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winterscaptain · 4 years

Text

constellations.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader

a/n: as usual, an ajf fic that requires very little context. i’m so sorry this took so long!! i was busy thinking about how to quit my job this week and then KIRA CAME TO VISIT ME (we’re being safe and covid-conscious!) so this took a couple of days longer than expected. also - i see your beautiful messages! i will keep chipping away at them :)

you can expect the route 66 fic on tuesday at 11pm pdt!

words: 4.4k warnings: canon-typical discussions of violence, some mention of canon-typical sexual assault, language

summary: as hotch recovers from the explosion in new york, you find yourself more concerned than you expected. (au!2008)

masterlist | a joyful future master list | requests closed!

“The Angel Maker. I remember the case.”

It’s a fairly normal start to the week, with a case packed and ready for you at 10am. Aaron was out of the field for a week or so with his injuries, but his presence at the round table and the go bag you spotted beside his desk this morning warms you.

He’s back. Not completely, but that’s better than not at all.

“They caught that guy.” Reid’s flipping through the case file, but you know he’s got one ear open.

Rossi’s on the same page, and finishes Reid’s thought. “And executed him.”

“That’s right,” JJ says. “He was put to death by lethal injection a year ago yesterday.”

You release a little breath you were holding. “Yesterday?”

That’s a clear enough trigger for a fanatic. It wasn’t the first time you’d seen something like this, either with your tenure at the BAU or in previous case studies at the academy. It was always a little shocking - the lengths people go to complete the work of the devil they romanticize...

Derek throws a finger at you as if to say Exactly. “So we’re looking for a copycat.”

“Honoring the anniversary of his hero’s death.” Dave sits back in his chair, almost satisfied. You smile a little.

The confidence of a seasoned profiler.

Aaron catches your smile, and his lips pull just the barest amount. You shake your head, suppressing a wider grin.

Funny, isn’t it?

His brows tug. What?

It’s so...normal. And so predictable. You sit back, peering at Aaron over your copy of the file. He huffs (you recognize it as a laugh, though the rest of his face remains exactly the same) and turns his attention toward Reid, who’s still flipping through the file.

“It says here they found semen at the crime scene. Perhaps locals will get a DNA match through VICAP?” When you follow Aaron’s gaze to Spencer, you’re not surprised to see him already absorbed in the latter half of the report.

“See, that’s where things get weird.” Her face screws up. “They already ran it, and got a match.” She throws the file toward you, and you open it.

“If they already have a name, why’d they call us?” Emily’s confusion is swallowed up in your own.

“You’ve got to be kidding.” You look over at Hotch, who takes the file from your hands. “The match they got back on the DNA is to Courtland Bryce Ryan -”

Hotch lets out a sharp huff. “The Angel Maker.” You meet his gaze again.

This is going to be a weird one.

“Wheels up in thirty.”

+++

You lean against the back of Hotch’s chair, peering over his shoulder as ideas bounce around the cabin. He’s focused on Reid along with the rest of you as the younger agent spins a theory.

Derek’s the first one to question his particularly amusing line of thought. “Reid, you’re not seriously floating the idea of an evil twin, are you?”

“No. I’m floating the idea of an eviler twin.” Reid looks dead serious, and Hotch glances up at you. You shake your head a little, and he shrugs before restoring his attention. “Traditionally the concept is good twin and an evil twin. But in this case, it’s evil twin, eviler twin.”

You swallow a laugh as both Derek and Emily look at him like he’s grown three extra heads all at once.

Before any of you can say anything, Aaron’s hand rises to his forehead and his face scrunches up in pain. You place a hand on his shoulder from over the seat, patting him for his attention. “Hotch?”

He hums something that sounds like, “Yeah?”

“Are you cleared to fly?”

He sucks in a breath to cover a wince, and you take that as a no.

You sink your hands into his hair as he tips his head back against the seat with his eyes closed. The tips of your fingers find the little pressure points around his head, and you lean forward, keeping your voice soft. “Does that help?”

He nods, just a little, and you’re satisfied. You look at Derek over Hotch’s head, and he looks just as concerned as you feel.

+++

“I give you a legacy. A breath of life from the Angel Maker himself. Those who prayed to forget me will one day see my face and shrink in fear.” Reid recites aloud from the letter, and you listen with your head propped on your hand.

The sheriff sighs and crosses his arms. “That’s the last thing people need right now.”

“Reid, how does that compare with the original correspondence?” Derek ignores the sheriff, redirecting his attention to the letter and the genius holding it.

You jump on Derek’s line of thinking. “It can’t be authentic, can it?” You drop your hand from your chin and lean toward Spencer, feeling Aaron hover over your shoulder.

“They share some compelling characteristics. I’d obviously like to look at it under a magnification under a better light…”

Obviously.

Hotch’s voice almost startles you, right by your ear. “Best guess, Reid?”

“I’d say it’s authentic.” Rather than looking at Hotch, he looks at you. Your furrowed brow speaks for everyone present.

“How can it be authentic if the guy’s been dead for over a year?” Looking over at Hotch, you hope he has something better than paranormal speculation.

He doesn’t disappoint. “It could be an elaborate forgery.”

“Or,” Reid adds, “it could be a genuine article, just written before his death.”

You hum. “That's my favorite of the theories so far.”

The sheriff shakes his head, coming up on your other side. It’s almost comical the way you’re all crowded around the letter. “Mail here isn’t that slow.”

Derek’s the only one who hasn’t joined you. He’s still happily posted up at the desk, leaning against it with his arms crossed. You glance at him before offering, “Could have been released through an intermediary.”

“You mean the copycat?” Reid asks.

Nodding, you suggest, “He could be buried in those visitor logs - we’re checking them out now to see who visited Ryan and how often.”

Derek finally joins you. “That’ll narrow the suspect pool.”

Hotch flinches again and his fingers press to his brow as the front door opens, allowing the rush of a truck to sound through the room.

“Hotch?”

He waves you off. “I’m fine.”

Liar.

There’s nothing you can do.

+++

You’re with Derek in one of the interrogation rooms, going through letter upon letter from Ryan’s time in prison. “What happens if Hotch actually loses his hearing?” You can’t help the overwhelming notes of concern coloring your voice. “I mean, what are we going to say to Strauss? ‘Excuse me ma’am, if our unit chief goes deaf because he won’t fucking slow down, can he still be our unit chief?’ I mean - “

You shut your mouth as Hotch walks into the room. Shame floods through you. It was more than unkind to talk about him behind his back as it was, and here you were - broadcasting your worst fears about his condition to one of your closest mutual friends.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean -”

Aaron once again waves you off. “It’s alright.” He comes to rest beside you, and you reach for his arm in apology.

“How are you feeling?”

He shakes his head, and Derek leaves the two of you alone, closing the door behind him. Hotch looks over his shoulder, satisfied that you’re on your own.

“Dizzy. Nauseated. Tired.” It’s like a checklist - matter-of-fact and without bias.

You take stock of him. The cuts on his face are healing nicely, and the bruise on his cheek is fading. The bags under his eyes, though, betray the lack of sleep. “What can I do?”

He shakes his head with something that isn’t a smile if you don’t know him. “Nothing. Just keep doing good work.”

“I’m sorry,” you blurt. “I didn’t mean to be insensitive earlier.”

“I know.”

“I’m just worried, is all.” Your voice tapers off at the end of your thought, just a little embarrassed.

A little breath leaves his nose, and you know it’s sort of a laugh. “I know.” He presses a hand to your shoulder for a moment before diving into one of the boxes himself.

+++

Hotch walks quickly, and you keep up as best you can as he informs the sheriff, “I have to advise against this.”

“All due respect, this isn’t your town. I have to convince them that Courtland Ryan is dead and buried.”

Hotch glances back at you, and you shrug.

Small towns. Serial killers. What are you gonna do?

The cemetery is relatively quiet, the sleepy town waiting for something to happen with bated breath. It’s not like anyone would be taking late-night walks anytime soon.

