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thisdiscontentedwinter · 5 years

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Baby Daddy - Chapter 15

You can read it on AO3 here, or find the Tumblr Chapter Index here.

Waiting is the worst. Stiles has never been a patient guy, and having a sheriff for a father hasn’t made things any easier. When Stiles was a kid, after he lost his mom, he could sometimes work himself all the way up into a panic attack, thinking of all the terrible things that could happen to his dad once he left the house to go to work. And then, of course, one day it did happen. One day Stiles got pulled out of class to be told his dad had been shot, and they didn’t know if he was going to make it.

Jesus.

The last eight months have been stressful as fuck, and today really isn’t helping.

But at least today Stiles isn’t all alone. He’s got Derek with him, and focussing on Derek gives him something to do apart from panic.

He microwaves some pizza pockets he’s been keeping hidden in the very back of the freezer, and forces Derek to sit on the couch and eat one.

“It’ll be okay,” he tells him for what feels like the hundredth time, and with a lot more confidence than he actually feels.

Derek gives him the side eye. “I can hear your heartbeat, you know. I can tell you’re lying.”

“What?” Stiles blinks. “Okay, so first of all, if my heart rate is elevated it’s because I’m scared, not because I’m lying. Lying would be a deliberate attempt to hide the truth. Second of all, you can hear heartbeats?”

Derek nods.

Stiles blinks as he processes the reality of something as crazy as that. “How the fuck do you sleep?”

“You learn to filter stuff out,” Derek says, a slight tug at the corner of his mouth like he’s trying not to react to Stiles’s wide-eyed curiosity. “Everyone does that though, even regular people. We just do it more.”

“Wow.” Stiles ruminates on that for a moment. “So, like, if there was a mouse in the walls, would you be able to hear that?”

“Probably.” For a moment it looks like Derek might actually smile, but then he abruptly ducks his head again, as though he’s caught himself. His expression shutters again.

“Dude, you’re amazing.” He offers Derek what he hopes is an encouraging smile. “I’d love to know more about you and your body and stuff.”

Derek’s eyebrows shoot up.

“That came out wrong!” Stiles’s face burns as he very much does not think about Derek’s body specifically. And in detail. He does not. “I mean, I’d love to know more about what werewolves can do, and how you’re different from the rest of us, if you’re cool talking about it.” He swallows. “Sorry, my mouth runs ahead of my brain a lot of the time. Also, I have ADHD, so that’s saying something, because my brain is also all over the place, and it becomes this whole mouth-brain vicious circle thing.”

Usually when Stiles word-vomits all over a virtual stranger like that, they nod politely and attempt to extricate themselves from the conversation as cleanly as possible. But Derek’s holding his gaze, and his expression is open and soft and somehow strangely fond, like Stiles is a revelation. And the good kind of revelations, not the Bible kind.

It makes something fierce and protective uncurl inside Stiles. It makes him want to stand between Derek and the world, and be his armor. But Stiles isn’t really big enough for that, is he? It won’t stop him from trying though.

“When I as younger,” Stiles says, “this was the worst part. The waiting. Like if Dad got a call in the middle of the night, I’d know it was a big deal, because, well, when they wake the sheriff up in the middle of the night it’s usually a big deal. And I would always try to stay awake until he got home again, because what if I fell asleep again and something happened, and I’d always know that I hadn’t even cared enough to stay up for him?” He picks at the pizza pocket crumbs on the plate, and shrugs. “But at some point I realised I couldn’t do that anymore, you know? That whatever was going to happen was going to happen anyway, and it had nothing to do with me, and being awake or asleep wouldn’t change a damn thing. So, like, we can sit here and worry, or we can sit here and I can ramble at you and ask you questions about werewolves, and whatever happens will happen anyway.”

Derek nods slightly, like Stiles is actually making sense, which again isn’t the sort of reaction Stiles is used to from people he barely knows. Stiles is very much an acquired taste.

