#dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃 #so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters #which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent #allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing #my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing #bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing #and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and #dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely #destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea #lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to #have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im #just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives #i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control #unrelated #i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods #mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio #i meant rip lol

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 49 - watching notes

*takes deep breath* ONLY TWO EPISODES LEFT!!! 😭😭😭

Btw, this is how I spent my day. Baking a subtly shippy pie for my family, who thought I had mixed up the date easter falls on 😅

Therapy-baking to cope with the end of a show aside, I'm still not ready for this show to end 🥺

I still find it hilarious how little patience wwx has for jgy's villain act 😅

Like bitch, you wanna talk tragic villain backstory? You got nothing on me 🤨

Yeah, I thought the "my friend" part was a bit rich, too :/

I get that jgy, like all good villains (If he really is the villainof this story is debatable, but for tha sake of this argument I'llrun with it) doesn't think of himself as such, but he's got to realise the magnitude of his betrayal towards lan Xichen

Wait what?

What did jgy do at the burial mounds specifically that has lxc renounce their friendship ALREADY? 😳

Ah! or was that off-screen during the previous episodes when lxc got trigged into this situation?

What do they say about the anger of a gentle man?

Oooh, so the fact that jgy acted now was due to the letter! I feel a bit dumb that I hadn't realised that 😅

"Do you really not believe in me at all?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? HE DID!

He believed in you when no one else would!!!

I just noticed that that's another parallel to wangxian. Only ... 😬

That shot gives me goosebumps...

Those red robes are beautiful :'(

Poor Quin Su ...

Jgy saying to lxc that his naivety shocks him ... well that's the point, right? That's why he could fool lxc like this. I'm not sure if naivety is entirely the word I'd use, but I can't find a better one right now 🤔

But it's definitely the right word for the way he saw jgy. Maybe it's the fact that lxc naturally assumed that because HE didn't see jgy social standing, jgy wouldn't either. But jgy could never shake off his parentage because both his environment and his own ambitions never let him

So of course jgy thought he "had no choice". The choice was between doing the right thing and giving up his status he had fought so hard for or doing the wrong thing and keeping it. To him it wasn't a choice

And he's right, that's a position none of the cultivators present, not even wwx would have ever had to face

Still

FUCK JIN GUANGSHAN!!!!! 🤬🤬🤬

I can emphasize with almost everyone in this story at least somewhat

But that guy can go fuck himself

Fuck, did he just slap him? 😳

Lan Xichen is honestly way beyond his limit

Didn't we already establish that Jin Guangyao arranged for the confrontation that lead to Jin Zixuan's death?

Okay, no I just gathered that from context when we learned that Su She had played the second flute 😅

Oh Jin Ling 😥

Yes, life isn't fair. The world isn't fair. Frankly, there is no one in the cultivation world who isnt at least guilty of some crimes by virtue of doing nothing

BUT THAT'S NO REASON TO DECIDE TO BEST THEM AT THEIR OWN GANE BY BECOMING ARGUABLY EVEN WORSE THAN THEM!!!

Argh!

What an awesome shot!!! 😳😳😳

Sometimes this show's cinematography is just *chef's kiss*

"Women are trouble, especially those who have read a few books."

*takes a deep breath* *screams into pillow*

I'm good

I know patricite is frowned upon but ... that's the one thing i can't be angry at jgy for 🤷‍♀️

Not saying it's right, just that I'm not particularly angry about it 😅

Nooo! You won't dare to hurt the ONLY FUVKING PERSON WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO FAULT IN YOUR MISERY!

🤬

"He hid it inside his body"

He did what now? o__O

Ugh

Jiang Cheng offering himself up for Jin ling 😢

For a second there I thought the banging on the door was a gunshot and was REALLY confused 😅

Sometimes I forget Huaisang is even there and then they'll show his shocked and I'm like ohhhh you're still here 😅

Who?

Lan Sizhui! How is it that everyone in this town???

I swear to got if Lan Sizhui dies now I'm going feral 🤬

Mingjue! 😳

First of all I GOT ONE PREDICTION RIGHT! 🥳

But ... wasn't he in that coffin BEHIND them???

Hä?

Ah okay, it's wen Ning not Nie Mingjue

Explains why he was with Sizhui

I have a new kink. It's wwx controlling spirits by whistling 😳

Ohhh shit

Is this how jgy dies?

Holy shit that's a lot of blood

Awww, jiang Cheng called out for wwx with the same concern he called for Jin ling *sniff* :')

Ugh

Ugh

Another lost arm

Was it baxia or lwj? 😳

IT WAS LAN WANGJI! 😱

What? Why?

Why is it attacking Jin Ling???

Omg Wen Ning is still there 😭😭😭

Oh Wen Ning

So much stronger than anyone gives him credit for

I'm crying you guys 🥺

Oh my god

Guys ...

That little moment right here!!!!

Of Wei Wuxian using demonic cultivation and obviously Lan Xichen is worried, but Lan Wangji tells him, with just a glance that it's okay and then with an other glance to wwx that he trusts him. And there's a nod and a little smile from both of them. No words needed. And I don't even know if lan Wangji knows what wwx is planning exactly, but it doesn't matter because he trusts him without question and wwx knows it and accepts it and ... guys

It's such a little moment but it's EVERYTHING

A little nod and a smile

"I know you. I trust you"

This is it guys

This is endgame and I'm so so glad I started this show :')

I wish you guys could see how wide my smile is right now 💙🖤

JIANG CHENG KEPT CHENQING!!! 😭

How?

How am I even supposed to begin to describe what that expression makes me feel? 🥺

Now we have the perspective of the stygian tiger amulet? 😳

Ooh, dies he want to reunite the sword and Mingjue?

Shit

Why DID su she want to kill Huaisang??

Well that went differently than expected

Guess he's dead 😬

I don't quite understand where baxia came from btw

I know it was missing but I dont remember where we last saw it 🙈

Sure it's a great idea to bury the amulet? Wouldn't destroying it be safer? It's not like no one ever desecrates graves in this world 😬

Favourite wangxian specific trope: lwj will always be there to catch :') wwx apart from that one time but we don't talk about that

"I'm dying!" Gotta love Nie Huaisang 😂

Even now, Lan Xichen show jgy kindness

I'm in awe of that man

Ohhhh!

The paper butterfly!

Does Sizhui remember?

Um

What did Huaisang just do there?

Was that ... a lightbulb?

The fuck????

The fuck?????

Tbe fuck?????

Sjoiiiiiiittyvgybsnnhk

Chkckvh

Huaisang...

What?

He wasn't there

WHST????

WHAT?

Did Huaisang just ... purposefully get Xichen to stab jgy????

Or was that camera angle a misdirection?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

Also Lan Xichen JUST STAPED JGY ON ACCIDENT!

He probably just killed him on accident!!!

What t f happened to my ship!?!? 😭

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose

No time for pleasantries!!! I'm off to the next episode 😳😬

#the untamed #sophie watches the untamed #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #wwx #lwj #lan xichen #jin ling #nie Huaisang #nie mingjue #jian cheng

[andytheauthor]

So, minor spoilers for Mag 177, also the related trigger warnings, since it heavily deals with terrible therapists. Also bad language because I swear when passionate.

This is literally one of my biggest fears. Being told I have nothing wrong with me, this is just how life will be forever until I die. I am a bad person for struggling. My hallucinations, depression, anxiety, everything, is just somehow made up. My health problems aren't real.

But. Listening to 177, and Dr David's statement. I felt anger, instead of dispair. How fucking dare this face-stealing quack tell these people that they're bad people for having problems? How fucking dare he tell them they don't even know how to pronounce their own name? How dare he make personal attacks on their hygene? How dare he take away their medication? I felt struck by the urge to protect them, tell them that everything will be okay, that this son of a bitch is a liar and a fucking asshole. That they are still lovable, still forgivable.

Honestly, at the beginning, I was certain that this statement was from the Web, instead of the Spiral. Something about being given medication that renders you unconscious, removing the medication that you've always taken before. Manipulating, controlling. In my eyes, I feel like it shows how close the Spiral and the Web can be. Both try to make you enter into a chase that only they know the end of. Only they have the map.

I feel like this episode triggered the "Mom friend Override " for me.

Related note, Basira's reaction of not understanding why "there's nothing wrong, you're just making it up," hurts, and is so incredibly terrifying, says a lot about her as a person. She's not someone who has ever seriously had to question herself, about her perception of reality, about her own body and mind betraying her like that. After you experience that, and experience being told that you're wrong, it's Fine Actually, it stays with you like a knife through the stomach. You Know something is wrong, very wrong, and being unable to find the answer hurts so fucking bad. For Basira, even when she finds out that yeah, monsters are real, all this horrible secret stuff is tearing through society, she never questioned her perception. She was probably the quickest to go from "Eh, ghosts and such probably dont exist" to "Yup, monsters are a thing. Guess I better fight them". This can be a good thing, but I think she has a flaw in her empathy/sympathy processing that prevents her from listening to the experience of others, in regards to perception and mind. We don't know too much about who she was before she joined the police, and especially not before she was sectioned. What shaped her experiences? Was she a kinder, more empathetic person before the police system squished it out of her? Was she just as closed off to everyone? I have mixed feelings about her, and I hope she gets more loose ends tied up before the end. I haven't finished catching up, I got to episode 181 I think? So, if she's popped back into the narrative after the Daisy thing, I haven't gotten to it.

This was wayyyyyy longer than anticipated oops.

#spoilers #tma season 5 #tma basira #mag177 #tma177 #tw mental hospital #tw invalidation #tw hallucinations

[godblessthecactusess]

hello and welcome to a reaction post of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. s7 ep...9?

(Warning I might have sworn a lot whoops)

This was such a good episode jeez

As I Have Always Been:

- Couldn’t imagine sleeping in a chamber like that omg chlostrophobia

- SOUSA STAYED ASLEEP NEXT TO HER

- what the heck did Sousa just say

- very marvelly time thing (like it fits the marvel aesthetic nicely)

- honestly babes same (edit: I cannot remember what line this was for?)

- “bugsy”

- BLINDED BY THE LIGHT

- “I’m fine” the heck you are

- time drive is buffering guess it runs on virgin media

- did they just die

- I guess they did huh

- “21st century slang for its working normally” got it

- she’s so SCARED and honestly I would be too

- this is so exciting omg

- notice on rewatch: they did the title card twice, clever

- “oh well that’s fun”

- Simmons is so fucking done

- and here we go again

- it’s like a horrible nightmare

- “i dIeD!!”

- I love Clark Gregg, Coulson is going crazy and is hysterical and I love the way he’s acting it, it’s funny

- jEsUs this is giving me so much stress

- sassy exasperated Coulson is (one of) the best Coulsons

- 10 minutes in and my brain is fried

- I feel like she’s gonna remember something really bad

- she’s dying

- shit

- Dekey baby nO don’t be so sad

- “what a pain in the ass”

- did Coulson do it

- IS THERE A STOWAWAY

- oh look we decided to bring Sousa back in

- she don’t remember what

- IS FITZ ON THE ZEPHYR

- was it may?!!

- THAT LOOK DEKE AND ENOCH OMG

- smart move Mack nice

- “son of a bI-“

- I love Sousa

- WAIT NO

- WTF

- HAPPENED

- I think it’s Coulson

- Maybe he just doesn’t realise it

- This ep is really Coulson and Daisy centered and it reminds me of the good old days

- eNoCh?!

- gasp

- Enoch and his friends I love it

- bloody hell

- I kinda hoped it would be Fitz tbh

- did she just kill Enoch

- nope

- “oh dear” WHAT A MOOD

- how many times do you reckon Chloe hit her head on that thing getting out

- I LOVE SOUSA HOLY SHIT

- “sorry”

- I WANNA KNOW WHAT THEY TOLD HIM WHAT WAS THE IRONY

- this is fucking mental wow

- LOOK AT THEM ALL WITH THEIR SCARY FACES

- notice on rewatch: “deke’s very dead” “very” “do we need to be sad about that?” “we do not” these guys are so FUCKING DONE with This Bullshit (TM)

- how the hell are we going to get to the end of this episode huh

- I have mixed feelings about daisysous and I hate it like I would die for peggysous but the writers are making it really hard to not love daisysous

- JUST KISS HOLY SHIT

- sorry self control

- holy shit this is incredible

- DONT STOP FOR CONVERSATION DAISY

- FUCK THEY DID IT I WASNT READY I SQUEAKED

- oh for fucks sake is nothing ever easy

- IS FITZ DEAD WTF

- what hAs she done?!

- dramatic slightly melancholy music

- Enoch my baby I don’t want him to go but I feel like he won’t hesitate to save the team

- talk faster daisy jeez

- what did I fucking tell you

- he won’t hesitate bitch

- deke just looks so amazed that someone would do something like that

- oh no Enoch

- why does it look like an arc reactor

- Joel Stoffer is so good

- “I am feeling, as you might expect, some anxiety now” me before my exams next year

- Getting philosophical about death and imma cry

- or should I say PHIL-osophical

- I’m sorry it’s the wrong time I’ll use that joke another time

- the team won’t survive?

- someone’s gonna get left behind in the past (i.e. they’ll survive but it’ll split the team)

- I have this feeling it’ll be daisy and daniel and they’ll stay in the past and have beautiful babies

- OR what if Daniel gets left behind and he finds Peggy and they live happily ever after like I always wANTED

- but even if that happened something’s still going to happen to the rest of the team

- tears in my fucking eyes

- AS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN IT MAKES SENSE FUCK

- THE CUPS LIKE DAISY

- nice parallel lads

#agents of shield #aos #the final mission #phil coulson #daisy johnson #jemma simmons #leo fitz #enoch #deke shaw #yo yo rodriguez #melinda may #mack #daniel sousa #marvel #tv #mcu #reaction #holy shit #time travel #time loop

[huntsman-ash]

RWBY V8 Livethought Stream: Episode 1

And as I have done for the last couple of seasons, here is my live thoughts as I watch the episode. Spoilers below, of course, for RWBY Volume 8, Episode 1: Divide.

First shot we get is of Cinder cleaning a floor. Dammit, and I was hoping she was secretly a whore in Mistral. Ehh.

Convinent that the Grimm Whale has LANDING PADS on its side. Quite a few of them actually. Do Grimm launch from them like VTOL attack craft?

Neo and Cinder are flying a new as of yet un-named vehicle. Im going to call this one the Remora cause it kinda looks like one.

Im getting massive Leviathan vibes from this whale. Wont lie. Mixed with a bit of Hive influence from Destiny.

Neos look of confusion and fear is at the same time both amusing and adorable. Also, she has no shirt over her bellybutton, which I find slightly amusing.

Salems throne has some kind of link to somethign else in the Whale, there’s no other reason for it to have that glowing power bank on the back. Also it seems to be made of bone, as is most of the rest of the interior. So...presumably, Salem shaped this entire thing like a bonesinger.

Salem still got the titties out uniform AND I STILL HATE THAT HER VOICE IS JEN TAYLOR!

Salems got Grimm bone arm bracers. Interesting..

LAMP

Neo is literally saving this entire episode for me with her silent adorable sass.

And Tyrian with the ABSOLUTE FIRE. Also hey hes back, guess he got up here somehow.

Note on the throne Room; all the doors we see are connected to Salem’s throne via those glowing lines, which seem to curve and go elsewhere. I think this is the Whale’s nerve center. And it looks like its on the back if the huge bone in the reare near the teeth is its spine.

And Neos like “hey wait I didnt sign up for this”

Correction; its not a door, its a MOUTH. Wall mouth.

ANNNNDD new designs for everyone on the evil team. HAVEL BE BEAR BRO. TOTAL GAY ENERGY. It looks like he tore the sleeves of a nice dress shirt and just BELTED it in place. And Merc looks like a fucking GOPNICK, HA! What the fuck does he have hanging from his right leg though. 

Yeah, knew it. She touches the throne and the whale responds. Its her command seat, literally.

