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babayagainthemidst · 1 year

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Exactly 2 years today. Got a doctor checked on me. That was a terrifying day of my life, tbh. 'Twas like 9 months before this very day of the same month(kapoya analyze uy😂) when I started feeling it, inside of me. But I just ignored it knowing I'm feeling healthy y'all though I kept on having episodes the following months(geek). The episodes stopped after the super lockdown I think, and rarely feeling it for the following months. But then somewhere before this month of 2 years ago(samuka sa pag analyze uy🤦) I got a super episode which I decided to see a doctor and checked on me (happy 2 years😂). The results was terrifying and my soul was like wanting to depart from my body(which didn't happen🙈). What I thought was something like just minor stingy but turned out to be the worst of all the worst. Nah! I was muted for the following days, was a bit lost, everything's empty and also the most frightening nightmare happened that totally wrecked my gasping heart. Everything went gray and the thought of me bearing it was totally sane and unacceptable. I decided to get a second opinion but the result's the same. Did my own research and made myself understand everything(this 3 consonant letters, not contagious tho but I'll be bearing it for the rest of my life😣). It's not curable but there is one thing that could stop the sting and episodes. Ek! I'm not into 'it' tho and still not seeing myself with that 'thing'. Due to what happened on those days I quite doubt myself and it was the first time of questioning my worth. That month and that year was the most nerve wracking event of my life. For the thoughts that wasn't heard, tears that was hidden, sleepless nights and I cried without sound like the silence alone is killing me. Every piece of me burst out and burnt down, left alone. Lost my job, distanced myself from my family, totally closed my doors, and I became someone I don't want to be, like someone from my past but more of no vision, was juggling of finding my way back and thinking of ending my life(which I didn't do anyway🥺). No warm hugs, shoulder to lean on, not a tap on my shoulder nor a single comforting words. Saklap! Like every inch of my body and soul was lost.

2/2

Words are better left unsaid, I felt that the real ones respected my silence but I know too well who among the real ones stayed and chose to understand my silence. But those days was the most trustworthy version of myself and no one really knows about it(my decision). Instead I did rise up, smiled and atta girl, gear up the best fitted suit I could ever have, bravery and hope. So it was never enough reason to bend down my knees and give up on my life. As time goes by and years came in my life I did understand everything, fully, being strong isn't enough if you lack passion in everything that you do. Despite every bad words I heard around, the never ending comparison and the head to foot stares jusme I don't care. I'm too tired with everything but I ain't giving a shit on giving up. We ain't cowards! All I know is that I'm doing what I want(with passion, panalo ako dito)coz it's not about how fast or slow I'd reached my destination but its about on how I enjoyed, learned a lot, accepting my flaws, forgiving myself and people, dealing with sudden twists and gaining self-love on my travel. I'm having a lot of fun and making sure I'll never regret my decisions(not rushing things but savoring every moments) and we'll never doubt myself anymore, ever. I am more than enough(says Ma🤗). Got the best support system and respect from my beautiful family and my few friends, this awesome life? dang! got my job and the never ending guidance from Him. So what else could I asked for? Yes, I do still maintain my medication and yakult's highest paid actor rn plus the patience I gained in this journey😉. Looking back and seeing how far I've come makes my heart giddy🙃. Almost halfway there and still picking up the pieces of what's left in me but I know, I'll get there(wherever this life leads me)💯. I'm posting this to appreciate myself for being tough enough in facing the hindrances and getting through procrastinating times. I am and will always be grateful for everything. Yeah, I'm proud of myself. Here's to manifesting for greater life, healing with time, more of being independent, still not growing up🙄but growing old🙈and for a stable and peaceful mind. Cheers to that😉.

11/19/22

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