#OH MY GOD THIS HURT ME SO BAD TO WRITE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sweetpascal · 4 months

Text

" never would have thought "

summary: having been friends for a few years, you never would have thought you'd lower your standards to fill that void in your life. no matter how many times könig has tried to prove your worth, you're too blinded.

warnings: !! ANGST !! (grab the tissues), könig tries his best, heartbreak, toxic situationships, rejection, no happy ending

wc: 2.2k

notes: i remembered about all of my horrible situationships and it somehow included könig in the thoughts ?? also, könig is NOT gonna act how you think he's gonna act. trust me. !! THIS WILL HURT !!

.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・.・゜゜・

for the third time this week, you got blown off. it was confusing to say the least. you were doing everything right; not making too many jokes, being quiet when it's necessary, wearing clothes you wouldn't normally wear to keep him attracted. but it all is continuously one note. you keep giving, but have never received once. you knew how stupid you were being. you saw the red flags clear as day. the only thing that scared you if you ended whatever it was between you two is that you wouldn't find another person to fill in that lonely gap. you reread the texts back and forth, eyes swollen from the tears you've wept.

him: can't do it 2nite. reschedule ?

you: oh.. yep ! that's fine with me ! maybe tomorrow ?

him: idk y/n, i told you we'll see. i'll talk to you later 👍🏼

a fucking thumbs up emoji. you were better than a thumbs up emoji, but you didn't care. you threw your phone down and sobbed harder in your pillow. you two weren't even exclusive. it was mainly talking, the occasional hang out and hookup, and that's it. a hand rubbing your back made you cry harder.

"i'm so fucking stupid!" you wailed and pounded your fist into the mattress. you lift your head up to face your best friend who has been by your side through literally everything. könig. the quiet giant who chose you as his friend.

"don't say that, bohne," he tuts. "he's just.. immature and navigating his way through life by taking advantage of women like you."

"women like me? y-you mean gullible, stupid, lonely, sensitive, insecure women?" you sniffled and sat up in your bed. "god, it's just.. why can't i find the one person that makes me feel good about myself. like romantically and sexually and emotionally."

könig pulls his hand away and repositions himself against your headboard. it pained him that you thought of yourself as those horrid, negative words. he never saw that in you, ever. he sighs deeply through his nose and gives you a small shrug. "what i think.. and i'm saying this as your friend.. but what i think, bohne, is that you never learned how to enjoy life alone."

you squint at him. "what.. what do you mean?"

he shrugs again and plays with the ring on his middle finger. you have a matching one that you wear on your thumb. "you're so scared of being alone that you'll take whatever you can get and that's not a good mindset. you know. i know it."

what he says rings true, but it didn't feel good hearing them, especially from him. it was embarrassing having him see the texts and hear your cries. könig has met your situationship twice in a social gathering. the first time, he immediately told you of his dislike for the guy. the second time, he didn't bother to look, let alone speak to him. and if a guy friend says another guy isn't good for you, that's your cue to cut ties and believe your friend. but you didn't want to do that. there was something so invigorating about him that you couldn't pull away from.

it's been about a week since könig has witnessed your unnecessary heartache. and ever since then, you've been texting him updates between you and your situationship. you called könig one night and he hears your breathless giggles and slurring words. you had been so excited to tell him about your date. it was at a bar. you bought your own drinks. you bought your own food. and the guy invited his own friends. and for some reason, you didn't see a problem with that as long as you were within his proximity. it hurt your friend, very deeply. he knows in his heart that you didn't deserve this treatment, especially from someone you're not even dating. your priorities should've been on better things and not someone who only calls you for a quickie and a half assed hangout.

there was a knock on his front door. könig stopped doing pull-ups in his bedroom door and planted his feet onto the ground. he combed a hand through his sweaty, messy hair and fixed his backwards hat. when he opened the door, he was immediately taken aback and in awe of your appearance. you were wearing a pretty sundress - one of his favorite's actually. the color accentuated your skin tone and brought out the color of your eyes too. speaking of your eyes, they were puffy and rimmed red. when you let out a weak whimper, könig said nothing else and instead gently grabbed your wrist, pulled you inside, and gave you a bear hug as he shut the door with his foot and leaned against it.

you sobbed and wailed and gripped his shirt so tightly in your hands that he was sure you were going to cut through the fabric with your nails.

"he.. he has a girl-girlfriend now," you sobbed and shook your head, the hammering of your heart not stopping and the butterflies in the pit of your stomach never going away. "he p-posted her! on.. on his in-instagram!"

with shaking hands, you showed könig his account. and there he was, arm wrapped around a tanned blonde girl wearing a hockey jersey and jean booty shorts. the caption was simply a kissy face emoji. könig tuts and continues to hold you in his thick arms, his eyes clenching shut as you kept crying in his chest. his heart cracked every single time a whimper spilled from your lips. this needed to stop, now.

"y/n," he whispered when your crying turned into painful hiccuping and sniffles. "you.. you need to stop doing this to yourself. and doing this to me, bohne." since the situationship finally cut ties with you, he guessed now was the time to clear the air.

your brows furrowed as you stared up at him. "what do you mean? doing.. doing what to you?"

könig felt bitter. bitter at the fact that you never saw him as a person and only a form of comfort. he lets out a small scoff and drops his arms to his sides, staring down at you with heartbreak in his eyes.

