#all of this and i didnt even hit on how psychosis is so isolati g as well

[miopet]

i will never be tired of my own narcissism bcuz that hurts literally no one and i am my own #2 fan (bug is #1). however i *am* quite tired of being antisocial.

the trauma i have been through makes it almost impossible to relate to 99% of anyone ever even though i really do like other people, i truly believe most people (and all life) are inherently good or neutral at worst, and i do as much as i can to be someone other people can rely on without sacrificing my own need to rely on others.

i don’t really suffer often from ailments such as embarrassment or severe social anxiety etc because i don’t care to that degree what anyone thinks about me. if i like who i am, i don’t really need anyone else to. but that’s not true, is it? because everyone needs someone else. humans evolved to need positive social reception and i got literally none of that at all as a kid.

of course i do actually want people to like me but i mostly find myself wanting that in a broader, grander, shallower (cough narcissistic cough) sense. i want to be an Artist or Activist someone with a Voice that is amplified and amplifies others with quieter voices. but i LOOOOVE being unknown irl except to a handful of my ~special chosen besties~ also i want to have done good for the world at large by the time i die. and i want to be able to host huge family parties on holidays. i want 10,000 adopted children. so that’s all extremely specific to ask for lol.

mostly i want the peace and safety to make real friends, but it is so very difficult for me due to disability to keep up any relationships because i never have spoons to type or call or play games. and i can’t truly open up to anyone because i just don’t. idk, even. there’s just Something Wrong.

my trauma informed (disordered) genuine (split) personality feels too severe, and too much for anyone including myself. i locked parts of my own brain away for years and punished them relentlessly until they began to punish back. of course we are much better about that now as an adult, but it still happens, and it’s not fair that i feel so pressured to do that just because they remember what happened. my parents abused sa’d and tried to kill me and i am expected to be normal? to be capable of anything remotely like a normal life? it’s all a joke to me honestly but i don’t go wild batshit insane because i am aware of my privileges (as i should be).

but my default is this: i am so angry and i feel so justified in my anger and anyone who isn’t as angry as i am is Literally Wrong. get angry with me, or get the fuck out of my life because if you aren’t fighting with me you must be fighting against me. i, and many other marginalized people, do have every right to feel that way…

but i can’t turn my fight/flight response off EVER and i always pick fight so i force myself to avoid potentially contentious social situations in general… which becomes all of them, becuz how am i supposed to know what is and isn’t acceptable as a visibly trans traumatized autistic dyke bitch?

and so adding antisocial to all of that is like seasoning a bag of salt and vinegar chips with a cup of soft pretzel salt.

#talk tag #📖 #long post #csa mention #child abuse mention #trauma cw #all of this and i didnt even hit on how psychosis is so isolati g as well