#This reminds me of one of my Rimworld playthroughs

[dzpenumbra]

12/23/22

Alright well... over the past few days I have been followed by 12 bots. And I just tried to do my civic duty and report these things... and... I can't really find a good way to do that. I mean, the thing that made the most sense was "impersonation". Because, you know, they're not actually people, and they steal people's likenesses for profile pictures - which is surreally creepy, I mean honestly, imagine running across a profile that wasn't yours that had your face as a profile pic, good lord my heart goes out to those people, that's haunting. But Tumblr won't even let you file an impersonation report unless you are the person in the photograph. Is this a thing where fucking idiot teenagers cried wolf too many times? This shit is out of control.

I mean, for me it's just obnoxious, and super depressing, but for a site as a whole it's just a really fuckin bad look. Just sayin.

Okay. I'm done talking about that. XD Today was... unexpectedly productive.

I woke up early, like 6 hours of sleep early. Like my essential oil diffuser hadn't even gone into hibernation mode because it hadn't finished its 6 hour shift yet. I woke up and went back to sleep a few times, tried to browse social media to reset the vibes. It's just a comfort thing, again my dreams haven't even been bad, just vivid. But I'm so fucking useless to the world when I first wake up that I don't even have the wherewithal to remember to write my dreams down. I remember reflexively trying to capture highlights when I first woke up, but it was like trying to hold water in trembling hands or something. I guess I'm just out of practice. I need to get back into doing a pre-sleep mantra kinda thing to remind my subconscious to practice, every second counts when it comes to dream recall.

When I finally got up for real, I got kitty some food, got some breakfast and decided to start recording for a new Rimworld series. Yep, a new project. Another one. And a fucking movie, to boot. So the concept is to take a playthrough and record it, paying close attention to story points the best I can and trying to get good cinematic shots. I want to do a sorta... RP playthrough, voicing over the main character through the form of a journal or log or something, recalling her story. Or someone reading her journal or something. That part I won't be able to figure out until the story is over. But I'm doing the new DLC and I'm playing the Sanguiphage scenario, but with a bunch of mods for more immersion and personality. And I plan to do a movie of it, rather than do it episodic like my last one. And very in-character. I think it'll come out pretty cool, time will tell. It's a good longer term project because I can do other projects while it plays itself in the background.

The first playthrough was a bust, it went south very quick and the story wasn't really interesting. The setup was amazing, but they just got taken out by wildlife in the first week so that was like... bummer. So I did yoga, showered and went skating. Skating was pretty sick. I got a few 3 shuvs pretty clean, I got a standing still heelflip (which I haven't gotten in probably 2 years?), a moving kickflip and found this... I don't know what it was, some kind of big metal cover on something? I packed snow around it and set up a ride-on grind and it slid okay. I got a 5-0 across the whole thing, it was like 8 feet or something. But... yep, there's a but... I tried a boardslide, and I really was hesitating for a while because I didn't know how it was gonna go... and there was a big screw thing poking up that I didn't see... and it tore up the bottom of my board pretty bad. And now there's a big groove in it and it just... killed all my speed. Even on flat. Even on hills. I'll see how much tuning it up will do, but to be honest, it's really deep. So... fingers crossed, we'll see how that goes tomorrow.

Came back, made buffalo chicken pizza, which came out really good. Did all the dishes and cleaned the counters. Killed it. Played/recorded a new Rimworld playthrough over dinner and it looks promising. When I was getting a little... bored of it... I had something pop into my head. I don't know how I got to it but... when I was packing, some random dude sent me a message on Reddit. He was replying to a post he put up 9 FUCKING YEARS AGO. He was requesting a Baroness tab, back then I did full-band tabulature, transcribing by ear for every instrument. You know, as educational tools, so people can learn how to play the songs they love. That's how I learned guitar. My acoustic case is still full of printed out sheets of tabs, like dozens of them. This dude wanted me to tab out Mtns. (The Crown and Anchor) by Baroness, off Yellow, and I didn't know the song well. But I took it on. I remember doing it, and getting really close to finishing it. Then I'm guessing my life went to shit, because I never sent it to him. And that harddrive is now pretty much fucked. Pretty sure, not really brave enough to try to get shit off of it again.