"you know when we first met, the first thing that drew me to you was how strong a head you had on your shoulders. i always told myself that you could do anything. and even if you failed, you would still brush it off like it was nothing and keep going," he tells you with a grimace on his face, one that he specifically reserved for people who have done him wrong. seeing that look on his face had you feeling nervous. "and then.. verdammte hölle.. you get mixed up in these messes and i'm always the one to pick up the pieces."

you were stunned. there no words to describe what you were feeling right now. how dare he try to put the blame on you? how dare he try to make this about him?

"you are my friend, könig. my best friend. that's what best friends are supposed to do-"

he laughs. he actually laughs in your face. "supposed to do? supposed to do? i am not supposed to do anything. it is not an obligation of mine as your friend to only be seen as a person of comfort. that is not who i am, verdammt noch mal!"

one thing about könig is when he's pissed, he'll slip into german. and by the looks and sound of it, you can tell that this man in front of you has reached his breaking point. did you really cause this?

"you're.. you're the only friend i have, k! there's nobody else whose been there for me like you have!" you're starting to get pissed too. why is he so upset over something you chose to do? it shouldn't have effected him, right? why is it effecting him? what's going on?

"that's exactly it!" his voice raises an octave higher. "this is what i have told you from the beginning, ja? you couldn't stand being alone, so you felt the need to-to, what? hurt yourself even more by going out with these stücke scheiße to forget about just how lonely and sad you are?"

now that one stung. you blinked back tears and shook your head at him. "how dare you?" your voice was cold and quiet.

"how dare me?" könig lets out a humorless laugh and crosses his arms. you try to ignore the fact that the action of him doing so has increased the size of his biceps. "how dare you, y/n? you have used me for your own emotional comfort over and over without even realizing how much it has pained me. you have been so blinded from these-these sad excuses for men from really seeing what was in front of you."

your eyes widened and you swallowed down a gasp. without being told anymore details, you knew where this confession was going. you shook your head at him again and pressed your hands to your forehead. "oh, no, no, no," you whispered to yourself. "this was not supposed to happen."

könig looks away from you and instead stares at his feet. "no.. it wasn't," he replies quietly. he didn't know what else to say. here he was, heart out in the open, as vulnerable as they come. it's either a make or break type of situation. his heart grew heavy.

you really didn't want to do this right now, but there was no other choice. after all of these harsh words have been exchanged, you might as well bite the bullet. you took a step forward towards him, and then another, and soon you're standing just in his line of sight.

"könig," you whispered and laid a hand on his tense forearm. your bottom lip trembled and your eyes got all glossy with tears. "you are my best friend, but.."

"yeah.. there it is," he muttered to himself with a sad chuckle. "but you only see me as such, ja?"

there was a tense silence now between you two. könig moved away from you, letting your hand fall from his arm. you sniffled and swallowed down the pitiful whimper that threatened to leave your lips.

"you don't see it, do you?" he looks at you now, and you burn under his gaze. "with every cry, every heartbreak, every episode, i have been there. but where were you for me?"

that was the question that finally made you break. you covered your face with your hands and turned away from him. you couldn't even lie to yourself anymore. everything he had said was true. the ache in your chest only worsened at the thought of losing the one good person in your life. when you turned around again, könig was holding the front door open. you didn't even hear him do that.

"bear," you whispered brokenly, tears freely sliding down your cheeks as you stood before him again, desperate for a reaction or for him to tell you that he was just kidding. "remember me? it's your bohne?"

bear and bohne, or bean, as he loved to call you. those were your nicknames for each other due to your height and size differences. the names stuck for years and even then, you two would refer to each other as such.

könig shakes his head at you, opening the door wider when you tried touching his arm again. "no," he mutters. "you were never mine to begin with."

and that was the final crack in your heart before it shattered into a million pieces. who would have thought that your dumb decisions could cause one of the worst heartbreaks you could ever imagine? you whispered his name again, so broken and pitiful. but he didn't bother to look at you. he instead closes his eyes.

"it's time for you to go now," he tells you, his hand tightening around the knob behind the door that you couldn't see.

when you try to call his name again, he opens his eyes. and right there, you see the tears threatening to fall. the slight tremble in his lip and the way he furrowed his brows and clenched his jaw to prevent a single tear to roll down his cheek.

"bitte," he whispers.

that was a word you understood very well. in the early stages of your friendship, having learned that könig was of german heritage, you made it a point for him to teach you german words and phrases.

please, is what he said. he was begging you to leave. in all your years of knowing him, you have never heard that word come from that man's lips. he has never begged anyone to do anything, ever. so hearing him beg you to leave his apartment and essentially leave him alone for whoever knows how long tore you up. you stood in front of him in silence one last time and finally got the courage to exit. the second your feet touched the tiled ground of the hallway, the door slammed shut and locked behind you.

later that night, you saw that he had blocked your number when you tried sending him an apology text. who would have thought?