And Salem putting that bitch IN HER PLACE. You do it queen.

And now to the bottom of the hole under Atlas. THIS. THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS IMAGINED MANTLE TO LOOK LIKE. VINDIFUCINGCATION AFTER FUCKING 6 YEARS!

Old dudes and faunus. Interesting. OLD DUDE FAUNUS WITH LIKE GIANT FUCKING MOLE CLAWS, DAMN.

Fuckin scramble the moment RWBY shows up. Man that was fast, I was hoping Oscar would be lost for a bit longer.

I still cannot believe how THIN the wall defending Atlas is. ITS LIKE TWO FEET THICK AT THE MOST! A METAL BARRIER WITH CONCRETE SUPPORTS! WHAT THE FUCK ATLAS

And Mantle proper slowly decends into what I have always seen it as. Good.

And May takes out a drone with her weapon like a chad. Nice. I guess Atlas doesnt keep track of their drones...wouldnt shock me

Ahhh resistance headquarters inside an old bar. The Huntress’s moving personnel...nice.

Oscars like “no dont touch me” and then “oh wait, titties, oh yeah...” Poor confused farmboi

OH MY GOD. VODKA IS CANON IN RWBY! HOLY SHIT YES!

Huh. Who’s the eyepatch chick with the cute faunus on the wall there. Interesting.

May Marigold; no nonsense. Good

“Largets Grimm Horde ever seen”. Okay, sure. Doesnt seem that big to me honestly.

Interesting. Ammunition cases on Remnant are nearly identical to ours, down to the large rectangular lockingn flap on one end.

Hmm. Casualties, judging by the watch and dropped material. No surprise. The weak get eaten in this world.

Also hey, faunus Futaba

Oh wonderful, no free-launch for the stadium. BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT RIGHT?

Also, Stilltskin on the wall there. Some kind of whiskey

Main Atlesian Military Compound. Prepping myself for a MASSIVE dissapointment...

“Operations room”. Well, I guess it fits, but I would ASSUME its more accurately called a command and control center, or possibly command information center, depending. We’ll see soon enough.

Salems out in open war? Good. Time to break out the fuckin heavies people.

NGL this whole scene feels really oddly hamfisted. Its...strange. Doesnt feel like its flowing naturally.

Noras got a point but like, bruh, its Remnant. No ones got fucking militiares. You sat on your fucking hands for 80 Y EARS AND THIS IS HOW IT SHAKES OUT FOR YOU

And there’s a difference between division emotionally and splitting up to handle two objectives. Ruby, please stop being a civilian for 20 seconds and THINK

Cute, Penny’s gone full maiden depressed. First thoughts; self sacrifice.  Good idea. But make it more brutal, Penny. Make it a frontal assault that will make that bitch BEG for the end she cannot have. You have lasers, you have maiden powers, hit that whore with an alpha strike that will make Nicolas Kerensky wince!

Goooood. Pennys going for Atlas. CUT THEM TO RIBBONS POLENDIA!

Two teams, two days. Two seperate stories and things get messy.

IRONWOOD LITERALLY CALLS PENNY ON THE PHONE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

Remnant is doomed. Lol, jumped a head a little bit buddy? Get out for a little bit mate. See some of the other kingdoms, check how they’re doing.

Atlas has defenses? Sure they do. Something tells me we’re not seeing that...

And guilttrip. Wooooooo not impressed.

Awww Marrow sadboi.

Actually the aces all look sand OH BECAUSE ITS CLOVER. WHY IS HE THERE? ARE THEY-OH DONT YOU FUCKING DARE RT. DONT YOU FUCKING DARE BRING HIM BACK.  FUCK YOU IF YOU DO. HE SERVED HIS FUCKING PURPOSE AND NOW HES DEAD, LEAVE HIM FUCKING BE!

ALSO HES FUCKING DUMB AND USELESS AND WE NEED HARE TO LEAD THE ACES NOW OKAY? We need someone willing to draw blood, not a showboat

Hare’s commentary is mine. Angry snort indeed.

Winters there too, looks like shes still beat to shit. Annnd there’s Ironwoods new arm.

Adorable specialist is adorable. Huh. Wonder if I can use her for something.

Medical brace for Winter...odd. Did she suffer burns or something? A stimm sleeve like in Gears?

Blah blah giant Grimm force blah blah okay yeah whatever

Atlas has hardlight shields. Okay, good. But we know how useful those are against proper attacks...You got anything else? Missiles? AA batteries? SOMETHING?

Seriously its a giant flying army, fill the fucking sky you morons!

Oh look its the two useless members of Atlas’s council.

YEAH! FUCK YEAH! THATS WHAT I WANNA SEE! GET HIS ASS IRONWOOD! FUCK YEAH! NOW SHOOT THE OTHER BITCH TOO! MAKE IT CLEAR THEYVE SERVED THEIR PURPOSE!

That POSTURE. THE CASUALNESS! THE PROPER FIRING STANCE! UGH ITS SO GOOD!

Wish we coulda seen the dude get smashed though. Damn ratings. I wanna know what a bullet does to a person in this universe.

Hare’s face here was the perfect ending to the situation. Confusion, wonder...acceptance. Exactly.

Same with Winter actually.

Huh. Wonder who Salems talking to.

And now for the new opening...

Everythings going to shit, shocker. Nic ecallbacks to other stuff. Oh great does Salem have WINGS now?

This last part reminds me of the trailer for Halo Wars 2

Wonder if the shadow under Crescent Rose at the end means anything.

Annnndddd thats it for this episode! See you all next week!

#rwby #volume 8 #rwby spoilers #rwby v8 #spoilers

[theskyexists]

the amazing she-ra 5

i am LOVING this first episode. they’re TRULY the underdogs now. people are hiding with magic. they live in tents. they’ve lost their edge. they’re actually leaning into the horrors of war now

Shadowweaver says OOC stupid things but it doesn’t matter because the princesses shut it down satisfactorily. Adora is weighed down by responsibility in a cool way.

Catra is staking out the enemy and weaseling her way in. (yessss)

‘You don’t need to say it! I know. I made that choice. I’m living with the consequences.’ I LOVE THIS ADORA

I LOVE THIS WRITING. Catra and Glimmer are THE greatest pair ever. Glimmer is smart enough to poke right through Catra’s defenses - and NOW they’re in the same situation - Glimmer says so - and immediately the prison wall fades away - and they’re both invited for dinner. THAT DELICIOUS WRITING

i do love how shadowweaver has been this snarky aunt for two seasons now.

Hord Prime shows us Adora in danger and Catra is like; FUCK YOU ADORA’S MINE (TO DESTROY) !!!!

I love Hord Prime’s wonderfully manipulative dinner. And I love glimmer quietly crying and I love Catra being like HRMMMM I DONT LIKE THIS. the subtle animations are so great - the close-ups

the way Catra speaks to Hord Prime - the way she’s really fuckin scared and the way Hord Prime says ‘little sister’. The way they make him seem unbeatable. I LVOE IT.

AND I LOVE THESE VISIONS FOR ADORA

jezus but how few people really live in etheria ?

the propaganda and the tech to boost prime’s image everywhere....ugh it’s delicious. im also happy Entrapta is back and on the good side instead of helping Catra be a bitch to Adora. and im glad the princesses are wary of her.

hahahaah awww Bo came to give adora breakfast and then he panics when she’s lying on the floor. I ALSO LOVE BO AND ADORA TOGETHER BEST

goddamnit Bo YAH! finally somebody who effectively protects someone from the masses. fuck off micah!

Love the princesses acting on their own - love Scorpia mediating, love mermista stepping up, love Entrapta using her .....intelligence

I love how Hord Prime manipulating Glimmer is used to show us more about his empire.

‘i only want to bring peace’ - but also i destroyed all these worlds. how is that...how is that even surface compatible?? like no attempt is made to align those two things.

wait....the heart of etheria will destroy the universe? why??? why is that the assumption. and why...does Hord Prime want that? i....

the comedy of the princesses doing a mission alone is GREAT

IM SO HAPPY THE PRINCESSES GOT TO HIT ENTRAPTA WHERE IT HURTS. now THIS is the right level of comedy versus hurt

the way scorpia rolled to cover frosta in her bulk!

i love how adora is like - HAH sleep is great actually! wow!!

because of the underlying grievances that we EXPERIENCED as audience, this friendship moment actually LANDS

I REINSTATE MY HOORAY!!! (hahahaha god i love scorpia). oh my god Micah saying he trusts glimmer’s friends to save her - fuckin hell - heart squeeze

LOOK AT THAT SHIT. LOOK AT IT!!! Glimmer being angry at Catra - but then recanting and showing vulnerability. Catra showing vulnerability by acquiescing. GOD!!!

‘why did you do it?’ OH GOD ARRGHGHHG THATS SO FUCKING PAINFUL. why does Catra scratch Adora? Because she doesn’t understand - seems to not make the effort to understand!! because she’s never understood that everybody always hurt her - she never fucking saw when it was right in front of her. THat’s even worse in a way than being hurt.

god the fuckin scale. the planet getting bombarded from space....jezus christ.

theres a hallway with light and dark at the end - its implied she goes into the dark - BECAUSE SHE INTENDS TO HIDE FROM WHO FOLLOWS HER

wow she instantly realises he’s hordak. ha!

Catra is being so open with Glimmer. She’s REALLY REALLY! off balance

they have a talking ritual!!!! THEYRE BONDING ABOUT ADORA BEING A DORK!!!!

Catra realises that nothing she was doing on Etheria had any value to her!!!! I LOVE THIS SEASON SO MUCH

I love how Adora gets to be such a badass dork this season!!!! Bo and Adora + Glimmer and Catra are the BEST COMBINATION

godDAMN they made these clones creepy. damn i LOVE Hord Prime!!!

catra/glimmer......tho.....

she pushes her onto the bed and kneels before her, holding her hands. DUDES. MY DUDES!!!! catra is they gayest cat in existence

‘do one good thing in your life!’ - oh OUCH god, you can feel the whole weight of all the hurt and injustice she’s experienced in ‘dont talk to me like you know me!’

HAHAHAHAHAHAH BO losing his mind and Adora being a hilarious himbo is SO GOOD

I LOVE CATRA’S ABSOLUTELY HEARTBREAKING ADORABLE MEMORY AND HALLUCINATIONS

‘im alway going to be your friend’  - ‘i’ll never say sorry to anybody’ GODDD

‘all i do is hurt people, there’s no one left in the entire universe who cares about me’ - a reasonable assumption based on your behaviour except for the fact that Adora has been trying to reach you for 4 FUCKING seasons with hand outstretched

THAT WAS SO FUCKING DRAMATIC I AM IN LOVE !! IN LOVE WITH THEM!!!!

are you fucking SERIOUS - ENTRAPTA MADE AN AB WINDOW IN BO’S SPACE SUIT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

the animation in this goddamn season is CRAZY and INCREDIBLE

I ADORE Catra the self Martyr i ADORE that she’s going to go through the wringer still in Hord Prime’s hands.

THIS SEASON IS WORTH ALL THE REST

are YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME- i HATE THAT SHIT WHY MUST YOU MAR THIS SEASON WITH AN INTERRUPTION OF AN APOLOGY. STOP IT!!! IT’S NOT FUN IT’S NOT SATISFYING IT RUINS THE MOMENT IT WEAKENS THE EMOTION BY DRAGGING IT OUT FUCK!!!!

well i guess that was pretty good with Adora. wish they had made that a little bit longer

i love entrapta. she’s such a perfect element to throw into the mix. and her connections with AI’s are great

that scorpia and swift wind talk is so beautiful. they are also the PERFECT pair. ‘gosh have you ever noticed how many moons we have here? it’s weird.’ HAHAHAHA

they’re visiting a planet that’s been conquered by Prime...

I love how they made Entrapta flirty with her tech ahahahaha

i love how Adora is like: oh??? you’re coming to me??? for emotional advice??? uhhhhhh ok haha nice

I LOVE ADORA

i love swift wind’s drunk history retelling of what’s going on on Etheria - especially his impression of shadowweaver and his batman micah

Bo sure is very bad at forgiveness himself lol

‘well im NOT! running awayy that is. i AM smart’ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i love you adora

Adora spewing all her bullshit about Catra to total strangers ahahaha

this was SUCH amazing teamwork!!!

AND THAT MOMENT OF SHE-RA BEING BACK!!!!

GLIMMER ACKNOWLEDGING SHE MADE A MISTAKE AND THAT BO DESERVES TO BE MAD AND MAYBE THINGS WON’T BE THE SAME AGAIN BUT SHE WON’T STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER AND SHE’LL BE THERE IF HE’S EVER READY

FUCKING TEARS BABEY

jezus christ !! that was good!!! i take it back - it was a stupid interruption (they could have just had Bo respond ‘eh’ at an attempt at apology from glimmer....maybe) but they made the final apology INCREDIBLE

‘i can’t just leave her...’ the voice acting in this is sO GOOD

Catra made her whole plan to keep Adora away from Prime based on the assumption that if Glimmer was in Prime’s hands, then Adora would come to rescue her no matter the danger. So she saved Glimmer. But SHE FAILED TO REALISE THAT ADORA WOULD DO THE SAME FOR HER AHAHAHAHAHAHAA

the amazing thing about these highly tech advanced societies is that none of them have invented security cameras

glimmer getting some ptsd flashes

I KNEW that the heart of etheria was built by the First Ones to fight Hordak. Makes Mara’s decision a bit more ---- hMMMM not as great. Because Hordak has killed countless worlds since!

the hive mind lol. jezus Prime is so terrible.

oh my god the very concepts of Prime when behind a fictional buffer are so archtypically delicious. Catra’s glowy green eyes and full bow. hohhohhohho. that uniform also looks great

so Prime could do this to everyone but he chose to surround himself with clones. goddamn.

oh damn that lean-in, those hands on her neck. hmmmhm. gay

she FLINCHES when Prime lays a hand on her shoulder. DAMN. love it

‘you will give me she-ra’ ---- isn’t that what she’s been offering all along? lol

AND THEN HE LEAVES ADORA WITH A BRAINWASHED CONTROLLED PUPPET CATRA WHO ATTACKS HER

OH ITS SO DELICIOUS

brainwashed Catra is really sexy and disturbing hahahahahaha

this fight is so well choreographed. Catra letting herself almost fall, Adora gathering her into her arms, the scratch across the back, the damn knee into the midriff (OUCH), the dangling her in turn.

‘i always hated that guy in particular - and also all the other guys i hit on the way in.’ LOLOLOLOL

THE CHEEK TOUCH - THE TEARS AND SMILE - THE GREEN EYES AND THE BACKHAND AFJLDJFDSJFLKDSJSDFKSDFJ

‘you’re such an idiot!’

‘yeah! i know!’

I LOVE THEM AAAAAAAAAAAAA ITS SO TRUE AHAHAHAHAHAHAI LOVE THEM

‘im going to take you home’

‘promise?’

NOELLE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME

Adora watches Catra probably die and fall off into a endless pit. JUMPS IN AFTER HER ONE SECOND LATER

Prime really did miscalculate lol - his ship’s been destroyed by one stab at a server.

CATRA ALMOST DYING AND ADORA TRANSFORMING WITH GLOWY EYES GODDAMN!!!! HOLDING CATRA INTO HER ARMS BRIDAL STYLE. NEW OUTFIT!! WALKING INTO THE SHIP LIKE A BOSS. AND HEALS HER. HEY ADORA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE FUCKING

PURRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all the fucking crying is so good

‘I kNOW YOU ALL HATE ME!” ‘I NEVER HATED YOU’ ‘Then you’re dumber than I thought’ HAHAHAHAHA i love how Catra cannot accept Adora’s friendship because she cannot forgive herself. but Adora never fucking gets it because she has the emotional intelligence of a crab!!!! the problem is that Adora is the exact shape of Catra’s heart - which is one big open wound. And if she presses - all she does is cause hurt

Catra is so adorable looking god.....

