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#<- trying to jinx my naturally contrarian ass into taking care of myself for once
anaalnathrakhs
ยท
2 months
Text
i WILL show up to the trial day for the preparatory class tomorrow no matter how much i dont want to and after that i guarantee NOTHING
#broadcasting my misery
#vent
#this is a lie i guarantee i will keep tumbling through life appearing functional and melting down in the privacy of my own home afterwards
#<- trying to jinx my naturally contrarian ass into taking care of myself for once
#god i'm tired
#i am. slightly peeved.
#around 11am i was like ''i think i'm going to go home'' and my friend was like WHAT nooooooo what are you going to do at home anyway
#and we ended up hanging out w another friend until fucking 4pm
#and she was like oooooh guys i think i'm gonna go else i wont have energy tomorrow
#haha bitch where was this mindset when i told you i was going to go home
#i don't know why i keep like. telling people stuff like ''i'm [emotion] i'm going to [thing]''
#and they just plan stuff w me anyway
#and like. i can't decide for them what's important or not to them. so i make an effort and i participate to the best of my ability.
#but it KEEPS HAPPENING
#OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
#it does not stop
#i can barely keep the violent impulses down tbh i act like im on crack in public
#bc if i dont walk around and spasm like an epileptic stray cat im gonna start giving in to the urge to dive under a bus or punch someone
#i have nearly uncontrollable fits of hitting my head against walls when my entire life i was too chicken to do it despite trying to
#i gained about fifteen to twenty fucking kilograms in the last three months
#because i cannot fucking stop binging and EVERYBODY'S LIFE seems to revolve around food
#my friends are incapable of hanging out without going to buy smth no matter at which time we get out of school
#my other friends seem incapable of not checking calories VERY LOUDLY and calculating how much they lost walking around
#my mom and i are home and awake at the same time abt two hours a day and one and a half of that is spent making/eating dinner lmao
#im making the effort holy shit i am but i'm going to start being violent soon
#i've started trying to strangle my cat twice in the past week i think
#i'll show up tomorrow bc it's an opportunity and im not stupid enough to miss that by lack of self esteem
#but really what is it good for
#my friend isnt very delicate in her way to say it but she's right. i'm not cut out for being normal like that
#i can sorta seem functional but you very quickly start seeing i don't know how to dress
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