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iviarellereads · 1 year

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Harrow the Ninth, Act Three, Chapter 23

(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For detail on The Locked Tomb coverage and the index, read this one!)

(Third House icon) In which there's some particularly nasty business if you have the usual set of cultural taboos.

FOUR MONTHS BEFORE THE EMPEROR'S MURDER

The mood of the Mithraeum has changed for the worse. Harrow tries to train and build muscle to use her sword, tries so hard that she "would have broken the heart of any actual swordswoman."

Nobody can quite describe a Herald to her, because they cause madness and eye-bleeding in all those who behold them.

She discusses things with John, including Ianthe. John says if he were to give her an epithet, it would be the Saint of Awe. Harrow, through "a scab formed over everything that had happened", thinks that probably didn't suit Naberius. Harrow also asks about battles to come.

But you pressed: "Lord, it's not certain that I'm going to die." He did not correct your Lord, then.(1) In those oil-slick, inconceivable eyes, you saw a flicker of something that you did not understand. God said, "Harrowhark, to that, to everything, all I can say is that I live in hope. And that you need to keep handling your rapier."

So, she sneaks into the training room, and tries and tries.

Later, Harrow walks past the door to Cytherea's tomb, but the door is closed, which it never usually is. Ignoring her sense of self-preservation, she opens the door and finds the Saint of Duty holding Cyth's body. Not just holding her. Doing something unmentionable(2) that made Harrow blush all the way up to her ears. He tells Harrow to close the door and go away, and she does. Harrow goes to tell Ianthe, but when she gets to the details, Ianthe is dismissive, saying "Oh, but who hasn't done that,"(3) but at least now they know who's been moving her, so to speak.

Harrow isn't so easily dismissed, and they snark back and forth some, each telling the other an insult given by one of the elders. Ianthe says Teacher asked if they could store Harrow in with him when the Beast comes. Harrow, reduced to using this form of insult, nevertheless relays that Teacher called Ianthe "far from a perfect sword hand", at which point Ianthe asks if those were his exact words, and Harrow confirms.

Ianthe calls God a dickhead. Harrow is consumed by fury at this blasphemy.

You drew your two-handed sword from your back: your wrists weren't quite in the right position,(4) but it was a good attempt. [...] You said, "Do not blaspheme in front of me." "Don't draw on me with that ridiculous thing. You don't even know where you got it." "God gave it to me." "And you've never asked yourself why?" At those mere six words, your brain revolted. You felt a hot, thick sensation in the back of your top sinuses that you had not felt in a very long time, never approaching your limits enough for it to occur: a nosebleed. "So tell me why," you said evenly. "Can't," she snapped. "You ensorcelled my jaw,(5) you fucking psycho shadow vestal! Yes, I worked that one out! So unless I want to do homebrew mandible surgery, I can't squeal to anyone. And I have thought about homebrew mandible surgery, but I have no idea how far back your curse extends, because I'm not a blackened, tedious little bone witch. Now sheathe your sword; you don't want to go toe to toe with me."

Harrow says she's wrong about that one, and Ianthe makes threats Harrow wants her to act on. They stare each other down across Ianthe's bed, until Ianthe calls Harrow's bluff and submits dramatically to Harrow's murdering, because she's up too late and has to be up early.(6)

There was no answer to that, naturally, except to sheath your sword, return to your bedroom, and put yourself to bed, defeated.

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(1) Interesting that he still hasn't told her all that he supposedly is, when he told her not to worship him until he does. He mostly still corrects her when she calls him by a holy name instead of a normal one. (2) The lack of detail is used so surgically in this book, because we as readers will generally do much worse in our imaginations than any specific details a writer can provide. (3) This exchange really implies to me that there wasn't precisely sex going on in the chapel, but makes me wonder exactly what Muir thought it would be, something big enough to scandalize Harrow but small enough to make Ianthe roll her eyes. (4) Yes, whoever is narrating certainly knows a thing or two about swords. (5) Another clue as to what happened, and why Harrow had to examine Ianthe's jaw and tongue in that early chapter. (6) So relatable.