SPINERELLA AND NETOSSA KISSED!!!!!!!! awwwwwww they’ve been so cute for so long and they only got more and more screentime and Awwwww

Not-Hordak and ‘dehydrated protein slaw’ AhAHAHAHA

how did they find us? UHHH THERES A CHIP IN CATRA’S SPINE????

ADORA TELLING CATRA WHAT’S UP!! YES! Catra in a corner. Catra on her damn KNEES. ADORA BLUSHING AT HOLDING HER HAND

their first impulse is to hold each other at the ship shaking.

CATRA IS BLUSHING LOOKING AT ADORA TRANSFORM

SHE-RA CAN LITERALLY FLY THROUGH SPACE - well. make matter from light, breathe in a vacuum, jumpt from one asteroid to another....

I AM GLIMMER IN THIS: YEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Catra is very lucky that her biggest likely hater is already on her side: glimmer

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SPINERELLAAAA. what a fuckin bait and punch goddamn! making them so cute and then foreshadowing it perfectly and then BAM

CATRA IS CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO MESS WITH ADORA BY LITERALLY JUMPING INTO ADORA’S LAP

fjadslkfasdjflkadjfsja

CATRA IS

PURRING

catra is so effortlessly cool sitting in the window sill

i am actually loving that they have a not-Hordak with them. it humanises those clones a lot

this prince has farsight but they NEVER thought to recruit him BEFORE???

FUCKIN - I LOVE how spinerella and netossa have gotten so much more screentime - relevant to the plot and also revealing their characters. i wish we’d got this from the start!

well now i ship perfuma and scorpia lolololol

HAHAHAHAHA i LOVE this Seahawk and Mermista hiding behind a bar because of ex victims skjsfajfklds

Prince Peekabloo has an AMAZING design, but also he must be a fake. IT MUST BE DOUBLE TROUBLE. double trouble has TASTE

MERMISTA LOOKS SO COOL IN THAT OUTFIT - but also especially chipped and in shadows. they do love chipping people’s love interests

SCORPIA SACRIFICING HERSELF TO SAVE PERFUMA. jezus christ so much love interest drama suddenly wow

‘happy anniversary’ that is HEARTBREAKING

what a great ending to a very silly episode. that’s the balance. a last message from the last soldier standing...

‘WHY DOES SPACE HATE ME SO MUCH!?!?!’ hahahahaah

Catra’s fingers shake......

‘take it from somebody who’s defeated you guys, like, a lot’ AAHAHAHA

FINALLY CATRA IS ON THEIR SIDE TO BE THE SMARTS IN TEH ROOM

ADORA LOOKS SO BADASS IN THAT SPACESHIP CHAIR

chipping everyboddy so they’re like zombies was a great story idea.

catra upset at her signs of upset. CUTE

why the FUCK is Adora’s hair out of her spacesuit ahahahahahahaha. IM SO GLAD THAT BO AGREES WITH ME ON THE ADORABLENESS OF CATRAS HELMET HAHAHAHAHAA

catra is happy to see adora laugh again.... : ‘)

CATRA JUST CLAWED THROUGH FIVE CENTIMETERS OF STEEL????!?!?!?!

ADORA IS BLUSHING AAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

I LOVE how Catra is like, WHAT THE FUCK at having lost to these people

Entrapta trying to deal with Wrong-Hordak in existential crisis is a hilarious premise

THE ANGRIER YOU GET THE CUTER YOU ARE!!! I LOVE BO

oh wow! a first ones colony! very cool! this whole planet works against intruders and plays tricks on them. i do like how first ones are definitely like, still imperial shitlords like subtly. i love how Wrong-Hordak has a realisation arc in the background.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS CREEPY

CATRA DISARMED THIS CAT CREATURE WITH HER CUTE SNEEZE AHAHAHAHA

CATRA IS PETTING A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHA EVERY SINGLE THING WE COULD HAVE EVER WANTED IS COMING TRUE

catra is working on not lashing out :’) <= literally adora and also me

Melog is so ADORABLE and imprinted on Catra and LOVES ADORA and AGHGHGHG

I love how Adora can make her eyes glow on command

Castaspella was blushing at Shadowweaver being so close lolololol. wow this is the first time Castaspella has been interesting. ‘and stop me, if i take the power for myself’ i love aunty shadowweaver.

AAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAH WHAT HAHAAHHAAAAHA Catra notices she’s holding Adora’s hand and goes ARGGH and doesn’t just take her hand back but throws it away ahhaahaha. Adora doesn’t even respond. that was so hilarious for some reason.

GLIMMER KISSING CATRA’S CHEEK HELLO??? HELLO?????????

‘is what i would have said before i joined you. go team’ hahahaa

‘you’re wearing hooded cloaks. that’s highly suspicious’ AHAHAHAHAHA fucking meta

I LOVE HOW ADORA IS THE ‘oh god my fuckin friends blowing our cover great’ person here

MELOG IS ALREADY STEALING MUSHROOMS FOR CATRA TO EAT AHAHAHAHA I LOVE THEM

Spinerella and Netossa are so BADASS and i love their fight. it’s so deliciously painful and cool hehehehehe

so the only person im fighting here is!.....my own wife...

I LOVE THEM

spinerella is so op lololol - why did she barely do anything for them when they were still fighting hordak

wrong hordak is so fucking cute ahahahahaha

goddamn that reunion was touching and funny at the same time. and i can actually believe that Prime is having trouble with this slippery team of magic users

I love Netossa’s analysis of the princesses weaknesses. Adora: can’t act to save her life. also extreme hair envy with she-ra

BUT GLIMMER: crippling self-doubt mixed with overwhelming hubris AHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA

OH MY GOD SHE SPRITZED CATRA WITH WATER JFDKLDFWDSFKSDFKJLDSJFJDSFKDSLKFSDLFJLKFLKDJFLKS AHAAHAHAAHA

PERFUMA DON”T BE A BITCH TO CATRA. (even though yeah Catra did treat Scorpia bad) she’s right you need to fuckin go for the neck (this episode is gonna show us that you need to damage the chip AND get through to scorpia and it’s going to take catra and perfuma ofc)

awwwww glimmer and bo.... bo is really worried about his dad :’( . this is the first time ive found myself shipping bo and glimmer.....the way he sighs into her arms, turns his face into her neck. Yes....

AWWW CATRA AND ADORA CHALLENGING EACH OTHER AGAIN AWWWW

BO’S DADS LEFT HIM A CLUE IN A FUCKING DAD JOKE ahahaahahahahaah

perfuma is really getting on my nerves here. ‘we dont throw tanks at our friends’ uhhhh shes trying to kill you. just let perfuma get electrocuted adora

AH THEY FINALLY GIVE AN ORIGIN STORY FOR ‘GRAYSKULL’! ha! i do love how they keep elaborating on the First Ones as tyrants as well

hmm perfuma was right i guess. i didnt really like that development. urgh god perfuma is so grating lol..

i wonder how shadowweaver and catra are gonna....deal with each other....

hah. shadowweaver tries to weasel in with Adora again. but Adora won’t stand for it again....

Melog literally acts out Catra’s emotions and jumps adora playfully. hehehehe

shadowweaver is such a fucking bitch. i wonder if we’ll ever get her to admit guilt or apologise

no adora. you have to fucking defend catra to shadowweaver. THAT is what you have to do now that you can!

SHE JUST JUMPED INTO FIRE FOR ADORA

shadowweaver preying on Adora and Catra again goddddd. let this be an episode in which they finally shuck her off. Adora fucking THINK, the only reason you could transform in the first place was BECAUSE of Catra.

YEAHHHHH CATRA!!!!!!!! GETTING ALL THE INFO BEFORE ADORA GETS MANIPULATED INTO SOMETHING SHE DIDN’T CHOOSE. naturally she still chooses to do it.

Melog lies half on top of Adora while Catra watches her.... god fuckin hell Melog being an extension of Catra’s feelings is so fucking AMAZING

holy FUCK that confrontation. (i love how every confrontation between adora and catra starts in roughhousing - their language is extremely physical). this is the softer version of catra’s and adora’s dynamic. Catra loves Adora and she wants Adora to choose HER, LIFE WITH HER. ‘what do you want?’ (WHAT ABOUT ME??) But Adora always chooses some higher hero purpose over her. and she doesn’t want to watch Adora die....

‘i dont have to watch it happen...’

god fuckin hell this season.

shadowweaver BELIEVES that she did the right things - of course. and that’s fascinating. and I love that Adora finally totally truly was like: YOU RUIN PEOPLE AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. fuck yeah!

so when was the moment that Adora couldn’t become she-ra anymore? think it’s when she lost track of Catra....

I love Melog - I love how Catra cannot hide from her feelings anymore - at all.

the way glimmer asks adora ‘are you scared?’ ugh MY HEART

i love martyrs. i fucking LOVE martyrs.

oh my god hallucination Catra touching foreheads with Adora.....

EVERYTIME Glimmer just straight up shows Catra affection? that’s some good shit. i thought we were gonna have Glimmer going after Catra for her mother’s death at one point but no....not at all. and i dont mind it

GLIMMER SAID I LOVE YOU TWICE TO BO AND THEN BO SAID IT BACK AND KISSED HER DSFKSDLBJDS FOREHEAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MARA!!!

the fights this season have been SO! GOOD!

i love how they’ve set up that Glimmer is a fucking POWERHOUSE. she can turn the tide of battle in a blink!

naturally they pit Micah against Glimmer. jfc this poor family....

there is something important about Prime not remembering Mara....

SHE BEAT MICAH SHE BEAT HIM!!!! WALKING RIGHT THROUGH HIS STORM OF DARK MAGIC.

SCORPIA CRADLED BO LIKE A BABY

SHADOWWEAVER SAVING CATRA? FOR ONCE???? FOR ONCE CHOOSING CATRA OVER POWER????? FUCK THAT’S CATHARTIC EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY TO GET ADORA TO THE HEART

catra has such a soft heart really. she still, after everything, loves shadowweaver. god....

SHE SAID SHE WAS PROUD OF CATRA. SHE --- SHE - SHE SACRIFICED HERSELF. GOD THE VOICEACTING FOR CATRA WHEN SHE - ADORA FALLING TO HER KNEES. THEIR PSEUDO MOTHER... AGHLDJDWFJJDSLF

FUCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKk

EVERY SINGLE LINE IS SO GOOD, so well-acted. the ‘im ready’ the way she says ‘catra’ like she can’t take anything anymore

i couldn’t write anything for the whole rest of that i was just covering my mouth with my hands

The fuckiN KISS! the look of PURE LOVE on ADoRA”S FACE

which in the back of my head - they cannot actually cut that in any way - it’s impossible to cut

adora with those blue eyes in the blaze, the magic is beautiful adora excising prime from hordak’s mind (WOW), adora and catra touching foreheads and the slight PURR you can hear, adult bo and glimmer (lookin so nice), adult catra (LOOKING SO HANDSOME in her prom-y outfit,) Glimmer chasing Catra, just, GOD, THE UTENA FUCKING REFERENCE, the way they say they love each other, my GOD, Scorpia being like woah perfuma you look nice, MY GOD MY GOD MY GOD THEM GOING TO SPREAD MAGIC TO THE UNIVERSE GOD!!!!!!

every single thing in this season was worth 4 seasons of enjoyable, entertaining, interesting, frustrating and meh. WOAH! WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#she ra #i have been BLOWN! AWAY!!! EVERYTHING WAS WORTH IT #my stuff #vidi #THiS WAS AN EXPERIENCE #OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

[aceyanaheim]

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.) 

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals  but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms: 

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour.  Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.  

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info)  and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time. 

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD) 

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection. 

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd) 

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder) 

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be)  but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending) 

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down  and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders) 

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.) 

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this  physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah) 

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years) 

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help) 

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s) 

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist) 

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.:  Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even  kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem)  deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this. 

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with  on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do. 

How your disorder/s affect your relationships 

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

 Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems. 

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad) 

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes.  All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on  my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

 What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )  

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression.  I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things. 

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and  hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

 Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of  analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot)  My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

 Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to  reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away. 

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

 The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #mental health awareness 2018 #mental health awareness 2019 #mha2018 #well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it #depression cw #anxiety cw #self harm cw #suicidal feelings cw #ableism #abuse mention #fillicide mention #uuuh I think that covers it #here goes

[tumblunni]

Wow i had such a weird dream?? The story itself wasnt too unusual, just an emotional moment of an anime that doesnt exist, but the way the dream delivered it was really confusing!

The plot of this apparant anime was that there was some sort of ragtag group of monster people wandering the earth looking for a place they could belong without being hated. And i got the feeling here that they'd just found a place where things were going good, but the show's recurring villains appeared and revealed their secret to the town and now they had to flee again as everyone they thought was a friend took up pitchforks against them.

And the main focus character was really interesting? I dont think he was actually the protagonist but he got the focal role in this episode. Cos the monsters had to disguise themselves as humans to live in this town, and this was the youngest monster who didnt know how to do that yet. He had a really emotional struggle of pushing himself so hard to try and master this skill, because he was actually unique amoung the group for being a monster that was actually once human. So it was a combination of frustration at being a burden to his new friends, with desperation to finally see his own face in the mirror again.

And I feel like maybe before he became a monster he was bigoted against them and scared of them? Within the dream i recalled watching that other episode some other day, and apparantly it was super emotional. It started off just seeming like another 'we find the town of the day along our journey and meet some friends and/or solve a conflict' type thing. And this kid was mostly antagonistic through the episode, a dumb naive kid who believed everything negative about monsters and now struggled with the situation of being the only one who knew the truth that these guys are monsters but also now theyre doubting whether they should reveal it because these people seem so..normal?? And scared?? Starts to doubt whether all the other monsters executed by the corrupt church in their town were fully sentient too, and every time the 'nice' priest was teaching them how to spot liars he was really teaching them how to kill innocent monster people who were just as scared as the humans are of them. But the roots of gaslighting and abuse from this priest ran deep, so the kid struggled with the choice and ultimately made the wrong decision. Also i think maybe theres a reveal that the priest was actually their biological dad too, just for even more levels of why theyd make that wrong decision. And more reasons why its horrifying that the priest dad just treats his kid like shit once they outlived their usefulness. Im thinking something like the kid tries to make up for their mistake and save the protagonists but they get captured by their dad and like.. Ok holy fuck this dude is outright willing to murder his son and he's eminantly aware that these monster people are 100% sentiebt because he's using the threat of killing his son as a way to get them to lay down their weapons and agree to be recaptured. And then i think there was something super messed up when it was revealed all the monster attacks that happened to the town to get them so scared and paranoid were actually orchestrated by the priest as a form of control over his citizens. He had some sort of Ominous Doom Science to both turn people into monsters and control them to do his bidding. And like the predictable asshole he is, even after the protagonists gave up in order to save the kid he still killed him anyway. And after snapping his neck he threw him down into the prison cell with the protagonists and was like 'lets torment them by making them fight the kid they wanted to save'. Because it turned out he'd been doping the kid with a special dose of the monster formula ever since birth, and he was his 'secret weapon' all along without knowing it. Ultra super mega concentrated doom form of the artifical monsters he uses in his army, activated upon the moment of the kid's death. But then it turns out the ultimate experiment was too much for him to control and the kid was able to keep their mind in their new form, and turn against him to save their new friends. But when they realized what had happened to them, they broke down in fear. And everything was super depressing cos the protagonists knew this poor kid was now doomed to share their fate as monsters, and theyd have to take them away fron everythung theyd ever known in order to keep them safe. But also heartwarming at the same time because the kid had never known a truly loving family before, and as they passed out in the arms of main protagonist mom friend werewolf they felt like maybe this is what having a real family is like...

