#Cinderella is hard because you just need a mean stepmom and two stepsister and that's an instant give away

[cromulentbookreview]

Cinderella! Dead?

And by that, I mean:

Cinderella is Dead by Kalynn Bayron!

I do love the Brothers Grimm fairy tales, because, well, all German students cut their teeth translating bits and pieces of the the Kinder- und Hausmärchen. You have never known true suffering until you’ve had to come up with an original translation for bits of Schneewittchen or Rotkäppchen. Oh the horror. I mean, it’s not as bad as doing original translations of Goethe, and definitely not as fun as translating Struwwelpeter - and that was only fun because I was the only person in my class who got that the stories were meant to be a satire on contemporary children’s morality tales. I mean, Mark Twain did his own English translation! The original byline was Lustige Geschichten und drollige Bilder mit 15 schön kolorierten Tafeln für Kinder von 3–6 Jahren (funny stories and amusing pictures with 15 color panels for children ages 3-6). Once you see the Struwwelpeter stories as parodies of sickly sweet moral lessons for kids, it’s pretty clear that the actual lesson of the Struwwelpeter story (don’t suck your thumbs or else a crazy dude with scissors will literally cut them off your hands) is more dark humor than actual story to teach your kids a lesson and - 

Wait, where am I?

Oh. Yes. A blog where I review books. I should probably get on that.

So yes, Cinderella! A story known the world over, with thousands upon thousands of different versions across the globe. The oldest known being the tale of Rhodopis from ancient Greece, and the story of Ye Xian from China that dates back to the AD 860-850 or thereabouts, which itself is similar to stories found around Southeast Asia, like the story of Bawang merah dan bawang putih or the Vietnamese story of Tấm Cám and shit I wandered off again. Sorry. Fairy tale history is quite fascinating. Anyway, the first European version of the Cinderella story was published in Italy in 1634, but the story that we know best mostly comes from the 1697 French version by Charles Perrault in his Histoires ou contes du temps passé, avec des moralités (don’t look at me, I learned German, remember?). Perrault’s Cinderella story, Cendrillon ou la petite pantoufle de verre (Cinderella and the little glass slipper, thanks wikipedia!) features all of what we know of as the traditional Cinderella story: the evil stepmom and stepsisters, the ball, the glass slippers which sound both a) painful and b) super dangerous - seriously, how could you even dance in a glass slipper without breaking them and having shards of glass stuck in your feet à la Die Hard?

Anyway. Cinderella. Very traditional story, mostly French. The Brother’s Grimm version of Cinderella is...weird. Mostly because her name is Aschenputtel, which sounds like something you hack up with a phlegmy cough. (To be fair, though, that’s most German...). There’s also a magic bird instead of a fairy godmother, Aschenputtel’s father is very much alive and doesn’t seem to give two shits about how his new wife and stepdaughters treat his own kid and the slippers are made of gold instead of glass. Gold sounds a sight more comfy than glass, but also super heavy. How can you dance in shoes that weigh roughly 27 pounds / 12.4 kilograms each? That’s assuming that each gold shoe is roughly the same size and density as a standard gold bar and - 

OK. Listen to Rihanna, Cromulent Book Reviewer. Cinderella is Dead by Kalynn Bayron!!

In the land of Marsailles, Cinderella is dead, and has been for the past 200 years. Her story hasn’t just become canon - it’s become law. Every year all girls at the age of sixteen must attend the mandatory royal ball, where the men are allowed to oogle them and pick out which one they want as a wife. The girls don’t get a choice in who picks them - once you’re selected by a man, you’re his, and if no one picks you, well...you’re only allowed to attend the royal ball three times before your family has to surrender you as a “forfeit.” Forfeits are never seen or heard from again. Attending the ball more than once is considered an embarrassment. And if you don’t want to get picked? Too bad. The girls of Marsailles have no choice - non-attendance will get you thrown in prison, and likely executed, while their families have all their possessions stripped from them. So...have fun at the meat parade, girls! Fingers crossed you don’t get picked by an abusive prick!

