#Who does legitimately have disabilities that make efficiently solving problems harder for me than most?

[positivelyapunovexponent-good]

it would be really cool if I could have a day this month where I wasn’t so chronically afraid it felt like my intestines were twisted into a möbius strip. Because ya’know- I really like my digestive tract being an orientable manifold. If that’s all the same to the universe.

#it’s the grad school applications I think. It’s really really getting to me #I just. I dunno. It’s hard to eat. Sleep. Talk to people. I try my best but yeah. This is most of what I think about all the time. #Is it normal to feel this bad because of them? Like is this typical levels of graduate school application stress? #The stakes feel so high even though I know they’re not. If I don’t get in I just apply for a job and then reapply to grad school later #But I think it goes deeper than that. The idea of grad school applications has got me really closely examining myself and… #I genuinely worry I’m just- a kinda mediocre mathematician at best #I’ve been starting to feel really insecure about how slow my processing speed is. Would anyone want to invest in someone like me?? #Who does legitimately have disabilities that make efficiently solving problems harder for me than most? #My dad once told me I’m not capable of thinking like a mathematician. Because I’m so slow. He encouraged me not to major in it. #I’m really happy I disregarded him. I can’t imagine doing anything else. I love math and I love research. But I wonder if he was right #I guess it doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I’m going to do math whether I’m cut out for it or not. And if that has to be recreational #Because no graduate school wants me. Then so be it. #But I do really want to go to graduate school. I really love the grad level classes I’ve done. #I really hope I make it #vent #graduate school jeremiad #research jeremiad