#IVE BEEN SO STRESSED OUT AND ANXIOUS THAT I HAVENT EATEN A MEAL IN. FUCK. FOUR DAYS | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fluffyblue-multifandommess · 4 years

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i am... not doing very well at the moment.

im only making this post because i always forget, when was i doing okay, when was i doing bad, when i was really really bad, and having these posts which are time stamped helps me figure this stuff out when i need it later.

anyways, yea, it’s been tought the past week or so, and I’m not totally sure why. part of it is i havent been eating enough, but also i think it’s that i have to make a big decision soon, or rather the decision is kinda already made and it’s going to change my daily life significantly, and it’s good thing because in the long term itll help me get better but it’s also scary and i also feel like i dont actualy have a choice whether or not to make this change because it seems like the only thing i can do to get better. its not really a choice when the options are “do this so you can get better, significantly improve your life and your chances at having the kind of future you want, OR just keep doing nothing and stay exactly where you are for the rest of your life”. and even knowing it will be a good thing, i am just so Not good with change. im scared that my Not Good-ness with change will actually make this thing completely ineffective in helping me because it’s just too big a change.

also im alone at home for 3-4 days and my dad left me with a big pile of dishes that i absolutely dont have the energy to wash which makes cooking significantly more difficult than it already is which means it’ll be hard to eat which means itll be hard to GET the energy i need to do the dishes, and the whole time they’re not done i will feel bad about it, and i will feel anxious that i wont get them done before my dad comes back and then he’ll make me feel even worse by commenting on my failure to do them. and ive been sitting in front of my grocery list and not a single item on it is an ingredient for an Actual Meal, it’s all snacks and stuff, and I can’t go to the store before I’ve decided what Actual Meal to buy for because once I’m there it’ll be too stressful for me to have any decision making ability, but i also cant seem to be making a decision right now, and also i’m so hungry because i haven’t eaten a real meal in I think 36 hours maybe more i can’t keep track anymore and ir eally need an Actual Meal but i dont have the energy to make one and i’m so hungry but it’s too early in the day to get fast food so idk what to do

and also i have missed out on every one of my therapy appointments for the past week because ive been sleeping at hours incompatible with going to the appointments, and only managed to cancel one of them, because it was the only one i had the means to cancel without needing to make a phone call, and this all just makes me really hate myself because im inconveniencing people and letting them down and letting myself down and fuck. i hate this.

and once again i feel compelled to end this post with an “i’m okay tho” to reassure anyone reading this who might be worried, because i can’t have people worrying about me because they can’t do anything to help me so it’s pointless for them to worry and just makes everyone feel bad and i hate that and i know i’ll be okay eventually but they dont necessarily know that and ive lost track of how this sentence was supposed to end so i’ll just say i have a therapy appointment on monday and i do think my sleep schedule will allow me to go, and in the meantime ill bury myself in m/necr@ft and d0wnt0n abbey, both old things (in fandom terms) that i have only just now gotten into because godsdamned did i need a distraction right now

#blue personal ramblings #vent post #anxiety posting

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