His head tips, and you know he agrees. Nevertheless, he turns back toward the sheriff. “You’re indulging the killer by perpetuating the ruse he’s created.”

Nice. Five dollar words for the two-bit sheriff.

“He’s right. It may embolden him. Prompt more murders.” Emily says, watching the proceedings with a discerning eye. You can only agree.

The sheriff shakes his head. “Celia lost her only daughter to that murdering bastard. We met when I was working the case and had gotten close. I thought we were past all this, but...I guess I was kidding myself.”

The crane starts up, and there’s a sinking feeling that you’ve forgotten about something as the chains tighten and begin to lift the coffin. All at once, you remember and turn as Hotch steps away, his hand over his ear and the other pressed against his brow again.

You hover beside him, not sure what to do. Pressing your hands to his forearms, you do your best to shield him from some of the sound with your body.

He makes a weak attempt to wave you off, but his voice startles you. It’s so small as he insists, “I’m alright. I’m fine. Just -”

“Hotch -”

“I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay. Yeah.”

You don’t believe him for a second, but as the noise decreases, so does his agony. He removes his hands from his ears for a moment. He’s blinking rapidly, looking simultaneously dazed and far too aware.

“Aaron…”

He shakes his head. “Don’t. I’m fine. I’m okay.”

Your lips press into a thin line and you remove your hands from his arms. “Take it easy. I can’t make your life hell if you can’t hear me, alright?”

Your teasing has the intended effect, and he levels you with his signature glare that’s only halfway playful.

+++

“The victim is Maxine Chandler. The neighbors say she’s lived here her whole life. All twenty-eight years of it.”

The house is infused with the presence of children - play structures, toys, the whole nine. Aaron voices your thoughts. “How many kids does she have?”

“None of her own. She runs a daycare. The guy who called 911 came here to drop off his toddler and found Maxine in her bedroom.”

That’s an eventful morning.

“Well,” you note, “now that we have more than one victim, we can compare victimology.”

Hotch nods, and you meet his eyes for a moment. “Different data points should help us significantly narrow the profile.”

“I’ll get JJ to bring us the files on the first victim.” Morgan says, his phone already in his hand.

“What did you find?”

The coroner runs you through his findings, and they’re not much different from the first murder, but there is one notable difference.

“Nine puncture wounds,” Emily notes, her dark eyes roaming over the body.

You’re close to Hotch, watching them bounce off each other. It’s always inspiring to watch them. As close as you and Aaron are, you were deeply impressed but his professional relationship with Emily. There’s part of you that chalks it up to your age - they are only two years apart. They form their own little age bracket on the team while you, JJ, and Spencer make up the younger strata.

More often than not, the three of you were able to keep up with each other just like Emily and Aaron.

“Can I have your pen?” Emily asks.

“Yeah.” Hotch pulls the pen from his inside pocket, handing it over into her eager hands. “What is it?”

You wait as she doodles something into her notepad before her head whips up. “She did this.”

“What do you mean?” You’re not following, and you can tell Hotch isn’t either.

“The unsub. She made this before she made the puncture wounds.”

Hotch tips his chin, understanding. “That’s why the coroner found paper in the wounds.”

“It was a template. The Angel Maker did it from memory, but she needed a guide to get it right.”

You pull your phone out, already dialing Reid as Hotch says. “We need to go back and re-examine each of the patterns. Where’s Reid?”

“Spence. Hey. We have something for you.” You pass the phone and a little smile to Hotch, who takes both with a grateful look.

Emily watches the exchange, feeling suddenly like an outsider - almost an intruder. There’s something between you two, always has been, but this moment is such a clean-cut outline of it. You’re constantly anticipating the needs of the other, ready with a warmth and fondness at a moment’s notice.

She sees it again when he presses your phone back into your waiting hand. You take it and brush past him as he turns over his shoulder to follow you out the door. It almost looks choreographed. In fairness, you’d both done it what feels like thousands of times before.

When you pause in the living room, both turning at the same time when Derek calls for Hotch, a shadow of a thought crosses her mind. It’s gone before it’s truly there, and she lets it go.

+++

Reid’s finally cracked it, and you’re all crowded around him again as he explains what he’s found. He profiled the author, figured out the cypher used by the Aryan Brotherhood, and generally made use of his insane brain. The patterns themselves are constellations, woven into every aspect of their relationship.

You find a smile breaking out over your face as you listen to Spencer spin. Hotch leans over and whispers, “He hasn’t let loose in a while, has he?” You’re standing on his left, of course, just in case.

Shaking your head, you laugh a little. Emily’s looking at Spencer like he’s from another planet. She pokes him and voices the thought you’ve all had at least once. “He’s so lifelike.”

Her comment gets a laugh out of you and a smile out of Aaron. You’re warmed by it.

+++

You clear and search Chloe Kelcher’s house, staying firmly attached to Aaron’s seven o’clock position, right off his left shoulder.

“Alright. We all know what the endgame is. She’s looking for her final victim. She may have already chosen one.” Hotch looks around, suggesting assignments with the flicker of his eyes around the house. “Let’s tear this place apart, look for anything that might tell us who she’s targeted.”

You follow Hotch and Derek into the nursery, noting the stars on the ceiling. The crib captures your attention - the carefully placed onesie indicating the pain of a woman in denial. Your brow crumples, and Aaron steps up beside you, nudging a couple of stuffed animals out of the way as a cursory search.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just...thinking.” The trigger is as clear as a neon sign, and you’re sure much saner people would break down like this at the loss of a child. There’s a silent prompting as he stands beside you, waiting for you to elaborate. “I dunno. I can just see how someone close to reasonable would be in bad enough shape after something like this, not to mention someone as unstable as our unsub.”

He sighs. “It must have devastated her to think that she could hold on to Ryan by having his child and then lose the baby.”

Derek hums from across the room, joining the conversation. “Completing his murders became the only way she could hold onto him.”

Something strikes Aaron then - something intangible. He turns and opens the trunk in the corner of the room. Its contents pull your upper lip up in disgust.

With a dubious pair of eyebrows, Aaron notes, “Not the only way.”

“Guess that answers that.”

+++

You reach the final victim’s house, and you can only hope you’ve made it in time. Hotch immediately assumes authority, leading collaboration between the BAU and local law enforcement. He assigns Derek to find an opening into the house, while he directs the sheriff to bring all the cars to the front, no lights.

He finds a megaphone for Emily, and you take your place at his left side, crouched to take the low firing point through the car’s open window.

“Hit the lights,” he directs, and they do.

All at once, it’s bright - nearly daylight. Emily starts talking, and you’re singularly focused on the front of the house. The windows, the door, and the curtains are all within your purview. You glance up at Hotch, who glances down at you. He unholsters his weapon, and you bump his hip with your elbow and return your attention to the front of the house

“Go into the pouch next to my extra magazines.”

You can sense rather than see his frown.

“Just trust me. Open it.”

His left hand finds your belt while he continues to scan the area, unclipping the pouch without looking. You hear a huff of laughter as he finds what you left for him.

“Put one in your right ear and don’t argue with me.” Your voice is still low, but you dropped into the tone you learned from him, only half-joking.

He rolls his eyes and stuffs the foam earplug in his bad ear before unholstering his weapon.

“Door,” you warn as the front screen opens.

“Chloe. Drop the gun.” Aaron’s voice is heavy with authority, and the sheriff backs him up.

The world slows down when she raises the gun toward you all, and the sheriff fires. Despite the earplug, Aaron immediately collapses, dropping his service weapon at your feet and covering his ears with his hands. You holster your weapon and turn toward him on sheer instinct.

You retrieve the gun, checking the safety and slipping it into your waistband. When you return your attention to him, he’s almost folded completely into himself, pained groans leaving him. Rossi beat you to him, half-holding him up, but he shifts Aaron to you when you reach them both.

