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one-of-us-blog · 6 years

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A View to a Kill (1985)

Today Drew is forced to watch and recap 1985’s A View to a Kill, the fourteenth James Bond adventure. Bond is tasked with finding out how the KGB is getting its dirty Soviet hands on special microchips, but along the way gets tangled in a plot involving bombs, horses and eugenics. Can 007 survive his latest assignment, or will be blown out of the water?

Keep reading to find out…

Eli, I’m so sorry this recap is coming so late! I’ve had a lot on my plate right now; if I’m not tromping through Louisiana alongside one of my newest favorite superheroes, the Swamp Thing, then I’m flying through the cosmos with the characters of one of my newest favorite books, Leviathan Wakes, or examining the highs and lows of humanity alongside Rod Serling as we traverse that mysterious realm known as The Twilight Zone. Needless to say, I’ve been a real busy bee these last few days! But I’ve been so busy enjoying all of the fantastic content we’re discussing in OneLimited that I’ve failed to appreciate all of the fantastic content being generated by you right here on One of Us! I’m loving your take on The Golden Palace, and I totally agree with your assessment of this series’ take on Miles. Why’d they have to do my boy Nick Carbone dirty like that? By the way, did you hear that Nintendo had enough money to finally get Snake back in Super Smash Bros., but they didn’t have enough left in the budget to get his juicy posterior to make a cameo? It’s a whole thing, but I know you’re not really big on keeping up to date on Nintendo news so I’ll move on. You’re doing great work, Chief, and I’m going to make a real effort to get back on track with my James Bond recaps (especially since I have a little something extra planned for the next month or so)! Without further ado, let’s get into it!

Buttocks tight!

Screenplay by Michael G. Wilson & Richard Maibaum, film directed by John Glen

We start off with a disclaimer that no characters or companies portrayed in this movie are based on real people, which is always a fun way to set the mood. After a barrel shot, we head to the snowy Siberia where James Bond is digging the body of 003 out of the snow. Man, first 009 ate it in Berlin, now 003 is out for the count, too! The 00’s are dropping like flies lately! Bond retrieves a microchip off his fallen comrade, and then it’s time for a good old fashioned ski chase. This franchise absolutely loves showing us people chasing each other around on skis! Like, a lot. Bond decides to switch things up by snowboarding while… Is that The Beach Boys playing? Oh darlin’, strap in, folks. Bond blows up a Soviet helicopter and finishes up his snow surfin’ safari in time to hitch a ride on an MI6 sub disguised as a glacier. A beautiful young woman is piloting the sub, and Bond happens to have some caviar and vodka on him so it’s safe to assume they bang for five days straight honkin’ down the highway on that long promised road toward home.

We cut to our blacklight-drenched title sequence while Duran Duran croons “A View to a Kill”. I can hear music, but I’m so distracted by these trippy visuals that it’s hard for me to focus on it! It’s O.K., I can always look the song up later. I guess that’s why God made the radio, right?

With the title sequence behind us, Bond arrives at MI6 where he’s greeted by the eternal Miss Moneypenny who’s dressed to the nines and looks like she’s ready for some hot fun in the summertime. There’s no time for California dreamin’ right now, though, as M calls Bond right into his office. Bond is greeted by Q, the man with all the toys himself, who’s busy playing with his new pet robot. Man, I don’t know if I’m still recovering from the season finale of Westworld or I’m flashing back to Rocky IV but I don’t trust that robot as far as I could throw it (which, admittedly, would probably be pretty far since it’s so little). Q boasts about his little problem child before M tells him to get down to business. Q mansplains how microchips work and explains that the chip Bond got off 003’s corpse is impervious to the sort of tech that would take out most modern computers. Seems like the KGB is gettin’ hungry for that kind of tactical advantage, because they’ve managed to get their hands on some super chips, too. M explains that the plant producing the chips was recently bought by Zorin Industries. MI6 couldn’t find a leak in the plant, so Bond assumes Zorin himself must have given the chip to the Reds. Zorin is an influential dude with a big male ego so Bond will have to tread carefully while investigating him.

