#(her dad and her brother are also suspected to be on the spectrum but they've never been tested)

[jankwritten]

hm.

#maybe it's time i put some actualy thought into the possibility that i'm autistic #because the more i read about it #the more it becomes very clear that every facet of my mental disorders could. very easily stem from autism in some way shape or form #my anxiety #my social anxiety specifically #my thing about specific noises and foods as sensory related issues #the way that burnout affects me and also the way that I can't verbalise how things are specifically in my brain #a lot of my other attributes like my gender/sexuality also align with more autistic behaviors but that's obviously not a telltale sign #aroace nonbinary people are not all automatically autistic #i always go in circles with myself about this because my brother has an autism diagnosis #or at least he has been tested and been given a 'very likely' kind of answer #but my mom has ADHD #(her dad and her brother are also suspected to be on the spectrum but they've never been tested) #but every time I bring up the possibility of me being autistic with ANYONE outside of my friends it immediatley gets shut down #idk how to feel about it anymore #but me being autistic would explain so much? but also i don't want people to just think that i'm using that label because it's #like 'hip' nowadays or whatever the fuck in online spaces for people to self diagnose autism and shit like that #i'm just really tired of fighting with myself 24/7 about this #so. #it's a label i want to be able to use because it makes SENSE and it explains so much about me? #but i don't know for sure and i don't know if i ever will #tonight's one of those nights man #i am once again oversharing on the internet #the depths of the blog #not pjo #not omgcp #not fandom

[nightcall99]

Dream from 27.2.24

This dream was strange and confusing and I'm missing parts of it. Did my best to record what I saw.

So irl, my dad lives in one unit and my mum, sister and I in the other. These units are next to each other and share a wall. It just happened this way because growing up, with my grandma and brother too, there wasn't enough room. Also my parents are kind of separated but not, and my dad's on the spectrum or something (I suspect), so it worked out for them to be technically living in separate houses.

So in the first scene, my body is slung over someone's shoulder. I am trying to look as lifeless as possible but I'm definitely a little conscious of what's going on. I don't know who this person is but they're a male. The male was standing surrounded by other people and there was a discussion happening while I'm casually draped over his shoulder. I can't make out what's being said but it does feel sort of tense. It got weird because my dangling feet kept making contact with his ball sack and I'm trying to subtly re-situate my legs while maintaining the semblance of being passed out.

I think a fight occurred due to this male, which resulted in the group splitting up into two different sides. But the thing is, my irl memories were being overlaid on this. The identity of this male got blurred in with them being my irl father (which makes the ball sack thing ultra gross but I did this so I can remember the dream). And so my father was the reason for the fight that ensued, which made his family split up into two different households. My parents used to fight all the time and those fights were probably all my dad's fault. There's plenty of reasons why we lived across two different houses but I suppose that's the main reason. So my irl family got split up into two different houses, and the group of people chose two different sides, it's the same thing.

Everyone is keeping to the side they've chosen (unit 1 and unit 2). I'm in unit 2 and I hear an announcement on the speaker but the sound comes out muffled. All I know is there is a female voice directing a question at me, about which of the three meal options I'd like to have tomorrow for lunch. She lists the three meal options. Since I couldn't hear it properly, I walk over to unit 1 to find this lady as I know that's where she is. Although the general layout of unit 1 is the same as irl, the energy of it feels overlaid with the kindergarten premises of my childhood. There's a feeling of awkwardness mixed in with trepidation, a child's hesitation with being in an unfamiliar place. There are people from the group (from the scene before) sitting around in the living room, the ones who'd chosen this side. But they also feel vaguely like family members (because it's my irl memories). I don't focus in on any of them.

I'm trying to find the blonde woman who made that announcement. I get the feeling she's in the staff office room. I look at the door that leads to this office and it feels weird to barge in there, like I'm not supposed to. I think it's because I am a kindergarten pupil, only 5 years old (there's three realities blending together here), and children aren't allowed in there. I stare at the door and notice the handwritten scrawl on the wall beside it denoting that it's an office. It looks like a child who is still learning their letters wrote it. It looks like when you're a child and an adult gives you permission to mark your height on the wall with grey lead pencil.

I didn't have to go through that door in the end because as if they knew I was looking for her/them, two blonde women appear. They look very much alike. Which lady is it? I shoot my shot and direct my enquiry to one of them, the one standing on the left. I say, I'm not sure what that announcement was about? The lady on the right, is the one who opens her mouth to reply to me. I interrupt her to say, Oh it was you that made the announcement, I'm so sorry! She didn't seem fazed at all that I wasn't able to recognise her. I'm not really listening to what she says next, which is just a recount of her question on the PA system.

Then the two blonde ladies and I are just sitting at the kitchen counter of unit 1 and taking about mundane stuff. None of us are really there. I'm chatting away about some male I'm disapproving of (perhaps the male I was draped upon like a scarf from earlier) and judging. I say, He's a couple of years older than me, how could he have acted so immature? (Probably gossiping about the fight that ensued due to him, the cause of the split). No one replies. The women just stare blankly. I'm waiting for a compliment that never comes, waiting for someone to appeal to my vanity. I think I want them to say that I'm more mature even though I look young for my age.