#It wasn't. As bad? The last few times?

[damiemontclair]

Is it ridiculous to think maybe this whole hospital thing and related business has mildly traumatised me? Is it ridiculous that I want to write about it in excruciating detail, just get the experience out on paper, on my blog, somewhere? It feels dumb but I want to write fic about it. I think it'd fix me.

#Still haven't really properly cried tho I am kinda tearing up as I write this #I'm not having a good mental health time rn ngl #The callous way some of the docs treated me; the way their sole focus was on reproduction without a single care for the hormones... #The generally terrible way I deal with surgery/post-surgery #It wasn't. As bad? The last few times? #I think I've also made myself forget a lot from the first 2 times #3rd time was more traumatising. #This last one tho... I never stayed for more than a night at the hospital. I never want to stay at a hospital ever again. #I never want to have surgery again #I swear if I have to do that again I will have my panic attack before they even put me under #It was so painful this time and people weren't listening to me at all when I told them the iv wasn't sitting right anymore #Nurses and doctors kept dismissing my opinions and wishes and needs.... #It was like as a patient you're less than human. #My arm is still bruised from where they fucked up their blood draws... #I'm so tired but I can't seem to rest #I'm so full of emotions but I can't seem to let them go and *cry* #Its like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop #Pls ignore me amd my rambles I'm just. Not doing too hot rn. #damie talks

[greyias]

All right! Time to start a brand new BG3 playthrough.

Step 1: Roll up a brand new character

There's so many other classes to play, so many other characters to smooch, so much I haven't seen--

FAILED STEP ONE

#grey's bg3 tag #bg3 posting #i didn't even last a fucking week #LOOK #look! #it's not my fault #i needed to re-experience the early days of act 1 #for... reasons... #and pulling up my old save files wasn't enough #(i tried it didn't sate the bug) #(the only consolation is that i managed to put off the epic ari twitch playthrough for like) #(a few more weeks) #(sorry i'm downbad you'll just have to deal with me and my hyperfixation) #oc: aravyn #she still utterly failed at helping us #just true to form failing all those rolls #but hey they got the fire blade this time around! #so she can smash bad guys with that until gale needs a gale snack #ari 2.0

[mariocki]

John Levene pops up as Gene Bradley's co-pilot on his private jet, called Tony, (John Levene's character, not the jet) in The Adventurer: I'll Get There Sometime (1.15, ITC, 1973)

#fave spotting #john levene #sergeant benton #doctor who #classic doctor who #the adventurer #I'll get there sometime #1973 #itc #classic tv #Gene's private jet crops up a couple of times in the series‚ yet another example of how he's the greatest everything that ever did anything #it had a copilot in the other eps but not played by John; this ep requires a few lines from the copilot so perhaps that other actor wasn't #considered good enough at reading dialogue? who knows. certainly not me (and Pixley don't write a bible about this stupid show‚ your work #is needed on better things!). little for John to do here except sit in a cockpit and trade worried glances with Gene about bad weather and #plane problems; this was a holiday episode for Gene Barry‚ with just these few token scenes to include him (presumably coming as a blessed #relief to the crew who‚ by most accounts‚ couldn't stand him). it also allowed Catherine Schell (who Barry had had fired) to quickly return #and shoot enough scenes for a couple more episodes; despite Gene B's meddlings‚ the American backers liked her and wanted more of the #character. so we get this episode in which Gene is waylaid in his plane for the whole ep and it's up to his helpers (Schell‚ Garrick Hagon #as the longest lasting Stuart Damon replacement‚ and Barry Morse's Mr Parminter) to do all the adventuring and save the day without Mr #Amazing. Parminter is a curious character; he starts the series as a sort of semi mysterious spy master who calls on Gene for favours and #often knows more than he's telling. abruptly his character shifts completely about half way thru the series and becomes a buffoonish #ministry type who stumbles through cases and fights and has to be shepherded by his long suffering subordinates Hagon and Schell #it's most dramatic here‚ where he's positively idiotic. you'd be tempted to think Morse was simply giving up or playing with the part now #the series was well underway (and Gene wasn't around to shout) but in interviews he actually complained about how the character was #lobotomised by the scripts‚ so this isn't coming from him. who knows? maybe the writers themselves were trying to tank the show #certainly nobody seems to have had a very good time making it (Gene B flatly refused to be interviewed by network for their dvd release..)

