#I'm already 3 hours over for the week

[killerchickadee]

I usually work 7-3:30pm but I went in at 5 so I could get more done.... the idea though is that if you go in early you can leave early.

So of course I didn't get to leave until.... 3:30.

Part of why I wanted to leave early is so I could go grocery shopping, but by the time I got off I was like... nope. But I'm starving so pizza time I guess.

#thinking about that sweet ot #I'm already 3 hours over for the week #and it's my tuesday #i have to stay an extra hour friday and saturday cause lol there's no manager until 4:30 #and I'll probably stay late tomorrow let's be real #like i don't want this working 45-50 hours a week thing to go on indefinitely #but right now we're fucked for staffing #and I'm still trying to catch up on bills #so I'm exhausted but gotta do what you gotta do

[lazy-toad]

Me walking into the kitchen after spending the entire day sat in my room listening to a podcast whilst playing mobile games

#guys staring at a screen for hours makes you feel not the best who'd've thought huh #anyways this is your formal warning to prepare for like 2 weeks time when I'll have finished w.bg #because im like 2/3 of the way thru S8 and I'm already genuinely losing sleep over this damn podcast

[girlfox]

haha between how stressful and busy work is & how overwhelmed by school i am, i got a zero on an assignment because we were so overloaded with work and i missed one of the assignments due for the module yesterday. brb going to go cry and drag my butt back into indesign. consider me afk for a lil' while longer.

#𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 ⠀⠀(⠀ⅰ.⠀)⠀⠀𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑:⠀⠀ಇ⠀⠀oh-kae! #i just finished packing up the rest of our old office at work #that we're leasing back out #and that i had to move out. by myself. <3 #i am so beyond physically tired. #and i already spent hours upon hours at the start of the week and last night working on assignments. #bc i'm just trying to manage it after working all day every day too. #i took a half day today at least to get on top of it but getting that pop up notif for my 0 grade really just. #is pushing me over the edge LOL. #my mind is so beyond fried right now i wanna cry. #it brought me down from a 98.7% to a 95% which i know is still good but. #i'm an academic over achiever and this makes me want to die. <3

[vimbry]

me and the work girlies having socialist convos at the end of the day

#funny as hell like. we finished our workload about half an hour early #because they've hired so many of us temps. who are improving at the job each day #that there's just been less to spread around #yet bc work culture is dumb our manager suddenly told everyone to push the carts we'd already sorted #into a square in the middle of the floor? which we've never done before #and the permanent staff had no idea why either. they were also confused but resigned #I passed one and said ''hey so is this just because we have 20 minutes of the shift left'' #and she just laughed and shrugged and was like idk ask him lmaooo #definition of busywork #so we're all just standing around for 10 minutes until the manager starts calling people over to move... other stuff idk. #and I'm walking to join them when this small group of coworkers behind me goes HEY #you don't need to go. look he's got enough people and he's not looking stay heeere #so we just end up swapping stories about the managers giving us tips to process the conveyer faster #even tho we uhhh work SO hard already. :) #and one woman went ''I was thinking. ummm. I could go faster. but you gonna pay me more??? so I worked slower ❤️'' #nothing but respect for us grunts here tho vs the management. I've never known a single person in the 3 weeks I've been here #to not come and help someone who looks busy on the opposite conveyer when theirs is slow #turns out people are naturally nice and helpful when you don't take advantage and try and make them work harder #bosses will never learn this <3

[littlegreenwyvy]

I've gotta say,

going to the transgender-care hospital for GRS appointments, and feeling nothing but judged, ridiculed(!), and gatekept (in part because of recent 'unusual' diagnoses and notes in my chart. As though transgender people aren't frequently subject to medical mistreatment already) has certainly been

an experience

#They also waited until LESS THAN A DAY before my actual consultation with the surgeon #to inform me that because I changed insurance plans the surgeon wouldn't be able to see #(3 months after I'd already told them I'd have different/no insurance by now cuz I lost my job) #and because of that they cancelled my consult with him #which I'd already made the 5+ hour and almost $1.000 trip to NYC for #So I'm just feeling a little bit fucked over right now #This happened last week and I still haven't really processed it yet