So anyway that led to a bit of an angsty team dynamic with this new recruit? The kid was obviously all new to monsterness and terrified of everything. But also even now they were struggling with that 'what if my abusive dad is right' instinct drilled into them from all those years. They still struggled with really believing that monsters arent evil, and like 'no i must have only disobeyed him because i was infected and i didnt know it, monsters are evil and i became one because i'm evil too'. Unwilling to believe that their dad did that to them and trying to find excuses where it would be their own fault. Maybe the kid was even tricked by another villain at some point who lied about having a cure? Like even whenthey became more able to trust their new monster friends they were still like 'theyd be happier if they became normal right?' Lots of angst and messing up and this poor kid feeling not only weak and useless to the team but also outright toxic to them.

So all of this led to this situation where disguising yourself as a human is a skill all the other team members already mastered and this kid is struggling real hard to accomplish it in order to save the day. Ans its extra depressing cos they havent seen their original human face in months, and theyre trying to cling onto the memories but scared they migjt forget what it was like to be human. And then i cant really recall all the details but i feel like the writing and cinematography were just super amazing emotional on this scene of the kid struggling to Do The Thing in time to save their friends, and like.. Atone for all their mistakes.

Also i think like the kid had this big super kaiju ultimate chimera form which was what their dad designed them to be, but also most of the time they were poofed into a tiny mascot sized version of that. And theycd never actually managed to control their powers enough to turn into their battle form willingly until now. Just this super depressing and also uplifting scene of this fuckin tiny monster kid being pinned to the ground underneath the villain's heel, trying desperately to turn human again to save their friends. And i think it was an awesome moment where they did manage to regain their old face for just a few seconds, but instead of actually learning to master the human transformation they learned to master their battle form instead. Like, accepting that that old face isnt who they are anymore, and it wont help like they thought it would. What they really need now is their REAL face! Some sort of dramatic badass speech about this that cuts the villain's philosophy right in half, and then a badass scene of tiny kid finally being able to control (and not be scared of!) their beast form, and fight the whole damn army singlehandedly to save their friends!

Also i think there was an extra emotional moment somewhere along the way where one of yhe villain generals was like 'no, stop, i want to see if they can do this', and actually started motivating the kid. Like i think they were a brainwashed soldier of the old priest bastatd who was sent to kill these monsters supposedly to avenge the priest's dead kid but they were actually starting to have doubts when this terrifying monster that 'killed them' seemed to act so much like a child. So this was the big moment of them finall believing the kid, and getting to see proof it really was them and the priest really was a manipulative evil bastard all along. So i think they switched sides and joined super powered up kiddo in fighting their fellow knights, giving them the keys to go free their friends. And possibly this knight person also joined the team after this and was the first proper human ally theyd ever had? And probably had loads of emotional plots of atoning

ANYWAY that was the cool really engaging story of my dream that i wish i could watch a real anime about!

But the weird part was that this was all delivered really fragmented cos of how little sleep ive had lately. I was seeing it in the form of (for some reason) laying down on the stairs at my abusive father's old house, listening to it playing on the tiny tv he had in his room. And you may have noticed i kept mixing up the kid's pronouns, thats because everyone in the dream was represented visually by a character from some other franchise and it was REALLY confusing! The kid was like an amalgamation of all the dudes from Wolf's Rain which i guess is where the concept of wandering monsters in human illusion came from. (Tho they werent all reverse werewolves like in that show) It was weird cos i knew this character was meant to be a child but they looked like five ripped teenagers smooshed together? Cos i havent seen that show in ages and couldnt even remember the protagonist's name. (Was someone called Hide or is that a guy from tokyo ghoul? I think they had the outfit of the tokyo ghoul guy.) And then predictably the evil priest dad was cornello from full metal alchemist mixed with my old doctor who had the same name. But less predictably the redeemed villain holy paladin knight guy was replica riku from kingdom hearts?? Ans specifically his medal from the app game, like he came with a floating medal attatched to his waist like a mermaid who was also a coffee table.

Also it just ended with a floating box of hair dye that turned to face the camera and it was actually coffee in a hair dye package. Like an exact replica of the blonding bleach i usually use, right down to every detail, but all the text was replaced with coffee info. I..i dont know what that has to do with anything else that just happened...

Oh also i think maybe one of the other teammates was a big cuddly 50-something circus ringleader type guy? He was the friendly comic relief but actually deep downn the most tormented of all of them. He'd been imprisoned as a circus attraction for most of his entire life and dressing up like a ringleader now he was free was kinda a way of coping? But yeh i think he bonded well with the kid cos they both didnt have much experience with being free and everything seemed new and scary. This guy also didnt have much experience of monster society either cos he'd been enslaved since he was a child. Man this anime sounds so fuckin intense and dark and emotional but also full of powerful friendship!! Why cant i watch any more episodes!! give me a sequel dream!!

#weird dream tag

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 14 - "This will be a fun finish" ~Amy

I'm so sorry Colin. I really thought you'd play your idol. I didn't mean to send you home, just weaken you. I was hoping to pick between Amy and Elle to send out 😬 

Sigh... I miss him 🥺 I think I'm gonna try to self-destruct this round. Keep you posted ❤️✨

Wait so Amy just told me they swapped the votes last minute on Anastasia, so she would've gotten 3 votes or something. Did nobody catch on that she had immunity then? 

Ahahahahaha fuck Colin somehow went home and it's partly my fault but it was a mix of a mess. Colin really believed jodi and jared were voting with him to get josh which seemed odd from the start. I have been talking and I think I know or as much as I can. I was the sole vote on jodi lol but I didn't get the memo to do anastasia until 859 and didn't have time to switch so I thought it would still be okay but somehow elle colin and I all voted differently lol whoopsies. Now I'm told jared used his idol on jodi but if Josh knee we were split I don't think he did. I think anastasia actually voted colin with Josh and Jared. Anastasia And jodi aren't budging that they voted elle so I guess jared could have given her the necklace to get colin. I am just so mad I didn't vote the same as elle 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm hoping josh believes elle used an idol so he votes with me and elle. I might need to use my steal this go and that would get it to 3-3 minimum and if Josh voted with me it would be 4-3 but I think Jared still has his idol. I am legit so sad about colin like I obviously flipped to save him and legit wanted him to win and I would come in second lol now I'm worried I won't make it bc Jodi is spreading I have an idol and obviously josh wanted to flush idols last round that's why he did that. I know hosht wants anastasia in his f3 but I'm just hoping he wants jared and or jodi out more but I think he wants me and elle out ☠️ the fact is if jared still has his idol he's safe now but he need to make it seem like we are voting him. I'm just so confused about the last one hahahaha I was going around asking like I'm not mad just confused lol. And I called colin before talking through everything and myself and elle I guess said I think we are fine ☠️ I can't believe it honestly just shocked. That's the thing like even when I said jared was lying to colin whichever round before colin was still trusting him and look jared did it again he is good at lying haha shooooot. This will be a fun finish. F6 and I just don't know how it's going to end. Rn I think I'd like any mix of elle josh or anastasia at the end WITH me but I won't be surprised if it's them but also elle said they might self destruct. So basically I don't know if I should use the steal and save my idol or just idol since I think it will be live. I guess if elle just says vote me out but like I need their number the next round. If I idol then elle votes with me next go, we'd be okay until 4. That's probably as far as I'm making it lol. That's my update 😭😭😭😭 sorry colin I wish you were still here

Nothing. This round really scares me because playing in the middle could really come back to haunt me. I wouldnt mind Jared leaving then i could have a better chance of winning immunity but at the same time all these advantages and Elle’s potential idol scare me. Jared revealed that i was the one who flipped last round but im reassuring her that it was just to flush idols.

My brain wheels are turning and Im realizing how scary this round is. Me Jared or Jodi will probably be leaving unless we play exactly right. There is a steal a vote so we cant split vote... So we would have to vote either Amy or Elle and pray they dont have an idol. Also Josh is with us now yayy!! And Josh talked to me about us voting to make a move not necesserily with everyone else so we can build our resume. We just need more info at this point. Elle literally told Jodi to vote her what. And Amy isnt talking to me that hard so I think Amy has an idol maybe idk 

OKAY! Amy has a single vote blocker and we don't trust Josh bc he voted Colin (even admitted it smh have shame man COLIN IS DEAD he's not dead but i do miss him hi Colin reading this❤️). I talked to so many ppl today why does everyone want me for my brain lol it's like the opposite end of objectifying someone 😂 I'M MORE THAN AHIGHLY DEVELOPED HIPPOCAMPUS, YOU GUYS 💔 jk jk anywaysss Video called with Jodi she is so sweet ❤️ also so stressed :( hate to see it also sorry everyone I told that I didn't have anything I didn't at the time??? But then Amy gave me her vote blocker so That's gonna be a thing tonight lol. Here's the plan: - Told Josh to vote Jodi bc he's too insecure of an ally now to trust that Amy and I are actually voting... - Jared, who may or may not still have an idol idk but he's annoying me with the question of it all lol use it or lose it at this point (but ty Jared for wearing pink all the way back 💖 still have not spoken to you sicne May lol) - Use the vote blocker on Jared's vote Any believes they're voting her and I believe that's likely! Who knows lol either way: 3 Elle/Amy 2 Jared 1 Jodi (maybe) Vote blocker used, now it's 2 Elle/Amy, 2 Jared, 1 Jodi Revoteeeee Elle or Amy, Anastasia, Jodi, and Josh get to revote (or something, i forget how this game works whatever I'm fine with whatever happens tonight and I'm bored of confessing oop! Amy just told Josh I have a vote blocker bc she transferred it to me 😂 and earlier I told Josh I didnt (bc I didn't) oml so help me I try to plan so enatly but then this game get messy anyway... xoxo, gossip girl

I am not sure what to do. I wanted to do a 3-2-1 on Elle and Anastasia, but it's so risky as Amy essentially can control what the outcome of this vote is. Elle and I had a weird call. they said that they "expected to self destruct in the early merge", and "feel free to vote" for them, they "don't really want to win". That's practically code word for "I'm going to idol you out of this game". Also, I studied the Stings series wiki to see that Colin has idoled before in a previous invisible round, so that's why I thought he'd idol here. I also realized after revisiting that today might actually be a reward challenge for information from the invisible round, since that's also what happened in that same season. We must be there for tonight, it's only 10 minutes (according to Amy) but heck, we got a plan anyways. 

Wow, my first written confessional! This is only because my video confessionals will take too long to upload, and I'd hate for Raffy to give me a strike. Anyways, things got messy today but the plan right now is to split votes between Amy and Elle. The goal is for one of them to go home while also getting an idol out of the game. The reason things got messy was because we originally proposed a 3-2-1 plan to Amy, but realized (1) she wasn't fully on board with us and (2) that we couldn't burn Anastasia like that in having her be the decoy vote. If Amy is actually with us, she's going to be pissed if she's still in and realized we lied to her yet again. If Amy isn't actually with us and is leaking our discussion to others to try to redirect the target to us, then clearly I don't feel as bad.

So final plan is 2-2-2 Elle Amy (whomever) if vote stolen, it means Amy isn't with us, we vote 3 Amy Very high chance I get idoled out here, but this is about as much as I can plan. Last time I got voted out, I tried to play so perfect. So perfect I didn't get a vote. Not getting a vote ended my game ☠️ We'll see. 

https://youtu.be/CeYz2tRXRBg

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https://youtu.be/wFgih-KTPMU

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https://youtu.be/_RTe9xDPDes

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Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Jodi: Manipulating the situation in her favor

Josh: Probably will make it to the end

Jared: Probably will make it to the end

Anastasia: Is on the bottom of the 4 person alliance

Amy: Is on the bottom but has advantages that no one suspects she has

Elle: People think they have advantages and is getting targeted over it

The group was given 5 minutes to discuss out loud who to vote out unanimously. If it wasn't unanimous, the whole group would go to rocks. After 5 minutes, they were allowed to play advantages if they wanted to. Elle chose to play their Vote Steal on Anastasia. For this round, a Vote Steal would immune the person it was used against. Additionally, this person would not be able to vote or have a say in the discussion. The group was given an additional 5 minutes. During the discussion, everyone except Elle (who wanted to go to rocks) said they would vote Elle. Then, when the vote was announced, the tribe instead went to rocks as it was not unanimous. Josh was rocked out

#episode #episodes

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 6 | “His best Amanda Kimmel "Go girl, give us nothing!" impersonation” - Liam

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ryrU-tXQbMyAa2Sl_GFiJb61i6qUNY-x/view?usp=sharing

aj went home??!?!?! hello!? JAKE SURVIVED SO THERE IS A GOD

Who feels like shit? Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. And now I remember why I feuded with Jakey... he literally did what ever he wanted. Which is very inconvenient for the rest of us. I know he put my name down. Granted 3 minutes ago I was sure it was Dan but after briefly snapping at him I put it together. Dan, 7:21 PM Seriously I’m not mad about it ahha I can see how my words were taken. And then I definitely said this afternoon we hadn’t talked and that was why I thought you would be the vote on my end Yeah you were a target before AJ started throwing my name out. I own up to that 100% So now it's time to play voting detective... yaayyyyyyyyyyyy (em llik) This entire vote started off with Jakey and Dan. Dan claims that he didn't bring my name up, but it would be an ass pull for Jakey to come to me with Dan wanting me dead immediately after the immunity challenge and then suddenly manifest it. Jakey immediately comes to me and I immediately come to the Dumb Betches (tm). I want Dan out but it's just not realistic as the other side isn't as comfortable playing with a pure beauty team. Next day we form the Thots R Us alliance and Jakey and Scott plead their case for AJ to leave and we, like idiots, go for it. Dan continues to campaign for me. Devon gets into the mix at some point and tells Dan that AJ is voting for him. Dan changes his vote. Now according to Augusto around this point, Jakey mentioned the possibility of having an extra vote before completely shutting it down. Claiming it to be "unnecessary". I think this sparked the idea to tell AJ about the vote under the guise of "golly gee I don't wanna vote for Dan because honor and stuff so I'm voting for you". I assume it's around then he wrote my name down. Like a bitch. Sorry I'm trying to be less hateful and aggressive but man it's harrdddddddd. My guess is that he wanted a beauty out no matter what and figured he'd have better luck convincing the others to vote for me in a situation where an idol is played. He probably also wanted me and Dan to turn further against each other. Unfortunately for him, I spent all of my impulse control that day on not chewing Dan's head off and I snapped immediately afterwords and so some things were cleared up. It has to be Jakey not just because of all the things lining up and not just because it is in his character but I genuinely can't imagine anyone else doing so. - AJ and Amir are loyal hoes. Plus if one of them did something that absurd, it wouldn't exactly benefit them. It puts strain between our relationships with the other players and honestly I don't know why they'd waste a vote on me when if an idol is played they risk losing a beauty majority. - Devon doesn't seem like he would make any waves and seems to have taken a liking to me. Granted I'm less sure about him then the others but he did put most of the work in convincing Dan not to put my name down. Plus he doesn't seem to have anticipated AJ having an idol. - Scott, to do something like this would have been risky. I'm his primary connection to the beauty alliance, if AJ were to play an idol he would have risked losing an asset. - I truly think Dan isn't lying to me because he genuinely believed if he didn't vote for AJ he'd be fucked. He wasn't comfortable with where the votes lied, to throw a vote towards me would have been pretty dumb and insanely reckless. Jakey is the only person I can think of who would go out so out of his way for something like this. Chaos is more or less his calling card. Plus it would be in his best interest to keep around someone in his majority alliance and get rid of a beauty. And he probably thought that I was a better option considering past history or whatever. :/ So now we have to sacrifice Jakey to the survivor gods not because he wrote my name down but because I can't trust him to keep his shit together and vote with us. We were going to target Dan next and he probably won't be chill with that. He probably would prefer to aim for Devon or One of the beauties. And that well, wouldn't be in my best interest either. In the mean time, I'm just going to sit still and look pretty. 