#OH MY GOD THIS HURT ME SO BAD TO WRITE #it takes a lot of maturing to realize who was right and who was wrong #baby könig did not deserve that 😭#könig x reader #könig angst #könig

28 notes · View notes

inkskinned · 1 year

Text

i've been in pretty much constant pain for the past 4 months. i have a slipped disc. the mri this weekend finally confirmed what i'd already suspected. mostly, i just put up with it.

i've been in a pretty bad mental space since winter began. my brain is leaking out from between my ears. i just don't care enough to listen to the rabid wet whispering of hope. i'm mostly just bored of being here, the swaddled joyless apathy.

the back pain ebbs and flows, but it's there, so i take care of it. i do my physical therapy. i get in with a specialist. i'm lucky - there's no immediate need for surgery. it's bad, but it could be worse. when i talk about how i did it (it was a very bad sneeze), i usually start laughing. it's funny! i am never comfortable, but hey. i'm young. i'll bounce back, or so they keep saying.

i just found out it's not normal to wake up every night with a category-five panic attack. i'm lucky if i am still able to remember how to spell my name right. i spend my days in a weird blank haze, exhausted, desperate for respite - only to be unable to rest during the night. i say with a laugh - i really hate it when my mental illnesses start working together. i mean, sure. unionize. it's fine. i have lost all sense of myself. there's nowhere that's actually warm in my mind.

i feel bad how often i complain about my back. my friends immediately shush my apology. dude, you slipped a disc. continue complaining.

as a kid, i think i only really admitted to the bad things... twice. for some reason, when he didn't just dismiss it - it made my dad angry. he slammed a door at me. you're fucking ungrateful. what do you have to be sad for?

what an odd delight: the slipped disc gave me the oddest wave of relief. i'm allowed to actually hurt about this thing.

i have chronic conditions which aren't "real" things. i could write a novel on the weird ways people respond to my POTS & the rest of my fun physical acronyms. i am kind of ashamed to admit - i like the way it feels to be able to say well, because of a slipped disc. a slipped disc is a real thing. a slipped disc is serious and painful. there's diagrams and infographics about slipped discs. upon my diagnosis, they immediately offered me narcotics.

i haven't been able to get up out of bed for more than a few hours. i do less and less and less and less. i have started to sit down in the shower. sighing my way from deadline to deadline. this again. in one day and out the other. people tell me i don't really need my meds. i have run out of times saying i have depression, it's become almost transparent. it's so bad my therapist suggested meeting more than once a week, but i don't want to worry her, so i never finish setting up a second meeting. every creative spark in my soul has been entirely ravaged - but that's just capitalism, baby. i don't even take the day off of work. i just show up and do a bad job and get yelled at for it.

it's not real, after all. the pain is just imagined.

#spilled ink #warm up #is this clear?#i have chronic pain & illnesses which i will not be discussing on this blog #and i will say that the way i'm treated about those is often just as bad #but since i don't have the room to give it justice on this post #it's ... about that weird sensation of...#''oh this is a real thing that actually hurts people''#when u have spent ur life in pain and being told that pain isn't real #feeling like you are '''allowed''' to finally ACTUALLY feel pain #that sense -- oh thank god it's actually bad #idk maybe im a bad person #but sometimes i do like to write about. the actual symptoms of mental illness #and sometimes the Illnesses Do Make Me Think Bad Thoughts #so if this is weird just tell me i'll bring it up w/my therapist ig

701 notes · View notes

recitedemise · 6 months

Text

𝗠𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝗚𝗮𝗹𝗲'𝘀 𝘃𝘂𝗹𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗴𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗱𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗹𝗼𝗽 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲𝘀, 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗠𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗹𝗲 𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗽𝗮𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿. This lengthy headcanon will refer to canon dialogue from mostly Gale, sometimes others. Reader's discretion is very much advised. There will be in depth explorations into grooming, emotional abuse, heavy manipulation, and suicide.

First, let it be said that Gale, a mortal man, will always be the powerless one in his dynamic with Mystra. Of course, nearing forty years of age, he remains entirely responsible for his own actions, his own foul blunders and every hurt he'll cause, but it's important to remember who formed much of who he is: his goddess, his deity, and egregiously, his lover.

Mystra is power. Mystra is possibility. She knows what sway she holds over her Ioyal, vulnerable, and entirely mortal followers. In all ways that matter, they are but lambs she can steer and herd as she sees fit. She knows they can't deny her, and knows they'll never want to. Gale's sheer servitude and complete devotion; to the very quick of his bones, she lapped them up.

Gale: I was just... practising an incantation. Player Character: No, there's more to it than that. I know devotion when I see it. Gale: What can I say? She's—she's Mystra. I can't describe it, the need I sometimes feel to see her - to draw the filaments of fantasy into existence... Mystra is all magic. And as far as I'm concerned, she is all creation. Player Character: I didn't realize the depth of your devotion. Gale: Magic is... my life. I've been touched with the Weave for as long as I can remember. There's nothing like it.

Gale, orb in his chest, doomed to be eaten by the very thing he loves the most, still speaks so reverently of the goddess, of his lover that has left him to die. He conjures images of her memory—and she is all the while forgetting about his.

Minsc: Gale reminds me of vremyonni of my homeland. The man-mages of Rasheman. While the girl-folk go on to rule as wychlaran, Weave-touched boys were hidden away. Trained to work their craft in silence and secrecy. It is an old custom, not well-observed. In truth, I thought it born of caution after some catastrophe of wizardly men-folk of old. Now, I wonder if it was not done to hide them from Mystra, and the snares she sets for young and prideful boys, hm?