[softspacecat]

it's weird that i've actually managed to get to a point where i've worked through enough of my social anxiety and made some close friends to feel fully comfortable around that social interaction (at least a specific kind of it) stopped being exhausting. to the point where NOT doing it actually makes me feel low on energy, rather than the other way around

#i got called an extrovert over this jsldkfn #unfortunately this still only applies to people i'm already good friends with #and it has to be in person to have the energizing effect #and said friends live a 3 hour train ride away #and i work 5 days a week

[noxtivagus]

ffxv makes me so emotional oh my god 🥹🫶🏼

#🌙.rambles #[ ffxv. ] #i love love love final fantasy so much like. video games in general i cld rlly ramble abt each of my interests for hours like i'm #v much ffxv mood rn. god esp that one story two years back i've mentioned it so much here atp but IT REALLY IS SO PERSONAL N #CRINGE???? IDK IT MAKES ME EMBARRASSED A BIT but like embarrassed /pos like. it's me. younger me. n i'm still v fond of it. #..still makes me shy though but even more i finished writing that uh oneshot back then w noctis #childhood friends to lovers uhuh secretly in love but both think it's unrequited uhuh #why has that always been among my fav tropes.. I DON'T EVEN RLLY HAVE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS? there's nothing irl that inspired it at all. #but then ^ that's also w my uhhhh original characters n then my wol too in ffxiv honestly n #even with other characters.. a v similar sentiment w claude n like lancelot or lucifer. ffxv / fe3h / gbf were my top 3 back in 2020 #botw hades octopath acnh & other ff were games that i rlly rmb then too. but ever since ffxiv i haven't been able to play much other vgs 😭 #the witcher 3. nier automata demo. code vein demo. genshin. hzd. rdr2. ac odyssey n lots more but god i've barely finished any #OH I NEARLY FORGOT.. I'M SO SORRY must be bcs i was listening to it earlier so i thought i already wrote it but kh3 yes #AAAA WAIT I'M RAMBLING AGAIN I WAS GNA WORK ON SOME STUFF BEFORE I SLEEP 🥹 sleep by 3 for more hours or by 4 so i can uh #get some stuff done before tmrrw? i will. do my best this week as quickly as i can so i can.. rest? my mind rlly needs a rest i think >< #yk what i can always write n do more the next day yeah i'll sleep no later than 3:30 #i think i'm going back more to my old self again but i'll do my best to not isolate or distance myself too much i don't want to destroy #things even more like. in that. dream n. in the past when. i thought i was over it but i think those wounds r reopening #but i'm stronger than them n. fuck. it's the same as before n that's why i'm crying that's why i'm so afraid that's why it hurts so much #but i've written too much here. it hurts so much but even if it feels too similar to.. back then it's. not the same it's not the same #i've improved i've gone this far i've made friends i've made so much memories. but i'm so afraid that i'll fuck up again n #i think i'm like this bcs. oh ffs my dream told me basically that i really do think i already fucked up. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry #the past.. present. the future. too fast too much n it's just like before n that's. why i'm helpless to it. i can do better but this #i forgave them but maybe i haven't forgiven myself. entirely at least. so. the familiarity of this rn is keeping me frozen in place? #n then other stuff r so overwhelming too n fuck i don't want to think about this anymore i'll be fine i'm fine i can do this on my own #..no. i can't do that again. fuck i'm crying so much why does this feel the same as two years back #i'm sorry please don't forget me please don't leave me please tell me i didn't fuck up please don't tell me i did it again #i'm sorry i was doing better i was healing but i'm back to this again i know better but i can't do any more rn n i'm sorry i'm so sorry #fuck it i'll wipe away these tears. it feels so empty inside but i'll feel better somehow by the morrow. i don't want to be a burden nymore #i know it's bad n i don't want all my progress to be for naught but.. no i can't fuck this up again but i feel i alrdy have. i'm sorry. gn