#the locked tomb #tlt #harrow the ninth #htn #harrow the ninth spoilers #htn spoilers #harrowhark nonagesimus #ianthe tridentarius #emperor john gaius #augustine the first #mercymorn the first #ortus the first

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oh-mother-of-darkness · 7 years

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Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering how do you handle an adult life? I'm 17 and the fact that I'm going to be an adult is starting to panic me more and more. Like I CANT talk to adults. I stutter&I'm a mess. I'm even bad with my peers. Some advice on how you do it would be nice. I try to ask my parents, but they aren't very helpful and seem ready to drop me into the deep end to "teach me" a lesson about being an adult. (Sorry again about non blog related question. No obligations to answer)

Oh boy, I’m gonna do my best to answer this, but full disclosure? I’m pretty bad at being social. I have some issues, and talking to people is really hard for me. That might be helpful in this context if you’re coming from a similar situation, but I don’t know if that’s the case, so it’s possible that my stuff won’t work for you. I’ll give it a whirl anyway.

I actually was thrown into the deep end when I was about your age, because I ended up going to college in a state where I pretty literally didn’t know a single person. I don’t know if that was a positive thing or not, but I can definitely say that I’ve gotten significantly better about talking/adulting since then. I’m still terrified of everyone older than me, but I can fake my way through the majority of it now.

For me, the biggest step was increasing my self-esteem. When I started living on my own in ‘14, my goal was basically to be invisible (a skill that I mastered a looooong time ago). I have this thing about people looking at me, so I didn’t like any kind of attention. It definitely affected the way I talked to people (I didn’t) and the way I acted.

That shifted after I discovered a couple of things

1) some attention is positive, and positive attention feels good

2) I’m imagining a lot of the judgement I feel from other people

The truth is, people don’t pay as much attention to you as you think that they do. We’re all trapped inside our own heads, right? My frame of reference puts the majority of emphasis on me, because that’s the only person I can hear and the only emotions I can feel. The same is true about you– you hear your thoughts and feel your feelings, so it seems like everybody else should be focussed on you.

That’s your mind playing tricks. Don’t believe it. Everybody else is focussed on themselves, not you, and that’s a good thing! They’re not actually looking at you. They’re just looking around. As soon as y’all walk away from each other, odds are you’ll disappear from their mind. It means that you don’t have to worry about doing everything perfectly. They don’t actually care.

Repeat that to yourself whenever you feel like you’re doing badly. It doesn’t matter. They don’t care. They’re not that concerned about the things that you do.

Two tactics for increasing your self esteem:

Find something you’re good at and do it. A lot. I started writing fanfiction when I was 18, and it straight-up changed my life. I’d never had that level of positive reinforcement before– for the first time in my life, I felt better than mediocre, and it made me proud of my own skills. Once I knew I was good at something it became a lot easier to talk to people.

(This is where you need to bear in mind that I’m not what the kids call “mentally stable” so like…. this might not be healthy) For a solid two years, I played this mind game where whenever I felt like somebody was judging me or being unkind to me, I picked one of my more angry favorite fictional characters and imagined them yelling back at that person. It worked really well for me because it let me fight back without actually doing it myself. I don’t really get angry, so I imagined someone getting angry on my behalf. Thing is, after awhile I really could think things like “I don’t deserve this” and “hey asshole back the hell off” in my own voice. I don’t know if I can explain that any better

Practical tips for maintaining a conversation:

Ask questions. It’s a lot easier to have a conversation if they’re doing most of the talking, and they won’t think it’s weird if you seem interested. Just keep them talking by asking for more information about whatever they just said.

They’ll get more comfortable (and more talkative) the more emotion you express. Listen actively. Nod along. Say stuff like “Really??” Your eyebrows are your friends. React to the stuff they say.

If you don’t know what emotion you’re expected to express, draw your eyebrows slightly in, rest a hand on your mouth/chin, and say “interesting.” They’ll interpret that as whatever response they were expecting.

I feel more comfortable if I’m prepared, so I straight-up have memorized anecdotes that I practice until they go smoothly. I mostly use stories about my siblings, but I also have this speech about communism that I use every time someone asks me what I’m thinking about.

I don’t know what kind of English you speak, but I realized a long time ago that if I amp up my accent, other southerners trust me more and everyone else sees me as less threatening. If that applies, use it.

Don’t be ashamed of your interests. It might seem embarrassing, but other people don’t see it that way. Niche comic book knowledge actually goes over pretty well at parties. Related tip: find The Interest of the person you’re talking to, and your life will get a lot easier. Let them teach you about it and they literally will not shut up. It’s great. Also you get good recs that way.

Tips to get people to like you:

Be helpful. Good in two ways: if you don’t know what you’re supposed to be doing and that makes you feel anxious, ask whomever is in charge if there’s something you can do to help. They’ll be charmed, and you won’t feel awkward anymore. Also good because people really like the folks that do them favors. They also like the people they did favors for, so let people do things for you if they offer.