Sophia Grimmins (I see what you did there, Kalynn Bayron) doesn’t want to go to the Ball. All Sophia wants is to marry her best friend, Erin, and be free to have a future with her. But in Marsailles, being gay is not OK. It’s straight relationships only, Cinderella married a prince, and therefore, women can only marry men. Men marrying men and women marrying women? Forbidden. No not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Instead, go straight to forfeit town. Sophia pleads with Erin to try and escape their hometown of Lille and head off into Belgium the Forbidden Lands. But Erin doesn’t want to escape - she just wants to keep her head down, go through the whole disgusting selection process, and stay safe. Well, as safe as you can with a husband who is brought up to be an abusive, misogynist prick like many men in Marsailles. Seriously, with the exception of like, 3 characters, pretty much all the dudes in Marsailles are the worst. Not just the worst, but like,

Euch. And they’re the worst in a way that all women and girls will immediately recognize. Is it terrible that I’m kind of glad for the current pandemic because mask wearing has cut down the instances of strange men telling me to smile significantly? 

Anyway, the day of the Ball has arrived, and with Erin refusing to escape, Sophia has no other choice - she has to go. Her parents have gone into debt to provide her with the best hair, makeup and dress in order to increase her chances at being chosen. Sophia’s parents know about her feelings for Erin, know that she’s always preferred to have a princess rather than a prince, but even though Sophia pleads with them to do something, anything to get her out of going to the Ball, they refuse. Her parents go full Mandalorian on her, telling her that this is The Way and she’d better just hope for the best. 

Mando would NOT approve.

So Sophia ends up going to the Ball and it’s much worse than she could have expected. The dudes are gross, the king is gross, the whole damned system is gross. 

Unable to stand it, Sophia makes a split-second decision: she’s going to run. She takes off in the middle of the ball, jumps out a window and escapes onto the palace grounds. Running blindly, she finds herself in an overgrown mausoleum which turns out to be the final resting place of Cinderella herself. There, Sophia meets Constance, a descendant of Cinderella’s supposedly evil stepsister, Gabrielle. Constance has been on the run, resisting the king’s awful laws for years. She tells Sophia that everything she’s been taught about Cinderella’s story is a lie. Constance offers Sophia a choice - escape with her and rebel, or return to Lille and face the consequences of fleeing the ball. 

At first, Sophia chooses home. But when her parents make it clear they won’t do much to protect their now outlaw daughter, Sophia meets up with Constance and together they head off into the White Wood in search of Cinderella’s fabled fairy godmother, who may or may not be a witch and who also may or may not be still alive. 

Oh man, I do love me a good story in which badass young women fight against the patriarchy. Cinderella is Dead is such a fun story - well, fun in that the misogyny and injustice rampant in Marsailles is both familiar and super scary, but fun in that Sophia looks that system square in the eye and goes “nope.” Cinderella is Dead is all about the power of story - how something as simple as a fairy tale can be used as a weapon to subjugate not just women and girls, but men and boys as well. The fairy tale made law doesn’t just keep women stuck in the role as princess, but men stuck in the role as prince, even if they, too, would rather run off with a prince than marry the princess. 

Cinderella is Dead starts strong, though it does start to meander in the middle, before speeding up toward the end. Since this is a standalone book (hurray!! No getting suckered into a series this time! More standalones, please!) character development and world building is somewhat lacking, as there’s only so much you can fit into one book and seriously thank God this isn’t the start of another trilogy I have to keep track of, I’ve got way too many trilogies, duologies, quartets and never-ending serieses I have to keep track of right now. Anyway: yes, worldbuilding and character development are a bit shallow, but such is the way with fairy tales, only this fairy tales features a queer young woman of color burning the patriarchy to the ground. And that’s absolutely something I need more of in my life. Now let us go forth and burn the patriarchy, everyone!

RECOMMENDED FOR: All young girls. All of them. Boys, too. Anyone who has ever read a fairy tale, or been forced to translate Grimm fairy tales for German class, or Charles Perrault stories for French class.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Anyone who has ever used the word “feminazi.”

RATING: 3.999 / 5 

BADASSERY RATING: 500,000,000/5

RELEASE DATE: July 7, 2020. So...today! Hurray, I technically got this review done on time! Ahahahahaha the world is on fire what do you want from me.

CINDERELLA RATING:

#cinderella is dead #kalynn bayron #young adult fantasy #ya fantasy #feminist ya #lgbtq ya #own voices #cinderella #book review #smash the patriarchy

[themurphyzone]

Dooferella Ch 1

Summary: Heinz has to read to children at the local library as community service, but things go awry when Heinz uses a Fairy Tale-inator to spice up the story of Cinderella. Unfortunately, something malfunctions and Heinz is transported into a strange fairy tale world! Now Dooferella, he’s stuck with a long list of chores for his parents and goody two shoes brother until a summons from the kingdom’s headquarters arrives….

Ch 1: Once Upon a Time in the Danville Public Library

Musical cliptastic countdowns were not a viable way to knock out two hundred hours of community service. Monogram’s contract had been rewritten to include a Will Not Ever Co-Host with Heinz Doofenshmirtz clause, and Perry refused to cheat and add more hours onto the community service form, though he made a small concession and factored in the ten minutes of commercial breaks.

Heinz still had a grand total of 199 hours and 30 minutes of community service left.

Well, 198 hours and 30 minutes after this reading gig at the library.

Reading to children was something an upstanding citizen might do, but no evil scientist worth their salt would be doing something considered beneficial and good to society in such a public area.  

Heinz’s evil street cred was taking a nosedive, though he didn’t have much to begin with.

“CAN I PICK THE STORY, DAD?” Norm asked. “I’VE BEEN BRUSHING UP ON POPULAR CHILDREN’S BOOKS.”

“I’m not your dad,” Heinz snapped. “I really gotta fix whatever bug is causing you to say that. Besides, the story-picking privileges belong solely to the storyteller, which is me. Last I checked, the Mother Goose Corner isn’t a democracy. Not that it would matter, since kids can’t vote and stuff.”

Norm crashed through the library wall, leaving a giant gaping hole and massive amount of rubble where the entrance used to be. The head librarian made several furious shushing motions in Norm and Heinz’s direction, but didn’t look up from the thick tome she was reading.

“CAN WE READ THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD?” Norm asked as they headed to the Mother Goose Corner. “I THINK IT’S A VERY INSPIRING STORY ABOUT OVERCOMING HARDSHIP AND-“

“Last time I read you that story, you repeated ‘I think I can’ ad nauseam and prevented Perry the Platypus from hearing my spiel on the Banana Peel-inator!” Heinz retorted. “I’ll be picking the books from here, because chances are you’ll wind up stealing a catchphrase or mantra and I’ll be the one dealing with the copyright issues that come out of that…actually, making copyrights could make a good evil scheme one day. Doof-patented self-destruct buttons, bratwurst brands, and evil! I should definitely copyright evil. And suing and forcing people to shoulder their own attorney fees is also evil, so that’s a bonus! And with that kind of monopoly, I can take over and rule the ENTIRE! TRI! STATE! AREA!”

He cackled evilly, though the moment was rudely cut off when a group of middle-aged women shushed him. Heinz scowled. Their shushing was at a way higher decibel level than his cackling. At least his brand of evil laughter didn’t threaten to destroy people’s eardrums. Besides, the drummer from Love Handel was always rhythmically stamping books at the check-in and nobody complained about that.

The Mother Goose Corner was mercifully secluded from the rest of the library. A blue curtain decorated with waterfowl separated the small room from any prying eyes.

“Perry the Platypus would love this curtain. Remind me to ask someone where I can buy one of these things. Probably wrap it up and make it this year’s Christmas present. Alongside another vase. He liked the last one I sent him,” Heinz said.

“HI, MY NAME IS NORM. I LIKE SQUIRRELS AND EVERYTHING ELSE LITTLE BOYS ENJOY,” Norm greeted a young boy with a green baseball cap. The other kids quickly flocked to the edges of the mat to avoid getting crushed by Norm’s titanium posterior.

“I’m Balthazar Horowitz, but I’m trying to legally change it to Ballpit Kid!” the boy exclaimed.

“MY DAD IS TODAY’S STORYTELLER,” Norm declared. “I’M VERY PARTIAL TO THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD. HINT HINT.”

“Real subtle, Norm,” Heinz muttered. “And for the millionth time, I’m not your dad!”

Someone tugged on his lab coat, and Heinz glanced down. A little girl with puffy blonde pigtails stared back at him, rocking back and forth on her heels cutely. “Excuse me, but may I pick today’s story?” she giggled.

She was adorable, but it was the calculating sort of adorable.

When Vanessa was little, she pulled the innocent look if she wanted something. Heinz’s resolve crumbled every time.  

But since this girl was a total stranger to him, it was going to be way easier to resist.

“Nope, doesn’t matter how cute and innocent you make yourself,” Heinz said as he turned away from the girl and leafed through the stack of books by the storyteller’s chair. Thankfully, The Little Engine That Could wasn’t among their choices. “I already told Norm that I was picking today’s book and I’m not budging on the matter. Ugh, not that any of these options are any better. I don’t get how books on overeating caterpillars or uncreative ursine parents who can’t come up with better names for their kids than Brother and Sister can be engaging to kids nowadays.”

Heinz rejected five books before a tiny black shoe stomped on his hand. A pudgy hand grabbed the front of his turtleneck, and he found himself face to face with the cute little girl.

“Look, I’ll cut you some slack since you’re obviously new to the Mother Goose Corner,” the girl said casually. “But I’m going to warn you once and only once. This is my turf and I pick the stories. And don’t bother warning anyone else. The other kids won’t squeal on me. Nobody outside this room will ever believe you. Except for maybe Candace, but I have my own methods of discrediting her. Capiche?”

“Alright!” Heinz yelped, throwing up his hands in surrender. Pint-sized powerhouses were dangerous to push around, but at least Perry the Platypus was firmly on the good side. He was definitely not messing with a kid whose evil stare put the entirety of LOVEMUFFIN to shame. “You win! Just let a guy earn his community service hours in peace, kid!”

Satisfied, the girl shoved her preferred book into his face, then claimed a bean bag chair for herself. “Yay, Cinderella!” she exclaimed, as if she hadn’t just threatened him five seconds ago.

The other kids muttered among themselves, giving Suzy a wide berth as they settled on the far edge of the mat.

“Rule number one of the Mother Goose Corner,” Ballpit Kid murmured to Norm. “Little Suzy Johnson always gets her way.”

“WOW, DAD GOT FOILED AND THIS ISN’T EVEN PART OF AN EVIL SCHEME,” Norm replied.

“Yeah, yeah, let’s laugh at the soon-to-be dictator’s expense. Cause that’s gonna bode well for you in the future,” Heinz snapped as he sat down in the storyteller’s chair. “You like Cinderella, huh?”

In Heinz’s opinion, the book’s cover painted a really misleading picture of the protagonist. It contained the image of a smiling girl in a silvery ballgown, surrounded by smiling woodland critters with the Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming standing in the background.

The Drusselsteinian Cinderella was a lot bleaker, considering that the Fairy Godmother didn’t exist and Cinderella spent most of her time sobbing her eyes out over her mother’s grave. It wasn’t common knowledge that the Brothers Grimm version was adapted from the Drusselsteinian story, though they changed the ending so that the evil stepsisters were punished. The original ending stated that the evil stepsisters poisoned Cinderella at the banquet after her wedding to the prince.

In hindsight, Drusselstein fairy tales were usually designed to crush children’s dreams and traumatize them for life.

But these kids didn’t need to know that.

“She always picks Cinderella,” another girl mumbled. “We all know how it goes.”

By the time Heinz had finished the obligatory once upon a time introduction, most of the kids’ eyes glazed over. Only Norm and Suzy were paying attention.

Well, it was hard to tell if Norm was paying attention since he didn’t have facial expressions.

“Cinderella washed the dishes, fed the animals, tended the garden, swept the floor, dusted the furniture, and cooked for her stepmother and stepsisters every day and…well, you get the picture,” Heinz yawned and flipped the page, deciding to skip over the full list of chores since he was pretty sure the kids had a good understanding of Cinderella’s daily chores. “Honestly, her family isn’t even the good type of evil. They’re just jerks.”

While Heinz didn’t know of any versions of Cinderella where she was forced to pull lawn gnome duty on cold nights with only a balloon to keep her company, he didn’t think it was out of character for the stepmom.

“HER EVIL STEPSISTERS NAMED HER CINDERELLA BECAUSE SHE WAS FORCED TO SLEEP IN A FIREPLACE AMONG THE CINDERS,” Norm supplied.

“No, she doesn’t. She sleeps in a tower,” Ballpit Kid said.

“That’s too mean!” a girl wailed. “How come we call her Cinderella if it’s insulting?”

“COULD WE GET BACK TO THE STORY ALREADY?” Suzy roared, shutting up the other kids. She flopped against her beanbag chair. “Keep going, please!”  

But Heinz was already getting an idea. He put the book down and brought out the Parked Car Away-inator he kept in his lab coat. Since he’d finished this device yesterday, he hadn’t encountered a parking problem where it was needed yet. But with a few minor alterations, he could easily tweak it into something that would be more useful for this situation.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think you might be onto something, Norm,” Heinz said as he switched the positions of a blue and orange wire.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT I SAID, BUT I’M GLAD I HELPED. IF I HAD A CARDIOVASCULAR AND INTEGUMENTARY SYSTEM, I WOULD BE BLUSHING.”

“We just need a more interesting medium. Cause happily ever afters get cliché once you’ve heard them a million times before. Granted, it usually ends up a happy ending for Cinderella, except in Drusselstein, but that place doesn’t lend itself well to happy endings anyway. Ah, there we go. Voila!” Heinz triumphantly held up his modified inator. “Behold! The Fairy Tale-inator!”

The Fairy Tale-inator was slightly slimmer than the Parked Car Away-inator and much easier to maneuver.

“This’ll give us a more engaging and realistic experience and make it way more interesting for all parties involved!” Heinz declared. “Besides, I forgot to bring a water bottle. I don’t want my throat to get dry while reading. I gotta keep it in good condition for my evil monologues.”

He blasted the book with his inator. A glowing blue residue clung to the cover as the beam died away. Heinz set the Fairy Tale-inator on his chair and picked up the book.

“Is that safe?” Ballpit Kid asked. “Television taught me that unnatural glows around objects aren’t a good sign.”

“Don’t worry. It shouldn’t be radioactive. You guys ready for an immersive experience?” Heinz grinned as he flipped to the first page. But instead of the moving illustrations he expected, he came face to face with a swirling blue portal. “You know, I don’t remember any portals in Cinderella. Kind of anachronistic for whatever ambiguous time period this story’s supposed to be in.”

A wind picked up from somewhere, and Heinz tucked his arms closer to his body as he shivered from the sudden chill.

“Hey, did it just get drafty in here or something? Does anyone know where the air conditioning unit is?” Heinz asked.

The wind grew stronger, sucking Heinz’s right arm into the portal like a vacuum. Heinz grabbed the edge of the book with his free hand and tried to yank it off, but only succeeded in getting his other arm stuck in the portal as well.

“Yeah, this looks and feels just about the same amount of awkward,” Heinz muttered, trying not to gasp as some unseen force tugged on his wrists insistently. “Norm, can you call Perry the Platypus for me and let him know I might be running late for the scheme tonight? Oh, and tell him there’s leftover shrimp pasta in the fridge if he’s feeling hungry. Thwarting’s not fun on an empty stomach.”

“SHOULD I SEND A DISTRESS ALERT TOO?”

Heinz scowled. “What do you mean distressed? I’m not distressed! Do I look like a damsel to you?”

Figures that the portal decided to suck Heinz’s legs and torso as well. Heinz had to crane his neck all the way back to see Norm.

His neck was gonna be really sore tomorrow.  

“Alright, so I’m a little distressed,” Heinz admitted. “Looks like storytime’s over now. Man, they better let this count as part of my community service.”

Then the world spun around him in a dizzying swirl of blue and green. Heinz screamed as the wind battered him around like a rag doll, pushing him in every direction imaginable. His surroundings blurred together, becoming an indistinguishable mess of colors with no shape or form

He was pushed, pulled, tugged, yanked, and all the other synonyms that Heinz couldn’t think of because his brain wasn’t registering things properly. The sensations couldn’t have lasted more than a minute, but it felt like an eternity.

To add insult to injury, the universe decided to plop him face-first into the leftover dust and ashes of a poorly maintained fireplace.

#dooferella fanfiction #phineas and ferb #fanfiction #heinz doofenshmirtz

[bxebxee]

Why Cinderella Is Important To Me, an Informal Essay

There are some feminists who are vocal opponents of Disney princesses like Cinderella. Before I really go into why Cinderella is important (to me), I think it’s important to recognize that without the work of the feminists of the 60s/70s/80s/90s...etc., the world would truly be a worse-off place, and I am FOREVER grateful for all of their contributions. The world is not perfect, and neither is feminism. Older feminists got (and continue to get) a lot of important, good things right, but some of their views concerning Disney princesses in general rubs me the wrong way. (The article linked is from 2006, so take it with a grain of salt. I will reference this later.) 

I think there are some key generational differences in feminist culture of women who were born in the 70s versus women who were born in the 80s, and certainly for all women moving forward. When we are born into a society with a set standard (whatever that standard may be), we respond in a different way, and our priorities/activist attention will be centered on other issues. I recommend that everyone read this really good take by Anne Marie Slaughter concerning women, the workplace, and living. This article does a better job at explaining this than I could ever possibly hope to do. 

I don’t like to block-quote, but this is POWERFUL stuff from Anne Marie Slaughter: 

I owe my own freedoms and opportunities to the pioneering generation of women ahead of me—the women now in their 60s, 70s, and 80s who faced overt sexism of a kind I see only when watching Mad Men, and who knew that the only way to make it as a woman was to act exactly like a man. To admit to, much less act on, maternal longings would have been fatal to their careers. But precisely thanks to their progress, a different kind of conversation is now possible. It is time for women in leadership positions to recognize that although we are still blazing trails and breaking ceilings, many of us are also reinforcing a falsehood: that “having it all” is, more than anything, a function of personal determination.

Okay, now to the fun stuff. 

Let me summarize Cinderella:

Cinderella (Cindy) is a rich, privileged girl who lives with her single-parent father because her mother died when she was just a baby. Cindy lives in a de-facto castle with a Pony. Her dad is hella rich, and since he adores her, she’s probably the sole beneficiary. 

The dad feels guilty that Cindy doesn’t have a mom and then unilaterally decides to marry some woman for the sole purpose of having her act as a mother to his kid. Note: in the Disney movie, it’s expressly stated that Cindy’s dad went out looking for a mom replacement - nothing more. 

The dad dies. Cindyis then “abused and humiliated” by the stepmother and made into a servant in her own home. 

Cindy’s room is in the servant quarters. She hangs out with rodents and birds and basically lives at the whim of her terrible stepfamily. She has no life and does menial labor for people who make her life miserable. 

But One Day, there’s this Ball she wants to go to, and her stepmom is terrible human being who taunts Cindy by saying she can go if she has a dress. Note: this serves two purposes - (1) it’s a way of saying no; and (2) it’s a way of rubbing it in Cindy’s face that she has nothing and is nothing. 

Big theme that’s always repeated and is relatively true is that Cindy stays “kind and good” throughout all of this and perseveres through sheer “goodness” of her heart. Because she’s “kind and good” to the animals, they make a dress for her using the scraps luxury goods lying around the house. 

The stepsisters assault Cindy and rip the dress from her body. This is violent and humiliating, and tbh you should be locked up if you pull this shit! Anyway, they stepfam leave for the ball after twisting the knife and Cindy is miserable and probably at the Brink. 

Important: The Fairy Godmother makes an appearance and saves the day. I want to stress that it is not the prince who ends up saving Cinderella, but rather the Fairy Godmother. Without FairyG, you don’t have a happy ending. 

The Fairy Godmother is the one who presents the magical Deus Ex Machina for Cindy to get her life for one night. But FairyG knows that Cindy is a hot girl who’s been thoroughly sheltered for her entire life, so she gives a curfew of midnight. “The magic will wear out” is such bullshit tbh like just say you don’t want Cindy out too late. 

Cindy loses 1 slipper in her rush to get home, and that sets off the whole Find Cindy arc of the last 1/3 of the movie. 

The prince is so fucking into Cindy omg. He wants to wife her. 

Eventually, the search crew gets to Cindy’s place, but stepmom catches wind that Cindy might be mystery gal. Cindy gets locked in the tower but she breaks free due to the help from her animal friends!!

Stepmom trips the guy holding the glass slipper, causing the slipper to SHATTER so that Cindy doesn’t put it on. But stepmom is a cuck who doesn’t know Cindy is a real bitch with a backup plan. 

Cindy pulls out the spare shoe she has, puts it on, and we montage to the marriage scene and happily ever after. 

The supposed message that is distasteful to a lot of people is that Cinderella is a girl who doesn’t have a dream outside of marriage and aspires to being someone’s wife as her ultimate goal. She escapes one servitude for another. In THIS article, which I linked above as well, the author says this about Cinderella when she talks to her daughter: “It’s just, honey, Cinderella doesn’t really do anything.” 

Cinderella’s "Passivity” Explained: 

Now I agree with a lot of things in that article, but I am purposely pulling out that one quote because it Pisses Me Off when people categorize Cinderella as some jobless shut-in. 