“So I’m going to choose to ramble and ask questions,” he says. “And just so you know, that doesn’t mean I’m not also not going to be freaking the fuck out for my dad, and for Laura and your uncle, and for…”

It hits him suddenly. The baby has been such a nebulous concept up until now, even knowing that Laura is pregnant. But it’s still real, isn’t it? A baby. And a part of Stiles thinks wildly that there is no practical difference between a baby who is never born and some invented human being pulled entirely from the imagination—they are both people who fail to exist— but that’s not really true, is it? He feels it. It wouldn’t hurt like this if the baby was just some hypothetical human being.

“And for the baby,” Derek finishes for him, softly.

“Yeah.” Stiles swallows and it hurts. He flashes Derek a shaky smile. “So yeah, fucking werewolves, huh? What is that about?”

Derek returns his smile, and reaches out and takes his hand. “You can ask me whatever you want to distract us both, Stiles.”

“Do you turn into a real wolf?” Stiles blurts out. “Or just like a super hairy and kind of unconvincing Lon Chaney Jr.?”

“I’m very convincing,” Derek says with a hesitant smile that grows when Stiles laughs. “We have two shifted forms. We call one of them the beta shift. It’s with claws, and hair, but it’s still basically human-shaped.”

“Cool,” Stiles breathes. “So cool!”

“And…and most of us can shift into a proper wolf form too,” Derek says, but there’s something guarded in his tone.

“Most of you?”

“I can’t,” Derek says, his tone clipped. “I haven’t been able to, since… Since the fire.”

“Oh, that really sucks.” Stiles squeezes Derek’s hand. “Do you know why?”

Derek looks away. “My pack bond isn’t strong enough.”

“Because you lost your family?” Stiles asks softly.

Derek shrugs, still looking away. “Laura can still do it.”

“I’m really sorry, Derek,” Stiles says.

“It’s just a shift,” Derek tells the floor.

“Yeah, I guess. Seems like you miss it though.”

Derek looks back at him, eyes wide. “I do.”

Stiles leans in closer, knocking their shoulders together. “Maybe you’ll get it back one day. What can you do to make your pack bond stronger again?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll bet we can figure something out,” Stiles says. “I’ll bet you can do there werewolf equivalent of group exercises and trust falls, and all that lame shit they make you do at camp. But cooler! Because werewolves.”

He’s talking out of his ass again, but it wrings a tiny smile from Derek, and Stiles might be a little bit in love with that smile. It transforms Derek’s whole face, and Stiles feels a rush of warm pride at being the one who put it there. Okay, so he thought Derek was a tweaker the first time he saw him, but he’s not. He’s a guy who’s been beaten down by all the bad shit that’s happened in his life, and at some point—at this point—that’s enough. Stiles might have absolutely no control over whatever happens today to Laura and to Peter and to Dad and to Parrish, but he can do this, right? He can make sure that, whatever it is, Derek doesn’t have to face it alone.

“Okay,” he says, forcing lightness into his tone, “so how about you show me your claws, Mr. Chaney Jr.?”

***

Derek doesn’t just have claws—he has fangs as well, and Stiles has to force himself not to reach out and touch them the same way he did the claws. There’s a line, right? And sticking his fingers in another guy’s mouth is probably crossing it.

He follows the curve of Derek’s mouth with his gaze, biting his own lip when he sees the way Derek’s fang digs into the plump flesh.

Derek catches him staring, and Stiles feels the heat rising in his face.

“What else can you do?” Stiles asks him.

Derek glowers, his heavy eyebrows tugging together, and then suddenly coarse, dark hair is sprouting from his cut-glass cheekbones, and his forehead transforms into a thick ridges brow that would be the envy of a Neanderthal. His eyebrows vanish completely somewhere in the process, but a deep widow’s peak compensates for the loss.

Stiles lets out a startled laugh, and this time he can’t keep his hand to himself at all. He traces Derek’s ridged brow, his pointed ears, and then runs his fingers down his wolfy sideburns. Derek turns his head into Stiles’s touch, like a cat, and rubs the side of his face against his fingertips. His eyes shine brilliant blue again, and Stiles wants to laugh at how crazy this is, and how Derek is rumbling like a cat as well.

“Are you sure you’re even a wolf?” he teases. “And not a little kitty cat?”

Derek snaps at his fingertips, and Stiles laughs and pulls his hand away.

“You’re amazing though,” he says, taking Derek’s hand in his, and pressing the pads of his fingers against the tips of Derek’s claws. “When I was a little kid I used to believe the world was magic for way longer than I should have, you know?”