“Aaron.” You wrap him in your arms and he takes some of his weight as his feet get back under him. He leans into you, and you do your best to support him. “Hotch, are you okay?”

He reaches out, finding your arm and gripping tight. You stay steady, almost in tears. It’s agonizing to see him in pain.

“I’m okay. I’m okay.”

Liar.

+++

The next day, it’s decided he’ll drive one of the cars home, instead of taking the plane.

You laugh as Derek throws the keys at Spencer. Hotch steps up beside you, throwing his go bag in one of the cars. Going out on a bit of a limb, you ask, “Want any company?” You keep your voice low, just in case anyone’s listening.

First of all, you don’t want to out yourself in front of your colleagues - they all know how much you care about him and you don’t want them getting any ideas. Second of all, you know how Hotch gets when he’s alone too long.

He raises his eyebrows for a second, but Dave interrupts his thought before he can share it with you. “Why don’t you two drive together? It’ll be a better trip with some company and you can’t stand the rest of us for more than three hours at a time.”

Hotch snorts. “Fine.” He looks over at you and you shrug and throw your go bag in the backseat with his.

“I’m good with that. What are you thinkin’? Straight through, or are we taking a the scenic route?”

Dave pipes in again. “I think a couple of days could do you both some good. It’s been a long few weeks.”

You and Hotch look at each other. You look back at Dave. “Good idea. See you Tuesday?”

He nods and joins the rest of the team in the other car, slipping into the passenger seat.

+++

The car is quiet for the first half hour or so. You’re driving - it’s the only way Aaron can hear you in the car, so you’ll probably nap or post up in the backseat when it’s his turn to take the wheel.

You glance over at him before you hit the state line. “You’re thinking very loudly over there.”

A smile pulls at his lips. The heel of his hand supports his cheekbone as his elbow rests on the window ledge. “Am I?”

“Mhmm.”

He shrugs a little. “It’s weird not driving.”

“Ah. So that’s why you’ve been silent for the last…” you check the clock on the dash, “thirty nine minutes.” You’re teasing him and he knows it, but it’s also loaded with questions.

There’s silence, and you wait for him. It’s another thing you’ve learned about him in the last year. Sometimes he’s quiet, but he never avoids you for long.

“I’m thinking about Kate.”

There he is.

You prompt him a little, intrinsically knowing he needs a direction. “Did she have family?”

He nods. “An older sister. She’s flying in from London for the service, but their parents are gone and she wasn’t married, so...that’s it.”

Still looking at the road, you reach out, wrapping your fingers around his forearm. “I’m so sorry, Aaron.”

His hand covers yours for a second. “Thanks.”

You pull back, adjusting your grip on the wheel. A question pushes at your lips, but you roll it around in your head before you really consider asking it aloud.

“You can ask.”

Your head whips toward him for just a moment. “What?”

“You can ask,” he repeats, the shadow of a smile crossing his face. “I know you want to.”

You concede with a little chuff. “Fine. What happened between you and Kate?”

“In what sense?” He’s totally fucking with you, and you shove at his shoulder.

“You know exactly what I mean.”

He shakes his head. “Alright, fine. There was…” he searches, “a moment when she and I were finished working together on the Scotland Yard case that something...happened.”

“Something?”

“Well,” he amends, “nothing actually happened, but let’s just say she had a couple too many and made her intentions very clear.”

Can’t blame her for that one.

Yeah, and that’s why we don’t get drunk with everyone else. Shit happens.

You glanced at him, suppressing a smile. “So what happened?”

He shakes his head, and there’s a sort of dry humor in his voice when he answers,“Obviously, she was pretty out of it, so I took her back to her place and made sure she was settled for the night with a glass of water and some aspirin.” A smile cuts through his huff of laughter. You’re not surprised to hear mourning in it, too. “She was miserable in the morning, and called me to ask what happened the night before. I may have...very loosely implied that something small might have happened, just to save her the embarrassment.”

He pauses, and you know he’s a little reluctant to be this vulnerable - you’re almost sure he never expected to tell this story to anyone, let alone you.

“The attraction was mutual, so I didn’t feel too bad about omitting the consequences of her…” he searches for a word again, “forwardness. It was - is - something I respect about her both personally and professionally.”

“Did you ever tell Haley?”

He shook his head. “I told her the truth - that she needed some help getting home, I set her up for the night, and came right back. She wasn’t thrilled, but she and Kate got on well enough that she didn’t mind too much. I think she was more annoyed that I got home so late even without a case, now that I’m thinking about it.”

You laugh a little. “That sounds like her.”

“She wasn't always like this, you know.” His voice takes on something a little more pensive, and you settle deeper into your seat to let him know you’re listening, even if your eyes hardly stray from the road. “We had a ridiculous amount of fun together when we were younger - first married, I was fresh out of law school, everything ahead of us, and all that.” He heaves a sigh. “It’s really only since Jack was born that things got...bad.”

He pauses, thinking for a moment. “I wish I could explain the work to her - I sometimes wish she could see it, even though I never actually want her to see the things we see every day.”

You keep your voice light, understanding. “I get that. It can’t be easy knowing that we’re your family, too, and even that’s difficult to explain.”

There’s silence, and you know there’s a tacit agreement in it.

His next comment comes a little from left field, but it makes you smile. “She likes you, by the way. She really does.”

“Good.” You glance over at him. “I’m glad.”

There’s something he wants to say, and you raise your eyebrows expectantly, knowing he can see it in your profile.

“Would you want to come over sometime and spend some time with Jack? I -” he exhales, and tries again. “It’s sometimes...weird to have him all to myself.” He laughs a little. “I almost don’t know what to do with him all day when it’s just the two of us.”

A real smile breaks across your face. “I’d love to.”

He nods, satisfied with himself. “It’ll be nice for Haley to see you as well. I know she feels a little cut off these days.”

“Understandable.”

Another bout of silence fills the car. It’s comfortable. Safe.

“Thank you,” he says, after a long while.

You look over, letting your eyes wander down his profile for a moment. “Of course.”

+++

You stay at a little motel off the highway, pulling over after about four hours on the road. It’s only a little ways back to Fairfax, where you’ll drop him off at home before returning the car to Quantico, but Rossi’s right - it’s nice to take some time.

In two separate double beds across the room from each other, you wish each other good night in the dark.

+++

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shenglingyuan · 3 years

Text

title: the second chance we didn't ask for (ao3) pairing: gojo satoru/geto suguru both satoru and suguru are free from the prisons that bound them, but returning to life is another matter entirely.

The Zen’in estate boasts of its wide space and multiple residences, a feature Satoru is able to take advantage of. After being released from the Prison Realm with a death sentence hanging over his head, there really isn’t anywhere he can go. Suguru’s case is worse, of course, this death sentence is his second one. He might have been able to take back control of his body, but it doesn’t erase the crimes he and that ancient sorcerer did while residing inside him.

If it was up to Satoru, he wouldn’t drag Megumi into this any further. The boy — now the undisputed leader of the prominent Zen’in Clan — insisted, owing it to the fact that Satoru kept him and his sister under his care when they had no place to go to.

“Sorry for troubling you, Clan Leader Zen’in.”

“Please, Gojo-sensei, you should be the last person calling me that. Besides, I’m an accomplice anyway.” With the passing of the years came Megumi’s mastery of the Ten Shadows Technique, granting Satoru this freedom. “The last place they’d look for is their own backyard, won’t they?”

“That’s smart. Your teacher must be really great.”

Megumi ignores his lousy attempt at a façade and jabs directly at the issue at hand, “How is he?”

For a moment, Satoru’s shoulders seem to drop, but he immediately straightens up, as if that moment of small weakness was but an illusion.

“I don’t know, but I’m working on it. No worries, he’s no threat with me around.”

“I’m not worried about him.”

Time didn’t pass for Satoru inside the Prison Realm, but the world has moved on without waiting for him. He looks at Megumi without having to lower his gaze, smiles genuinely, and reaches out to ruffle the boy’s hair, “So responsible already. Don’t worry about me, either. I can handle this.”

