#all these refs are old as hELL I need to remake em-

[zibiscusloon]

Don’t ask me why I’m posting these I’ve just fallen back into a Splatoon mood and these guys entered my head again-

{Splatoon OCs}

Note- not including agents

Persephone “Sephie” Ika

-God help this dumbass she’s a hazard to herself and others-

-22 years old, female, she/her, pansexual

-She’s the most chaotic brush main on the field, who is literally only good at clam blitz (fucking somehow-)

-Ranked C- (she may be good at clam blitz but pity the poor souls on her team in any other mode)

-Has a pet Sea Bunny named Toast, or as Pushpop would call him “Devilfish”

-Found Pushpop around in between the events of Splatoon 1-2 after she accidentally stumbled upon the metro, she had no idea what this fella was saying or even acknowledged that he was trying to splat her but she quickly knew she wanted to befriend him.

-How? She gave him food. (Look that man was starved-)

-They moved in together and after a few years started dating. She’s his dumbass and he loves her.

-She’s no-contact with her parents for unspecified reasons.

-Met the Half Bait duo at one of their concerts, to which through a series of shenanigans involving some pissed off seagull, her and Pushpop befriended them (they all team up for Turf Battles)

-She will bite.

-She’s a hopeless romantic and has a large collection of romance novels.

-Collects Squid Friends (those lil inkling furbies)

“Pushpop”

-Sephie’s sanitized boyfriend

-Cynical and snide, Pushpop has little to no memory of who he was before he entered the Metro, all he knows is that he’s permanently pissed off.

-23 years old, male, he/him, bisexual

-He has a resting bitch face

-Doesn’t really get how Sephie managed to drag him into her life all those years ago but she’s his problem now and he’s come to accept this.

-The most annoying brella main you will ever meet, he has mastered the undercover brella.

-He’s a big Deep Cut fan (likes em mainly to spite Raps and Adaliah-)

-He has declared war on a literal slug (Toast; it’s a mutual hatred)

-Man has literally never lost a Splatfest, picking the same team as him tends to be a guaranteed win. (He usually doesn’t even support the actual team he picks he just goes with what he thinks’ll get him the most snails)

-Sephie is the one who gave him the name Pushpop, he doesn’t remember what his original one is so he’s let it grow on him.

-Doesn’t show it often but he is highly insecure about his zombie-like appearance. Sephie often reminds him of how beautiful she finds him.

-Him and Sephie wear promise rings.

Rakeidra “Raps” Sockeye / Bloody Mackerel

-Goblin goblin gob-

-Local fish somehow passed as a squid! More at 12!

-Raps is a Salmonling who fled her homelands near the Smokeyard to avoid attacks from Grizzco Industries (gal ain’t a fighter)

-22 years old, female, she/her, lesbian

-Salmonlings result from a genetic mutation within their eggs, they’re usually assigned as their community’s mechanics (Raps herself isn’t all that good with gadgets..)

-Can shift into a more salmonid like appearance in her swim form

-Strictly uses traditional Salmonid weaponry, her main weapon being an old rusty frying pan (its an old Sockeye family heirloom!)

-Met Adaliah by chance as they both had something to hide during their stay in Inkopolis, they both had a love for music and eventually formed their Punk Rock band: Half Bait!

-Uses the stage name Bloody Mackerel and prefers to sing in a nasally voice as she finds it more authentic!

-Developed a crush on Adaliah over the course of their friendship and eventually worked up the courage to ask them out (the entire confession was a disaster but Adaliah was so moved by this absolute idiot and agreed to date em; much to Raps’s shock)

-Relentlessly bullies Scuffle-

Adaliah Dumbo / Corpse Tide

-The other half of Half Bait, this is Corpse Tide! (Or just Adaliah-)

-22 years old, nonbinary, she/they, sapphic

-She’s a half-sanitized octoling, she came to the metro after hearing the calamari inkantation and was found by C.Q. and Tartar.

-However, unlike most unlucky octarians who came down there, they shortly began to take notice of what was going on as they went through the test sights (this however did not stop Tartar from trying to sanitize her, she managed to escape though)

-Despite the sanitization not being complete, Adaliah still has to deal with the repercussions of her new transformation

-She often feels as though her skin has begun to rot, and she has a few holes in her memory (one of their biggest fears is completely losing their memories)

-They and Pushpop might trauma dump on each other often- just a bit-

-Regular customer at Hotlantis

-Is actually insanely strong in upper arm strength, as such, they prefer more heavy weaponry (hand em a splatting and they’ll go ham on the battlefield-)

-It is not fun being on the opposing team when she’s playing ranked (they’re insanely good at finding high vantage points and will fully take advantage of their lil hiding spots, it’s the former solider in em-)

Scuffle Lukewarm

-He isn’t paid enough to deal with Raps’s and her bullshit I stg-

-This is Scuffle! He’s a jellyfish and Raps and Adaliah’s manager.

-28 years old, trans male, he/him, aroace

-This jelly has not sept a wink in the past five years. Basically living off of energy drinks and expresso.

-Raps has a bad habit of making snarky half thought out remarks to which Scuffle is the one stuck trying to be in damage control to preserve Half Bait’s reputation. He’s gonna kill her one of these days he swears-

-Met the Half Bait duo half way through their career while he worked a dead end job at MakoMart, he insisted he meant to do more then just live the life of a cashier and offered up his services as their manager.

-Had to learn how to speak some Octarian and Salmonid as surprise! He realized half way through working with em that neither Raps or Adaliah were inklings! Whoops! (So much that spending 2 years learning Inkling got him..)