Tales of Mystra's treachery spreads far, leaving those familiar waters surrounding Gale's tower in Waterdeep. They whisper her name, afraid to utter it one time too many, suspecting, perhaps, that she'll show in their mirror like some Faerûnian Bloody Mary.

Talent rouses Mystra. She can see who uses the gift of the Weave and feel them, sampling whatever delight sings their veins as they pull from her domain. Not unlike a spider, she'll follows every tremor that strikes her as just a sliver more profound; and Gale, a prodigy, plucked the Weave's web to so garner her focus. And like some black widow scurrying, she surged down that ripple to prey on a boy. There, Gale, so impressionable, was just a mite older than twelve whole summers. He sat so stunned, beholding Mystra as she lured him into the cradle of her Astral domain. Bathed in her magic, pleasantly coddled within that glittering cosmos, Gale felt blessed in a way he'll struggle always to recount, no word, no language, fit to describe it. He felt chosen. He felt seen. And potently, to a child, he felt loved. Now, imagine a child experiencing something like that. Imagine what they'd think, how brilliant they must be when stood beside the rest. She told him he was gifted, made his heart swell not unlike a child's appetite for praise. She knew what she was doing by offering these morsels, by preying on a child's most delicate mind, and Gale, child prodigy, was already so awash in the idea that his value was in magic. Unfortunately, Gale, susceptible, had no way of squirming out of his goddess' grasp.

Reality: She's laid down the seeds to creep into his heart. When he's just old enough—seventeen's sufficient, she thinks—she stakes her claim and makes him hers.

Gale: My virtuosic talent once caught the eye of the goddess of magic herself, Mystra, who named me her chosen and her lover.

Gale is stunned when she takes him to bed the first time. (Is this really happening?) Mystra claims his mouth in a kiss, taking everything she knows he offers so willingly. Mystra, of course, is not so stunned.

Dream Visitor: An elder brain... one of the cruelest and most powerful creatures in existence, enslaved by mere mortals. Gale, tasked with Mystra's missive to sacrifice himself: This is it... I must do as Mystra commands.

Gale has worryingly low self-esteem beyond his magic. As already explored, his entire worth as a man hinged on and was built entirely off his talent as a wizard. He fought tooth and nail for any crumb of affection Mystra would offer his way, something she only gave him at all seeing his gift as a child. He wants her forgiveness. He desires it genuinely. He believes so firmly that he has wronged his goddess, buying into the idea that sacrificing himself will right his wrong. She holds such dominion over him, making him reduce his confidence in himself into a mere, trifling pittance; after all, she wasn't just his lover, but the patron deity he prays to. And regardless, Gale is a people pleaser, his initial acceptance of her missive coming as no surprise.

After all, Gale, at times, goes to incredible lengths to appease his audience. This habit, compulsion, impulse, whatever you want to call it, is a quality that was relentlessly exacerbated in his relationship with his immortal paramour. He wanted to content her, felt all he did was never enough, for as a matter of principle, he was oceans, leagues, and entire galaxies beneath her. Gale figures: well, how can a short-lived dalliance satisfy a god? He had to make her happy. Indeed, he'd done everything she'd ask. He'd bedded her how she liked, kissed her how she wanted, and of course, even said those words she'd said tasted best. She was his lover, a lover that never tended to his own needs and pleasures, and he fooled himself into thinking that's enough. He won't bend backwards for everyone, mind you, but if you're of the ones he would, he would stop at nothing to make you happy. After all, people pleasing is a way to keep oneself safe, a trauma response to sidestep discomfort, and though it achieves only a direly tentative peace, when that is all you've been fed, you will pursue it.

Gale did not want to lose Mystra; he couldn't bare the sting of it. And so, when Elminster visited him, Mystra's call for his death offered oh so callously, Gale, heartbroken, felt that part of him kick up. He couldn't endure the guilt, was so hungry for a chance to let his weighty heart breathe, even if it meant dying in the process.

At least this way, he'll finally do something right. At least this way, Mystra will forgive him, and all his friends will survive.

Gale: After I was afflicted with my condition, I locked myself in my tower for an entire year. I was inconsolable, wallowing in my self-inflicted tragedy. I'd given up on myself.

As a byproduct of people pleasing, Gale, too, is all too quick to accept all guilt. He self-deprecates, gaslights himself to a venomous degree, and twists his reality in so cruel a way as to make him the villain Mystra'd led him to believe. He self-flagellates himself, the first one in the world who will throw Gale of Waterdeep a mental punishment. Mystra's a goddess, after all, seen as utterly faultless, and twined so tightly with a being so mighty in esteem, Gale slipped into the role of the guilty often. When tied with anyone with grandeur like this, so immeasurable in their own self worth, it's important to keep in mind this: you are nothing but a prop in which to fulfill their ego. Gale was not Mystra's, not by a long shot. Rather, Gale was a tool, simply her mortal extension.

And he took every blow meant for her... a common and terrible habit for many people in imbalanced, ego-fueled relationships.

Gale's life beyond her wasn't something that interested her. She took most of Gale's devotion, manipulated his life to be her sole mantle of attention, for Mystra is not a goddess that shares very happily.