[caffeinated-bibliophile]

🙃

#literally sitting here crying because the spreadsheet i spent hours working on over the weekend... didn't save #there were 3 sheets (the third was for charts) and their labels are the only thing that saved #i had about 90% of my physical tbr entered (name/author/if it's a book in a series/target age range/genre) #including books i ordered that haven't arrived yet #all i had to do was add my non fiction and a few novels i missed initially because i hadn't shelved them yet #i opened the spreadsheet because i was going to work on setting up my second sheet which is for series tracking #and now I'm just crying because I'm having a bad pain week so my mood was already low #i feel ridiculous for being so upset but i don't use spreadsheets often so I'm not good at it or fast #but i was a little proud of this one because it turned out how i wanted and i only had to look up one thing to double check how to do it

[soggypotatoes]

i am. Unwell

all of yesterday and today, just extremely depressed, can’t stop hiding in my room.. i can’t deal with the thought of having to talk to people so i’m not leaving. the dietitian and the nurses are checking on me regularly like ‘go sit in the courtyard!!’ no.. there’s people in there.. you don’t understand, today at lunch someone said ‘hey edwina come sit here!’ and i stared at them and went and sat at the other end of the dining hall and then i overheard her talking to someone about rejection issues

like.. it’s fine, ok, i’m in a psychiatric hospital, she smiled at me earlier so i know i haven’t really upset anyone. i’m here to be depressed. but i can’t cope with that lol

#told the dietitian i'm too anxious about being around people to eat #and she said she'd speak to the kitchen abt getting a portion set aside for me #so i can go to dinner an hour later than everyone else #i knowww i know sitting inside this room is poisoning me #but i cant go out there ill die #ive already spent all day sitting in bed quietly panicking abt the fact that the psychiatrist will come talk to me at some point #idk what im supposed to say to him #no im not getting better.. been here over a week and i have gotten significantly worse #it's not the hospital; i'd be getting worse outside it too #i feel very hopeless #im not sure i am gonna get better #gonna come out of here in 3 weeks and everythings gonna be the same #so why bother forcing myself out into the courtyard #ed mumbles #and i just dont rly know what to do with my time honestly #i cant focus on books or games #even social media is not holding my attention #so im just rapidly switching between things for hours #dont have the energy to journal or make anything #i dont know what to DO

[humanmorph]

me skipping through finalisade episodes wow this sounds so good i wish i could listen to it

#also from my notes app. today even because i was like i should finish pal47! and then just listened to music instead #i couldn't find where i left off so i just skipped around for a bit and got too impatient... #it's been like that for 4 days.... #palisadeposting #noting that this weeks episode is also 3 hours. #in a previous post i was like the finale is gonna be over 6 episodes and and at least 2 eps are over 3 hours long #which we now already hit. and i don't think it's 6 episodes anymore either lol #. HELP i just jumpscared myself by skipping to a random place in pal48 and hearing One specific thing i'm actually so excited about #ik whenever i get there for real it'll be like A sentence but this is so funny to me. how did i do that

[daz4i]

oh i need to KILL MYSELF kill myself huh

#liveblogging my mental breakdown on tumblr dot com #i can already tell tonight is gonna be awful #i mean. it already is #i just don't know if i can fall asleep. and i need to wake up in less than 7 hours #took 2 pills i probably shouldn't mix together and if this keeps up i might add a third #but that third one is gonna make tomorrow even worse bc it always makes me wake up groggy as fuck #i think if i reach 3 am and still can't sleep i'll let my supervisors(?) know i won't come tomorrow #not like i have much to do anyway. just gonna have to show up for 4 hours of nothing. 4 times this week #(that's actually one of the reasons i'm distressed and why i came to a boiling point over smth small now. probably.) #anyway. i hope i just die tonight and that's it. it won't happen but i hope it does i really do. manifesting so hard rn #maybe this disease my tests show i might have will kick in exactly tonight. save a lot of time and effort i think #i can tell at least one of the pills already kicked in but ngl it's not helping much i think i'm just starting to dissociate tbh. #suicide // #negative // #vent #ask to tag