Though the Zen’in estate is big, Satoru and Suguru had to reside in one of its smaller, unused quarters, leaving them with a small space with the living room, the kitchen, the dining room, and the bedroom altogether. At least, the bathroom was a separate structure on its own, albeit it’s not big enough for comfort. Satoru thinks this is still better than none, besides, with this arrangement, he can keep an eye on Suguru all the time.

Suguru isn’t too keen on the fact that he’s being guarded, but it’s not like he can put up a fight either way. That ancient sorcerer’s plan released all the curses he had so far collected and left him with very basic ones. He did try to resist before, almost at the cost of their small quarters, but without his previous arsenal, he isn’t much of a match for Satoru.

“Keeping me here is pointless.”

It was the first conversational sentence Suguru drops several days after they have settled in the Zen’in estate, spoken over a lukewarm cup of black coffee. The television blares unintelligibly on the corner, its volume never loud enough to be heard beyond the walls of their small room.

Satoru looks up from his own cup, just having dropped the fourth cube of sugar in it.

“The world is after my head,” Suguru adds.

“They are after me, too, don’t think you’re so special.”

“You’re a vital member of the Gojo clan… No matter how the higher-ups seem to hate you, if you just bring my head to them, they’ll have to forgive your previous offenses. There’s no use in keeping me here, I’m a criminal.”

“I need no forgiveness. Not from them.”

Suguru ignores the implication. “Just kill me already.”

“Death is not the only path. You’re just being a coward, Suguru.”

“What? Do you want me to spend this second life repenting for all the lives I took? I still don’t care about them, Satoru.”

“Repentance? Both of us…we’re beyond that. You’ve killed people. I’ve brought people to their deaths. There’s already too much blood in our hands.”

“Then should we die together?” Suguru smiles — it is anything but sincere. Satoru has almost forgotten what his real smile looks like.

Satoru drops another cube of sugar. “We will, but not anytime soon.”

Satoru sleeps next to Suguru, not because he hopes to form some intimacy through contact, nor to make sure he will not run away in the middle of the night, but because there are times where terrors unseen haunt Suguru’s slumber, Satoru would need to hold him down lest he ends up hurting himself. He used to keep the distance as well, sleeping on the couch, but after one close call, Satoru didn’t want to take another chance.

It was also during these moments where Suguru’s walls are at their lowest, and they could have a semblance of a proper and civil conversation.

“What is it this time?” Satoru asks, almost an involuntary response at this point, his hand already smoothing Suguru’s hair, rubbing circles down his back.

“He’s trying to creep in again.” His voice is hoarse, low, almost inaudible, as if in fear that when he speaks loud enough, the nightmare will turn into reality. “He says…this brain is his…and he can return anytime he wants…”

When Suguru is like this, Satoru can hold him close without being pushed away, and so Satoru does, wrapping Suguru tightly between his arms.

“You’re stronger than him, you took over him. That bastard won’t own you again.”

“If I die, it’ll finally be over.”

“You won’t die. Not on my watch.”

With the small space and bare minimum mode of entertainment, Satoru resorts to watching movies with Suguru to pass the time.

Well, to call it ‘watching with’ is too much of a stretch.

“What do you want to watch today?” Satoru asks, as usual.

Suguru doesn’t respond, as usual too, remaining seated on the corner of the bed, always seemingly creating as much physical distance he could between the two of them. Whatever closeness they would have during Suguru’s nightmares dissipates as if it never existed in the first place.

Satoru eventually gives up with a sigh, picking a 2008 horror movie from the selection this time.

“I’m guessing you haven’t seen this yet.”

He loads the disc onto the player, then settles himself on the end of the small couch. It’s some sort of an unspoken invitation, one that Suguru never entertains.

The film plays, the film ends.

It’s a daily cycle.

Every now and then, Megumi drops by personally, providing them with their daily necessities. In this situation, his Ten Shadow Techniques are particularly useful for hiding the things he brings them, only pulling it out once he is within the four walls of the small quarters. They can’t be too careless, after all. Whenever Megumi arrives, Satoru takes it upon himself to do the cooking and even sets aside a portion for Megumi himself.

“How is it outside?”

“Curses are still running rampant,” Megumi says, his tone as if still a student reporting to his teacher. Nevertheless, his bearing has become more and more that of a clan leader, “There’s quite a lot, so it will really take some time.”

The responsible person is quietly laying down the bed — whether he is truly asleep or just pretending, Satoru just lets him be. The sizzle of the oil as he pours the ingredients onto the pan fills in the momentary silence.

“And how is being a clan leader?”

“I think I can understand why the late elder Naobito was drinking all the time.”

“Haha, now don’t go picking up his habit. You’ve got a former clan head before you here, just ask for my help if you need it.”

“I feel like Kamo-san would know more about being a clan head than you.”

“Was never one to deal with family politics anyway.”

“Don’t worry about the affairs of the Gojo family. Okkotsu-san is making sure your family won’t lose its place.”

“I knew I could always rely on the new generation.”

“But Gojo-sensei, many of us still do rely on you.”

“A habit that must be changed.” Satoru turns off the stove and transfers the food onto the prepared bowl. “It’s for this very reason the incident at Shibuya became possible.”

His eyes wander to Suguru’s figure then, and he notices how tense the other man’s shoulders are. In fact, they really haven’t talked much about that time. The ancient sorcerer knew of Satoru’s weakness; Satoru wonders if Suguru himself came to realize it.

“No, I mean...,” Megumi seems to want to say something else, but in the end, he just sighs in defeat, “Never mind.”

“Don’t be thinking too much. Here, have this,” Satoru gives him a bowl of the freshly cooked stir fry, “Added some extra ginger especially for you.”

He takes another look at Suguru —— he doesn’t seem to be planning in joining them. In the end, Satoru decides to eat dinner with Megumi. It’s only when Megumi bid his farewell and left the room did Suguru finally move, only catching a glimpse of his retreating figure.

“Your dinner’s ready,” Satoru tells him, “It’s still a bit warm.”

Suguru stays seated on the bed, his eyes still at the door. “Megumi, that kid, he looks oddly familiar.”

“Remember Zen’in Toji?” A frown forms on Suguru’s forehead, his lips pursing rather unhappily. Satoru immediately quips, “Well, Megumi’s his son. Megumi didn’t know anything about his father’s shady business, and they were left without parents, too, so I took him under my care.”

“He seems to be quite dependent on you.”

“Is he? That kid hates asking me for help.”

“When he said many of them still rely on you, he was probably referring to himself. I know that tone.”

“From where? The two kids you had with you?”

Suguru suddenly stops responding. It’s apparent that the topic of the two girls is something he didn’t want to talk about. Though Suguru never told him about what happened, Satoru has been able to connect the dots from the first report of Suguru’s crime to the time he showed up in Jujutsu Tech to declare war.

But still, he wished that Suguru can tell it to him in his own words. There’s so much that happened in the last decade, cleaving an immeasurable distance in the space between them — an emptiness about the people and things and circumstances that shaped them to be the people that they are now.

“It’s funny though,” Satoru tests the waters, trying to fill the gap starting from his own side, “Back then, we said we’d run away together with Amanai if she wanted to. We failed on that part, but—”

“We still ended up babysitting,” Suguru continues for him, the tension on his shoulders replaced by a sudden weight, “I guess Riko-chan got the best deal out of that incident.”

“The girls—”

“I’m not hungry.” Suguru cuts him off immediately, lays back on the bed, and turns around, covering himself with a blanket. He obviously didn’t want to talk about his own share of babysitting, so Satoru lets the conversation go.

For now, Satoru bottles his many questions —

Why did you run away?

Why didn’t you force me to come with you?

Why didn’t you tell me all the things that have bothered you?

Why did you suffer with your thoughts in silence?

If I tried a little harder, would you have come with me?