Indeed, long before his self-imposed isolation, this jealous deity did well at keeping him isolated.

Player Character: Picture kissing him. With tenderness. Then, with passion. Gale: I... I didn't think— Narrator: You perceive quick-fire embarrassment, trepidation, and finally... elation.

And so, cheated out of love, so reduced in his value as a man and lover both, suffice to say, Gale's slow to believe he can ever be loved. That's what happens when you're with someone so cold, consistent only in their infinite lack of respect. Gale looks at fondness, and he feels—confounded, to be sure. He thinks, is this truly mine to have? He doesn't know what to do, is nearly forty in game, and despite having lived decades devoted to one relationship, he feels, at the same time, entirely out of depth. To be frank, he greets it with embarrassment, like he's been caught red handed with something not his at all. He's like a child caught rummaging with his hand in a cookie jar, all this isn't mine to enjoy, not mine to indulge in, but he thinks, startled, but god, do I want. He wars with disbelief, uncertainty, and need, and in so many ways feeling utterly starved, with just a glimmer of affection, he falls fast into love.

Scenario: (And if properly romanced, it changes his world.)

Gale: In her (Mystra's) likeness, I used to read a thousand stories. She was beauty, wisdom, elegance, power... she contained universes. But now... it is hard to see any redeeming qualities in a lover who condemned you to death. I'd much rather gaze into your eyes than hers. Yours are capable of tenderness and feeling... No god could ever compare.

He says it with sincerity. There is such wonder, such love, and such awe in his eyes. He makes the act of kissing him feel like you've just reached into the trenches to but pluck him soundly from his ruin and despair. You think, Gale Dekarios, how unloved have you been all this time?

Gale: To know you love me for the man I am, and not the magic I command… none have loved me so purely before.

The answer is: entirely.

For so long, Gale thought love was simply being chosen. He knew nothing of being favored for the quality of his character, to be cherished and accepted even in those ways he fumbles and lacks. Again, his needs were seldom met, often treated with utter indifference by Mystra herself, and to meet someone so eager to treasure him, dote on him in a way his heart, his body is somberly new to, raptures his spirit and captures his soul. He's seen for who he is. He's... loved, desired for his silly quips, his easy smiles, and his growing affections. He bares himself to them, and in turn, they cradle his heart like something entirely precious. Gale thinks this has to be dream. He says, at times, you are more than I deserve.

Scenario: (But sometimes, he hopes too strongly and loves too greatly. As it always does, then, like he's once more wanted too much, he watches something beautiful slip right through his fingers. Of course, Gale Dekarios. Of course it does.)

Player Character: I didn't know you felt so strongly, Gale. Gale: Perhaps I should have done more. Been more charming, more flattering, harder to reach... but I was only myself, and sometimes that isn't enough.

They don't love him anymore. It breaks his heart. He hurts so much, so profoundly and deeply, and he doesn't realize that he breaks their heart in turn.

Unable to ever voice his feelings with Mystra in any way that amounted to much, Gale's a tendency to wallow, expressions coming off as potentially 'guilt-tripping' and even, on occasion, passive aggressive. Firstly: Gale NEVER means to manipulate emotions, and he's no intention of twisting anyone's arm, either. Fact is, Gale, never taken seriously when he'd bared his vulnerabilities to the Mother of the Weave, can end up saying just a little too much. He feels very deeply, and for most his life, seldom had an outlet for these weeping sentiments. He sometimes lets slip raw words and oftentimes heart-wrenching expressions; all the same, it's not so pitiful as to shepherd an outcome, but rather, is a gesture taken by a man so desperate to be heard. It may feel like scheming, but the truth is far, far greyer: feeling as though he's no right to share the depth of his heart, Gale simply lets it geyser out in a way he can't cork up. In ways he doesn't realize, he's adapted to this ache, passively reacting so his feelings can at least be seen and recognized—no matter how pitifully unwhole. With someone who values so little his thoughts... well, when he slips into these moods, one can hardly feign shock.

Situation: (And if no one shows him trust and tenderness, any true care in his character or worth, Gale gets swallowed up by how wronged he was.

He thinks: Let me be a god. Let no one hurt like me anymore.)

Gale: They only want us to serve them, pray to them...and ultimately, to die for them. But what if we didn't need them? What if we wielded their power instead and helped ourselves in all the ways they refuse to? I could make that happen.

Gale is not above anger, and as stated, he is not above pettiness; however, more than that, he is not above righting himself whatever wound he was struck. Gale, if not offered much by ways of affection, understanding, is made to believe that one idea that's lived growing in his mind: Gale Dekarios is far from sufficient; he has to be more. He has to be better. Gale, in such an unkind ending for himself, sips too desperately—and perhaps greedily, too, but desperately serves as a far better word—at that idea that he needs power. And so, wresting the Crown of Karsus for himself, he spites Mystra in his own way, becoming a god he feels is leagues better than she will ever be. Damn her thoroughly. Damn her ego, her power, and her endless indifference. He will serve the people, protect them, and in ways Mystra never could, better the world.

Situation: But as a god, he loses all sense of his kindness. Humanity. All who loved him leave him, and even Tara spurns the image he's become. With power, he's gained the respect he thought he always wanted... but in turn, he lost in even greater measure all the love he's known.