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

in-school-suspension was honestly so extremely funny because i had undiagnosed Problems Disorder and unironically i LOVED being sent to ISS.

average day of ISS (sent there for 3 days because i was late to a class three times within a 9-week period):

arrive at school and say a silly dramatic farewell to my besties

stop at each of my classrooms to receive makeup work from my teachers which always ends up being some bullshit worksheet or textbook busywork

arrive at ISS portable and go through the daily rigamarole intro of "you are Bad and you should Feel Bad. welcome to Bad Class, a confirmation that you will never make anything of your life, you horrid creature. you are not allowed to speak, eat, or feel joy. no doodling or reading, if you don't have makeup work or homework i will assign busywork to you. fuck you. *spits*"

spend the next 4 hours doing my busywork. it is QUIET. i can CONCENTRATE. the work gets DONE EARLY.

the work only took 2 hours maximum, i spend the other 2 hours writing fanfiction manually in a composition book pretending that I'm doing textbook work. i am having the time of my life.

our lunch time is the 10 minutes between the two lunch periods. there is no line, because there's only ever 5-15 ISS students. i get to EAT instead of STANDING IN A LINE for half an hour and only having 4 minutes to scarf down my garbage.

at the end of lunch, we are led in a big duck line through the school and we each get to stop off at our usual classes and pick up work to do. i already did this in the morning, so i use my time to say hi to my friends and figure out what the homework will be tonight.

for the last 2 hours of the day i do my homework. IT GETS DONE. this is the ONLY time during high school where homework gets done. zero exaggeration. i never did homework unless i was actively in a classroom with no choice but to do homework.

we get the usual outro of "this has been your day in Bad Class, because you're a Bad Child. some of you will be here tomorrow, some of you will not, but i'll see you again in a couple of weeks, because you are Bad and will always be Bad."

the school day is over, i did not encounter any of my bullies, i did not have to 'participate in class'. i got all of my work done and then some. i got to work on my fanfics. i hang out with my friends after school and talk to others on myspace/facebook.

it is the best three days i have in recent memory.

i will be there again, probably on purpose.

#op #high school was a miserable experience but also SO funny

[serkonans]

I am in such a weird vibe rn

#i spent 3 hours talking to someone i havent spoken to in a year and i forgot to go to my rescheduled injection #so i'm probably just going to miss a dose idk and That's probably messing w me bc im already half a week over #and then i like read a book that made me sad and my grandma canceled seeing me tomorrow bc she's dealing w stuff and i just #i want a distraction but i feel like i can't be engaged enough w anything to be distracted #oisín.txt #oisín.n

[keeps-ache]

now i cOULD go to bed righ t now. OR i could start writing at 3 a.m., as is the usual ritual

#just me hi #hello we're back on track!! [the track goes over a cliff. this is well-known to us] #ohh but sleep would be nice. but also i'm this far already sooo.. :3 #top ten things said before a Terrible Day hshfvbha #i tend to have Very good tuesdays and then the rest of the week just kinda ranges from Ah. Alright to I'm Going To Explode(negative) #could this be my fault? why yes actually! i'm a champion of screwin sleep schedules over when they were finally figuring out what was up lo #//i'm listening to music and i'm not even like. registering the noise anymore Lmao #like okey. maybe i should go to sleep #buut alsooo hmmmm #i'll figure out this pose first and THEN sleep. or if i can trick myself then i'll just go to sneep :3 #//i like having an hour or two at night to draw on stuff but Auh. i do not have the #(i forgot the word!) #i think strength. fortitude? something like that lol #i'm not gonna look up synonyms to figure out what i was looking for. i'm going now :) #bbbye !

[wrioluvr]

『shhh, not so loud! make me. huh?』 slutty sub yandere x gentle himbo darling, male yandere x male reader

note: thank u all the support on pt 1 ♡♡ was thinking about a scenario where slutty yandere somehow manages to convince his darling to actually fuck him after a lot of begging... even tho reader is scared his large cock will break him apart <3 pt 1

cw: he/him pronouns for reader, mentions of reader's ex-boyfriends, loss of yandere's virginity, implied violence

nervous was the way you were feeling as you made your way to your boyfriend's house. the two of you had started dating a few weeks ago, when after you'd let him suck your dick, he broke down crying, admitted to how desperately he was in love with you, and pleaded on his knees for you to own him and treat him as your personal fucktoy. frantically, you quickly assured him you would treat him as an equal in the relationship, to his slight disappointment. of course, he was ecstatic that you'd agreed to be his boyfriend, but you were his god, how could he not worship such a kind being? in your eyes, despite his rather.... overly submissive behaviour, he was kinda cute, so why not give it a go? if only you knew how deep his obsession truly ran...

and with an progression in your relationship, came a progression in intimacy level as well. the previous day, he had gathered up the courage to ask you to top him, which is why you were making your way to his apartment now. the current fear you were feeling was not for yourself, but for him, you worried that he would hurt himself trying to bottom. you were aware you were bigger than most guys... you wondered how to tell him you weren't too sure about the whole anal thing after all.

but what you did not expect to see the moment you opened the door to his room, was him on his bed on all fours, ass up, using his index and middle finger to spread his tight pink hole towards you. he turned his head around at the sound of your arrival and looked back at you with lust-filled, half-lidded eyes, breathing heavily. "baby! thank god you're finally here... please fuck me already, i've been waiting for hourssss......." his words came out in a pitiful whine.

your eyes widen at his plea. "woah, okay, let's slow down." quickly, you make him sit up, much to his confusion. he was already ready, so why were you hesitant?

taking his hand and squeezing it gently, you tell him what's on your mind. "okay, uh... i'm not too sure if i want to fuck you right now..."

"wha- but- but why? you promised!"

"i know i did, but i'm worried for you. i know i'm kinda... big, so i don't want to make you bleed or anything..."

at your reasoning, he can't help but whine in frustration. don't you understand? he doesn't care about how much it hurts! he wants it to hurt! his one wish is for you to completely destroy him! usually he'd back down, since he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable with his desperation, but he decided to be a little selfish.

reaching over and fondling your crotch, he looked at you with a silent, horny plea in his eyes, then proceeded to sit in your lap and grind on your bulge sensually. he whimpered as your clothed dick got harder and prodded at his hole.

taken back by his sudden boldness, you let him straddle you. "hey... did you even listen to anything i said?"

"forgive me, darling. but i want this so bad. give it to me, pretty please?" he continues to roll his hips on your crotch, not sounding terribly sorry at all.

you sigh, realising you can't change his mind. "okay, just let me know if it hurts, and i'll stop immediately. alright?"

"mhm." but secretly, he'd moan in pleasure no matter how painful it was, relishing in it.

"at least let me prepare you first...?"

"i've been fingering myself for the past hour, you don't need to." he giggled, as he got back down on all fours on his bed, hoping you were proud of his forward thinking. "i want our first time to be special, so i'm fully prepared."

"wait... you're a virgin?" upon hearing your question, he turned his head back to look at you with an incredulous expression on his pretty face, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"but of course, i've been saving myself for you. i don't want anyone else using me." he bit his lip, making sure you knew how much he valued you taking his virginity. he suddenly realised how he'd completely forgotten to ask (or stalk to find out) about your past relationships. "what about you, darling? are you a virgin?" secretly, he was hoping the answer would be yes, but deep down he knew you were far too desirable for that to be true.