[fruchtchen]

just some guys

#jcs #지크슈 #my art okay #the crowned ted neeley and the michael lee were off references #and drawn a few weeks ago #the others i was trying to draw more loosely #last night when i was drinking #steve balsamo looks pretty weird because i erased his whole face and redrew it today #but this was my first time drawing zubin varla and think he turned out cute so i wanted to post The Set #also baek hyeong-hun looks like he's about to cry and that wasn't intentional but it is appropriate #jcs 1973 #jcs 1996 #jcs 2022 #i drew 2000 and 2012 and 2014 too but they all looked too bad lol #steve balsamo's face is actually killing me i messed it up soo bad

[thatonequeeraunt]

Honestly don't really think putting Aziraphale in charge of Heaven is going to make a meaning change

Saw some people make the argument that he's doing it in order to make a change to help him and crowley out by making systematic changes

But the Metatron already kind of prove that that's not the point. He said that Gabriel's hearing that the fall of one Prince of Heaven makes for a good story but two would be an argument for institutional problems. And the other archangels agree insisting that there isn't.

Putting forth for the new head of heaven isn't going to change any systematic problems it's putting a blanket over the problems and insisting that things have changed

Like putting in place a better prison warden doesn't change the fact that it's a prison

#I've watched the last episode a few times now and that's just my interpretation of what goes down #I don't believe a word of what the Metatron says to aziraphale #I think it is necessary for aziraphale to realize these systematic problems by being there #I think that's the whole part of his character development that his preconceived notions of Good and Evil #aren't as black and white and are as crowley and aziraphale said “shades of gray” #isn't that the whole point of the Body Snatchers bit coming to the conclusion that it will lessen the human suffering #and therefore wasn't as morally bad as he was led to believe #good omens season 2 #good omens #good omens 2 #go2 #gos2 #aziraphale #anthony j crowley #crowley #ineffable husbands #michael sheen #david tennant #I feel like you can argue Heaven and Hell in the go universe and the connection to #the prison industrial complex #or i may just be off my rocker

[zevrans]

changed my durge's appearance once again man the magic mirror is addicting

#her name's melenia btw! idk i'm bad at names 🙈 #i literally didn't know magic mirror was a thing since it wasn't in the pirated version i played so i was like ??? when i noticed it in cam #few days ago and was like hOLD ON I CAN DO THIS WITHOUT MAKING AN ENTIRE SEPARATE NEW PLAYTHROUGH???BFKGKGKD #i hope it's okay to use it frequently tho i hope it doesn't break anything?? because i feel like this is not the last time i'm changing her #or my tav if i load up that savebdlflg

[kamisatoayato]

this kills me whyd he have to clock durge like that immediately like omg shes trying to play bad cop idiot!!!!!

#did she try to murder you last night. YES. can we move on PLEASE. #this took me out so bad i wasn't expecting it all esp cuz id done this scene a few times before already #h.txt #h plays bg3 #bg3

[lith-myathar]

.

#ever find yourself over-explaining something you did because you feel like you're about to get in trouble? even if it's something innocuous? #and you're trying so hard to Not Get in Trouble you start to feel like you're lying EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE NOT #sometimes one notices a behavior and it's like ''oh yeah. i spent my whole childhood being constantly criticised and living on the defensive #and now any time i feel like i MIGHT have made a mistake #even if there's no reason to think i did #i'll start trying to prove it wasn't my fault and get out in front of criticism before it even happens'' #note to self to remember i do stuff like this next time im questioning how bad it actually was #i act in these weird evasive prevaricating ways for no reason #i feel like i have to hide something when there's nothing worth hiding #it's all these weird reactions to living for so long in an environment where if i DID do something wrong #the resulting harsh criticism and verbal abuse was so bad that i started to be hyper vigilant #and always looking for things to excuse whatever id done #it suckkksssss in adulthood because it makes you act squirrelly and weird (read: suspicious #to someone who doesn't understand that kind of anxiety) AND if you do genuinely make a mistake #it's really hard not to get extremely defensive bc you're expecting to be emotionally demolished if you admit you were at fault #it's not a gr8 behavior and i hate when i catch myself doing it #ive gotten way better about that one in the last few years but only because i now live with people who are capable of regulating #even when they are angry with me.

[moinsbienquekaworu]

The absolute indignity of begging uni administration for extensions and redos. The needle to thread between "I am doing so poorly please just give me this I'm at the fucking end of my rope" and "promise it's just right now though I'm going to get soo much better and be so normal for next time it's just this once". The way I'm sent into horrendous spirals about my self-worth and future every time I have a deadline.