There are so many things to talk about, many things that can’t be talked about. Patience is one of Satoru’s virtues, and when it comes to Suguru, it becomes the greatest.

Many times, he catches Suguru staring at his own reflection in the mirror…no, not at his reflection, but the wound lining his forehead. Satoru isn’t as skilled as Shoko in terms of healing others — the skull is intact, the wound is gone, but the scar remains, a reminder to them both every single day.

“Does it bother you?” he asks.

It takes a while before Suguru replies. “A bit.”

“A full bangs will hide the scars.”

A small smile starts to form on the edges of Suguru’s lips, but it disappears in a flash, replaced by a melancholy look on his face, “Mimiko and Nanako would have loved to see that.”

“Are those…their names?”

“…Yes.”

The girls he saved and raised throughout these years, to whom he exchanged his status as a sorcerer to be a curse user, just so he can provide them a better life. After all that’s happened, their place is still big in his heart. Not a single ash could be recovered in the ruins left by Sukuna, and so Suguru mourns with only the memories the girls have left him, memories his body was able to keep despite death.

Later in bed, Suguru weeps quietly. Satoru holds him. In between them, there is silence.

Satoru loads a 2009 suspense thriller this time, one that he himself hasn’t had the chance to watch yet for some reason. With a bowl of popcorn in tow, he settles himself at the end of the couch.

The film starts.

Just as the title appears, he feels the couch shift.

Satoru holds his breath, turns to look —— Suguru sits next to him, his legs already crossed comfortably.

“Mind if I watch with you?” he asks.

Satoru smiles, offering him the bowl, “Not at all.”

The film plays. The film ends.

And by the time it does, Suguru’s head is already resting Satoru’s shoulder, and Satoru’s head on Suguru’s. The positions are so familiar even though it has been over ten years since they were last together like this. The credits roll and neither of them moves.

“It sucked.” Suguru is the first one to speak.

“Sure did,” Satoru lets out a laugh, “Want to watch another one?”

“Let me pick this time.”

“Your call.”

“Satoru.”

Suguru calls out his name in the dark, certain that he is still awake. Satoru turns. In the dim light, he finds Suguru staring up at the ceiling, seemingly lost in thought. His nightmares have been recurring less and less, and at times they can go a whole night with a peaceful rest.

“Can’t sleep again?”

“No, I wanted to ask you something —— Why didn’t you chase after me?”

Memories of Shinjuku are still vivid in Satoru’s mind, especially the view of Suguru’s back getting further and further away from him, his own outstretched fingers curling into a fist. Looking back at all his years, it’s the only time he has ever felt so helpless. Shibuya can’t even compare.

“You didn’t seem to be the type to be swayed if I held you back.”

“And after that? You’re a jujutsu sorcerer. You have the responsibility to clean up curse users like me. Why didn’t you chase after me?”

“I didn’t want to be the one who kills you.”

Suguru turns to face him then, his expression solemn, “Yet you did.”

Satoru can’t help but reach out, running a hand over Suguru’s left arm. If there’s one thing he’d give that ancient sorcerer credit for, he fixed up Suguru quite well. “It was beyond me already. You declared war. I was under orders.”

Suguru doesn’t shy away from the touch, but neither does he reciprocate. “And what about now?”

“You and I are both fugitives. No need to follow some stupid higher-ups.”

“Freedom?”

“As free as we can be in this small quarters, yes.”

Ironic as it is, what Satoru just said was true. Step out and their tails will be chased by jujutsu sorcerers, stay in and they can maintain this pretense of liberty. In any case, it can’t be worse than staying inside the Prison Realm or being controlled by some ancient being.

“Back in Shibuya, many people died.”

“Trying to make me feel guilty?”

“Not at all. I just wanted to ask what you think of it now.”

Satoru ponders for a while, then with a sigh he says, “Can’t be helped. It’s regrettable, but it’s not like I’m a god. That brain knew me too well —— Do you still hate them? Non-sorcerers?”

“I don’t know. It used to be my fuel, but I’ve spent it all. Now I’m just…drifting.”

“Drifting isn’t bad. We can drift together over this sea of blood beneath us.”

A small laugh escapes Suguru’s lips. “Satoru, you really are so foolish. Because of me, you got sealed. Because of me, there’s a death penalty over your head. Why do you even still stay with me?”

What value does one Geto Suguru hold that the great Gojo Satoru can turn his back on the world just to be by this person’s side? Shouldn’t have it been obvious by now? Satoru can’t put all his heart’s contents into words, and so he reaches for Suguru’s hand instead and places a soft kiss on his palm.

“I’ve let you go twice,” he whispers, his breath warming Suguru’s cold hands, “and they both turned out to be very bad decisions.” Satoru looks up, meeting Suguru’s astonished gaze in the dim light, “I’m not letting you go again.”

Despite the chaos unleashed in the world, humanity still observed festivities, especially something like Setsubun as it concerns the cleansing of evil spirits. It also happens to be Suguru’s birthday. Upon Satoru’s request, Megumi drops by their small quarters and brings them food apt for the occasion. Satoru takes it from him with much gratitude and prepares the table, inviting him to eat with them.

It is a bit awkward, after all, Suguru has never really interacted with this young Zen’in clan head. His uncanny resemblance with Fushiguro Toji also rails up his fight-or-flight tendency, as if his body remembers the person who quite turned his world upside down.

“What?” Megumi suddenly asks him, the boy’s own shoulders tense, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Nothing,” Suguru offers a weak smile, “I was just reminiscing — I fought your father once.”

Megumi visibly relaxes, very much unlike when he asked the same question to Satoru over a decade ago. “Apparently, I did, too.”

“Apparently?”

“I didn’t know he was my father at that time. I just came to know recently.”

“He’s crazy strong.”

“That he was.”

“Satoru looked after you?”

“He occasionally dropped by, but he’s no more a parent than my negligent father.”

“Hey—,” Satoru tries to butt in the conversation and save his reputation—

“No wonder. I thought you’re too good of a person to have been brought up by this nuisance.”

It’s useless.

“I heard that.”

“I was only speaking the truth —— Fushiguro Megumi, isn’t it? I apologize for imposing on you,” Suguru’s tone shifts, his fingers wrung together on top of his knees, “I don’t have anything to offer in return, I even had your sister caught up in all this mess. I can only thank you for letting me stay here unnoticed.”

“I’m no saint, I also have my personal biases. And I didn’t do this for you. Since Gojo-sensei asked for it, it’s nothing I can’t do. Besides, my sister’s issue has already been resolved, no need to hold onto things that are past. Just…whatever your issue is, please deal with it yourselves.”

Just in time, Satoru finishes laying down the food on the table, a small cake with a single candle lit on top taking the center spot. His eyes meet Suguru’s, his lips curving up in a soft smile. “Don’t worry, we’re already working on it.”

“We can be like…I don’t know…rogue jujutsu sorcerers or something. There are too many curses running about, I’m sure they won’t notice us if we do clean up some. We'll be doing them a great favor, too, you know?”

In the end, the two of them decided they can’t stay in the Zen’in estate forever. Sprawled on the bed, they’ve been discussing how to move forward with limited resources and a death penalty over their heads.

“You’re too noticeable for us to keep lowkey.”

Satoru suddenly stops, not failing to hear Suguru’s use of the word “us”. A sudden warmth blossomed in his chest, like the first ray of sunshine after a long, arduous, winter. It’s the onset of spring within his reach.

“Maybe if we eliminate all the released curses, they’d provide us both amnesties.”

“I released them, remember? The moment anyone from the jujutsu society sees me, I’m as good as dead.”

“I won’t allow that, of course.”

“No need to be so gallant. We can just run away after.”

“Where to?”

Suguru doesn’t even miss a beat when he replies, “Anywhere.”

“Gojo-sensei, are you sure about this?”

Under the cover of the night, three silhouettes huddle in an obscure corner of the Zen’in estate.

“We don’t want to overstay our welcome either,” Satoru smiles.