Endnote: But healing, knowing to forgive himself and knowing he's deserving of care simply for being Gale Dekarios will remain, always, the best path for him.

#HEADCANON.#Oh... anyway. This. Was. A lot.#And it was a lot for me mentally and emotionally to write.#So much of this hit home.#Gale isn't perfect. He can be petty and immature—a byproduct of not being all too good at venting his frustrations when #it gets to a point. He has very bad self esteem. He is not forgiving of himself and is too forgiving of Mystra.#He endured FOR DECADES the cold indifference of a goddess he called his lover.#I know people dog on him because he's a grown man with these hurts and traumas and responses #but just because his trauma manifested in ways you don't find palatable or hot or sexy #doesn't mean they aren't scars left by trauma buddy!!!#And quite frankly that bit about God Gale sounding vindictive and angry #yeah! SOMETIMES people who have so cold and uncaring and belittling a partner #end up angry. You shoved someone into a corner and hounded them for SO LONG. Don't start crying when they rear back on you and bite #I have a deep connection with godhood Gale. But obviously a healed Gale that finds love and acceptance in himself is so much healthier.#I'm rooting for you Gale (always).#So much of this was typed up with a lot of first hand experience so... to say this was a Gale exploration #as much as a way to navigate my own trauma is an apt one.#No two tales of abuse are alike of course. Gale's experience isn't my experience. But I can sympathize a great deal.#TL;DR: This meta post means a lot to me. K. Thanks.

68 notes · View notes

ywpd-translations · 7 months

Text

Ride 749: The last Straight Road*

(NdT.: same pun Kinaka always makes with his name and the word for straight road)

Pag 1

1: I....

3: Imaizumi-san!!

4: Go- good work!!

Good work!!

You were taking a long time for this lap

Pag 2

1: Yes, teh, I got a fl-fl-flat- my bike!!

Yessir!!

2: It's the tire!!

4: Only tires can get a flat

Ah- damn, yes, that's right

Right!!

6: I thought something like this might have happened, so I brought these

Replacement tubes, tire levers, and a pump. Use them

Pag 3

2: This is unusual!! I never thought Imaizumi-san was the attentive type – is it just for us!?

Yeah!! I thought first and second years were just not important to him....

3: You don't want to use the,?

We'll use them, thank you so much!!

4: You saved us, teh....!!

That's true

6: Ah, uhm... but..... Imaizumi-san

Earlier you said that

7: Sugimoto-san won't come”, what did you mean?

Pag 4

1: He retired

Pag 5

1: He's still displayed on the board, but

3: There's still time until midnight

If Sugimoto-kun....

4: Please leave the possibility open in case Sugimoto-kun wants to come back!!

5: Onoda insisted

6: Re... tired.....

Sugi..... moto-san....

Pag 6

1: He used up all his stamina and mental strength in his fight against Danchiku, and he was defeated

2: You didn't notice because you've been on the course the whole time

4: Ah... actually, when it got dark, Sugimoto-san and Danchiku-san passed us various times... teh

Huh!? That? So at that time-!?

5: You have no time to talk about unimportant things

As soon as you're done with the repairs, run, first years

6: Soon

Pag 7

1: Waa, ye-yes, teh, thank you for the tools

Yeah, there's still 40km

2: If we join our strengths....

Don't cooperate

5: Teh!?

7: From now on, you can't allow yourselves to run like friends

8: Huh....

Our “buddies” stickers.....!?

You have to fight

Pag 8

1: And win the last spot to be an Inter High member!!

Pag 9

1: Fa.... ight....

2: Against.... Kinaka-kun

3: Against.... Rokudai

4: 35km left!!

Gooo!! Kinakaa, Rokudaii!!

Do your best...!!

5: I feel like they'll be able to run the 1000km!!

Amazing!

Ah, but there was no distance between them just now?

Pag 10

1: Fight....

2: The spot as a regular in the two-times national champion, Sohoku....

3: I can't take it by just being friendly....!!

4: And also

5: There's Sugimoto-san's wish!!

Pag 11

1: Wa- wait, please, Imaizumi-san

But.... if in this training camp the condition to become the sixth regular was to finish the 1000km first....

2: Then why did Sugimoto-san and Danchiku-san race!?

4: I came here to give you a message from Sugimoto

5: I think, I think it's necessary, you know

Sohoku is a team that connect and support each other

6: Just like during our first year, you, Naruko, and Onoda, connected your wishes and aimed for the goal

7: And last year Kaburagi ran with Aoyagi-san and carried the team until the mountains on the third day

8: So I think we need it

9: Our third year Inter High members

Pag 12

1: Definitely need a “first year”!!

3: Even if he knew he was making his own situation worse, he thought about the best shape for the team would be

4: He accepted it, and fought

Pag 13

1: For the fifth place

3: Among the first years, those two are left, I look forward to see what they do!!

That's too much food

4: Danchiku probably understood it, too

That's why he fought with all his strength

6: Now you two have to run with the weight of those expectations on your back!!

7: Fight, against your opponent and against yourself!! Use all your strength

Pag 14

1: And pull to yourself that last jersey!!

2: Straaa-

Pag 15

1: Straight roaaad!!