Everybody likes the kid that brought food. Bake cookies. Bring cookies. New friends. Even if you don’t talk to them afterwards, they’ll have a positive opinion of you. I never spoke to the majority of my dorm neighbors, but they all liked me because I set candy and juice boxes in the hallway every holiday. In a classroom setting, offer to share your gum, buy extra scantrons, and lend people your pens.

I befriend people solely by throwing gifts at them until they feel my love. Ask any of my mutuals. They’ll tell you.

Kindness honestly goes a long way? A lot of people, especially young people, really need someone to be kind to them, and they’re not used to getting that. If you can be that person, it’ll help them and it will make the two of you a lot closer. That’s how real friendships start.

Always be respectful of other people’s trust. If they tell you important things about themselves, treat it seriously. Try to understand how they feel, and then let them know that you understand. Don’t tell other people’s secrets.

Tips for forcing yourself to Do The Thing:

I keep my to do list on post-it notes stuck to my dresser, one item per note, so I can pull them off one at a time as I do them. It’s more satisfying that way.

Personally I’m a lot more willing to do the things I hate if I feel like I’m doing them for someone else. Easiest way is to get one of my friends to ask me to do it (Hey in an hour text me and tell me to go to the grocery store). The best way is to bargain with one of my friends (if you call your doctor, I’ll make a real dinner tonight)

Again… I don’t know if you’re coming from the same place as me, but it really helps me to be open about my problems. I just tell my friends about my mental health issues, and then they help me to work around them.

Treat!!! Yo!!!! Self!!!! Seriously reward yourself for getting things done. Give yourself an episode of The Office for every page you write. Buy yourself ice cream for getting your errands done. If you’re going to do something stressful, have a plan for something relaxing afterward (I’ll go to the induction ceremony, and then I’ll go to the puppy store and pet a beagle)

[Eliza voice] 🎶 T a k e a b r e a k 🎶 If socializing is hard for you, realize that you don’t have to do it all the time. It’s okay to opt out, especially when you won’t lose anything by doing it. Personally, I go out of my way to make sure that no one speaks to me on the bus, walking across campus, or during lunch. Those are me-times. You can make sure people get the memo by wearing big headphones, bringing a book (even if you’re only pretending to read it), and avoiding eye contact.

I find music really helpful for prep/recovery too. It works best if you find one song and play it on repeat until you get to the stressful thing, and then do the same thing on the way back. Focus on one element of the song at a time. If you do it right, you can hit this meditative sweet spot where you stop thinking about what you have to do.

Stress relief (take it with a grain of salt because I am 95% stress at any given time):

Make your bedroom into a happy place. Pick a strong scent and make that part of the atmosphere– your brain will start to associate that scent with calm. My room smells like Irish Spring soap. When you finish something stressful, go to your room, take a few minutes to lie down and relax, breathe in and out, smell the happy smell. You did it.

Do stupid shit that makes you happy. Blow bubbles on your porch, put colored glassware on your windowsills so the sunlight turns red and blue, sing in your bathroom so it echoes all over the place.

I hate admitting this with every fiber of my being, but exercise does actually reduce stress. So does eating healthy and sleeping normally, but I’ve never tried those last two.

If something makes you happy, keep it around. Save birthday cards, display presents from your friends, keep a happy tag online so you have a list of stuff to come back to. Your brain will remember the positive reaction, so it’ll undo some of the damage when you’re upset.

Making other people happy will make you happy. Easiest method? Hit that anon button on the asks, pick the top five people on your dashboard, send them a nice message. Wait for excited response

It’s okay to google “cute babies” and scroll through pics until you feel alive again

I find it helpful to make things. I don’t know, there’s something about spending a long time on a project that makes me feel more productive, especially if there’s a visible product.

Things to remember:

They aren’t watching you. They don’t care if you mess up. Your brain is lying to you.

Your worth is inherent and cannot be diminished by any of your actions or failures

Odds are the people you meet now won’t be the same people in your life in a few years. That means you don’t have to impress them. If you embarrass yourself in front of the lady at the brochure stand, it doesn’t matter. You probably won’t ever see her again.

It’s okay if this is hard for you. You don’t have to love meeting people.

You don’t have to like everyone. You don’t have to be friends with everyone.

It’s okay to say no. I repeat: it is okay to say no.

You’re going to be okay. You have a destiny, and you will fulfill it. It’s going to turn out exactly as it should. You don’t have to worry about your future.

These things get easier with time.

There’s no shame in seeing a therapist or talking about your problems

You have talents. You are interesting. You deserve attention and praise.

You know where to find me if you need anything

#asks #personal i guess #not comics sorry #well that ended up long

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