We cut to Bond, Q and Moneypenny taking in a race at the Ascot Racecourse and enjoying the warmth of the sun. Or, at least, they would be, if Bond wasn’t busy scoping out Max Zorin (Christopher Walken) and his immaculately-dressed bodyguard, May Day (the incomparable Grace Jones herself), while Q and Moneypenny get absolutely fuckin’ jazzed about the horserace. Zorin’s horse wins the race, but Bond suspects the horse is juicing. May Day singlehandedly reigns in the horse with her super-human strength when the horse gets out of line, and Bond scurries off to sort of do some spy work.

Bond meets up with a dude who’s ready to spill the tea about Zorin juicing his horses and the two take in an honestly inexplicable show involving a lady and some fake butterflies. Thanks to some good timin’ the snitch is killed before Bond gets the intel he’s after, and even though he gives chase the assassin (who’s obviously May Day) manages to slip on through his fingers by base jumping off of the Eiffel Tower like the goddess she is. Bond chases after her as she soars through the skies, giving us one of our more bonkers car chases in the franchises herstory, but Zorin picks her up in a speedboat the two leave Bond in their dust while having an absolute blast.

Bond meets up with M and decides to crash a horse sale Zorin is having at his palatial estate. Bond and Zorin meet, and Bond decides it’s a good time to let Zorin know he knows he was behind that guy getting killed at the butterfly show. Why keep a low profile, right? Bond’s ready to do it again so he makes a move on a lady at Zorin’s party, but May Day swoops in to cock block him. Here comes the night and that means it’s time for Bond to snoop around in Zorin’s stables. He finds a hidden lab and gets proof that Zorin is doping his horses to make them run faster. What does this have to do with the whole secret microchip thing? God only knows. Zorin’s people figure out Bond’s snooping around so he has to make a hasty retreat. Zorin and May Day are wrestling around and on the verge of banging when they’re interrupted by the intruder alert. Zorin instantly suspects Bond, since Bond went out of his way to be suspicious earlier and all, and May Day suddenly remembers that he was the man who chased her off the Eiffel Tower. They race to Bond’s room and find it empty. May Day heads to her room to get dressed in her fiercest spy killing outfit, only to find Bond, who knew he couldn’t make it back to his own room and had to improvise, waiting for her in her own bed. Zorin gets a kick out of this and gives May Day the okay to cuddle up. Hold on dear brother, you’ve never had a night like this before.

There are no tears in the morning as Zorin calls Bond into his office to bullshit each other about buying horses. Zorin uses his computer to identify Bond and arranges for him to go on a test drive with a doped-up horse. Zorin leads Bond through a boobytrapped obstacle course and flips the switch to activate the horse’s stimulant and let him run wild. None of that really mattered, though, because Bond survives and Zorin just pulls a gun on him, knocks him out and has May Day push the car he’s in into a lake. Bond manages to stay underwater by breathing air from the car’s tire long enough to make Zorin and May Day think he’s dead.

Zorin gets in trouble with the KGB for killing 007 without permission. Turns out the KGB engineered Zorin in a lab and they think they own him, but he lets them know in no uncertain terms that he’s gone rogue. Soon after, Zorin meets with a group of executives and lays out his plan to become the world’s leading microchip developer by flooding Silicon Valley. One of the executives gets cold feet, so May Day throws him out of the zeppelin they’re in. Did I mention they’re in a zeppelin? They’re totally in a zeppelin. Anyway, Bond knows Zorin’s in San Francisco and heads there to meet with his CIA contact Chuck Lee (David Yip), who informs him that Zorin is the result of the experiments of a Nazi scientist.

Bond heads to an oil rig where he catches spots KGB operative Pola Ivanova (Fiona Fullerton) trying to kill Zorin by planting some explosives. Her plan fails and she barely manages to escape, running right into Bond afterward. Bond and Ivanova have run into each other before and Bond can never learn not to love so of course the two end up naked in a hot tub together. Ivanova tries to sneak out while Bond’s in the shower, but he’d already swapped out the tape she’d made while spying on Zorin so he’s able to listen in on Zorin’s plans. Bond later recognizes the woman May Day prevented him from banging and finds out she’s Stacey Sutton (Tanya Roberts), a geologist and the daughter of an oil tycoon whose company Zorin is attempting to buy. It’s about time for some action, so some of Zorin’s goons attempt to attack Sutton shortly after Bond broke into her house. Bond and Sutton manage to fight off the goons and later share a quiche and some wine. Sutton explains she’s trying to keep her family’s company out of Zorin’s hands, but you need a mess of help to stand alone against someone as rich as Zorin and she’s had a hard time with it.