2: - traight!!

3: …. ngh

Ugh.....

4: Kinaka-kun.....

5: Don't cry, Rokudai!!

Pag 16

1: What are you doing, oi!! I'll leave you behind like this!! I'll tear you off!!

If you give up, then it's lucky for me!!

2: My goal has always been the Inter High jersey!!

To get back at those senpai who made fun of me!!

3: To show it to the Onii-san who taught me how to ride bikes!!

So, for that....

6: So I'm telling you not to cry!!

Pag 17

1: But, Kinaka-kun....

It's that your “Straitgh road”, wasn't fast at all....!!

4: You knee? It's your knee, right?

Since when? Since a while ago?

5: Since when we were at about 800km

Pag 18

1: It's a race, Rokudai

2: You should have told me, teh

I didn't notice, teh!!

3: I'm such an incapable former manager, teh....

4: Since when I lost to you in the first years' race

6: I've been thinking that I would definitely not lose the next time we race

7: Even though the truth is that I don't really care about that anymore

So, once again...

Pag 19

1: It's a race, Rokudai!!

3: Let's do it, Rokudai!!

I can't, teh

4: Race me, pedal!!

I don't want to, teh....

5: Fight me!!

I won't pedal, teh

Pag 20

1: Because, if I fight you now, Kinaka-kun, I'll end up winning, teh

Pag 22

1: With that kindness of yours, support our senpai during the Inter High

#yowamushi pedal #yowamushi pedal translations #yowapeda #yowapeda manga #yowamushi pedal manga #yowamushi pedal spoilers #ride 749 #the tags arent enough for the essay i want and need to write about this chapter #most painful chapter but also one of the best chapter of the whole manga imho #IVE BEEN CRYING SINCE YESTRDAY WTF WATANABE HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MY BABIES #YOU NEED TO PAY FOR MY THERAPY NOW #kinaka and roku's relationship is probably the most wholesome in the whole manga i love them so much #and this chap HURT SO BAD OH MY GOD #kinakaaaaa you're so strong for this ;A; the way he didnt want to tell roku about his knee bc he knew that roku would break #the way he even tried to provoke him to push him to race!! and he says he didnt want to lose against him again! but!!#He actually doesnt care about that anymore!!! hes just doing this for rokudai!!!#And rokuuuu!!! baby boy ;A; hes the purest boy ever!!! He didnt want to win like this against kinaka he didnt want to leave him behind ;A;#leave me alone im gonna cry forever ;A; (no actually dont leave me alone keep me company in my suffering plz)#page 21 is forever ingraved in my soul #even tho imaizumi told them not to cooperate in the end they did support each other until the last moment ;A;#(on a lighter not im happy that we finally have a reason for the race btwn sugimoto and danchiku - they both knew the team needed a first #year* so only one of them could be on the team)

95 notes · View notes

ewwww-what · 2 months

Text

I like to think that Gorgug hangs out with the seven the way Zelda hangs out with the bad kids. You know that horrible awkward feeling where you only know one person at a party? It’s like that but everyone else at the party is inseparable and they keep teasing you (in a good-natured way) with jokes you don’t understand, and all you can do is smile and nod and try so hard not to embarrass yourself in front of these people you perceive as way too cool for you.

#every adventure group has to have a weird guy who dates a weird guy that’s just how it goes #please oh my god the seven going ‘way to step up Gorgug!!!’ when he calls Zelda from Sylvaire #the fact that they love Zelda does not give Gorgug a single ounce of immunity from being teased #and Zelda showing up at Mordred for moving day #and all the bad kids just accept her being there no problem #like clearly they hang out at least a little #please I really really need someone to write something about them it’s hurting me #save me the seven. save me. the seven please. save me.#I need more content of them so so bad I am STARVED #part of the reason I want donospring to stay good friends so badly is because of this idea #weird ex girlfriends and their respective friend groups that mix just a little #fantasy high #the seven #the seven maidens #d20 #d20 fantasy high #d20 the seven #zelda donovan #gorgug thistlespring #donospring #txt post

47 notes · View notes

synonymroll648 · 1 year

Text

from a vibes perspective, i totally understand why so many people look at keefe and go ‘this guy would be the male equivalent of a wine aunt when he’s older’.

but. but.

taking lore into consideration, in my heart, he’s terrified of alcohol (even if he tries really hard to hide it). because. like. his first exposure is almost guaranteed to be through cassius, and cassius canonically threw a glass extremely close to him at least once when he was, like, 8. maybe cassius wasn’t always extra nasty when he was drunk, but there’s gotta be a correlation in keefe’s brain between risking getting seriously hurt (emotionally or physically) and alcohol consumption that’s really hard for him to shake.