#genuinely getting an epidermic reaction to assignments #i hate hate hate begging them to be nice to me #like guys. i know 'it's the bare minimum though'. #i'm in a foreign country living on my own for the first time #i've been struggling with undiagnosed/untreated adhd for like four years now at least #i've been crying over homework and assignments for fours years at least!! #this isn't even the end of my rope #the rope has been over for a while now #it's not the the last dregs of my motivation. i've been trying to make more motivation from those dregs for years #i'm so far past the end it's not funny #and masters applications.... #i want to live so so bad but every time i start thinking. what if i wasn't alive to be living through this though #like if say. i wasn't conscious for a few months. it'd all be over by then #fucking hell #and then if they don't grant me the redos i'm going to fail my year :) #and have to redo it next year at home #argh #the more i think about it the more i get less. viscerally disgusted by the concept #it's just... man i don't want my luck to be coming to an end #i guess in some ways it's admirable i've been pushing my limits this far and i'm doing so well outside of schoolwork #but nobody else except me my family and my friends see it like that #anyway. off to submit special cons again for another assignment. i hate this #wow i have a ramble tag now

[heart-bones]

I have been here one full day and I am already ready to go back to my apartment why am I like this 🙃

also please lord tell me what have I eaten that has completely ruined my stomach, I feel like I've been nauseous since I got here 😫

#i will get over it and be sad to leave in two days haha #i got to walk around the koreatown plaza out here and got snacks and milk tea w my sister #then we went to lunch w my parents 😊 #and grocery shopping #then lin left and my parents and i went to a few places for fun #we watched the last voyage of the demeter a n d everything everywhere all at once together #(finally seeing it!!!! it was great & loving and i cried) #(because of course) #my mom got up at one point and got dizzy she fell and kept falling and it was Really sudden and very scary #all the plants were knocked over and i was immediately screaming like an idiot #but i helped her up and we walked slow to the bathroom together so i could look her over and make sure nothing was too bad #she skinned her arm in a places - she's so skinny so it bled a lot which was also scary. #i may have immediately stress cried while i was helping with her and we sat together for a long time to talk #then my dad was So Upset so he had to vent #(i understand his frustration to a point but i also feel like he's holding everyone else to this standard in his mind - ) #(- of how they should “deal” with my mom having cancer - that my older siblings aren't “stepping up to help”) #(but he literally talked about my mom fading away and getting weaker every day like she wasn't sitting right next to him ???) #(and she was!) #i don't know MAN #i dont have things figured out at all but ot made me so angry and so sad #i know he is just feeling hurt and upset 🫠🫠🫠

[krownest]

my mum pretending like nothing happened last night which is like. modus operandi

she was asking where something was in the kitchen and then telling me about the soup she was making, which is like an olive branch

but i can't do this or at least not tonight like i just cannot

#i said i wasnt having dinner w them. i cant pretend like last night didnt happen or whatever #ig it's just too raw for me #and maybe im just being a big baby bc my mum threw something bc she lost her temper and it wasn't even at me so like. it's fine right? #(genuine) #but again idc. i am a fragile little flower and if my mum thinks that im bad at getting yelled at and not resilient or whatever #then she's absolutely right lol!! #(i also have to emphasise. i am not looking for an apology from her or anything. firstly bc its never going to happen and secondly #Bc losing ur temper happens to all of us. It's just that i need more time to process before i can act like everything is Normal again #krow.misc #sorry the posts have been so depressing of late. i was feeling better a few hours ago i promise (journaled for a bit)

[coldflasher]

not me thinking i'd finally started to find a good work/life balance where i could actually like. write and enjoy working on things that are fun and fulfilling while also keeping my head above water at work (aside from, y'know, minor details like the semi-frequent repetitive strain injuries and eye strain and also the fact my house is an absolute disaster 70% of the time) and then being violently humbled in my quarterly review by getting the worst quality score i've ever had in my 3 years working for the company...

#im genuinely mortified #like i know i bitch about my job a lot #but im genuinely pretty good at it #my last 3-4 quality scores have been really good. like. top end of the office average #and suddenly im 5 errors away from being given an official warning... so that's not great #to give u some idea. the lower the number the better the score. my last quality score was a 4. today i got a 25. #i have no idea how this happened?? #part of me is like... has there been a mistake. cos idk who edited that paper but surely it wasn't me. did i read it with my eyes shut? #my scores usually do take a dip in q4 cos i don't handle this time of year very well. but not THAT much of a dip jesus christ #my only saving grace is that if someone does that badly they do a few extra checks to see if it's a one-off #and on the next one they pulled i got a 6. which does make me look somewhat less bad #i ended up averaging out at a 14. so like. im still embarrassed but i reckon that's forgiveable #still. that's gonna be a fun Q4 meeting next week

[relicsongmel]

Why the FUCK do people always forget how to drive after it first starts snowing. How is everyone this stupid