Ok, I need to make a quick apology. Talking to Autumn and Duncan has been the highlight of my game thus far. Autumn went to the same undergrad as me and Duncan is one of the most genuine guys I've ever met. I feel terrible for ever being doubtful of being on the same tribe as them. Because now I really think I have two more people that I feel I can trust and move with further, which (in the words of the perfect Mrs. Kim Spradlin) means I have options, and I think this can guarantee a spot for me at merge and a really good group to make some moves with that isn't as obvious to people. If we were to go to tribal, I think my target would be Connor which should be an easy vote given his general lack of activity on the tribe thus far, but I'm also not against the prospect of blindsiding Ali as I think there's a chance he has that Apis idol and I'm certain he has a few tricks up his sleeves.

okay soooo i have two LONG video confessionals uploading from the last two days but wow stuff is happening... so first off, the nuThoth tribe voted off... AJ?! which is so unexpected, that shakes up the game completely, like now it means the game is changed... it means the brawn four on this tribe sticking together is a really bad idea, and it just... everything has changed. i'm so so glad jake has survived, which keeps one good ally in on nuThoth. I'm still scared of Augusto/Amir/Kendall/Scott, but hopefully one will go if they go to tribal again? idek but yeah a lot of this will be repeated in my video, but god is a woman. and her name is autumn, i called with autumn for TWO HOURS yesterday and it was a transcendent experience, i literally love her so much. and it was such a good conversation, like i 100% overshared but it was great to kinda link up... i talked to her about adam (more on him later), she filled me in on the brain hot goss and she is of course someone i want to stick with. on this tribe, the two i feel best about are tj and autumn - tj i was SO mean to at the start but i actually get really good energy from him now? i really want to solidify something with him, i definitely want to stick wit him. jordan i think trusts me a lot but for some reason i continue to have anxiety about him (but he is a good shield in a merge situation). i for some reason get really good vibes from connor? i think i would love to talk to him more (will pm him today) - i think connor gives off good vibes and particularly since adam's conspiracy of a beauty illuminati is over i think i could trust him a lot? we haven't spoken much but he has really good ally potential imo. adam is a tricky one. for some reason i do NOT trust him. he is in EVERYONES pms peddling this same narrative and is just doing a lot? i think he is a real slippery player, and i feel like he is a fish who if we release into the ocean of a merge tribe we will never get back? i have such anxiety about him making it far so i'd love for him to go as soon as possible. its tough tho because now that a beauty majority voted off a beauty, i feel like the brawn four on this tribe need to do similar? so maybe i need to vote off liam? its just annoying because i trust liam, and i'd LOVE to get adam out but i dont see the numbers to pull that off. so i feel like we have to vote liam to give ourselves wiggle room as brawn players, but from there idk... because i want adam GONE grrrrrrrrrr its frustrating. hopefully we win this challenge, and the other tribe has another chance to get rid of someone... like the less decisions i have to make the better at this point i take it back jordan is so sweet, he is like a teddy bear... its just whether he is a care bear or lotso from toy story

i cant remember what my last confessional said so im just gonna start with last tribal: aj got voted out ........ of all the false beautys it had to be him the ONE who actually was nice to me and was the whistleblower on that main alliance? when i said it'd ironically beautiful to me to see one of the beautys voted out he was NOT any of the ones i was talking about then we get our next immunity and oh would you look at that... THREE people have to sit out meaning there's gonna surely be another chat with 5 people in it to say lets vote adam out AGAIN.......as soon as i saw this challenge my ptsd immediately was triggered and i was trying SO hard to sound like i wanted to be in one of the things even if i wouldnt have been good at it just so i could rest easy but it didnt really work out, in fact the highlight of the challenge was actually me and duncan and our contribution of sitting on the sidelines looking pretty while they all flopped but bless their hearts at least they tried, so now we're going back to tribal, and again i didnt compete in immunity which apparenly is cause for a target now so ... im HOPING that doesnt happen again, and if it does then i probably deserve to go home! i was kinda just.... not in the mood to talk to anyone much of yesterday or even today just because um.... i didnt want to dfakdfs mostly due to that dumb bitch DeDe Pressión just making me wanna do nothing but lay in bed and torture myself by watching more real survivor but i woke up today in a better mood, the moods they come and they go, much like me i love being elusive so hopefully people just dont think im like such dumb bitch who doesnt wanna talk or whatever, because believe it or not the gorls can be so hateful over you not being able to recite their whole life story back to them at the final triabl! they ripped me to shred my first season because i couldnt tell them so and so had a purple sheep back on the farm in late october 2007 like gorl plea .... so yeah ive been trying to talk to more people today to compensate, not sure where it will go, it did reassure me a bit that liam messaged me like RIGHT after the challenge and began already saying stuff about connor like ooh gorl michael_jackson_i_love_this_song.gif, but i just need to be careful because i dont want to seem like im the one controlling the vote, because odds are im gonna get made to look a fool and ill go home, or be left in the dark, but im gonna try to have slightly more faith in these people and hope they're buying what im selling, because it's pretty good stuff, i just want to feel like im the most expensive iphone in the store you know, like i want to be able to say im building relationships nonetheless and will make people come running to ME with information but who knows. I'm either playing decently and in a good spot right now, or im a fucking delusional schizophrenic so im hoping tribal reveals something like that one way or another. at least if i get voted off i can stop letting this game stress me the HELL out in the middle of a fucking pandemic

When AJ leaves and you can trust your new alliance with the beauties and Jakey https://media.tenor.com/images/b4c2f5c658c1d3ade7e506ee7ffe3c5e/tenor.gif When you win your first tribal immunity challenge of the season https://i.imgur.com/8xzlbRW.gif When you don’t have to see Alyssa and Jess at tribal https://media.giphy.com/media/6nuiJjOOQBBn2/giphy.gif My tribe when I get to go to bed early because I don’t have to stay up stressing about tribal https://media.vanityfair.com/photos/58c16a15208b4945c3920cf0/master/w_1600%2Cc_limit/nicole-kidman-seal-clap.gif

Second tribal of the game for me and I am feeling good once again. i see myself in a position where I dont think i am being targeted and I really just have room to grow and form my social relationships. I feel bad for connor cause I think he will be going home barring anything crazy happening. He was someone I wanted to work with going into this game, but ill be honest his social game is just abysmal he needs to talk to people more. I originally thought he was just not talking to me cause he assumed we were good but apparently everone feels like they cant have a convo with him. Its way too early for me to do something crazy and deviate so I think hes gonna be blindsided tonight. Maybe I want to lock down a final 2 with TJ soon im starting to trust him more and more and hopefully he feels the same way. Im pretty confident that were gonna merge at 12 because thats the first time my legacy advantage is coming into play but im not sharing that information, that power is as locked to the chest as can be I will not tell a soul all game about it, thats how you become a fan favourite game changer sierra dawn thomas and I will not be her, married to joe anglim what a thought. Im off focus, either way Ive talked a lot about feeling very rocky in this game so far and feeling like I havent found my footing, but Im getting a foundation built now and once I get going, theirs no stopping me.

Is it seriously only Day 14..? Ugh, this game drags on for so, so long. Tonight is gonna be deja vu of Kvaloya in which I once again send home Connor, hopefully unanimously again. I respond to his fucking messages, and he's doing his best Amanda Kimmel "go girl, give us nothing!" impersonation right now. It's ANNOYING. I can't work with someone who does this!

oh duncan. oh duncan duncan duncan. every single time we play together you underestimate me as a player and it is infuriating? so this time you don't want an alliance with me? that's fine... but don't think i wont find out. i'm literally my blood is boiling that he thinks he can get away with this... grr. but also i love autumn for telling me, it shows me i can trust her and we are gonna go the distance. anyway so i do think connor is going to leave tonight and me freaking out will only make it me instead... so i will go with it. but now im waiting to see what jordan and tj say... and to see if they tell me. i dont think tj will tell me, but i do think jordan BETTER. i'm defending him to autumn, so he owes me plus he says we are a duo so he better JKASLDFAF. so now? i feel like i need to trust adam and stop being so nervous to trust him... he is on the bottom with me and we need to flip this upside DOWN. if me/adam link up, that will be good... because im not down to be stuck on the bottom for more than a vote... being on the bottom is how to go home and that's not my thing

So now that the vote is looming, I think that we have it fully on Connor now. Duncan and I came up with the fake vote of Adam which Connor seemed to take? Although he's asking questions that seem fishy, so let's just hope he buys it. And Duncan and I made an alliance of me, him, Jordan, and Autumn which is perfect to have going into merge. I still need to figure out how best to integrate the two so that they can know Jakey is going to work with us but not enough so that they don't know that me/Jakey/Jordan also have an alliance together. But this is awesome going into the next round, and I'm just praying that we don't see an idol played, because that would be DISASTER!

the way i've called adam shady for days and days and now i trust him one of the most? wow a growth arc. i'm still heated about duncan. he is SOO likable and charismatic, and is someone who is genuinely always just fun to play with? so him being in this gamebot really dry state is so frustrating because ik if he just relaxed and let his natural personality out he would snap?! he is just so fixated on doing well this season that he is getting in his own way (at least imo, but this is coming from mr im not in an alliance so im bitter KJSAFD). so anyway now that duncan is not a viable ally anymore, i need to solidify the other connections... and i think adam and autumn are the move. adam is clearly just desperate for allies and while he is over-eager, i think he is earnest so ill stop being paranoid about him. autumn is just a queen and a goddess so im gonna stick with her too... liam is lovely too... i just want duncan OUTTTTTTTTTTT he will not get away with this, i am the meddling kid(s) who will ruin his plans... will duncan go to the end as the gamebot leader... well... https://gph.is/2dmg9hV

also can i just say i love tj?! like i sent duncan very similar messages about feeling like i've been out of it, and the difference in their responses is remarkable: tj: I think everyone understands that you haven't been 100% the last few days, so I doubt anyone is going to fault you for that. And everyone knows that it's a game, real life does come first. like... sweet, supportive without being patronising? validating duncan: and i don't think things have really kicked off over here yet, i think its going to be an "easy vote" but we'll see what happens duncan.... immediately to game, almost his own conversation... i'm... over it?

well we have tribal in just a few hours, and tonight it's gonna be pretty clear cut in the sense that, ill finally have answers because um it's either gonna be me or connor ive been doing my best to lead this smear campaign against him, only because he made the wrong move by coming for me first and continuing to lie to my face about it so at this point i wish i felt bad but i dont. I could be completely delusional but I do think it's working because people have come to ME first and said they want to vote connor, because of both what i was saying and because he just hasnt been talking to many people besides right after the challenge so like... people can see how transparent that is pls also because MULTIPLE people have approached me first today telling me he plans on voting me out so unless they're specializing in some hardcore reverse psychology...i think i have a shot at it being 7-1 connor but once again i literally could be being made out to be a whole ass goof and not even know. or even worst have got all the numbers on my side but then get idol'ed out fdhaskj both very likely scenarios because things never seem this easy in this game ive been trying my best to get to know people and i feel like im slowly connecting more with some of them, so i guess tonight at tribal will be a test on those relationships because all the people ive been talking to will either, believe me, trust me, and wanna play with me, or theyre gonna listen to connor and vote me out, and honestly if they vote me out over him then i completely deserve to go home because clearly im doing something wrong my biggest fear is im hoping i havent come off too strong trying to play by painting this narrative of the old hathor's and connor being so against me, because while yes obviously i want connor gone for my own reasons, the trick is i dont want people to think im leading a charge against him (even tho i absolutely am) because i dont want that kinda target on me but truly who the fuck knows, i could very well go home but idk. this game is like walking into a serial killer convention and trying to stay alive, that's how i feel like im putting my faith in the hands of killers, it's making a bitch shook so i guess we'll see but in a perfect world..... connor will leave....which may look bad because of old tribe lines, but im really trying to wor any magic i have to where me being the only beauty on this tribe would be beneficial for me to hopefully be sought after by any brawns or brains, but if you ask me old tribe lines are about to be nonexistent. even though there will be 4 brawns next round, ive been trying to connect to some of them in the hopes that theyll ditch any old alliance they have to work with me but only time will tell so um yeah keep me in your thoughts and prayers pls

Not gonna lie, I haven't done much of anything this round but I don't mind it! Sometimes I just wanna be a lazy bitch yknow? But yeah, Thoth FINALLY beat its 0 challenge wins curse and we won immunity which I am thankful for given tribal would've been extremely messy? With the Kendall vote last round (which I think was Jakey or Jakey telling Dan to do so), who knows what would've been the outcome! Yay for safety <3

hiiiii no video because i no longer want to do them. let the record show that i was the 1st to say adam's name, if he goes, i did that. if i go, i did that.  

i didn't make a confessional this round and tribal is about to start! im going to expect connor to go but this would be a shitty last confessional if i go home tonight. I'm hoping to establish trust within this new tribe. Wish me luck! XOXO Gossip Girl. also my dog just ate the cake i left on the counter >.> thats why im late.

I can't give y'all a real confessional right now cause Cagayan has me screaming but I believe Connor is going home 7-1 and I gave the green light to an alliance I plan on turning on whew so see y'all soon

So basically, tribal happened, beauties lost a number unanimously, theres pros and cons to this. Pros: ppl think the idol left, beauty is less threatening, we show loyalty to more people and build relationships. Bad: someone lied. that kendall throw away vote was to ensure a beauty went home in case aj played an idol, and everyone claims it wasnt them, so someone on this tribe has a case of the LIE-ABETES. * anyway, here is Shit I learned today aka dirt on ppl: 🎃Devon - told me that dan was afraid of an all beauties thing 🎃Jakey - told me dan Ali him and Jordan were a majority - told me Ali has the idol - told me Ali is a rat who warned lovelis - called Adam annoying and ugly - said he wants Devon out next - thinks Devon voted kendall 🎃 scott - told me Devon screwed him over and got himself voted out on brains - told me autumn and Duncan are a duo 🎃 Dan - told jakey that he thinks the brains tribe voted kendall to divide beauty and brawn 🎃 kendall - hidden secret alliance with Jakey - hates dan 🎃 augusto - super close with Devon - wants to blindside Jakey - thinks Jakey is the kendall vote 

#BackWithVengeance

[bigbrothermonopoly]

EPISODE 1: 

HOH: CHRIS

EVICTED: REHDER 15-0

KORI: 

My first Diary Room, I'm really loving the cast right now. Haven't talked to Dem, Chris, Andrew, Rheder, Silence, Madison or Kristine yet since they have yet to be on. Hoping this was more of a some people were kindof busy or just couldn't stay up for Cast Reveal and NOT a Oh we're all gonna be a bunch of inactive bitches. Emma talked about being UTR with our relationship and actually work together this ORG for the first time after 2 times failing to do so. Dunno if that's gonna work out, but hey third time's the charm maybe. Eve and Jess are icons as per usual I'm excited to finally be playing a game with them. Eve is suggesting a possible Jackbox Alliance, we'll see if that's like an actual thing I feel like that's the easy thing though and I don't know if that's what I actually want. I definitely plan to ride with that for a little while though. Gwen is sweetheart, she seems like a Discord noob, hoping that's not like a face personality to make her seem more endearing. I'm hoping to get good with Tawni and Mackenzie, meanwhile Brien, Austin, and Nicky I'm pretty medium with so far. I'm HOPING I can like develop good relationships with all of them. But like the female side of this cast is stacked, and the men kindof leave a lot to be desired so far. Hopefully when the other half wakes up I'll get a feel for them some more.

KORI: 

So, it's been not even 5 hours, I'm now in 2 alliances, one which is like not even remotely serious because Nicky just put everyone in the VC in an alliance... which is wild. Chris and Kristine came on, Chris is... interesting, for some reason I don't get good vibes from him. Something about his tone or the way he talks. He isn't really saying anything wrong, but at least on VC I don't get good vibes at all. Kristine seems like a sweetie, she's from MI too so I feel like we COULD have tons to talk about. Who knows though. Maybe she's a fake betch, only time will tell. (But hopefully she's a real one.) Still waiting on those others to get online at some point though, I need to feel EVERYONE out and so far there's still too many people that I have like no fucking clue on.