Derek’s throat bobs as he swallows, and Stiles wonders if he can even talk in this form.

“But look at you!” Stiles says. “Holy shit. Look at you!”

Derek rumbles again.

***

The minutes tick slowly away towards the hour, and the tension in Stiles winds tighter and tighter. He doesn’t even know what’s happening, and the not knowing just drives his anxiety higher. He keeps checking his phone every thirty seconds until Derek takes it off him firmly and sets it down on the coffee table just out of reach.

Stiles flashes him an apologetic smile and leans back again. They’re sitting close on the couch, shoulders pressed together, and Stiles leans his head on Derek’s shoulder. Is that weird? He doesn’t even fucking care at this point, because he needs the closeness, okay? And then Derek shifts, and Stiles is about to flail upright again and apologise, but Derek isn’t trying to get rid of him. Instead, Derek lifts his arm and brings it back down again around Stiles, like it’s totally not weird at all, and Stiles exhales slowly. Just two bros cuddling, right? But there actually are extenuating circumstances, and it’s dumb to feel so awkward about this, because why shouldn’t two guys get their snuggle on when they both need a bit of emotional support? It’s only weird because society is fucked up.

Still, Stiles can’t help but notice that Derek smells good. He smells of warmth and soft cotton and some sort of body spray that Stiles doesn’t recognise. And he also can’t help but notice that the chest he’s resting his head against is incredibly well-defined.

God.

Stiles is such a creeper.

He feels a tickle of warm breath against the shell of his ear, and realises that he’s not the only creeper in this scenario. Is Derek smelling his hair?

Stiles turns his head, and Derek flinches back, and they both reach a silent gentlemen’s agreement not to mention they were smelling each other. At least Stiles thinks that Derek’s suddenly pink ears mean that he’s agreeing without words that they will never speak of this again.

But Derek’s arm is still around him, so Stiles reaches up and curls his fingers around Derek’s wrist to hold him there.

He’s okay with never talking about this again.

But right now? They both need it.

***

Stiles blinks himself awake when Derek moves. They’re still cuddling on the couch, and Stiles is attached to Derek’s shirt by a thin string of drool. Gross. He levers himself upright.

“Sleep okay?” Derek says. His face is back to normal now, his eyes green instead of luminescent blue.

“I was just resting my eyes,” Stiles grumbles at him. He reaches for his phone, and squints at the screen. He hasn’t missed any calls or messages. “

“Whatever happens today,” Derek says. “Thank you.”

He sounds vulnerable again, and scared.

“Hey.” Stiles reaches out and catches Derek’s hand, and settles back down beside him. He’s not letting Derek go yet. “Whatever happens, we’ll look out for each other, okay? I drooled on your shirt, Derek. We’re totally bros for life now!”

He thinks it should make Derek laugh, and wonders why it doesn’t.

They continue to wait.

#my fics #baby daddy #sterek #discontentedwinter

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tcportfoliomgj · 3 years

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Wednesday, 9th of June, 2021

"There is really nothing so good for thinking, for clearing your mind, for acquiring fresh, unexpected thoughts than crossing the borders of your homeland." - Jeroen Lutters

So today is the day. Well, technically tomorrow, but I have to hand this portfolio in at 8:00, so that basically means I have to finish and hand it in tonight. Things are a little chaotic. I think I've covered most of the competencies and such, but I still need to do a part of creativity, collaboration and professional challenges. I need to do critical thinking as well (though it's already woven in some other posts too), but I'll do that in another post.

At the start of the year, we had to do a PC with our learning teams. This meant I had to do it with Nynke and Marije. We decided to focus on the ideal classroom and wanted to make a 'guide' for other teachers. I must admit, we didn't always take it that seriously and I would do things differently now. Later, Stijn joined the team and he was able to really add something to our project even though he joined near the end. Our final product was a Padlet (appendix 23), something that I would certainly change if I had to do it now. It's not bad, especially not for a first PC, but I think I would prefer to have a booklet, a neater webpage or a more brochure-like product. Still, I learned a lot from it. I did the research for it and got to practice using databanks and such.