#went to a nail appointment today and some dude literally CRASHED HIS TRUCK INTO THE BUILDING while i was there #i saw him make an odd swerving maneuver out of the corner of my eye through the window #didn't think anything of it at first. but a few seconds later i felt the whole building shake and i was like. SURELY NOT #the damage wasn't bad—he hit the wooden deck on the side. but man did it scare the shit out of me and everyone else #also while i'm here. just thought i'd mention i've been getting nails inspired by ace attorney characters for over a year now #taking a break this week to wear my favorite color that my nail tech ordered just for me. but i still have brainrot and GUESS WHAT #i may not have intended it but it's very franziska-esque. not a perfect match but it's pretty close #last time it was miles (for the 4th time might i add). before that it was raymond shields. next time will be justine courtney i think #mel's musings

[arataka-reigen]

You know, sometimes when you reach a low that is lower than your previous lows, that is when you realize you need to change your life and get some help

#i reached a bad low these past few months. i stopped taking my medication because i felt like it wasn't working so i just stopped. #also it was giving me a lot of bad side effects so i just couldn't keep going with that one #but i also refused to go back to the doctor to get a different one #my therapist also went on vacation so i had nothing for almost two months. and i started to tell myself i wouldnt go there anymore because i #didnt want to #but last night. the bone tiredness i was feeling because of a busy long day + insomnia + a cold im currently fighting + my damn period #all of that made me realize how fucking bad ive been feeling and i reached out to my therapist today. and ill go see the doctor soon. #gi talks #bear with me. i might disappear from tumblr for a while for my mental health. i've done it before and it helped a lot. tumblr is my escapism #but escaping your own life too many times can be extremely harmful to you

[kkujo]

and everything has consistently sucked since we got back from that trip.. not a week after that i got covid and was really sick the beginning of august was truly the last time i felt properly happy. word

#the past few months have just been. so bad idk i've been feeling so unwell and throwing up daily at times for like 2 weeks straight #it's been like. a week since i last threw up so i'm hoping it's done #but fuck man #it's been awful my anxiety has been through the roof my skin is terrible i feel so lonely #like. it's all just happening fr #on the plus side i've been finding a lot of comfort from small things.. going to the gym and watching my shows n making music #i'm so glad i can hyperfixate rn though bc. during like. my really low couple of weeks i couldn't hyperfixate #and it was genuinely hell bc i couldn't find comfort in anything and i essentially lost all interest in everything #i started watching nana during that time as like a distraction so that was nice but i couldn't focus on anything except feeling bad #now at least. i still feel bad but i have the comfort from my hyperfix 😭 been rewatching csm and it's making me feel just like #safer and comforted which god knows is what i need rn #idk i just. i wish i could go back to july man. i wish i never got covid i wish my mental health wasn't like this #it's just so fucking hard my god. it really is #and i'm trying i swear to god i'm trying to stay strong and take care of myself and not be terrible

[judahdenose]

I fully believe that Total Drama's biggest crime was not changing it's cast every season.

#from judah's brain #total drama #i think if Action and World Tour had new casts with a few favorites returned Revenge and Pahkitew would probably have been better receivef #i rewatched the First 3 seasons recently and i think Action is my favorite but i think World Tour is the best #i don't think the drama in Action is very good and i think they could have better custom tailored a cast to that setting #i think action should have had an all new cast and then later on Owen being added back in should stay the same #i also watched all of revenge of the island last night and i have thoughts #i didn't like it overall i think #i liked some parts of the cast #wish Zoey had personality lol i read afterwards that she was supposed to be the indie girl and that just didn't come up #which is not good for your final 3 #idk coming off of World Tour where almost every vote off feels earned it feels bad in Revenge where it feels like Scott is just destroying #i think the 13 episode seasons are also a limiting format and its sad to see that they're continuing with that even now #please tell me Ridonkulus Race is good? #i liked Dakota coming back as an intern but wasnt a huge fan of her being a competitor again #Also i get why they did it but i did not like the return of the legacy characters except for maybe izzy? Ezekiel should be dead #i think if the season had been 26 episodes it would have given more time to get used to the characters #i don't get why it wasn't #like i thought when i heard that it was because All Stars was produced as the second half of season 4 #but it wasnt! it was produced as the first half of season 5! #which makes less sense because why would you producers all stars as the first half of a season if you're planning on introducing a new cast #that you could add to all stars in the back half #Pahkitew should be Switched with All Stars what happened #why does revenge only have 13 episodes #even like 2-4 extras would have helped the season a lot #and i know that's not how they green light things #but its not like they were trying to reach syndication anymore they had already got there with Action #if Revenge had been 26 episodes they would have been able to package it and World Tour together for syndication #i dont understand the buisness decisions here