“You won’t,” Megumi assures him, “You’ve taken care of me for nine years, after all.”

“Then I’ll come back to settle the rest of your debt when things calm down, okay?” Satoru reaches out to pat Megumi’s hair one last time, “For now, we’ll have to deal with our lives on our own.”

“Please don’t die,” Megumi says with a stern look. “And please don’t get yourself sealed again.”

“Who do you think you’re talking to?”

With a final farewell, Megumi retreats back into the Zen’in estate.

It’s only until his figure disappears that Satoru finally turns around and faces Suguru. He stretches out an arm, reaching for him. The weak moonlight brings an almost glittery sheen over his hair, reflecting the galaxy on his eyes. The sight is so beautiful it’s almost breathtaking — they haven’t been out for a while, and now, in just a few steps, it will be the road to freedom.

Together.

“Let’s go?”

Suguru takes his hand.

#satosugu #goge #jujukai #i write sometimes #au where megumi is clan head wwwww #also a few years time skip

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x--daughters-of-darkness--x · 3 years

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TAYLOR MOMSEN OF THE PRETTY RECKLESS ON HER BATTLE CRY FOR LIFE, “DEATH BY ROCK AND ROLL,” OVERCOMING TRAGEDY, AND HEALING THROUGH MUSIC

“Without this album, I don’t know where I would be right now, I don’t know if I would still be around. I was that low.” Death, tragedy, substance abuse – in the 4 years since her last album for The Pretty Reckless, to say Taylor Momsen has been through a lot would be an understatement. After the passing of her long time friend and collaborator, Soundgarden’s Chris Cornell, who tragically died while touring with the band, followed by the death of their producer Kato Khandwala, her album “Death By Rock and Roll” essentially became a lifeline for her, pulling her out of a deep depression, where she had lost all hope or desire to live. She was brought back by listening to her favorite heroes including The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and The Who, while songwriting her way back to life. What has been borne out of her darkness is an incredibly mature sound, a more sophisticated look, and soulful personal awakening that has skyrocketed the album’s title track “Death By Rock and Roll” to No 1 on the radio charts. The full album was released on February 14th, hitting No 1 on iTunes in the United States, UK, Australia, Canada, and more.

The Pretty Reckless was never the average rock band by any means. Since forming in 2008 they have had the distinction of being the first female-fronted band to have back-to-back No. 1 singles at the active rock format and the first female-fronted act to have five No. 1 singles on the Billboard chart. Momsen’s last album “Going to Hell” released in 2016 crashed the Top 5 of the Billboard Top 200, including three No. 1 hits – a feat that had not been accomplished by a female-fronted group since The Pretenders in 1984. With over half-a-billion streams, The Pretty Reckless have headlined countless sold-out shows and toured with the likes of Guns N’ Roses. “Death By Rock and Roll” marks a new era for the band, as they continue to propel themselves forward despite the pandemic or any other obstacle that may have been in their way. “I think anytime you go through loss and trauma, and one hit after the other, when life is just feeling like it’s beating you down… it forces you to grow up whether you want to or not.” Momsen was “reborn” wiser and stronger, with the music literally “pouring” out of her, “I think that this album is really, in my humble opinion, the best album we’ve ever made because it was created from such a raw and vulnerable, honest place that you can’t manufacture…”

The Untitled Magazine’s Indira Cesarine caught up with The Pretty Reckless’s frontwoman Taylor Momsen for an in-depth exclusive about her personal journey from darkness and tragedy to healing through music, how she navigated making a new album and music videos amidst the pandemic, as well as what has inspired her latest tracks, new look, and fiery, raw new direction.

I love the title of your new album “Death by Rock and Roll,” what was the inspiration behind it?

“Death by Rock and Roll“ started out as a phrase that Kato, our producer who passed and who was my best friend in the world, used to say all the time. It was kind of an ethic that we lived our life by, back in 2008 when we formed the band. It was this code of “Death by Rock and Roll” which was not morbid at all – it came from a place of “ live life your own way, go out your own way, don’t let anyone tell you differently – rock and roll till I die..”. So it’s very much like a battle cry for life. And when he passed that phrase just kept ringing in my head and I couldn’t get it out. It just made a lot of sense. It was the start of this album. I can say this is probably the first album that I had titled before I had actually written all of the material for it.

I understand you had back-to-back tragedies in your life between Chris Cornell and your producer Kato Khandwala both passing, did those experiences impact the writing on the album?

100%. Not to immediately get very heavy, but there is no way to speak about this record without talking about it. We were on tour with Soundgarden which was just the most amazing experience of my life. I’m the biggest Soundgarden fan in the world so to be opening for them and to be on that tour was absolutely incredible and then to have it end so tragically – a shock is an understatement. We were all just devastated. We were still in the middle of touring at the time, we were promoting our last record and we had another year of touring planned. We played a few shows after that but I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t in a good headspace to be public – I couldn’t get on stage every night and fake my way through a show when I was dealing with my own personal grief. So I took a step back and I canceled everything. I needed to go home to process this in my own time and not in front of the entire world. So we did that and left touring – which was not the best business decision but it was something that I really needed to do. Chris’s passing really affected all of us deeply. Soundgarden was one of the reasons we all bonded in the first place over 10 years ago. It was The Beatles and Soundgarden – so we were all going through it together. I started to write again and I was calling them [the band] and I was saying we need to move forward, let’s get in the studio – I have a few songs I don’t know what they are for, I don’t know if it’s for a record or an EP or just maybe nothing but let’s start doing something.

As soon as we started to put those plans in motion I got the phone call that Kato had died in a motorcycle accident and that was just the fucking nail in the coffin for me. I couldn’t process it. I went extraordinarily downhill very quickly into this dark headspace of just depression and substance abuse and everything that comes along with loss and grief and trauma. I didn’t really know how to get out of it. I think the bigger thing is that I didn’t know if I wanted to. I had kind of thrown my hands up into the air and was like “I quit life”. I felt like “everything I love is dead, I don’t see a future here” and that’s a really dangerous headspace to be in. To make a very long story short it took months and months and months for me to wrap my head around it and I still don’t think I have my head wrapped around it fully, but I finally got to a place where I needed music. I had shunned music for a while just because everything I listened to – no matter what the band or what the artist was – brought back some sort of memory that I wasn’t equipped to deal with – it all brought back some sort of emotion which was just too painful.

I finally hit, I don’t want to say a rock bottom, but one of the bottoms. I needed music again so I started by listening to what made me love music in the first place – the simple answer was The Beatles. I started by listening to the Beatles again and basically started from the beginning to rebuild my love of music from scratch, from the start. I started by listening to all the Beatles records from front to back and delving into all the demos and then the anthology and from that, it turned into Led Zeppelin and The Who and Pink Floyd and eventually leading to me being able to listen to Soundgarden again and have it bring me some joy instead of just painful memories. That was the turning point for me. I eventually started to pick up a guitar.

This record is very different from our previous albums in the sense that I didn’t have to try to write it. It just poured out of me whether I wanted it to or not. It was like I opened the floodgates and this record was just born. Normally when you go to write a record or write anything you have to search for inspiration. It’s a very tortuous process – not knowing if it’s going to come or not. In this case, inspiration had been pounding me in the face and I had just been ignoring it and repressing it. So when I finally opened the floodgates it was like a dam being broken. That was really the start of the healing process where I just allowed it to flow. I wasn’t writing with any purpose, like thinking anyone would hear it, or even thinking far enough that we would even record these songs. It was just something I needed to do for my own catharsis and my own healing process. That was the start of getting my shit together or at least attempting to. So as cliché as it might sound, this music is my life. Without this album I don’t know where I would be right now, I don’t know if I would still be around. I was that low. So it really does prove the point that music saves – and it has healing power, unlike any other art form, in my opinion. I think that this album is really, in my humble opinion, the best album we’ve ever made because it was created from such a raw and vulnerable, honest place that you can’t manufacture and can’t duplicate.