So... I had a thought. Why the hell am I putting in effort to make Christmas gifts for people who treat me like garbage? Why don't I give this a go, make a special gift for someone who obviously really cares about this song so much that they're going to follow up on it almost a decade later. And I did. And I fucking hyperfocused on it the way that only transcribing music and super inspired art can do for me. I sunk into that for probably 3-4 hours? Lost all perception of time. I transcribed most of both electric guitars and bass, drums are gonna be tomorrow along with the acoustic and lead guitars. I'd say the bulk of it is done though. Pretty cool feeling. It's been a while.

So, I'm gonna drop the tab to that guy on Christmas, and he better have Guitar Pro because I really don't feel like doing any of that .gp5 conversion or - god forbid - make it a pdf or some shit. I mean, I can if I have to, but like... I put a lot of work into getting the sound right, you know? They're kinda meant to be experienced in Guitar Pro.

So yeah, that was pretty much my day. Now it's almost 3AM again. And all the snow is disappearing. But it's okay, I have plenty of really cool shit to do.

Kitty is calling, bed time.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[dzpenumbra]

11/25/22

Today was a mixed bag. I finally caught up on sleep. Finally, after like a week. I started my day, got the cat food and decided "fuck it, I'm going to smoke today. It's Thanksgiving, I'm alone and packing all day, I might as well unwind a bit." I got a good shower in, did laundry all day, started a new Rimworld playthrough and worked on my hoodie and packed most of my food stuff from the kitchen.

There isn't a ton of stuff left to pack. Mostly kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff, clothes, art supplies/tools and my computer. I'm not sure if it's gonna be one drive worth, might be two, but it's going well. I can feel the gears getting close to the next tick.

While cleaning out my cabinets, I was reminded by 11 tubs of shisha that I used to smoke tobacco. I have been nicotine-free for over a year (I quit early November last year). This shisha is worth probably... I'd say over $150 total. And it's all still good too, it's made with molasses and really doesn't lose a lot of flavor or quality over time too much. I mean, after several years... probably... but I've smoked shisha after a year in a sealed container and it's been totally fine. So... me, in my infinite wisdom, thought to offer this tobacco to the only person I can think of that smokes that might appreciate it. My brother.

This was a mistake. I don't really feel comfortable getting into it any more than that, but... I'm realizing certain patterns in how some people address unexpected reconnections. This pattern is one of skepticism. Asking questions, which quickly morph into rhetorical questions, which morph into answering their own questions, which transitions into "let me tell you what's going on", which quickly arcs over to "here are your options". Which is, to be frank, far from a conversation. It's kind of an ultimatum. It's control, really. Taking control of an unexpected or unknown situation, rather than seeking further clarification.

I'm shaking a bit right now, because the conversation continued at the end of the last paragraph. I'm not exaggerating, my hands are trembling, like I'm shivering, and I feel weak. And I'm starting to learn that this is a trauma response. And in the future, when I start feeling this way - or in the present, when I start feeling this way - I need to walk away from the dangerous situation I'm in and go cuddle my cat and eat some ice cream or something.

I deserve to be around people who appreciate me. Who don't scrutinize every word and action I take deliberately looking for the "trick" or "trap", and then having to suffer the full brunt of someone else's anxious retaliation. I have suffered this more times than I can count. Being the victim of a tortured soul swinging at ghosts of past abusive relationships, past pains, past horrors. Past, of course, being the important word there. It has taken me decades to truly believe this - and may every heavenly deity from every faith ever bless my social worker for helping me fully integrate this - these things I am being accused of. These situations are not. my. fault. And I. deserve. better.

