, sure.” Beau closed her eyes and sighed.

“Nott?” Caleb requested softly. “Would you, ah, go get my silver thread?”

“Yeah, sure, Caleb,” Nott said, darting off into the grey of the snow.

Keg plopped down next to the fire. “You really think you can get your friend back?” she grunted, resting her forearms on bent knees.

“I do not think,” Caleb said. “I know. Mollymauk was –” He broke off, and for the first time, his calm exterior cracked, showing a hint of devastation. “Mollymauk Tealeaf is one of the bravest people I have ever met. But more than that, he… is the happiest.

“I am not a happy person, Keg,” he said, shifting Beau in his arms. She was still shivering, but less so, and it appeared she’d fallen asleep – the deep sleep of the truly exhausted. “I do not know if you have noticed in the short time we have known each other. I do not say this as a good thing or a bad thing; it is the truth.” With a motion of his hand, he summoned Frumpkin, and the owl soared down, settling down on his shoulder and fluffing out his feathers.

“He seemed like a good guy,” Keg agreed.

“Good,” Caleb mused. “That is one word for it. Mollymauk… he has so much joy in him. It is unlike anything I have seen before. Even Jester –” He broke off again. “She is one of the ones who was taken. She is happy, and good, but she has sadness in her heart. Mollymauk’s heart is all light.”

“Not sure what you mean.”

“It is like… to be around him, it is like standing in the sun,” Caleb said softly, his fingers finding Beau’s hair and petting it like he would do to cat-Frumpkin’s fur. “He gives away smiles and coins like they mean nothing. They do not. Not to him.” He sighed. “He gave away his life similarly. Without thought. Without hesitation.”

Keg studied him, an inscrutable look on her face. “Sounds like he’s real special to you.”

Caleb laughed, half-nervously and half-scornfully. “Not in the way you think. It is not that I… hmm.” He glanced over to Molly’s body, then back. “Mollymauk is a very special person to me, ja,” he said at last. “I do not want this to be the last I see of him. The three of us… Beauregard and Nott and I… we cannot do this on our own. We are all… dark people.”

“You don’t seem so dark,” Keg objected.

When Caleb laughed this time, it was undeniably bitter. “Oh, you would be surprised,” he said, and the flames flickered in his ice-blue eyes. “I have done unspeakable things. Unforgivable things. Probably worse things than your friends.”

“Don’t call them that.”

Caleb lifted his eyes slightly at the sudden venom in her voice. “I apologize,” he said. “I am only saying… ach. Mollymauk is the best one of us. He is… our moral compass. He makes sure we stay on the right path. Beauregard and I, we try to keep each other, ah, straight, but it is hard when there are two people so similar.”

“You and Beau don’t seem similar to me at all,” Keg objected.

Caleb’s brow furrowed. “I know. And yet, I find a strange… kinship with her,” he said slowly. “We, perhaps, have the same view of the world. Seeing it as the fucked-up place it is. Mollymauk… does not. Not to say,” he added, “that Mollymauk is foolish. He is not. But he can see the joy in the world in a way the three of us do not. He… keeps us afloat, so to speak.”

“I found your thread, Caleb,” Nott said softly, creeping forward and holding it out to him before sitting down beside him.

“Oh, thank you, Nott,” Caleb said with a twitch of his head. “Here. Take Beauregard for me.”

“Ah – ooh, okay,” Nott said doubtfully as Caleb shifted Beau off him and onto the ground, her head half in Nott’s lap. “If you say so.”

“I need to do something,” Caleb explained. He got up and went over to Molly’s body. Slowly, methodically, he unwound his silver thread, and, murmuring a few words in Zemnian, started threading it around Molly’s body.

It was almost mesmerizing in the firelight. The silver thread shimmered slightly in the air, and the orange light caught the bright colors of Molly’s coat, stained red.

Finally, Caleb completed his spell and stepped back. “That should keep him safe for the night,” he said, tucking the spool into an inside pocket of his coat. “Tomorrow, we will go on towards Shady Creek Run. There must be someone there who will know the spells that will bring him back.”

“But, Caleb, aren’t those spells expensive?” Nott asked.

“We will do what needs to be done,” Caleb said. “We have things to sell. We have performed tasks before. We can offer services, goods. Whatever they want. Whatever they need.”

“And if it doesn’t work?” Keg asked gruffly. “If you can’t find someone, or his soul’s gone, or somethin’ like that?”

“We will burn that bridge when we come to it,” Caleb said, sitting down by the fire again, drawing his coat closer around him against the cold. “I trust the arcane talents of others. I trust our ingenuity in finding ways to con people into helping us.” He sighed. “And I trust Mollymauk Tealeaf,” he finished. “I trust that he loves life too much to leave it so soon.”

“For your sake, I hope you’re right,” Keg said. “I’ll, uh… I’ll take first watch. Least I can do.”

Caleb nodded his gratitude, lying down and scooting in close to Beau and Nott to retain as much warmth as possible. “Thank you, Keg.”

The ghost of a smile that flickered across Keg’s world-weary face would have brought a bright, fanged grin to Mollymauk’s, Caleb thought before he drifted to sleep.

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