My second PC however, is a lot better in my opinion. It's not finished yet, but I think we might continue this project next year. I worked with Joyce, Marije, Kimberly, Dominique and Eva. Ton was our coach and Bert Wienen our 'client'. But let's take it back to the beginning...

One day, the girls and I started talking about something that was said in a webinar. It was about teachers and whether or not they should also help students with personal problems. At some schools, they keep those things strictly separate. The teacher does the teaching, and everything else is done by other professionals. We found this a little shocking. Sure, teachers aren't psychologists and I don't think they should ever try to be. However, a student's personal life can affect their academic life, so shouldn't we as teachers be there for them to lend an ear and support them? We started questioning what we heard and what we already knew. Pretty soon, the idea formed to make this our PC, but we didn't really know how yet.

We worked on the basics first, like making a group contract (appendix 24) in which we decided on some rules concerning our behaviour, et cetera. Then through Ton, we got in contact with Bert Wienen, as we needed a 'client' for our professional challenge. I've mentioned Bert before, because of his research. I was a bit apprehensive about working with him, because of what he had written and of what he had said in a lecture, but I did want to give it a chance. Together with Ton, we had a brainstorming session. We decided that we could definitely work with Bert, but that we didn't have to focus on labels and diagnoses. We wanted to keep it more general than that because being an involved teacher that coaches also means you want to help everyone with personal problems, not just the ones who are labelled with a certain 'problem'.

We started talking to Bert and quickly came to the conclusion that we already know a lot about what teachers think, but that it's just as important to know what students think. Eventually, we decided that we would conduct preliminary research to help Bert with his research. We wanted to interview students of different ages and focus on student voice. Perception isn't always the same as reality, but it does show us how people experience reality. In fact, the perceptions of students form their views of education and influence their behaviour (Quaglia & Corso, 2017). Because it was preliminary research, we didn't have to worry about all the technicalities. This way, Bert really gave us the opportunity to focus on the interviews.

We made a design canvas (appendix 25) together and started preparing the student interviews. We wrote a project plan (appendix 26), with me taking the lead since I had already had a semester of Project Management when I studied Global Project & Change Management. We also created an interview guideline (appendix 27). This way, we can draw a conclusion from open conversations because in every conversation we have recurring questions. Kimberly and Dominique conducted the interviews on VO, while Joyce did it on PO. We are currently in the process of transcribing all the interviews and we haven't really decided what our final product will be, but we will after the portfolio deadline. We think the conclusion will be that not all students need a teacher to take on a coaching role, but they often do appreciate it. The close proximity of a safe haven isn't the most important, but the knowledge of there being one (Stevens & Bors, 2013, p. 77). We also plan on continuing with this PC next year. Hopefully, we'll be able to take the next steps in our research.

I would say our PC has gone pretty smoothly so far. We communicate quite well and are very honest with each other. We created a space in Microsoft Teams so we could easily share files and work in documents together. Setting up a team collaboration environment can be encouraging and makes it easy to work on a project together (Horine, 2017). We decided that we'd use Whatsapp for daily interactions. Face to face would've been an ideal way to communicate, but because of the pandemic, this was a bit hard. Near the end of the academic year, we were able to work on campus and talk face to face, which made things a lot easier. We used Teams video calls when we weren't able to meet on campus and also to organise meetings with Bert. We'd email him whenever we needed to update him on the project.

I would definitely describe our project group as a 'high-performing team', as Horine (2017) calls it. He says that high-performing teams have a core set of traits. The first trait is clarity. Teams need to know where they are going, what they are going and how they are doing it. I think we had a very clear plan and stuck to it quite well. High-performing teams also show commitment. As a group, we all felt very responsible for this project and wanted to go the extra mile, we were definitely invested and willing to put in the time. According to Horine (2017), the team should also be professional. The members take responsibility and do the assigned work. I think that we, as a team, did handle things professionally. Of course, we would joke here and there, but when we had to get down to business we were always able to get into that mindset. Then there is synergy, the fourth trade. I think this took a while for us, but after some weeks we really started to understand what worked well and who could do what. We started to really use our talents and performed really well as a team. Lastly, there is trust. Trust is of course earned over time, but I think we got to a good level of trust quite quickly. We were honest and open, this way we were able to discuss minor problems and easily work through them. All in all, I think we did really well as a team, and I'm quite proud of us and of our work. I definitely think we showed some courage because interviewing students about a topic like this isn't easy. We focussed on a very relevant topic however and we were very persistent. Sometimes things took a while to move forward, but we never gave up. Something we could improve on might be our focus on a final product, taking more risks and being more self-aware so we could use our talents a little more than we already did.