I'm starting to edit, so I'm going to change the topic. I feel foolish for trying to be charitable and forgiving towards family. Which is such a conflicting feeling. Trying to forgive and be kind to those who have been controlling and manipulative to me... like... why the fuck am I so drawn to it? I just... want to be a good person, you know? I just want to be a good guy who can help inspire people to move forward. To get unstuck. Like... this whole control thing just comes from fear usually. At least as a trauma response, its like... responding to fears of being taken control of... then overcompensating by taking control of the other person. At least most of the time, from what I've seen. So my dumb ass brain just goes "yo, if you're really nice and not a threat to them, they'll feel safe and they won't be controlling and everything will go back where it was 10 years ago". NOPE. Big old fuckin nope it won't. I don't think that has ever actually worked, like maybe once or twice has that ever been effective and it has never had a lasting effect. Why? Well... because the other person has a primary defensive mechanism that they are not working on that is "I need to control this before it hurts me". And just because this fluke moment reassured them that a threat wasn't immanent... doesn't mean that reflex isn't primed to strike at any moment, over any thing. It's a hair trigger defense system that is notorious for misfiring. I've often made the analogy of these people being like night watchmen on a castle wall with 50 caliber machineguns just hosing down the forest every time they hear a twig crack. This policy of "shoot first", "control first", "blame first", ask questions later... it does not change. It has no need to change. And most importantly, it is not mine to change. Ideally, they would install a floodlight and try to gather information on what is cracking the twigs, before raining buckets of hot lead into the darkness. But again, I can't sneak up onto the battlements and install one. I can't sneak up there and leave a note saying "I will be walking by in the forest at 2:16AM, 50 yards from the wall, please do not shoot me." These will also be seen as signs of manipulation. You can't reason with those who are convinced the world is out to get them. Trust me, I'm one of them, and I'm trying so fucking hard to recover.

Now it's 1AM. I want to pack up my bathroom stuff before bed. This was a nasty taste to leave in my mouth after a big day. And part of me wishes I didn't reach out. Part of me wishes I wasn't so generous to those who haven't "earned" it, and who abuse my generosity, who abuse my forgiveness and trust. But part of me feels like it's the right thing to do. For the shisha. XD I am not even fucking kidding, I'm legit saying this and honestly believe it. I think the shisha deserves to be appreciated. I don't think it deserves to go in the trash. And I'm not going to smoke it in the new apartment, I'm just not going to. So... what options do I have? Do I try to give it to a stranger up at the new apartment? "Hey person I've never met, would you like 11 tubs of year-old shisha? To smoke in a building you can't smoke in?" Doesn't seem smart. And I don't know anyone left in this town. So... yeah. I wish I was kidding, but I legit was willing to reach out to one of the people that hurt me most in the world, in my entire life, to offer him a "peace offering" (which I later rephrased as "cease fire" as in "please stop accusing me of being a bad person and barking orders at me") in order to get 11 tubs of flavored tobacco a home where they would be appreciated.

Would it be better if I just threw it out next time? I honestly don't know anymore. It seemed like a great idea at the time, a win-win-win all around, and now my heart just aches. And I feel really sad and hopeless, depressed. Tragedy, is really the only word coming to mind on repeat. So... I guess we just keep marching. Maybe more packing, but it's 1AM now because I was sitting here fucking waiting for his ass to stop playing fucking video games on Thanksgiving and respond to simple Discord messages. Okay, I'm a bit upset now. I worked really hard to reset my sleep schedule, now it's just slipping right back again.

Ugh. Deep breath. I'm just going to say this. I. Cannot. Fucking. WAIT. Until I get to have friendships that breathe life into me. That aren't controlling and draining and taking and sucking the life out of me. I cannot wait until I have any form of relationship where the person actually, genuinely cares how my day was, actually appreciates the gestures that I put forth unsolicited. Where we amplify each other, resonate. Healthy relationships. I'm very excited, I hope it's soon. I have so much to share!

As much as this has been a catastrophic, heart-wrenching end to the day, it has been a pretty good day overall. And I really can't let the pains of a Sith drain me. I deserve better, and if others won't respect me, I need to at very least respect myself enough to get out of situations like that. I have always sucked at walking away, I feel like I'm abandoning or giving up. But... yeah. That's a block for me. So I need to address that in the future.

Sorry for the doom and gloom. Move is almost done, I hope to be up in the new place by the start of the next week, maybe even over the weekend. I just have some deliveries coming this weekend (art supplies, a painting I ordered for the new apartment) and I kinda want to be around for that. We'll see how it goes. Here's to building more positivity in the world, even if it means walking away, I guess.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts