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nucliufsilver · 7 years

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lil bit of a rant to all the people i dont talk to anymore

1.yknow honestly, for what its worth you did make me a better person, before i became friends with you i didnt really know what manners were, i was confused on what was right or wrong and you opened my eyes to a lot of things i probably would hate right now if i hadnt met you, examples, gay marriage, cosplay, different ways to love, transgenders etc. and that was all fine and dandy, i really loved you for that, always so kind and thoughtful of others, but i think in return i corrupted you a bit too, as a result i turned out to be a bad guy, granted i did some shit that had no excuse but so did you and bitch dont try and blow that off on me. you made me FEEL toxic, i was never going to be good enough, i was never going to be a better person, i was never going to be as nice as you or as caring, everyone would only ever see me as this toxic, stern, scary person and the sadest part of that? that actually came true lmao, no one cares for me, im alone, ive got a solid 1 friend and it isnt even fucking you because you decided i wasnt worth it and you hated me despite me trying so hard to connect back with you, all you ever did was shut me out and tell me i wasnt good enough, bitch.

2. fuck i loved you so much, but i had no fucking idea how to show it. i know im not allowed to talk to you anymore, but before i rant off about what you did to me i really really need you to understand that i will always fucking love you, and im so so so fucking sorry for hurting you like i did, it was all i ever knew. you taught me so fucking much, you taught me its okay to open up to people and let them see my dark sides, you taught me its okay to be myself and to share my opinions, and if people didnt like that, that was okay too, you taught me how to love even though it was quite a wild ride and i didnt even figure it out until 6 months after we broke up. you taught me there was so much more i had to learn about myself before i brought other people into my life and i will always be grateful to have had you for so long. but holy fuck did you ever make me feel like shit. i fucking hated you, you never listened to what i had to say and when id say it you never believed me either, i get it was a mental thing but YOU NEEDED TO LEARN HOW TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF. you made me feel gross and like i will never be a good boyfriend ever. how could i be? if i wasnt good enough for you ill never be good enough for anyone, not only that but holy fuck do you know how to run your mouth. after we broke up so many people were telling me on anon that i was toxic and gross and so much worse. i had to hide from the world for months, couldnt even go to cons for awhile because of it. i know you needed support, but at what cost? fuck you.

3. you just straight up pissed me the fuck off. you still do, I WAS NEVER FUCKING OBLIGATED TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO HAD THAT FANTASY, IM SORRY I DIDNT LIKE YOU AS MUCH AS OTHER PEOPLE BUT I NEVER DID YOU WRONG AT ALL, YET YOU STILL WENT AND TALKED SHIT BEHIND MY BACK. you hold the biggest grudges holy fuck you have no fucking chill, even your dad agreed with me and if that doesnt say youre being an immature fuck off then i have no idea what does. honestly ive never met anyone ive hated more than you, you tell people theyre fat BUT HAVE YOU LOOKED IN A FUCKING MIRROR? you make me want to throw up everytime i see you, you cant complain about being fat yet nEVER DO JACK SHIT TO SOLVE THAT LITTLE PROBLEM, ALL YOU EVER DO IS FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR LIFE BUT YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING TO SOLVE IT. so maybe take a look at yourself and think about where youre going in life because honestly? a reality check here, you dont have ANYTHING. whoops

4. i never intended to lose you, im not even sure what i did to you? i never got closure. i never really got anything from you honestly, when i look back i just felt used, like i was just there to pass the time and you couldve left at any point. you were my everything, i didnt have anything else but you. i wish i couldve done something to change the course but i think i did everything i could, as far as my story goes you were putting me off for your girlfriend, i felt alone so i started to talk with other people, you got jealous and then one day, you were gone, didnt want anything to do with me, gossiped with others about how awful i was. what did i do to you to deserve this? what did i do to any of you? i was TERRIFIED to go to school for MONTHS because i could feel your glares as id pass by, i could feel the rumors spreading through the school, i could feel the hate, its been almost a year and i still barely speak in school and my english teacher actually tried to send me to a counselor. i still dont feel worthy to speak, or look up from the ground, or join any clubs, or go anywhere near the japanese room. i dont allow myself to do anything besides sit alone at the third floor BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO CAUSE MORE TROUBLE FOR YOU. sometimes i think about going to your hangout place just to fuck with you some more. did you know the last time we talked, when you told me you never wanted to see me again, i actually broke a locker out of frustration, i didnt want to fucking lose you. why. why did this have to happen to us. what happened.

5. i dont even know what to say to you, honestly you saved me. i felt safe, for the first time in months i felt like i finally deserved something for myself, and i took that chance, i spent HOURS listening to you talk about things, just random stuff, i worked hard, i finally knew how love was supposed to work and i was able to use that on you, and everything was fucking perfect. this is still pretty recent so even now im crying typing this out. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much. why did you leave? im nothing. i loved you so much, you were the first person i truly opened up to like that since jayce, you made me forget jayce, and now i just dont know what to do. what am i supposed to do? how do i fix myself now that youre gone, i dont trust myself to fall in love, i havent even thought about dating since January because a huge part of me is still hoping youll come back apologizing, saying you miss me, and me being the biggest idiot would just forgive you on the spot. how am i supposed to move on when you left too fast for me to even blink. one day you just stopped replying, i dont know what changed, i want you back. im not as happy, im not the same. who am i now? what am i supposed to do, just please talk to me and give me some closure at least, i need it in order to move on, because i still fucking love you with all my being and i will never be able to find anyone better for me than you and i honest to god believe that.

6. i have nothing to say to you anymore, you have no right to claim me, you have no mark anymore, you cant tell me what i can and cant do anymore, whoever you think you are to me, fucking forget it because YOU left ME, and it fucked me up, youre the real reason for all my problems, everything can be traced back to you, you left me and you have NO right to waltz back into my life without an apology expecting me to love you like youre still something to me. youre nothing. i hate you. and the moment i turn 18 youre gonna find out just exactly how much i hate you, i have no remorse or love for you, there wont be any pity, and once im done speaking with you itll be my turn to leave, only this time it will be forever, thank you and good fucking bye bitch.

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