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helthehatter · 4 years

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So I watched a bootleg of Cats (2019).

And I wrote down my thoughts as I watched it. I will share them with you now:

•the blurry quality is both a blessing and a curse: the characters are blurry but you don’t see back ground characters until it’s too late

• the Rebel Wilson song consisted of me going NO NO STOP STOOOOP

• Jason Derulo closes his eyes and opens his mouth as his face gets near Victoria’s foot and then it cuts and it’s a horrifying edit.

• Why do I feel so fucking bad for Grizzabella stop acting Jennifer Hudson

• Jennifer Hudson sadly walking away on all fours was a level of comedy I didn’t know existed

• WHY is Munkustrap (my favorite character from the original) taking this so seriously oh my gawd he thinks this is fucking Shakespeare

• James Corden drank champagne in a way that made me look away from the screen.

• Also side note I fucking HATE how small they are! It just proves what we already know, no one on this production has even seen a cat

• WHY do I like Mr. Mistoflees and Victoria??? I’m not suppose to feel EMOTIONS when I’m watching this

• They really thought showing whatever hell spawn a dog would look like was too far. Take a note from your characters and go all the way you cowards.

• Before Idris Elba gets naked I want to say this movie did more with Macavity than the original musical did

• Rebel Wilson being thanosed SENT me

• Ian McKellen fucking meowed for no reason. I never felt so out of body in my life.

• Before they dance at one point they shake sporadically and I thought we were all having a group seizure.

• STOP MAKING ME FEEL SO BAD FOR GRIZZABELLA! Yeah I know STORY wise that’s the point but production wise you clearly are only suppose to know fear, shame, and lust.

• Musical remakes have this thing where they make a brand new decent song and...yeah I can’t complain I like Beautiful Ghosts

• It was bad enough that the Gus song was already the worst song in the original musical but Ian McKellen as a cat is a weirdly depressing sight.

• Old Deutromy or whatever the fuck the cat’s name is: *lifts her leg up* me: aaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

• Why is Skimbleshanks dressed as a conductor inspired stripper? If he drops his pants I’m jumping out this window. And why does he have a mOUSTAAAAAAACHE?!?

• THATS NOT HOW SMALL CATS ARE I FUCKING HATE YOU

• SKIMBLE SPUN SEVERAL FEET INTO THE AIR AND THEN DISSAPPEARED IN A CLOUD OF RED DUST IM SCREAMING

• This is gonna sound weird but stay with me: Taylor Swift as a cat actually...kinda works? There’s something about her face that makes it look less uncanny than the others. And of course Macavity the BEST song in the musical is full of writhing twitching horny high cats who throw their crotches in the air. The only reason I wasn’t scared of cat boners was because the internet would have caught fire by now if it happened. (Also I’m pretty sure this was rated PG)

• WHY IS HE NAKED WHY IS HE NAKED WHY IS HE NAKED WHY IS HE NAKED WHY IS HE NAKED WHY IS HE NAKEF WHY IS IDRIS ELBA NAKED?!?!?!?!?

• What does a boat have anything to do with anything?

• Damnit I was happy that mistofolees saved Old Deut. Don’t make me feel GOOD things movie!

• Stop unzipping your fucking skin Rebel got DAMNIT

• What does it mean when you’ve gotten used to the faces?

• MEMORIES👏STILL👏FUCKS👏HARD👏

• WHY AM I HAPPY FOR JENNIFER HUDSON?!?!

• They really kept that stupid fucking thingy that sends Grizabella to Heaven. Is it a chandelier? A hot air ballon? We’ll never know

• I knew Old Deut was gonna look at me but FUCK I still nearly fell outta my chair! This is so upsetting I can’t meet her eye.

• So yeah I liked it. Can’t wait to watch it in HD Quality. Hell I might even buy it. It is my The Room, and ten years from now there’s going to be a Cats version of The Disaster Artist. Or a horror remake.

• Now I want to make videos with cute CARTOON cats singing these songs.

#cats the movie #cats spoilers #cats 2019

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