Cinderella wasn’t like this by choice. Her dad died when she was too young to be independent, and her new guardian was a terrible human being who basically kept her around for inheritance purposes. Cindy was not financially independent, nor did she have any power. Let’s really consider her background!!! If her father thought that she “needed” a mother, he probably never taught her anything about finances or her rights (assuming we’re in an era where those existed). Like... I can see he loved her very much, but what it’s a very 1950s thought to assume your kid needs both a mother and a father. (Cinderella was released in 1950 LOL.) 

So Cinderella’s real problems started because her dad made incredibly poor choices related to co-parenting. And for all of the stepmother’s faults, maybe it pissed her off that she was only being wifed because this guy wanted her to act as a glorified nanny for his brat. The stepmother is still terrible though, no excuses. Anyway, it’s evident that Cinderella’s childhood and adolescence were not happy times, and she had very little time to adjust to this new world order. 

x

“Good and Kind” is Misleading: 

Cinderella is part of the union of Nice Princesses, the OG3 of Snow White, Cinderella, and Aurora. You have feisty Disney princesses like Ariel, Jasmine, Rapunzel, Merida...etc., and then you have girls like Cindy. 

One of the main themes of Cinderella that they push really hard is that she’s a good person. She’s kind, hopeful, and doesn’t let the meanness of the world change her. Her purity is related to purity of spirit, where the negative circumstances around her do not turn her heart towards bitterness. Check out this song for the proof. 

I agree that she’s a good person, but throughout the movie you’ll see a lot of places where Cindy gets snarky and shady!!! I mean the FACES that she makes when her stepmother gives her ridiculous chores: 

(You can watch the full vid here. Also, can you believe how hilarious that this face appears right at 4:20? LOL) 

“Good and Kind” doesn’t mean she’s not sneaky when she wants to be. There’s this one scene where Cinderella drops a tray of tea in “surprise” at the news that the duke is going around testing feet sizes of all the maidens. Now, I’ve seen Cinderella balance three loads of laundry while avoiding a nasty cat who always tries to trip her. She didn’t look like she dropped it in surprise because she HARDLY jumped. I guess you can say maybe she was so out of it and surprised that nothing else registered, but my take is that she dropped it on purpose to eavesdrop on the stepmother. 

Cinderella’s version of sneaky is also kinda funny too because when she escapes the tower, she has that other glass slipper with her. A Real Bitch Is Always Prepared!!!! And she had the nerve to chirp “if it would help~~~”

I love her. 

x

Cindy is Not Perfect:

The one thing I will say about Cindy is that she is Naive. She is Naive as HELL. She does try to believe in the goodness of all people/animals, and she gives people the benefit of the doubt. But she’s terrible at hiding her emotions when she’s happy. She’s transparent as Glass whenever she’s in a good mood, and she gets Radiant. The stepmother cannot stand this, and it kills her to see Cinderella happy. 

The only reason Cinderella gets locked in the tower right before the duke shows up with the slipper she left behind is because the stepmother notices Immediately when Cinderella is happy. The stepmom has this sixth sense for it, and she puts together two and two to figure out that Cinderella was the Mystery Gal from the ball. 

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The Prince is Irrelevant:

People also dislike OG3 princess movies because the prince “saves” the princess for her happily ever after. I want to stress that it was the Fairy Godmother who was the mvp in all of this. The prince is an Afterthought, and he was a happy accident for Cinderella, but the person who made it all possible was the Fairy Godmother. 

I will always say that Cinderella was craving a life, not a man.

But back up for a second because frankly... Cinderella getting with the fucking prince is Peak Revenge on her terrible stepfam. I mean you have Cinderella who has lived the better part of her life as an abused servant-orphan suddenly getting married to the prince, who will probably have political and financial power over these terrible people. Also, can the stepfam do any better than the royal family? Probably not. Even at the ending, Cinderella flat out kisses the king’s head as if he was a child. The duke is probably pissing himself over keeping her happy because she basically saved his life by pulling out that the shoe letting him complete his task successfully. She has EVERYONE in the royal family eating out of her palm.

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Conclusions: 

On a personal level, I feel emotional fondness for Cinderella because she hangs in there. She endured a lot of bullshit, but she eventually got out. That’s the happy ending that gives me hope. Marriage/finding a man is not what drives satisfaction of that movie. We cheer because Cinderella gets to leave her abusers behind in the dust while living her best life. 

SHE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER! 

The End!

#disc horse