#GOD PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME TO FOCUS ON MY SCHOOL WORK RN THIS IS PROCRASTINATION GONE TOO FAR ARGH | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jess-oh · 7 years

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Reflection

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im in a constant state where i feel like i just want to cry bc i feel so alone but then i dont want to cry in front of my classmates or my roommates or let anyone in or let my guard down but i also dont have marlena bc she’s going through her own things rn and i dont have andrew bc crying in person is just awkward and he’s been growing more and more apathetic which makes sense bc he’s a busy guy and he’s just gotta realize it for himself so i reached out to some friends like jeanne, jennifer, and annika but i just couldnt bring myself to be so open and vulnerable and just kinda brushed it off as stress but i am so overwhelmed and i dont know what to do and im way in over my head and

sigh

i just really need a break and time to gather my thoughts but i cant stop stressing over everything. it’s just so much to handle. and i asked andrew earlier if he still goes to his friends for advice when theyre going through a hard time and he said yes and questioned why i would think otherwise and idk if it’s him or me but i thought you should just back off and let them bc so as to not add the extra weight, yknow? i would never want to put my friends in a worse spot than they already are. i want to help them. so idk if im wrong or if he’s selfish or what but i do want to hear his reasoning. but man, i just feel like crying. all the time. im so nervous all the time. i want to be productive and do homework and it’s only the end of week 5 and i am dying. and i do really want to get better and do my best and put more effort into all my classes. and maybe that means taking a step back from church and my other extracurriculars. but i still want to be involved bc these are things that im really passionate about. i just.

i feel so alone and it’s hard. not being able to be open with anyone. it sucks always trying to be the strong one. and honestly, what heidi said to me still affects me to this day. in more ways than i originally thought. she said that everyone is going through a hard time but other people are just better at hiding it. and that struck a chord within me. it drove me off the rails. off the cliff. it pushed me to self harm myself bc i felt so helpless and worthless. and honestly, as much as i dislike to admit it, i still think im trying to put on this fake, strong facade. for the sake of not appearing weak. and act as if i have all my shit together when in reality, i am dying on the inside. im literally the guy in a pool of tears meme.

and i want to be productive so i keep pushing myself to do some homework assignments or at least get a head start whenever i can but...im just so frustrated. because im not in a mentally stable place rn so i cant fully commit or focus and im not even procrastinating on my work that much. and yes, i have a lot to do and it’s stressful but i thin more than that, im just not doing so great mentally and that’s been fucking me up. i do want to do well. i do want to get good grades and actually try and learn and find a support group that i can rely on. and it really does come down to how open i’m willing to be and how much of a risk im willing to take in opening myself up to them. and it’s hard and it’s scary and i feel like im not getting anywhere but i do really want to do better. honestly.

and God, I know that you are still a huge part of my life too and yeah, i have been putting my faith on the backburner while I’ve been trying to sort out everything going on right now with school and my personal life and everything and yknow what, i dont know if youre just asking me to rely on you more and to pray to you whenever i can and just giving it all up to you. and honestly, i think, to me, thats a sign of giving in. and i know that it isnt but in my mind, it is. i want to be strong and do things by my own strength and just push through this hard time. but man, i feel so alone. it’s hard when youre two closest friends are someone that’s going through a lot of family issues and the other is just apathetic and doesnt care. and i know he still does to some extent but i do want someone to push me and force me to do things that i dont always to do because im too scared. but they know that it’s the right thing to do. please, pull me out of my comfort zone but be there to catch me in the end and just remain supportive. please. thats all i need. i dont need you to tell me what i want to hear. tell me the truth. make me snap out of it. and...just be there for me. please. thats all i need.

i just took a photo of myself without a shirt on. nothing super intimate is showing but i did feel pretty confident. but my boobs are hanging out but i like so skinny but i also dont want anyone else to see it and judge me for it but it did make me feel a lot better and i want to check my weight and see if i lost any and i know that that is so vain but i have struggled for so long with my weight and how i appeared and im just so tired of it. i just want to be flawless. not really but kind of. that kind of “perfect” that is just so natural and comes without any effort. i wake up and someone finds me beautiful or attractive or worthwhile. and i know that i shouldnt be so focused on my appearance but it’s definitely been ingrained into my brain that it does matter. and as much as it sucks, i believe it.

i dream of being in a relationship. i have no idea with you. but im just so in love with that idea. with having someone that you care so much about that you want to be spend as much time as possible with them. someone that always has your back and you always have theirs and you never have to question it. someone you can just always hangout and chill with and you wont be too clingy. someone you are just so in love with and you feel comfortable just being yourself around them. i want that. that kind of love and intimacy and affection that you can only get from a relationship.

but i know that if it doesnt work out, it really will break my heart and the pain will be unbearable to live with. but i will push through. i’ll fight. i can do it. i just...

i dont know

i really miss having that comfort of having people that you know you can totally rely on wholeheartedly. because i cant out here. not anymore.

#reflection

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