Thanks to Sutton’s knowledge of geology Bond figures out that Zorin is planning to blow up some faults. Chuck’s ready to let Washington know something is afoot but he’s too nice for this game of heroes and villains and he’s killed by May Day before he can let his bosses know what’s up. Bond and Sutton head to City Hall to look at some plans or something, I don’t know, and they figure out this is all tied to a silver mine Zorin owns. Zorin and May Day arrive in person, drag Bond and Sutton up to the office of the chief geologist. Zorin has the chief call the cops to report a break in, then kills him with Bond’s gun to frame Bond. They then have Bond and Sutton stuck in an elevator and start a fire to kill them. Zorin is nothing if not dramatic!

Bond and Sutton escape the fire, of course, but the San Francisco cops think Bond’s a murderer (which is not untrue) so he and Sutton have to flee in a firetruck filled with cool, cool water. After some goofy firetruck antics Bond and Sutton manage to get away and head for the silver mine. Inside, Sutton finds a handy map that allows her to figure out Zorin’s plan. He’s going to blow up some lakes above the Hayward and San Andreas faults which will cause the faults to flood. Zorin can’t get enough of those good vibrations, though, so once the faults are flooded he’s going to set off another bomb which will cause both faults to move at once and flood Silicon Valley.

Zorin and May Day discover Bond and Sutton, and they barely manage to escape as Zorin orders the mine’s entrance be sealed. May Day chases after Bond and Sutton while Zorin flips the switch to flood the mine, killing many of his own goons and leaving May Day to die. Zorin mows down any surviving workers with a machine gun, because he’s just a real sumbitch. Sutton and Bond get separated, with Sutton making to the surface while Bond and May Day are stuck together in the flooded mine. May Day’s pissed at Zorin’s betrayal, and she’s down with Bond’s plan to wipe out Zorin. First things first, they’ve got to stop the second bomb from going off and flooding Silicon Valley.

It takes all of May Day’s goddess strength, but she’s able to haul both Bond and the bomb out of its hole. They set the bomb on a cart and try to wheel it out of the mine, but the brake sticks and May Day has to manually keep the cart going. Bond tells her to save herself, but she believes in love again and she’s such a hero that she’s willing to die to stop Zorin’s plot. She rides the cart outside just as the bomb blows up, killing her.

Boo! Booooo!! Boooooooo!!!

Zorin swoops down to drag Sutton onto his zeppelin. Bond grabs a rope and Zorin tries to kill him by ramming him into the Golden Gate Bridge, but Bond manages to tangle the rope in the bridge’s cables. Sutton wrastles with Zorin while he’s trying to get his zeppelin in order, giving Bond time to reach her. Bond and Zorin fight on the bridge, and Bond sends Zorin falling to his death. Zorin’s Nazi doctor tries to blow Bond up with some dynamite, but only ends up blowing up the zeppelin.

Afterward, the KGB gives Bond an award, but it turns out MI6 thinks Bond is dead. Luckily Q is a massive pervert and he sends his awful little robot into Sutton’s home, where he spies on Bond and Sutton fucking in the shower. Q lets MI6 know Bond’s alive, and Bond throws a towel over the robot before Q has time to rub one out.

Sail on, sailor.

The End

~~~~~

Jeez louise, that was a really wild ride! This movie was really all over the place, but, to be honest, I loved it. I mean, Christopher Walken? The immortal Grace Jones? This level of camp and goofiness? There was basically no way I wasn’t going to love this movie. Is it a hard hitting spy drama? Absolutely not. Is it a whole lot of fun? To quote Sutton: “You betcha.” There was absolutely no reason for that horse juicing subplot or any of that stuff about Zorin being a KGB experiment gone rogue, but, I mean, what the hell, right? If you’re going to goofy, go goofy as hell. My one major complaint is that May Day deserved a hell of a lot better than she got. I know Bond was supposed to end up with Sutton, but May Day will always be this film’s true Bond Girl in my eyes.

I give A View to a Kill QQQQ on the Five Q Scale.

Check back in soon to catch Eli’s next round of The Golden Palace recaps as he covers “One Old Lady to Go” and “Ebbtide for the Defense”, and after that I’ll be back to cover the next James Bond film, The Living Daylights.

Until then, as always, thank you for reading, thank you for having fun, fun, fun and thank you for being One of Us!

#007 #james bond #One of us

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