However, there were also some creative journeys and processes this year that didn't go that well at all. An example of this is the documentary we had to make for Art Based Learning. I wanted to do this alone and my first idea was to make a satirical documentary on the Dutch pluriform society. However, I was very behind on a lot of the work and I tend to be a little impulsive and sporadic. At one point I changed my topic to menstruation because I thought it would be cool to take a taboo topic and turn it into an awesome documentary. But it wasn't easy. I'm not the most structured person, and I easily get stuck during projects because of the simple step by step process. When I think I'm stuck or can't do something, I just block all my motivation to keep going and sometimes give up quite easily. It's not unusual for people with ADHD to struggle with going through a process (Regelink, 2020). Eventually, I was so behind on all the assignments that I decided to admit that I was struggling. I think it's important to not see it as giving up. Admitting that you need help or aren't very good at something can be very hard. Bart very kindly took me under his wings and asked me to join his documentary. He was doing it on a very personal topic but needed someone to conduct research to support his work. I quite like doing research so I was very happy with the job. I found him some news articles and went through government reports for him, highlighting all the relevant information. I will say, I still very much see it as Bart's documentary. Also because he is telling a personal story. I only helped him with the research for it.

I think the beautiful thing about Bart's documentary is that he opens up to all of us to simply tell his own story. His story is not representative of all adopted kids in the world of course, but he also doesn't try to do that. He just tells his own story, while also being aware of the other perspectives out there. The documentary shows multiple sides of a very complex and heavy subject and Bart is respectful of all sides too. His documentary gives to stuff to think about. What's good or bad isn't decided, things just are the way they are, with all the experiences that come with it. He gives you space to just let it all wash over you, you can think about it, take a little while and then form your own opinion. Bart's experience with adoption is not related to the government reports on adoption, but because he still involves it in his documentary you can see that the topic is way bigger than just Bart's story. And still, it's his documentary, his story. It's storytelling in such a beautiful and cool way. Everyone can learn and grow from it.

Another assignment that didn't go too well was the final paper for VMT3 (a history course I took for 'vakinhoudelijke onderwijseenheid'). The course itself went really well. Bas, our lecturer, uses the SALT method, where you basically have an assessment every week instead of at the end of a course. This way, you keep up with the theory learned. Most students start cramming right before an exam, but all that knowledge is very easily lost because of the forgetting curve. Students cram but they never get back to it (Van der Meijden, 2021). I did really well during the weekly oral assessments. I thoroughly enjoy history and I loved Bas' lectures, but VMT3 was only worth 4 EC's, so we had to end it with a final assignment to get to the 5 EC's that we needed. Bas gave us two options, we could either write about the SALT method or write a guide to revolution, using the French Revolution as your example. I chose the latter but my planning wasn't very good. Bas even gave me an extra week, but I wasn't able to finish it. I decided to let it go and hand in my unfinished work (appendix 28) because I had to move on. I'm not very proud of it, especially because I know I can do better and really wanted to do better. We haven't gotten our feedback yet, but Bas did tell us that we passed the oral assessments. I think for me this all adds to my learning journey, some (creative) processes go really well, some not so well. But it shows me that I need to work on my planning skills and my self-discipline.

Still, I think I did fairly well this year, and it also shows in the feedback I've received. A lot of student in TC1 wanted to give each other feedback so we decided it would be a good idea to create a platform where we could do this. I made a Padlet (appendix 29) for our year where we all could give each other feedback if we wanted to. Some students didn't really feel the need to join in this, but some really enjoyed the Padlet and found it quite helpful. I definitely enjoyed reading the feedback people wrote for me.

All in all, I think we've all grown a lot this year. With our creative process, our ability to communicate and collaborate, and just as humans in general. I'm proud of us.