So what was the first song that came out of you as you were working on it? Was it 25? What was the first track that got you rolling?

“25” was one of the first ones. It was kinda a combination. “Death by Rock and Roll” the song was something we had been working on and started writing 10 years ago but never finished. That was something we revisited early on. Finishing the lyrics and finishing writing that. But 25 was certainly the first song that I had really completed. I wrote the song when I was 24 and we recorded it right after I turned 25. It was the first song recorded for the record. That was a moment where I was in a very reflective state. It’s a very autobiographical song in a lot of ways. Just me looking back on my life. I think everyone does when they have a birthday coming up! And going through my life, where I’m at now. Even though it was written from a dark place it’s actually quite a hopeful song. It tells my life story in a metaphorical way. When I finished it, I took a step back and I looked at it and I went, I think that this might be really good, I think I might have just gotten way better. I think I might have taken a step forward in my writing. That was the start that spearheaded the rest of the record. “Death by Rock and Roll” and “25” are the two that we really started with.

Having been to your previous performances and familiar with your prior music, “25” seems like a far more mature song in many ways. It definitely seems like you’re coming from a place that’s, I don’t want to use the word “grown-up,” but it comes from a far more sophisticated point of view. And with the music video, I feel like you pushed your work in a more sophisticated direction than you have in the past. It definitely seems like a turning point for you, that song.

Thank you, and I think it certainly was. That came from just all the shit we went through, I think anytime you go through loss and trauma, and one hit after the other, when life is just feeling like it’s beating you down – that eventually your not living in a child’s mindset anymore. It forces you to grow up whether you want to or not. I feel like I grew. I aged quite a few years in a very short period of time, I guess if you want to put it that way. Cause you know when you’re confronted with death and things like that are so heavy and so real, there is no avoiding them even if you as much as you may try. It ages you. It’s just a part of life. I grew up exponentially. I don’t want to say quickly – you know I started at 24 and I’m now 27 – so it took a while, but in one way it feels like it was overnight. I think that is a huge part of that, just a lot of growth that happened in my own life very quickly that just made me start seeing things from a wiser, more grown-up perspective.

I would have to say considering you started working at the age of 2, you probably already have a more experienced view of the world than the average person. The average kid does not start working as a model and actor at 2 years old or go through the things that you went through at such a young age. If age were the sort of thing we could quantify based on experience and wisdom you probably are much older than your years.

I hear that a lot, it’s something people have told me throughout my life, “you’re so much older than your age.” I always take that with a grain of salt. Yeah, I’ve lived a very strange life. It’s not exactly average, and all of those experiences lead to who I am now. It’s all a combination of growth. I only know me so to compare myself with someone else in retrospect, it’s like well am I older or am I younger? Somedays I feel like I’m 107 and somedays I feel like I’m a 2-year-old child again. It kind of depends on the day. I never really know what I’m doing. I’m just kind of living and trying to constantly grow as a person and grow as an artist and just better everything that I do. If the last thing was great the next thing has to be better. If we were on tour and we had a great show the night before the next shows got to be better! We have to keep moving forward. I think as soon as you start to feel stagnant or you come to a conclusion that this is the best I can be, that is the death of an artist. You always have to be thinking ahead and thinking forward. As soon as you’re comfortable I feel like that’s the death of art right there.

Yeah art often comes from angst.

Yes, art comes from everywhere! Look at any artist and any sort of pain or trauma. It doesn’t always have to be negative. Positive things that have happened in one’s life, that all is a part of who you are and you have to indulge all sides of that. You have to draw from all aspects of life and sometimes that means going to the darker sides of life, subject matters that are uncomfortable to talk about. If you limit yourself in any way, like I’m just going to write about this side of things or that side of things, then you’re stunting yourself. And that’s never a good thing. You really have to be an open book which is sometimes difficult.

What is your process for writing songs, do you do it in solitude or do you work with the band while you’re writing?

There is no process! Believe me, I wish there was, it would make it a lot simpler. The only kind of constant is that Ben and I are the two songwriters of the band and we write separately but we always come together at the end. The only thing that is consistent is that it starts with an idea, and that has to be an inspired idea. It can’t be something that’s manufactured. I could sit down and craft you a song, but that’s not the kinda art that I want to put out into the world. I’m trying to make something that’s going to last a lifetime, an eternity, not something that’s just going to be a fleeting moment. That can be a struggle sometimes especially now we’re living in such a fast-paced world. Something comes out and people have already moved on before it’s been released. It’s a very A to Z society especially with social media and the way music is put out now. It’s very single-based. Call it old school if you want, I still very much love the album. To me, the album is the highest art form. An album encapsulates a moment in an artist’s life. Sometimes it’s a long moment, sometimes it’s a short one, but it encapsulates a time period. Cherry-picking songs and singles have always been a challenge for me because it doesn’t tell the whole story. You really have to listen to the whole album from front to back to get the whole picture. I can’t write with people. There’s a lot of people who do writing sessions where you sit in a room with lots of people and brainstorm ideas. That has never made sense to me. It takes isolation for me. It takes time with your own thoughts. Sometimes the song can come in 5 minutes and that’s amazing when that happens. Sometimes you spend months or years working on something. So there is no process. The only constant is that it’s me and Ben and we have a really symbiotic relationship that just works and that’s just a very lucky and fortunate thing where we’re always in sync with each other.

You can definitely tell that when the two of you are together. You don’t even need to speak, you can tell there is a sort of unspoken communication.

We definitely have that going on, and Kato was a part of that. He never wrote the songs, but he was a part of that kind of symbiotic relationship. When the band formed, I met Ben and Kato at the same time. When the three of us met it was just this kismet relationship that none of us were expecting. You meet a lot of people in life and none of us were expecting to all just click in this weird way. We felt like we had all known each other forever. In past lives, in future lives, like ‘I’ve known you my whole life’ and were just meeting. That’s something that is just so lucky. It was a very weird thing to lose him. It felt like losing a piece of myself because we were all so close. There wouldn’t be a Pretty Reckless if I had never met Kato. I met Mark and Jamie shortly after I met Ben and Kato, but he was essentially the fifth member of the band he just didn’t tour with us.

Let’s talk about your track “And So It Went,” which I understand is about the state of civil unrest. Tell me about the inspiration for the song as well as the video where you are wearing that awesome pink suit?

It’s kind of crazy looking back at it now. The song was written and recorded way before the pandemic, so it’s insane to me how relevant some of those lyrics are in particular to what’s going on in the world right now. I think that’s something that happens a lot in art. Does life imitate art? Does art imitate life? I think it’s probably a combination of both. That song came about a few years back when I was feeling like the world was starting to feel a little off. You could just kind of feel that tug where civil unrest was starting and the world was kinda starting to go crazy. So then I wrote about it. It’s very socially driven, the song itself. I don’t want to get too detailed into it. I don’t like doing that with songs because I think it’s unfair to the listener. I just think that it takes away an element. I always say the music is mine, it’s like my child and it’s mine. It’s my baby and I raised it and I gave birth to it and all those things. But once you put it out into the world it doesn’t belong to you anymore. It’s like sending a kid off to college or something – you have to say goodbye and you know I hope I did a good job but now it’s up to you. Since the album is just coming out I don’t want my personal take to take the song away from the listener. It doesn’t matter what it’s about to me anymore, it’s about how you relate to it and how you connect to it, and how you associate it with your own life. That’s the pinnacle right there. I think it’s strange to talk about music. It’s not meant to be talked about, it’s meant to be listened to and everything I have to say is within the song itself. I don’t really consider myself a good speaker, I’m a songwriter.

You are a very good speaker!

Thank you, but you know what I mean. Everything I’m thinking and my point of view is the way I see things. It’s all in the song that’s all right there for you to interpret but it’s not my place to preach my point of view at you.

With regards to the video, I noticed that you had these contrasting personalities – the persona in the pink suit with the crown and then the persona of you with the fishnet headgear. What was your inspiration in regards to those choices of styling? I felt like there must be something specific that you were going for?

I’m not entirely sure where all of that came from but I was really specific about it. I don’t know if it came in a dream, but I saw it in my head. Like my songs, I spend a lot of time conceiving them, as well as the videos and picturing what they should be. Then you get on set and you have to shove it all in one day. It’s a lot of prep work of me mentally working out what this video should look like and how it should flow. It’s always kind of a challenge, especially with rock music, to make a video that feels like the song. You don’t want to make something that overshadows the song and you don’t want to make something that’s completely contrasting to it. You want to make a visual representation that accentuates the music and is somehow entertaining but also makes you think and maybe listen to the song again and take it from a different perspective. I was going through and watching tons and tons of videos and was like ok, what are the best videos? it doesn’t matter the time period. I was watching a lot of Madonna and Micheal Jackson and epics like “Thriller”. Videos that were really the turning point in the music video game and how can we attempt to make something that is that visually entertaining and still hold the integrity of the music and really just put rock music back on the map again. It used to be something that was so powerful but that’s kinda dwindled over the years. I wanted to make the rock video something that was relevant again. That’s my goal with all the videos we’ve made and the ones we’re going to continue to make. To make something that holds artistic integrity and also is entertaining at the end of the day. The suit idea came from watching Annie Lennox. Her song actually has a lot of strange structure to it and an outfit that fits that kind of powerful condition that the song conveys. I don’t think I’ve ever worn a suit in my life, and you can’t go wrong with Versace. The video featured a juxtaposition with kids showing innocence and violence at the same time and how you transform over the years as you get older. There are a lot of elements to it.

I have a feeling that a lot of people are going to try to read a lot into it, with the kids with the masks, you and the crown, and your sort of snaky persona. There’s a lot of strong references going on there that definitely could warrant all kinds of interesting storylines.

I rarely read comments so when I do and read someone who’s written a whole exposé on what everything means I’m like, that’s awesome! I love reading people’s interpretations of it, it’s so fun.

Yeah, it’s great to throw it out into the world to be taken in as they will.

Yeah, and make something that’s just fun to watch and goes with the song in the best way possible. I have a lot of different sides to my personality so reflecting that in a video is important. I’m not just one-dimensional. With “25” I was sort of doing the same thing – showing different versions of myself. A woman at a bar telling her story to a ghostly bartender and a woman on a jazz stage singing to this kinda absent and ghostly audience. The rooftop scene is essentially a woman on a rooftop waiting for her lover. In “25,” I really wanted to make New York City the love of the video because I’ve had a love affair with New York since I was a baby. It felt like that was the right thing instead of making it a person.

Are you currently in New York?

No, I’m back in Maine which is good, but it’s fucking cold in February. I miss New York desperately. Even during COVID – just being there a week and a half, even though we were working nonstop – just to feel a little bit of the energy again was like a breath of fresh air. I haven’t left Maine – we made the record here and so I’ve been in Maine for quite a while. I’m a New York girl. That’s where I primarily live but I feel like it made sense to stay in Maine during all of this madness.

Do you have a studio in your house?

I don’t have a studio but I do have a little recording setup that I’ve had to figure out. That was my biggest challenge of COVID was figuring out how to record myself from home because I don’t do that, I’m not an engineer. I write songs, I play the songs, I sing the songs. I am not a recording engineer by any means. I’m very technologically challenged. It was probably the first time I’ve opened a computer in 8 years while figuring out how to do a zoom meeting. Trying to record on the computer, I gave up on that really quickly. It just didn’t feel organic. I didn’t like it so I went back to how I used to record myself when I was young with my battery-packed analog four-track. That’s how I’ve been making all of the songs and recordings that we’ve done during the pandemic – which is probably not the easiest way, but it works for me.

Is the whole band recording at the house in Maine or are you guys separated and coming together to work on stuff, how do you have it set up?

No, we’re all separated. But we are all relatively close. The whole reason I got a house in Maine in the first place was because of the band. Ben and I live in New York but Mark and Jamie live in New England and our rehearsal stage is up here. We were supposed to be going on tour back in the beginning of 2020. After the record cover photoshoot which was back in March, I was coming back up here to rehearse. We were starting rehearsals and the pandemic hit and the lockdown hit. I just got stuck up here and decided to stay. I love Maine. Maine and New York are kind of the perfect juxtaposition of each other because one has such energy and one has such isolation – it’s great for when you just need to get inside your own head. I’m a huge Stephen King fan and it made a lot of sense for him that he had a place where he wrote all his masterpieces. And I have always loved England and have wanted to move to England, so New England is a good first step.

So you came to New York for a week or so and shot all of your videos back to back. How was that experience? Was it incredibly overwhelming to deal with that level of interaction with people and intensity? It must have been one extreme to the other to be in Maine and then to come to New York to work on all those productions.

It was like jumping into the deep end again. It was really fun though. Even though we weren’t playing a show and we were making videos – you know those drums are still real, Jamie’s still hitting the drums. The amp is still plugged in. It was almost a celebration in one way because it was the first time I’d seen the guys in over a year. That alone was just super fun. I’m such a hypochondriac, so the weeks leading up to it I was freaking out a bit about having to be around all those people. We took every safety protocol possible. We had COVID officers on set, with every test possible – 48-hour tests, 24-hour tests, 12-hour tests, and 15 minute testing on set. You were cleared before you were allowed in the building every day. It was a lot of prep work to make sure everyone was as safe as possible. Once I cleared that out of my mind, I just went into work mode. I almost got tunnel vision where I can’t see anything but what’s in front of me which is creating something amazing or at least attempting to. The fear of [Covid] kinda drifted away. My mindset went to art immediately. Once I’m in that mindset it’s hard to get me out of it. It was hard to come back to Maine afterward, I was on such an adrenaline rush. It took me two weeks to be able to calm down. To come back to complete isolation – like I was in the middle of nowhere on an island off the coast of Maine – it’s that remote. So to come back to that after all that excitement was a little like, I don’t know what to do with myself now!

Are you planning any interesting activations with the new album due to the pandemic with tours on hold? I’m assuming you can’t tour at the moment?

We can not. We keep booking tours and they keep getting postponed. So we’re kind of in the same boat as every other band right now, it’s just a waiting game. I just don’t know when it’s actually going to come back, I’m hopeful that it will be sooner than later, but who knows. I miss it desperately, so fingers crossed. it’s very strange times we’re living in and you got to ride out the storm.

Are you doing any virtual programming aside from the music videos and track releases?

It’s certainly something we’ve been talking about and depending on how the world continues to go it’s something that we’re considering at this point. But it’s not the same as singing in the room with a live show. It’s one night where your relationship with your instrument, the band, being on stage, that symbiotic relationship you get with the fans is unlike anything else. It’s like a drug, it’s like a high you can’t get anywhere else. During the lockdown, just to keep my creative juices flowing, I’ve been doing quite a few acoustic things on our own songs. I’ve done a piano version of “House On a Hill,” which is something I’ve been wanting to do for many years but had never gotten around to it. So in one way, it’s kind of a blessing in disguise where I’ve gotten to do collaborations and covers of songs which is not something I generally gravitate towards doing. I covered the “Keeper” with Alain Johannes and “Half Way There” with Matt Cameron. Most recently I was just a part of the David Bowie tribute concert. Things like that have been keeping me going. As much as I love acoustic guitar I’m desperately missing electricity! I’m looking forward to the day where I can just get back in a rehearsal space with the four of us. Let’s just start there where we can actually plugin and turn it up, because there is nothing else like it. The deprivation of that is starting to wear on me – like it is for everyone. I’m not the first person to say this. I think everyone is missing it. So fingers crossed for the future!

I’m really excited for people to hear this album. We have worked so incredibly hard on it and I’m so, so proud of it. I’m really excited for it to be out in the world and for everyone to be able to listen to it.

#Taylor Momsen #the pretty reckless #2021 interviews

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