"nah. i dated a few guys before, but they broke up with me because they said i was too dumb." you'd never really thought about it deeply, but saying it out loud made you realise that it was rather embarrassing...

"how the fuck could they say that? you're so perfect and kind... forget about them, darling... just focus on me. you won't need to think about those ungrateful whores ever again." his change in tone caught you off guard, grip tightening around your arm. this was the first time he'd ever sounded genuinely pissed off. but this was quickly masked by his usual lovesick smile as he resolved to make you feel so good, your attention would forever be on him and him only.

eagerly, he helped you undress and tried not to blush at the sight of your naked body, even as he relished in the sight of the cock he had gotten on his knees for so many times before. you were confused at his reaction. "we're both guys, why are you embarrassed?" you were so silly sometimes. he was finally going to be made your bitch, of course he would be flustered!

with your cock teasing his entrance, he made his final invitation. "i want you to mess me up inside." he begged as he spread his virgin hole open, groaning in pain and pleasure as you pushed halfway into him. immediately, you looked up to his face in concern. "you okay? it's only halfway in..." "fuck, i said i can take it!" with that, he pushed himself onto your cock with a lewd determination, letting out an overly passionate moan as you fully entered him. instinctively, you shushed him, not wanting the neighbours to hear. "shhh! you're being too loud....." "make me." he retorts defiantly, trying to rile you up so you would be rougher. "huh?" fuck, he was really pushing it today. you really didn't want to, but he was making far too much noise. resorting to muting him forcefully, you reach for his mouth and clamp your hands over it, effectively gagging him. his eyes widen, not expecting you to take the bait, but he's in heaven. you can practically see the hearts in his eyes as he sluttily sucks on your fingers, all that's left is a series of muffled whimpers.

even though your mind was currently preoccupied with the way your boyfriend's squeezing your cock, you can't help but think about your exes after he brought the topic up. you knew you were a little dumber than most, but did all those guys really break up with you just because you were stupid? he seemed to sense your feelings and clenched harder, making you lose focus and grip his hips tightly. the thought of you thinking about your exes while you were inside him was horrible, he couldn't have that at all! "s-see, darling, my ass is much better than those sluts, isn't it- uuummfff." he could barely form words as he continued to ride you up and down, savouring the way your large length stretched his inner walls to their limit. it was quite the stark contrast - you were thrusting in and out of him at a tender pace, making sure you were never too rough (feeling a little guilty for muffling him so forcefully just now), but yet he was whimpering and writhing all over the bed, gripping the sheets whenever you hit his prostrate at regular intervals. he desperately tried to fuck himself on your cock when you slowed down, noticing his tears, begging you to start again. after a bit, you felt like you were about to reach your climax. "hey, i'm about to co-" "do it inside me." you didn't have time to argue as he pulled you closer into a hug, making you cum inside him, much to his delight. he adored the way you filled him up, feeling you pump load after load into his hole. he rubbed his stomach, wishing he could get pregnant with your child. but alas, he can't have everything. today was already a huge victory. exhausted, he collapsed into your arms as you stroked his hair, apologising for being a little rough and hoping his ass didn't hurt too much. he couldn't really focus on what you were saying as he just lay there and stared up at you affectionately. god, you were just perfect, weren't you?

˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗

in the middle of night, as you slept peacefully, the boy you fucked a few hours ago had just finished going through your phone, his one objective being obtaining the names of your exes. "don't worry, darling.... i'll take care of those unappreciative bastards myself. no one gets to make you feel stupid." he whispers to your ear lovingly before getting out of bed. he hoped you wouldn't be too mad when you found out he killed them when you woke up. or maybe he did, just so you could punish him. ♡

#sub yandere #top male reader #dom male reader #yandere x male reader #male yandere #yandere drabble #yandere x reader

[prettycottagequeer]

ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)

SO these I should start on asap:

50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make

100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week

150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)

200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)

these can wait longer:

300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect

500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)

1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks

2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.

Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese

here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)

How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks

I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.

that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.

the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.

On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started