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#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii ๐
opens-up-4-nobody
ยท
8 months
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#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii ๐
#so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters
#which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent
#allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing
#my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing
#bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing
#and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and
#dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely
#destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea
#lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to
#have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im
#just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives
#i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control
#unrelated
#i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods
#mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio
#i meant rip lol
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