🎵 Riptide - Vance Joy

#collaboration #creativity #communication

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harleytherapy · 5 years

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New Post has been published on Harley Therapy™ Blog

New Post has been published on https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/information-overload-mental-health.htm

Information Overload - Is it Really So Bad For Your Mental Health?

By: Michael Reuter

What is information overload, exactly? It means we have so much data coming at us that our brain does its best imitation of blowing a fuse.

We suddenly can’t think straight, and can even forget what we were doing. Sound familiar?

Information overload in the digital age

How much overload are we talking when it comes to today’s digital world? As of January this year, there are close to two billion websites on the internet. There are around 175 million tweets every day, and 30 billion pieces of content shared monthly on Facebook.

If you wanted to process all the digital data that exists, it would be like watching 200 billion movies, in HD. Oh wait. That was a statistic from seven years ago, so ad some more films to the list… feeling overwhelmed yet?

Information overload in the workplace

Sure, a personal social media account is a choice. So is spending our evenings cruising the internet pretending we are looking for a healthy recipe as we read the latest gossip on the Daily Mail and listen to a podcast.

But the modern workplace can place unrealistic expectations on employees to multi task without asking workers if they feel it’s good for their productivity or not.

A UK-based report by Microsoft found that 55 per cent of British workers felt that information overload was an issue. They reported feeling stressed, and felt it was affecting their wellbeing.

[Feel your workplace is pushing you too hard? Just can’t handle the stress anymore, and really want help? Book Skype counselling now and find ways forward before burnout hits.]

When you LIKE the overload (heck, you’re addicted)

Do you wake up determined to have a focussed day, check social media just once, then decide just to glance ever so briefly a cute cat video, then…. bam, it’s five o’clock and your day has passed yet again in a haze of distraction?

Each time you change activities because it seems fun your brain actually rewards you, popping out some dopamine. You get caught in a dopamine loop, with each stimulating distraction releasing dopamine until you are pretty much addicted to being distracted (and our prefrontal cortex already has a ‘novelty bias’ meaning it enjoys new things.)… The true danger of cat videos….

The negative effects of information overload

A reality check is sorely needed when it comes to our addiction to information. What’s the real cost of information overload?

Mental fog, anyone?

Does your thinking feel fuzzy when you try to do too much on your computer, switching between emails, social media, and word documents? Multitasking is shown to increase cortisol and adrenaline, which can overstimulate your brain into static.

You absorb LESS information.

Multitasking actually lowers the brain’s ability to take in new information.

Time for memory failure…

You become LESS efficient.

Psychology has long been fascinated by the effects of multitasking on the brain, with studies going as far back as the 1990s.

And the conclusion is always the same — we pay a price for multi-tasking, called the ‘switching cost’. And that price is time. The time to change attention and refocus, but also the time to correct mistakes, which we make more of when multi-tasking.

The American Psycholg

Your decision making skills plummet.

It all gets a little grumpy.

Is your college really as miserable as you think, or are they just sensitive to information overload?

Can information overload cause mental health issues?

Already prone to anxiety? Information overload can be a trigger. You can start to feel stressed by all you are dealing with, begin to think of worse-case scenarios if you don’t get on top of things, check Facebook and see an event you must go to that you don’t want to, feel even more stressed…. and anxiety is upon you.

Self-esteem can also be affected by information overload. Feel like everyone around you at work is so focussed and capable and you are the only one who can’t seem to cope? It’s bound to leave you feeling a little ‘less than’.

Which can be made worse if you suffer Adult ADHD. Attention deficit disorder means you are already more distracted than others. The modern workplace can leave you feeling that your natural talents, say, brainstorming, creativity, and lateral thinking, are being drowned out in a need for data upkeep you can’t meet.

All these things – anxiety, stress, low self-esteem, adult ADHD – can be contributing factors to a case of depression or burnout.

Want help to be more focussed? Harley Therapy connects you with career counsellors and ADHD therapists in central London locations. Not in London? Our booking site connects you to registered therapists UK-wide, and Skype counsellors you can contact no matter where you live in the world.

Have a question about information overload? Or want to share your best tip with other readers? Post in the comment box below.

#adult adhd #Anxiety #stress management #workplace stress

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