#tw alcohol #tw child abuse mentions #lmk if there's more trigger warnings i should put #i have a thing for hurt/comfort lmao #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #this is brought to you by:#that one fic my brain started writing internally where it's sophie's 21st bday and she's like man i #have saved the world so many times we've all lost count. i want a fucking drink #and keefe's internally like OH GOD OH FUCK in a bad way but externally he's like yeah babe whatever you want!!#and then she's like. i don't wanna do anything super stupid though. and drinking alone is super stupid when you've never drank before #will you stay w/ me? please?#and keefe's like. i cannot say no to that face #so he spends the night doing an increasingly bad job of hiding how bad he's freaking out #because sophie is a safe space and alcohol is not safe and he doesn't know how to deal w/ the two colliding #ESPECIALLY since sophie's just getting dorkier and sweeter as her filter goes down instead of throwing insults or objects at him #(i feel like sophie would be the kind of drunk that's very impulsive and says EVERYTHING that comes to the forefront of her mind #and stellarlune was more than enough to prove that she sees keefe and a lot of the time her brain just goes hnnngh soft little tortured #artist. MY soft little tortured artist.)#yeah but even intoxicated sophie can tell something's wrong even before he flinches super obviously at an empty glass falling over w/o #breaking. and so she's like nah man it's hurt/comfort time and he's like BUT YOUR BIRTHDAY and she's like do you really think i'm #gonna just let go of the fact that i know you're stressed? i'm not a dickhead keefe #so yeah it ends in cuddles. because of course it does #keefe sencen #annnnd out of the drafts this goes. post!

106 notes · View notes

mirrortouchedsea · 5 months

Text

Day 5

Madara is running, mind trying to keep up with everything that just happened. Take a left and then a right, there’s a contact there that can help. He feels blood dripping down his arm but he has to keep going. The shouts behind him are getting louder so he takes a left instead of a right, hoping to find a place to hide for a moment and catch his breath.

He has to make it to the meeting point and get his arm checked out before his date with Leo later. If he has to cancel again over this… He’ll make it. He has to.

Madara must have bled more than he thought at first. He’s stumbling and it’s harder to breathe and he almost doesn’t notice when he runs into someone else until that familiar voice cuts through the fog.

“Mama? Mama are you okay?” Why is he here? Did he have something going on? Madara tries to turn around, find a different place to hide. He can’t talk about this right now, not with Leo. Leo grabs his hand and Madara is too weak to pull away.

“I’m fine, Leo-san.” The shouts that were following him seem to be getting quieter. They must have taken the bait. He relaxes just a little bit. “I have somewhere I need to--” He collapses before he can finish, everything goes blurry and he has to force himself to focus on Leo’s voice. He can tell that someone’s speaking but he can’t tell if it's himself or Leo. Stay awake stay awake stay awake.

He feels his lips moving and he’s trying to say something while Leo is on the phone and applying pressure to Madara’s arm. Please don’t leave. I love you I love you I love you. Leo places a hand on his face and forces Madara to look up at him. Leo is saying something but Madara can’t hear it. I’m sorry you had to see me like this. Leo looks stressed. Madara caused this. He needs to leave before he makes it worse but Leo pushes him down when he tries to stand. His arm is throbbing.

Someone hands Leo a bottle which Leo then puts to Madara’s lips, cool water quenching a thirst he didn’t realize he had. His head clears just a little bit and he can hear Leo finally. Stay with me Mama, please stay awake. I love you too.

There’s more talking and Leo is pulled away while the emergency responders put Madara on a stretcher and put him in the ambulance. He tries to grab Leo, get them to let him into the ambulance as well, but they just strap his arm to his side and begin to assess the damage.

Madara wakes up in the hospital, Leo sitting in the chair next to his bed. Leo tackles him in a hug before he can say anything and the nurses are running in to check on his vitals. He’ll be okay but he won’t be released until tomorrow.

“I’m sorry, Leo-san. I really wanted--”

“What’s going on? Don’t lie to me.” Leo’s voice cracks.

“I was… trying to protect you. There are a lot of people who want to hurt you and I can’t…”

“I can make my own decisions, Mama.”

Madara doesn’t speak. He opens his mouth but any words he could say die on his lips.

“I know you want to protect me but I don’t want you to get hurt because of me either.”

“I know.”

There’s silence and Madara is afraid Leo might finally break things off. His cheeks are wet and he refuses to look at Leo. Instead, Leo grabs his hand and squeezes it.

“I love you. I don’t want to see you hurting.”

He was much more serious than the Leo Madara knew and loved. He couldn’t bear to see Leo hurting either, especially if he was the cause.

Madara squeezed Leo’s hand and made a silent promise that he’d be more careful from now on. Something had to change and continuing to get hurt like this wasn’t helping anyone. Maybe someday they could be happy together with nothing to worry about, but he would have to work to make that happen.

#shay writes #january writing challenge #madaleo #cw for blood/injury and violence (though the violence is just mentioned)#I'LL DO SOMETHING CUTE WITH THEM ON THE 8TH I PROMMY #HOLD ME TO IT #i just had such a bad day at work today oh my fucking god #it was so busy and we had two people who had to leave early #(they carpool and one of them got a call that their kid got hurt at school and he's already sick so. they went to go pick him up)#and then we just. got slammed from like 1-1:45 i didnt actually get a break or anything #i took 10 minutes to eat some food and that was my break #we were kinda slow from 2-3 but at 3 we got busy again #died down for 15 minutes and then another 10 cars in the drive thru and 5 people in the dining room #at least one guy gave us a little tip so that was sweet of him #i'm just so out of it but i had to write. i had to i'm determined to keep up with this #if i skip a day i'm going to lose steam so on we go #no guarantees for quality i'm falling asleep as we speak snork mimimimi

7 notes · View notes