NICKY: 

i honestly don’t know anyone and i’m paranoid to not be on call cuz they probably talking shit about me

JESS: 

Question of the day: Why are there so many straight white males here?!

AUSTIN:

I’m super excited to be in this season of board game big brother! I’m trying to have conversations with every houseguest and make a good first impression but it’s hard to keep 17 conversations going at the same time. Also the first head of household competition has begun! I don’t want to win the first HOH because I don’t want a target on my back this early.

REDHER:

**DIARY ROOM THINGAMAJIG**: I feel that I could definitely make my move. My experience with survivor definitely suits good here. Kori, Eve, and Andrew were quick to contact me and negotiate. I feel like I could definitely use my age as an advantage ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Only one I’m not liking rn is eve she just comes on too hard but nothing really too bad yet.

JESS:

So... hmmm.. this game is.. interesting? so far? I've already been attacked by the hosts and the majority of this cast. Don't @ me but... pineapple does NOT belong on pizza! In all seriousness... this is a WEIRD group of people. Some new faces, old faces, and a bunch of unknowns. My game plan in all honesty as of right now is to let Eve think she can control me. She is one of the few people I know in this game so I kind of have no choice but to work with her while I put in the ground work with others. I want her to think I'm one of her "minions" so she thinks I'm useful and I'll do whatever she wants for now... Big personalities are sinking ships in Big Brother so gotta come up with that plan B for when Eve (probably) falls. BUT i'm kind of just trying to take this a bit slow and trying to talk to everyone right now so no brain power required. PS: I refuse to touch that HOH with a 10 foot poll. Let's do a mini little trust list? 1. Jess 100. Everyone else I don't trust any of these hoes.

KRISTINE:

So happy that Chris got HOH we came into this game together hoping one of us would win HOH and that’s exactly what happened. I’m 100% confident that I’m not going to be nominated!!! We worked together and I gave him as much information as I could. We both did. It worked perfectly. And he made himself the bigger target anyways.

MACKENZIE:

I’m a LIIIIITLE mad i came close to winning and didn’t but it’s okay bc i Kinda didn’t want too idk hxjsjzjz does chris exist though? i swear i haven’t seen him online HHHH

CHRIS:

How did I win the HOH. Not only do I have power but I also have no idea what I am doing. I am a dog trying to mix chemicals or trying to use a computer while being blindfolded and having one arm tied to my leg. I am more than happy and excited to be the first HOH but I know that brings a gigantic target on my back when I have to nominate two people. I want to make a huge move and take out any big bodies there are earlyBut I have learned that that isn’t a good scenario to start with. Hopefully I’ll have a better idea of who I want to vote for tomorrow when I talk to my closest allies which is just me and myself so looks like I’m talking to myself everyone. Well I want to go figure this out now hope y’all have a good time

KORI:

Chris is apparently VERY lucky somehow snagging the first HoH despite seeming to not really talk with anyone. So I'm honestly kindof annoyed would've preferred a Mackenzie or Eve win but not much I can really do but shut my trap and suck up in a way that doesn't seem blatantly fake. He's currently talking to me about wanting to target big and talkative people. "Fuck the VL as it were." So RIP Eve probably. I won $20 in that little task which is fun. I'm HOPING telling the Jackbox Crew wasn't a mistake, I hope the $20 isn't going to be a major reason for anyone to want me to go, especially since it's like, such a minor amount of money I feel like especially when you look towards the long term. I want to trust that group for right now though. Overall this HoH situation kinda sucks since we're probably going to lose a personality, and even more likely it'll turn out to be someone I like. Guuuhhh.

NICKY:

omg it’s joshua bassett birthday!!! periodt!! me remaining unbothered in jail because my mentions are off heheheheh

AUSTIN:

So.... nominations are tonight. I’m feeling pretty good because I’ve been chatting with Chris and we seem to be getting along. We are going to try to get a group of seven people together so we have numbers for the following weeks, but anything can happen, after all this is big brother!

BRIEN:

WILLIAM:

So obviously I'm pissed that I am nominated.... Like wtf did I ever do you, but in a way it is my fault... I have been sick the last few days and have just been laying in bed. Also I love how out of everyone in the game Chris was the one person I did not talk to before the HoH. 

NICKY:

literally these people are so fucking annoying- i’ll just hop online for like 5 seconds and say nothing and all of sudden half of the cast is my dms like hey hi good morning

EMMA:

GWEN:

Fuck Cheatham This is my first official DR. I am at my mom’s house and I left my computer at home, so this will probably be shorter than usual. Yay for phones. Looks like Rehder will be the evictee tonight. Unfortunately, he did not reach out to me until like a day after the veto comp. Can I put emojis here? If I could it would be rolling eyes emoji. The uuuuuuhhliance is...it exists. Will stay loyal until I can’t I guess. The Mandela Monocles is where it is at. I feel bad that Silence got roped in my Rehder and Will for another alliance...he didn’t ask for it. I hope it doesn’t come back and bite him. Me and Kori are Left Phalanges. We will win. K thanks byyyeee

TAWNI:

I’m sick. I have no energy. I probably should have done this earlier but I wasn’t planning on being sick. I honestly don’t even know who is nominated. Neither one has messaged me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. 

REHDER: 

I’m doing not too good. William and Silence are confirmed and they are branching out, everyone else I’ve talked too is going with the house and I’m currently trying to convince them that the house is with me but idk. Probably exiting after tonight. It was a good run but I guess I’m only good at survivors. Anyways, I hope I get to stay in

NICKY:

i’m concerned about a couple things 1. everyone telling me i’m safe 2. everyone acting like they are in an alliance with everyone and everyone knows the plan so even if i’m safe- it feels like everyone in some big alliance and that doesn’t work well with me

WILLIAM:

I've got 2 things to say!!! IM SO PUMPED THAT I HAVE WON VETO!!! WOOOOOO. I do trust alot of people in the house but I feel much better being able to save myself and be here another week.... Also I dont know what Rehder's strategy is but it ain't working 😂😂 Hes texting me all these people who's votes he has and doesnt and another list of those who I have to text for him! What!!!!! Also I dont know if he knows but half of his list he gave plan on voting him out tonight ☠

BRIEN:

KORI:

Well as it currently stands Rehder SHOULD be going home. Which is a shame in some ways he seemed like a nice kid... messy, but still nice. I've tried pulling back a bit since Kristine mentioned that someone views me as a social threat. Not sure that's totally accurate, but if someone is viewing me that way I need to carefully and meticulously figure out who that person is, and kick their ass to the curb. As it currently stands I think the 2 3 people I'm struggling with the most as far as conversation is Dem, Tawni, and Chris. Eve seems to think Chris is under their mist, which I mean go off, like its gonna be funny when Chris wins HoH 6 weeks from now and is ready for that #Chaos he wanted for this week. My #2 right now is probably Gwen. While I do love Eve and value their partnership, I can't help but feel like I'm replaceable for the whole Jackbox Crew. I'm still not looking to make a move any of the next couple of weeks, we'll have to see how the game progresses to know where exactly I'll go. It's also still just the first week, so my opinion on everything may very well change, the game is just starting and I'm raring to pop anyone who crosses me.

EVE:

ANDREW:

watching the cast videos now im going to give you my thoughts 1. i wanted to barf watching nickys 2. gwen is a bad bitch i hope she wins 3. omg i feel so dumb cuz i was talking to austin like we was 13 cuz i thought he was honestly .... and hes not.. hopefully i can recover. but idc. hes a little boring but sweet. 4. i hope mackenzie is nice to me. 5. fuck yeah jess lets chug a beer together 6. WILLIAM....Bowling With Buddies....Im going to nominate him if I win. 7. Kristine is the second prettiest here, next to me. Hope she wins too :heart: Shes adorbs :heart: 8. silence is cool i want to work with him 9. SHUT THE FUCK UP BRIEN actually nvm i kinda like him i wanna work with him I've talked to Chris a decent amount prior to him winning hoh so im feeling kind of good that i wont be nominated but i dont want to get comfortable because bitches are wild around here. My HoH performance.....FUcking embarrasing. Especially since people were asking me if i wanted to win and i was like yeah why not Austin proposed an alliance with me yesterday and i was just kinda like yeah i mean i’m open to anything that has safety involved and then today he told me he also talked to chris prior to hoh about creating an alliance with me and him called the gents, which is a fuckin hideous name i had no idea that he was going to ask ppl to join in on shit i thought it was kinda just gonna be a low-key u got my back i got urs but i mean chris is in a position of power so it’s definitely not the worst thing for my game, i just hope austin isn’t making himself look like a fool in the process of trying to make these connections because he is also saying my name to chris and i just don’t want to be openly associated with anybody yet if chris isn’t on the same page yknow But right now i’m just going to ride the waves i don’t really want to challenge anyone or anything just yet

[swampgallows]

really feel like im gonna struggle to ever integrate into society. i struggle to chill w people my own age because a lot of them have careers n shit (i think... i guess? i dont really know actually lmao cause i dont talk to em) or theyre dating people and i cant really tell people what im up to because theyre condescending about it. “oh youre still into the rave thing huh?” yeah i’m “still into” it, sorry. you got two kids and a husband and youre living w your parents still too, that’s not a life i envy. id rather keep my ‘childish’ interests, thanks.

and i dont drink or do drugs so a lot of Adult Outings make me uncomfortable or are not right for me. and any time i want to find sober anything it becomes religious or recovery related, or it is considered exclusively for children. i have no problem being in the vicinity of alcohol but i dont want to hang w people while they’re using controlling substances because it sucks for everybody involved: they cant enjoy themselves because they feel self-conscious around me being the sober one, and then i feel bad for making them self-conscious but am also uncomfortable with them using substances around me. and of course i mean substances for the purpose of getting fucked up, not as medication. except in the case of weed which is a huge monumentally major trigger for me (whether i mentally prepare myself to be around it or not).

raves are the perfect blend for me. people who wanna get fucked up can, people who dont want to dont have to, and everybody is there to have a good time in their own way. they wear what they want, they dance how they want, and they generally dont infringe on anybody else’s good time with weird stuff like sexual advances or whatever. and if something like that is going down (like when RTC strips down and starts fucking on stage basically) you can always go somewhere else without having to sacrifice listening to the music or enjoying yourself otherwise. there’s generally outdoor areas (or people will let you in/out if it’s not the shadiest) to chill or if you need a breather, people are willing to help you, etc. i dunno raves compared to clubs or bars are vastly VASTLY superior. youd think id be able to stand the latter two since i rave all the time but i just cant (also because there is never any good music at clubs).

plus im not dating anybody and being ace is a shit and a half in terms of All of That, it’s another fuckin hang up on my perceived adulthood that im unpalatable or a freak or something is wrong w me if i’ve “gone this long” being single. sorry all the dudes who have been into me have been petulant children or massive abusive jerks and im not open enough about my bi-ness to be visible to women i dont think. either way im entirely de-sexed and this is the age where people are definitely fuckin, and fuckin with a PURPOSE. theyve all had like ten years of practice by this point (whether actually having sex or not, theyre just programmed to understand it) and so most people dont have time for a stiff like me who really doesnt give a shit about sex or ranges to even actively fucking hating it. i also havent developed feelings for anybody in a long time unless you count my tumblr crush (who im pretty sure has a partner anyway lmao and they seem pretty sexual actually so i dont think theyd, among many other reasons, give a shit about my dumb ass) and that can be really alienating too. 

my high school best friend got married yet to me i feel like the only development i’ve had since high school is Trauma and mental illness. like i developed dissociative episodes in the last few years whereas in high school i basically only had the chronic insomnia and hypnagogic hallucinations. i mean i certainly think i’ve developed AS A PERSON in HUMONGOUS strides since high school but i know people i knew then will just be like “oh you still do ‘the rave thing’ and play WoW, huh?”

like yeah, i dunno, FUCK ME for enjoying my interests. i quit wow when i needed to and im glad i did but it’s not WoW’s fault i entered a morass of suicidal depression in the years i wasnt playing. WoW had run its course at that time in my life. and at the latter end of that i was going to raves regularly, making the BEST lifelong friends i have ever had, and generally being part of something greater, part of a community that genuinely cared about me. i was working out further kinks with my ability to socialize and love and be open to people (as i will continue to do until i die) but i feel there is arguably a much larger capacity to love in me than before. so i still wear kandi, so i still wear black clothing, so i still prattle on about orcs and trolls. fuck off. at least now i dont hate myself and let myself get raped every day, at least now im not mindlessly swallowing and regurgitating actively racist rhetoric out of fear of confronting my parents’ hatred or by surrounding myself with the dregs of society, at least now i dont want to “sew up my vagina” because i detest my womanhood and the men who covet(ed) it

currently i play wow honestly like maybe twice a week. i went on a bender with diego my REAL LIFE FRIEND LMFAO (like what, stop enjoying time w your friends, it isnt grown up!) a few days ago and we played for like 6 straight hours which was pretty fuckin wild. i think about wow a LOT like TOO mcuh and all of my art recently has been wow-related but holy shit i am drawing at least 

since playing wow again (almost concurrent with when i had started my job) i did more drawing than i did in probably all 4.5 years of college, assignments or otherwise. i was drawing EVERY DAY, legitimately, even if they were just quick scribbles. and when i wasnt i was writing every single fucking day. and when i wasnt, i was READING. like FUCK me for having warcraft as a motivation to do fucking anything in my goddamn life. youre right, abandoning my interests and adopting ones i hate for the sake of appearing more adult is totally worth the mind-numbing soul-eating depression i crumble into without these silly safety nets.

like that’s all it is. it’s silly. raves are silly. video games are silly. “good luck getting laid” thanks i dont need it. “good luck finding someone who loves you” fuck you i have plenty of people who love me BECAUSE of the things i love, not “in spite” of them, not in some tongue-in-cheek “That’s our Swamp!” fashion. they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE MAKE MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE PLAY MORE.” (that last one is about music, not warcraft lol).

but i mean i do worry about it, worry about being “too insular” as some critical piece of shit idiot put it to the point of being unrelatable. I dont want to alienate myself from people of course, nor do i want to get so wrapped up in fantasy that i lose myself. and that’s something i was tearing myself apart about during my episode earlier, just that “I have to get off the internet” because while i think and do all of this stuff, “Me” is just sitting in my bed rotting. Even when im drawing or up at my tables mixing i know it’s still just me, in my house, sealed off from the world, and i started having panic because i was telling myself “i want to go home” over and over but i am at home, i’m in my bed, but i realized of course that home is not in this house. home is many places for me, but it’s also why im SO enthusiastic about wow again: it is home. and believe me im getting wary of just how fucking much i am eating breathing sleeping dreaming (literally dreaming) warcraft because while i dont know if i was ever “addicted” i, again, dont want to be so swept up that i forget im a person (and with dpdr that shit is way potent). that and uhh i got shit to do, but mostly... it’s not real. and i know im setting myself up for failure and heartbreak again by yearning for something that cannot exist no matter how much i set my mind and hands to create it.

i feel hurt physically by the fact that there are “only humans”. i mean there are infinite different kinds of humans, but it’s more of an existential quandary than a yearning for an orc boyfriend or something. it’s why we dream up fantastic creatures and aliens in the first place: we’re not alone in the universe, are we? are humans really the only sentient beings out there? we can’t be. we can’t be. “they” say either option—that we are, or are not alone—is equally terrifying but i dont think so. sure we might fear violence or eradication from not being alone, but to know that we are? out of everything we’ve charted and studied, that we’re it? that’s... that’s death. and of course there’s going to be heat death or whatever they say in 6 billion whatever i dont know, so whether we’re alone or not is irrelevant because it will destroy our universe and what happens when there is no universe? and so of course all of this was compounding into panic, of course, of course, jumping from a dumbass thought like “i guess im not as into overwatch because it’s sci-fi but also theyre all humans” straight into “INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH”. so like, really, does it matter that i care about wow lore more than i care about marriage?

i mean, i guess i should have a career, but i dont really know what i could be capable of doing. i dont know if it’s mental illness or discipline or what but even if like metzen himself was like “come work at blizzard!” i would still probably just collapse into a heap of worthlessness and fear. 

i dont know what i fear. i guess i fear that im wasting my time, and by spending my time in another world i dont have to worry about how im spending time in this one. and that’s really, really bad. i dont like that.

i have to make this world worth living in. i have been trying. but i havent gotten very far. in fact, i took some steps backward.

from the edge of the cliff, so... i guess that’s forward in some ways.

#blathering

[eatmyshortsifyoumay]

HOW I FEEL ABOUT SEASON THREE OF VOLTRON

I just finished season 3 and my thoughts are all over the place and not in order. None of my friends watch Voltron so I don’t really know who to tell my feelings for this season and stuff about this show to. So I’m just gonna talk about it on Tumblr. Correct me if I’m wrong.

Ever since Shiro was dead disappeared, some of the paladins had to change their lions. Keith went to the black lion, Lance went to the red lion, and Allura went to the blue lion. The red lion is always there by black lion’s side which makes me happy because Lance’s and Keith’s friendship (or bond) became deeper. In everyone else’s expectations, Lance came to cheer Keith up with his, “Hey man.” In the first season of Voltron, these two couldn’t even stand each other and now they got each other’s backs even with different lions. Even LANCE CAME to KEITH with a problem that he was thinking about and Keith reassured him. There were probably other Klance moments but I’m gonna move on. So Prince Loser Lotor is back and is getting ready to rule the Galra Empire but in his own way. I have some mixed feelings about him. He’s hot but then I forget that he’s part of the Galra Empire and is evil (but he is quite dashing js) I’ll get back to Motor Lotor later on. The girls that worked beside him are so badass!! I thought one of the girls was Keith’s mom but never mind I guess. She was the one that was getting the quintessence (I think) with Keith during season 2. AND OMG IN THAT EPISODE WHERE VOLTRON WENT TO AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE AND FOUND ALTEANS!! That was one of my favorite episodes in season 3. It was so interesting. The fact that Alteans in that reality used these thingys to control other people’s minds and used them as slavery! Dude. AND THEN WE GET TO SEE SVEN AND SLAV IN THAT REALITY!! DUDE. (I may have developed a crush on Sven though.) (HIS ACCENT IS SO CUTE OMFG DONT JUDGE ME) When Sven took a laser to the chest to save Lance… I DIDNT WANT ANOTHER SHIRO TO DIE OKAY??? You have to love Slav though. I hope I get to see them soon in season 4 (or 5). AND SHIRO IS BACK BABY!! WHOOP WHOOP! And I saw in a post that when the Galras were talking about the operation in Shiro’s perspective, they said Operation Kurone or Kuron which means clone in Japanese (FUCKING. CLONE.) SO DOES THAT MEAN THE GALRAS CLONED SHIRO?? WHY WOULD THEY EVEN CLONE HIM? WHAT FOR? WHAT’S THE PURPOSE FOR IT?? Anyways, before I forget, Pidge was quite close to finding his brother Mat. I thought we were going to see him in this season but maybe next season(?). I hope they find Mat. I want Pidge and Mat to have their reunion. So Shiro won’t be piloting Black Lion for now I guess?? Or maybe never idk. I think Shiro stepping back for a bit would be good since he needs a break. Plus he can help with Coran and the ship. Keith is becoming a better leader and I’m very proud of him. I hope he does good in the next season. So the next big topic I would like to talk about is the reason why Zarkon became evil and how the war started which they revealed at the end of the season. So basically the first paladins of Voltron before they were paladins (mostly Alfor and Zarkon) found this comet that they’ve never seen before. It held power they have never seen before either. They or the comet created this rift that shows a different alternate reality. And that’s where they met this Altean woman from the other reality. She helped them with experiments and stuff about the comet and it turns out it has this quintessence that holds so much power. The Altean woman looked further into this and found this little creature from the other reality and kept it in the lab. It broke free and caused a havoc in the Galra’s homeworld which the whole crew was at. That’s when the paladins saw Voltron and they got to their lions and formed Voltron to destroy the creatures. But the Altean woman still wanted to continue her work and dig deeper even though she knew what happened. Zarkon stood by her side. They were crazy for power and the quintessence. Alfor couldn’t agree with them because he knew it was madness. So Zarkon and the Altean woman needed Voltron to defeat the same creatures and continue their work. Alfor couldn’t say no since Zarkon and him or comrades. Later on the Altean woman fell ill and she needed the quintessence to keep her alive. So Zarkon and the rest of the team formed Voltron and went to the rift. Zarkon brought the woman and went outside of Voltron to get the quintessence and them and Voltron were capture by the creature which Voltron defeated and brought Zarkon and the woman back. Did I forget to mention that Zarkon and the woman were married? Yeah I forgot. Sorry hehe. Anyways, everybody thought they were dead and held a funeral but later on they were alive. While they were still in their deathbeds, the rift was opening up more and more. Alfor didnt know what to do but destroy the planet. Zarkon was enraged and seeked revenge on Alfor so he destroyed Altean’s planet. And then the war started. The woman became known as Haggar and the Galra Empire that conquers other planets began. I CANT BELIEVE ZARKON AND HAGGAR WERE MARRIED!! AND THEIR CHILD IS LOTOR?? HOLY SHIT. That explains why Haggar was Altean. So wait… That means that Lotor is half-Galra and half-Altean??? HOLY SHIT. I WOULD NEVER HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT A HALF GALRA HALF ALTEAN DESCENDANT BEFORE. That’s so crazy!! That explains Lotor’s luscious white locks. Damn he’s hot. Anyways, I was fucking shook and that explains everything. So yeah Lotor was looking for pure quintessence to defeat Voltron and stuff. And now they’re ready to fight. That’s the end of season 3. I needed to time to recap the entire season and think about my feelings for a few hours. I don’t know why I told the entire backstory about how the war started. But I guess it’s to explain how I felt about it. Before I forget, when I was watching the scene where the first paladins get to ride the lions and form Voltron, I saw the similarities of Lance and the first paladin when riding the blue lion and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry in multiple scenes of that show. I love Voltron so much and I can’t wait to see what DreamWorks has in store for season 4. LOVE VOLTRON❤

#dreamworks #netflix #voltron #lance #lance mcclain #vld lance #keith #keith kogane #keith (voltron) #pidge #pidge gunderson #voltron pidge #hunk #hunk garrett #hunk voltron #hunk vld #shiro #takashi shirogane #voltron shiro #sven voltron #sven #allura #allura voltron #allura vld #pidge vld #coran #voltron coran #vld coran #king alfor #zarkon

[ts-nightingaleislands]

Episode #9- “that was lowkey pretty fucked up soooo... fuck all you guys”- Kyle

The defeat feeling jumped out me! Yeah, I thought seeing Gwen leave was bad, but I still had Rizo. Now that he's gone, and I'm stuck with a mix of people who very clearly don't trust me is just...oof. Austin cant pretend any longer that his mindgame works on me, Cheatham is all about being safe, Kyle is cracked, AM/Sara/Liam I guess are thriving, Noah is probably not long and Vincent will probably end up as the last one around out of all of us. I feel like no matter what I try and do I'm just kinda stuck unable to get out the hole and it is a killjoy. I'm gonna let the defeatist attitude remain for the night and think on what to do to survive next!

Damn KYLE! Way to make a ass of yourself and become a target :) . I really hope I get to write his name down soon.

I think for right now Operation: Wolfsheep is needed. That is, I intend on infiltrating the Petrel alliance somehow. At the same time I am going to go to Cheatham and just say look, I get we we did not give you immunity and I can't change that. What I can change is how to act moving forward. He needs to realize there are sides to this game and the side he currently is flipping yo play for is going to cut him when everyone else is rip. So I am going to approach him and ask for a Final 2 deal. As abrupt as it would be, I'd be the only person who can say I dont have anyone else to work with. Besides, I have an argument to use against him in the F2 already BUT one thing at a time.

(LATER)

So far, Operation: Wolfsheep seems successful. Sara says she is willing to work with me and AnnMarie says she feels bad how dominating one side is doing and how dirty she did me thats rad. Now I think I am going to try and do Liam/Cheatham tomorrow just because doing everyone in the same day may be suspect

(MORE LATER-ER)

I always love acting like Im on the bottom but now I actually am haha its fun though as I can paint myself as a nonthreatening person and it look legitimate! So far AM I think is one key. Sara is the other for me. All I gotta do is make it to F7 and I have a chance to help turn this game around

I REALLY needed this immunity win.now do I take out someone who is tatgetting me (kyle) or take out someone I see as a big threat later (noah) ?

AnnMarie came and said she didnt want Austin to win so it at least tells me she is potentially sincere in wanting to work together. It also tells me that she may have realized she underestimate him. I talked with Noah and he is keen on us waiting til Final 7 to do anything. I told him we need to spend the next two votes buttering up to AnnMarie and Sara because they're our easiest shot to gaining some ounce of control later on- or at least something with hope!

(SUPER LATER)

AnnMarie said there was a group of 5 that had trust and all. Austin said there were 6. Now I can tell the people consist of some combo of Liam/Sara/AM/Austin/Cheatham. Noah remains a puzzle piece as I cant tell if he or Vincent are actually on the bottom as they claim to be. Nonetheless, Liam has said nada to me which is upsetting since people are keeping inactive people- great players dont need to rely on that but ya know!

(KINDA LATER PROBABLY)

Every time someone has blowup, my name is dropped and its comically hilarious because on one end I'm like oh okay this person has facts and then I'm like OH MY GOD NO SHUT UP FELICIA!

This time we're voting Noah out. He's a good player, and he's slid too far into the background that he could easily end up at the end. So if he's voted out now, which we almost certainly have the numbers for, the game should change considerably. He's easily the best vote here, because getting distracted and voting someone else is exactly how he ends up at the end, saying "come on guys how did this happen?" However, after Noah goes, it would be the final 8, and afaik Austin is really good with Liam/AM/Sara. I'm good with Cheatham. Chris and Kyle are wildcards, but I feel like if we tell Chris about the Noah vote he'd be more likely to vote with us. Kyle is not a good ally, so he's not worth picking up in almost every single scenario. The exception is when it's coming down to a single vote, which depending on what Austin does here, it almost certainly will. Kyle has said on too many occasions that he is targeting Austin's group, so if that's my objective he should go with me, and if he doesn't then he has lost absolutely all credibility and chances of getting any jury votes. So then in this hypothetical scenario, it's 4-4. What happens next? Two scenarios. One, Cheatham plays his idol. He is clearly unwilling to do this, and I will not tell him what to do with his idol. Two, we break up the trio. Cheatham thinks that we can get one of AM/Sara on our side, and if we can then we've successfully controlled the vote. However, I do not know if we'll be able to. I'm thinking ahead, because I feel like winners never look one step at a time when they are in a relatively good position (i.e. not fighting for their life every round). Hopefully it all works out!

I have to say, Austin/Vincent/Cheatham are not even hiding the fact they are together behind closed doors. It sorta makes me wonder how F8 goes because it seems like this really would just become Thrush vs Petrel...Kyle's now apparently a goat and shield but honestly if they plan on voting Noah out then I'm just going to put Kyle in his place. Vincent wants me on Noah though so let us see if anybody else will actually say his name!

So it's very quiet today and that's...spooky! Kyle calling myself and AnnMarie out is a mood. Kyle calling myself/AM/Liam a trio is an even bigger mood. And tbh...I've totally considered that 3 going to the end if at all possible....but now that it's been put out in the open people are gonna be legit sus...so if one of em gotta go...they gotta go. Just hopefully it isn't me... D:

The alliance of 5 is sticking together. Austin said he wants me for his final 2/3. Things are looking good, but I know for a fact that if I want to win this game, I can't stick with austin. He's doing too well and winning too much. If I stand a chance, I can't bestandinf next to him at the end.

This tribal could either be messy or straight forward?? Kyle's been spouting his mouth off again all day & I'm sick of it & i'm probably the most vocal about it because I quite frankly don't care about holding myself back when people are being annoying lmao. Hopefully tonight isn't the end of my journey & Kyle's just gonna get disregarded by everyone else, but this round is quiet, so I wouldn't be shocked with a blindside. Prayin for myself.

it has been a pretty uneventful week in the neighborhood. Kyle kinda I dug himself a grave at last tribal. So it is easy to act like he is the main target. Even though Noah is the one going home this week. I’m getting kind of pissed off however, because Kyle and Noah both brought up how they will be better jurors if i blindside them. so I guess just stay tuned!

7 votes Noah, 1 vote Kyle, 1 vote Liam.

#announcement

[celestialallstars]

Episode #7: “That was what we in the business call a "bruh" moment.” - Stephen

NEVER MIND HE DID IT THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN DID IT HE USED THE VOTE STEAL SUCCESSFULLY AND GOT KORI RIGHT OUT OF THIS GAME. IN YOUR LIFE HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

Oh I am so PUMPED! Kori leaving has all but confirmed most of the things we all thought already- Michael/Drew/Matt/Chloe are together. On top of that, Alyssa and by extension, Jack probably is also with them. Which leaves the remaining 4 of the OG Tuatha group (Rhys/Mitch/Stephen/Bryce) then Mitch. This also leaves Bryce/Loris/me. What does this tell me? I can't have Orfeo lose because it is sudden death for Bryce/Stephen/Loris...so I need to make sure my tribe loses. BUT I also need to make sure one of Jack or Alyssa leaves. Whether they are numbers for the others or not, I need people I'm with to gain upperhand before it is too late and if Orfeo keeps losing, even if we get to merge, I don't think it will matter because they will get numbers. So Operation: Snakegrass is now in effect

That was what we in the business call a "bruh" moment.

KORI WAS SLAIN! Not by an idol like I worried, but by an advantage that was much more powerful in that given situation! My game has effectively changed here on the Orfeo Tribe. I'm no longer trying to form an alliance that controls the outcomes of votes, I can only really look out for myself.

Michael, Matt, Drew, and Chloe are very likely to let go of the majority now that they have it. They aren't my rivals anymore. Not until the merge, anyway. Unfortunately, that means if we lose another challenge, Bryce and Loris will need to be the people who go home, barring any insane changes. I'm going to need to pander like I've never pandered before. I can't be mad with Michael until his time comes. Don't worry though, if I have any say in it, he won't make it past the first merge vote.

But, that's assuming I survive that long! I'm sure Bryce and Loris are just as freaked out as I am, so I need to out-pander them. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but that's just how the cookie crumbles.

Operation: Snakegrass so far got the first half downpack with us losing. Jared talked with Mitch who says he is close to me and Rhys. With Zach in the mix, we might be bale to get something going, but now we gotta be careful...anything can happen at this tribal methinks!

WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP. Safe again! It’s so good to be back on the immunity train Choo choo. It’s also really good because I really don’t want to vote out anyone on my tribe and all the people I’m not as connected with are on the other tribe so keeping my tribe safe even tho I know Stephen and Bryce may not trust me 100% right now is CRUCIAL for my game going forward.

likeee ok. i have some hot goss i suppose. so i knew kori was leaving pre-tribal. bryce leaked the vote steal (michael - > loris - > bryce) and so it was meh. i was truly fine with either kori or matt leaving though because those two are legit like 2 of the only 3-5 people i dont feel like i got a connection with.

throughout the time between tribal results to challenge, i get asked by a few people to throw [bryce, loris, drew, stephen somewhat, chris]. chris mainly proposes that bryce and loris are with us and they're in danger, which is likely true. i just like.. i didnt throw because im triggered by that but i also like probs didnt try my hardest. who knows ! not me. anyway. AFTER I FLOPPED I LEGIT HAD LIKE 4 OF THEM PM ME SAYING 'THANKS FOR THROWING KING' LIKE FUCK OFF LKSDJGLDKGMLKDSGMLKDSG I DIDNT THROW but tbh i might play that up so they think im a generous queen xx

chris seems to want jack or alyssa out, as does jared. chris/rhys made alliance with me them jared and mitch which is cute. i feel like i should leak bc someones going to but im also too lazy to.

im lowkey really anxious though cuz i dont want my tribe to snap at me for thinkin i threw or blindside me. like NNNN and we're so close to merge.  BUT if things go accordingly, one of alyssa or jack should leave. i like both a lot but i think i'd prefer alyssa out. we have a 'f2' or smth but we dont rlly talk and i feel like because we never were on the same tribe til now, our allegiances just fell elsewhere (which is fine but its just hard to maintain that).

i dont want to get blindsided/voted off yet. 14th isnt cute... and like... im so close to merge. my guess is merge will be at 12/13 so... im so close. (its probs f8 but who cares). i just hope i can be safe enough that i dont go. i feel rlly good with chris/jared... rhys decent too. mitch not so much but im gonna try to forge a stronger bond. i think the girls are gonna choose 2 rid of jack but idk.. i hate this cuz i really like jack and getting to meet him beyond just a VL was great n i truly enjoyed this. so if he ends up leaving, and he reads this, i want u to know u are great n i love u n playing w u was fantastic!! same with anyone. like everyone left is fairly active and deserve to be here so im content.

god. anyone wanna speak up is gonna come out when i get blindsided LOL.

Sooo the 24 hour puzzle challenge cracked some things out of the water. Alliances got exposed left and right and now im in a 5 man alliance with og orfero and og tuatha against og cyrena. This is all becauase sharky leaked an alliance in one of his screenshots consisting of drew/michael/clohie/alyssa/jack/matt or some varient. In order for their numbers to weaken, we need to get rid of jack or alyssa. It doesn not help their case that they have not been on a tribe with anyone outside of og cyrena except drew and michael (who are on the other tribe). Right now, my alliance is debating on splitting the votes or making it unanimous but we are afraid of idols. We think that regardless of what happens, the one og cyrena left standing won't trust us any longer. I am excited to see where this tribal goes because the game is finally picking up speed!!!!

this game is carzy i hate it im legit. this is a video of me:

Hello I’m typing this compassionate with them with voice to text hello and say do you want to be your day because Drew Carey dick completely but now I’m scared Zach is going and I don’t want him to which is sad and I don’t know at the last round nothing at the boots that I thought he didn’t I kind a got fucked over

ok that was a disaster I give up. hi . drew carried immunity thank god. but now I’m scared Zach goes because I love Zach. umm I’m basically guaranteed merge unless I get super blindsided because I can just legacy if I think I’m going :^). I voted Matt just in case his vote steal was fake because either he lied and went home or he told the truth and lived but like the thing is Michael and drew don’t want me to tell Matt I knew so I can’t justify why I voted him to him MEANWHILE I told Bryce about it. and Bryce tells Matt he knew completely throwing that out the window but oh well. I love chloe... Bryce.. Michael.... Zach... drew..... Jared... Mitch..........I definitely forgot someone there oh RHYS.... love him and idk I think I’m good with a lot of the cast wooo because I like everyone else too 💗💗💗 when I win we won’t be shocked

The other tribe is super boring like I don’t know what’s happening and there’s like an hour and a half left so like I’m just sat here bored as shit like DO SOMETHING!

Audio might be bad, so basically, Chris has taken me under his wing as maybe his most trusted ally, and pitched me on a side vs. side type deal.

Side 1- Chris, Bryce, Loris, Zach, Mitch, Stephen, Rhys Side 2- Alyssa, Michael, Drew, Jack, Matt, Chloe

I am fully feeding into Chris' game at this point because for myself, working to advance his plan puts me in a much more powerful position than I believe he is anticipating.

Having incredibly close relationships with the Chris/Zach duo, a F2 with Bryce, an alliance with Mitch/Stephen, Rhys confiding in me about his game fears (and Rhys' thoughts being fed to me by Bryce), and an idol--- I really just need to work on Loris some more to establish myself with the most powerful position.

So, I've been very busy. But this tribal I have yet again sat back and haven't done much into it as I have been preoccupied. However it allows other people to take the heat, and I'm aware I'm not doing a lot. So I can spin it into a winning case as long as I do enough come the merge.

The vote is set to be a split on Alyssa and Jack, However Alyssa and Jack havent spoken about the vote which scares me. Which t hen puts me in a paranoid states as I've spoken to people less today. But we just made a new 5 person alliance (chris, me , jared, zach an mitch) which seems super extra if theyre planning on blindsiding me.

It is 7:18 PM and I have no idea who is going home. This is the most stressful fucking tribal I've ever been to

omg so alyssa going home wooh? she talks to me more than jack so i wish he left but like one has to leave so w/e. chris is a king i love him so much he threw for me zach is so annoying and didnt throw said he was but like he literally was trying 80% like girl just throw. i love rhys still and jared.. hope he still likes me idk we feel off. wooh yaa um like loris and i hate that michael and drew both told him about the double vote but not me like isnt that so quirky we hate those elara girls (is that the season they played)

JARED AND MITCH ARE SNAKING ME AND ALYSSA WITH THEIR NONCOMMITTAL RESPONSES I CAN FUCKING FEEL IT IM GOING HOME

________________________________________________________________

Alyssa is voted out 3-2-2.

#episode #shinebright

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #9: "we're here for the messy bitch game play right" - Annabelle

Tribal was f*ckin wild. Like didnt see that coming and Nicole we literally never talked so dont come for me. 👏

So far Nicole’s attempt hasnt affected anything. And plus Sharky took more of the heat and more blood on his hand and I did for coming up with the Nicole vote. Like im scream team to the end but like it works better for me if people dont see me as a huge threat right now unlike Sharky. I think i might be in a good spot and with an advatage with this immunity hopefully i can win.

Well... I refuse to be booboo the fool right now. I have conflicting information currently about who voted me so guess what? I am not gonna trust anyone LMAO. Everyone is denying and pointing the fingers at others and its fucking pissing me off. Like just own up to voting me so i can have a clear target my fucking god. Like goodbye see you soon!

from my confessional cause i just went off in it LOL about the last tribal: i know brian and sharky did not vote me nate and bryce are being fishy maynor seems non exsistant keaton is literally opening his big mouth and getting himself in more trouble i trust anna enough and nick thinks he is "iconic" for an idol play like boi con-fucking-gratulations that you can do something many have done before you

Like, im so done with these people, just let me play my idol in peace smh

So I basically threw this challenge. I just put myself for most of the positives and I put Keaton for most of the negatives. With a few random answers sprinkled in. I get so nervous about really trying on Touchy Subjects because Im worried about revealing my alliances and stuff. This way I just look cocky. And Keaton and I are already on bad terms so me putting him for the negatives might piss him off but probably not anyone else. Ugh

ok so me snapping and voting matt is really annoying KJFHDSAKJFDHS idk why i did that! i was crazy back then... so current thinking is that me/matt/keaton voted matt. and then nicole did keaton and everyone else did nicole. i dont think anyone suspects me but like they woudlnt tell me if they do FJKASDHFKJ apparently matt thinks that nathan did it and anna thinks that it was keaton and maynor and im just like :| FSAJDHFKD. also this comp is about to ruin me like my answers are def gonna make ppl hate me and plus i wrote myself for some good ones which i never do but idk im just really feeling myself so cant wait for the crushing weight of reality to knock me down a peg or two when i get like "next voted out" "doesnt deserve to be here" AFJKSDFHKAJ but maybe not... anyways i recently got obsessed with shakira again like.. im thriving

https://i.imgur.com/5o6sz3j.png when i tell u i screamed JKDFASHKJAD

Okay so Touchy Subjects ALWAYS blows up my game. Like I got all the ones that make people target you. Running the Game. Biggest Snake. Physical Threat. I even somehow managed to get "Trust the Most" and "Best Liar". HOW!? And now I'm super worried because if I wasn't on everybody's radar before I sure am now. And I have no idea who I can trust after those rogue Matt votes. I even feel slightly sketched out by Nick. He's acting...weird. And he keeps telling everyone there is a war between me and Keaton. Which I guess is sort of true because Keaton is throwing my name out there. And obviously I would rather him go. 

everyone is so extra JKDAHSKFJ matt making a post about how the ppl who are lying and saying they didnt vote him are personally effecting him are terrible like.. ok sorry for not exposing myself get over it u got 3 votes one of which were ur own and maybe if u were more active and didnt reply with one word responses no matter how hard i tried to get u to speak i wouldnt have thrown the vote on u. im just like so over his entitledness that ppl confess to him like who do u think u are KJFHADKJFDH. i feel like maybe im being too mean so if matt reads this after the game im sure ur just in ur feelings or w/e and u did say u had personal stuff going on but like thats not an excuse to go on tirades in the tribe chat when no one but u cares.

keaton is the worst person ive ever met (and i know zach :s) weird of him to choose white ppl saying the n word as his hill to die on but um i got the cannon ready to aim and hes going :airplane: to jury.

OK, so basically Annabelle wins immunity!  Good for her, but she's literally not doing enough for me to feel beyond happy for her kjHD... like she's nice and I like her, but at the end of the day, I really don't think she's doing much to propel herself and she's just getting kinda lucky... considering the first and now second immunity have been somewhat luck based... ya....

Keaton's the name being thrown into the mix already (it's only 9:11pm), and I really am fine with that this time around!  I like him, but I think he's just someone who can easily go now and it not be bad for me in the future.  He's already thrown out Sharky's name and basically called out Sharky to his face, so I'm kinda shaking in my booties.  As long as it ain't me, I'm happy enough to listen, but I just don't want any big surprises like the Matt votes, again.

Sharky has been thrown out as the biggest threat in this game right now, and while I think it's very apparent to everyone, I can't have him going anywhere right now.  No fucking way.  I love the shark man.  He's my favorite... he cannot go anywhere... I need him!!  So buh-fucking-bye, Keaton!  I may like you, but it's not enough to keep you.

Keaton is trash.

Let me elaborate on my previous confessional. So first Keaton tries to call me out for mentioning his name which I didn't do (I did admit to it to save the drama so thats partially on me) but he tries to call me out in public after the vote. Gross. Then after the challenge he starts gunning for me hard. He wants to claim I was doing the same but I wasn't gunning for him very hard. Because i didn't care if he went. He wasn't an ally but he wasn't a threat either. until he started trying to tear me down. Also let's be clear this all started because EVERYONE thinks he's rude and annoying. Then he tries to come for me in pms calling me out for spreading lies. Which again I NEVER DID. So I straightened him out on that. Then he tries to do the "If I don’t get you out now I never will and then we all lose." which is BULLSHIT. Don't get mad and angry with me just because I'm playing better than you. CHILDISH. Then in the tribe chat he says "As a player he can burn. As a person he's enjoyable." IS HE TRYING TO MAKE ME HATE HIM!? First of saying I can burn makes me want to really drag him. Also bro you and i don't talk you don't know shit about me as a person. You did that just to feed this "Feud" thats going on. STFU. Bye. Whichever one of us goes I'm glad I won't have to talk to his KIRBY LOOKING ASS anymore. I wish Marie had stayed.

Okay I can't lie I'm super nervous about this vote. I just don't trust anyone. I'm talking to Annabelle now and was like "I'm down to vote for anybody" because I'm not sure where she's at and I want her to know I am a vote for her.

Well. Good thing is that i wasnt dragged with with what Nicole said which is good with me. I didnt get any touchy subject which is also great. My two best allies Sharky and Keaton both did which means they’ll be targeted before I do. Which is awesome. Me and Nathan dont want to see Keaton go so we got Annabell and Bryce to be with us for a 5 person voting block thats going after Matt. Thats right, Matt is going home. Keaton plan was to try and distract Sharky and fight with him and have both of their names on the chopping block. This means that Matt wont see this blindside happening. And if Sharky has an idol, he’ll waste it cuz he won’t be getting any votes. Its gonna sbe wild af. Be ready.

Its been very quiet this morning. The plan has been set so im hoping that nothing else shatters the plan. The idol search doesnt like me as it likes Nick. Only thing i found was an advantage for next immunity which was an extra point butnit was touchy subject so i kinda threw it cuz said my name for the ones i felt where really bad. And i want to give a shout out for host Drew. You are an amazing and cool person.

OK, so Nathan has been going behind me and Sharky's back to target Matt... and I'm just shook to my fucking core.... bless Annabelle's big heart for telling Sharky because it gave us some room to snap hard.  I know Matt has an idol, and I cannot wait for him to pull it out at tribal.  I think that Nathan is thinking very short term and thinking him not telling me and Sharky is just some move he can make on his own, but as the Touchy Subjects' results showed us, Nathan thinks he's running the game but Sharky is actually doing it.  Getting this info... what a fucking legend...

Annabelle doesn't want to be screwed because of this whole situation so Sharky wants to avoid voting Nathan out but I lowkey don't care.  Nathan keeping me out of the conversation makes me lose all trust in him.  I know I'm not the target, but it doesn't change the fact that he's trying to run the game behind my back.  It's not going to work, sir.  It won't.

Ok... I'm angry, but I'm going to have to control that anger and turn it into making the best decision for my game and that will be to work with Matt and Sharky till the end.

Brace yourself this is going to be a LONG ONE. So last night I basically went to Anna and tried to save my ass because I really haven't been sure how genuine our alliance was because of our history together. She basically kept saying she was in a tough spot and this and that and so I outright asked her if she was considering voting for me. And she was like absolutely not. Which is such a relief. HOWEVER! She confesses that Nathan has created a secret plan to vote out Matt. He specifically told everyone not to tell me and Brian about it. EXCUSE ME? Aren't we in an alliance dude? So thats really pisses me off. But supposedly they have the majority for this plan. So that means I don't have to worry about myself as much. But I don't want Matt to go. Especially after this proved that he's one of the only ones I trust. So I'm thinking out of 9 votes we have 3 we can maybe use the steal a vote or something to try and get a majority. CUT TO THIS MORNING. I tell Brian about this secret plan and Brian tells me Matt has a freakin idol!!! So now we can use his idol and even if there are 5 votes left Matt/Brian/Myself control that vote then. Now the tough part...I need the vote to stay on Keaton because if it goes to anybody else Anna is going to think I screwed her over. And I promised her that her telling me wouldn't bite her in the ass. I also need this to stay TOP SECRET because if anyone finds out I leaked the plan they are going to come after me and I love Matt but I don't want to destroy my game to save him. So we need to have Matt use his idol and all 3 of us need to vote for Keaton.

God these people. I am VERY sure I am getting votes tonight and it's ok. Why? Cause I have an idol fuck these cunts. If not the WOOO love a minority!

i'm playing a super dangerous game right now but it's ok hopefully it works out we're here for the messy bitch game play right and i also just like play better in chaos so let's keep it that way once the game gets boring people will think of me.

Y'all I'm feeling real shitty about this week. I still feel super in danger. i feel like everyone is lying to my face. But I'm also worried for Matt. Luckily he has an idol so he'll be safe but the fact that he's catching votes at all is concerning. I hope it's Keaton going out but you just truly never know. This could be my time.

So it seems Matt might be an option for the vote but the questions I have are: Do I trust Matt enough to tell him he’s getting votes? Am I willing to make an early move? How will this will effect me moving forward? And when thinking between Keaton and Matt... I think I know my decision…

The shit hit the fan. Somehow Nick knows the hidden real plan that it was going to be Matt tonight. Keaton keeps lying to Bryce that he’s doing Sharky but Bryce is the number we have to have majority over Matt. Keaton is being sketchy kinda. Hopefully the plan goes according and Matt goes because last time he was doing a witch hunt for those 2 votes. Im going to be drinking at tribal tonight. Shit is too stressful.

Keaton is idoled out in a 6-3 vote.

#episode #allmadhere