-Handles finances and merch

-He really doesn’t get along with Sephie and Pushpop honestly scares him (he has to put up with em both though since they’re his bosses friends..)

-Tends to flare up in lil outbursts that take hours on end for him to cool down from.

-Tends to a kelp garden as a sort of self therapy.

Savannah “Savvy” Tropics

-Th-This is a child what are you doing here??

-The tech team for Half Bait, Savvy is a sea slug that works as Raps and Adaliah’s lil mechanic as she’s naturally gifted with gadgets.

-9 years old, female, she/her, questioning

-The sassiest lil shit to ever sassy lil shit. She’s such a damn brat-

-Met the Half Bait team after stealing profits from their merch from hacking their accounts. Raps was pretty impressed by the brats audacity that she gave her a job (much to Scuffle and Adaliah’s objection-)

-She’s a street rat orphan who didn’t really have anywhere else to go and hey, it’s a chance at money, why pass up?

-After finding out about her homeless status after the years they spent with her, Raps and Adaliah have seriously considered adopting her (they practically view her as their bratty child, they’re just waiting to see if it’s something she’d be comfortable with: spoilers, yes, yes she would-)

-Basically any time Half Bait would be on air she’d act as a moderator between Raps and Adaliah (especially during splatfest) she’d usually act as the one to introduce and represent a third team just cause she’s a menace who likes to bully her moms.

#my art #oc #oc art #splatoon #splatoon 3 #splatoon oc #inkling #octoling #sanitized octoling #splatoon jellyfish #splatoon sea slug #idol oc #didn’t include my agents cause I ran out of room #and I’ve been brain rotting on my non-agent OCs so- #they are all grade A dumbasses #(cept Scuffle he’s the only one with the brain cells-) #may redesign Sephie- but idk #all these refs are old as hELL I need to remake em- #anyway we will go back to our usually scheduled shenanigans these guys just decided to sneak in for a sec-

[avanneman]

War for the Planet of the Apes: Silence is golden, so it would seem

Back in the day, I used to work as a contractor with the National Commission for Education Statistics. Whenever we put out a report, we agonized, not over data, but over pictures. We have to send the right message here! We need Hispanic kids and black kids! The black boy is looking down the microscope? Can’t we have a black girl for that? This is a math report! Aren’t there too many Asian kids on the cover? And this kid! He could be American Indian, couldn’t he? And what about Hawaiian natives? And Alaskan natives!

Yes, we worried about things like that. We worried about girls who were too pretty (or, absolutely the worst of all, sexy.) We didn’t have the budget to go out and hire models, which we didn’t want to do anyway, but when you’re using unposed pictures, well, did the kids give their permission to be photographed in the first place? If only there were some sort of generic, all in one and one in all kid you could use, that would please everyone and offend no one!

Well, surprisingly enough, life in DC can be a lot like life in Hollywood, except of course in Hollywood they’re smarter, because they have found generic all in one and one in all sympathy figures: Apes!

I am a severe late comer to the whole planet of the apes thing, passing on the Charlton Heston1 original and passing on all the sequels and reboots that have, well, rebooted themselves, but I’m damned if I’ll pay to see a rebooted Spiderman, and War for the Planet … has been an unqualified smash, 98% at Rotten Tomatoes! So naturally I saw it and so naturally I’m going to bitch.

A week or so ago I bemoaned the fact that Baby Driver sought to yank if not actually masturbate our heart strings by equipping “Baby” (Ansel Elgort) with a step dad who is both black and deaf—how cute is that?—and by having Baby (who can, of course, talk natural) sign with dad as well.2 Yes, we do find the deaf touching, and signing is touching too. And speaking of touching, you know what else is touching? Apes! Oh yeah! You see where I’m going with this? How about a whole nation of apes—chimps, mostly, but gorillas and orangutans too—and they all sign? And we’ve got a hero who signs and talks! Who needs ethnicity when we’ve got apes? Signing apes!

Okay, since you’re probably seen earlier “Apes” films—I’m assuming you’re less of a culture snob than I am—this is probably old news to you. But I was a total virgin to this stuff, and since I didn’t have my bifocals with me, I couldn’t read the backstory in the screen, but it didn’t take long to figure—apes good, humans bad. Except for this one human who—wait for it—can’t talk.

It’s perfectly okay to create a world of humanized animals for any purpose whatsoever, from Beatrice Potter’s Peter Rabbit to Swift’s houyhnhnms and yahoos (arguably, the “source” of the whole “apes” thing in the first place). I myself created a whole galaxy of mostly giant insects for my hero, Vorak of Kolnap, an amiable (usually) six-foot cockroach. But I find It a bit silly to romanticize apes for having human qualities which they in fact do not have while demonizing humans for having qualities which we, well, which we do have but which we share in some manner with our simian cousins.

The specific plot of War is set in motion when the evil “Colonel” (Woody Harrelson) kills “Cornelia” (Judy Greer) wife of signin’ and speakin’ boss ape Caesar (Andy Serkis)3, as well as the elder of their two sons, “Blue Eyes” (Max Lloyd-Jones4). Caesar sets off with “Rocket” (Terry Notary), a fellow chimp, along with “Red” (Ty Olsson), a gorilla, and Maurice (Karin Konoval), an orangutan (a very large orangutan), who may be part Vulcan (just a guess) to avenge their deaths.

What follows can best described as the drippings and leavings of Star Wars, Star Trek, some bad-ass posturing from Apocalypse Now, and a big chunk of the Book of Exodus. Our searchers pick up an ally in “Bad Ape” (Steve Zahn), another chimp, who comes across as a less racist (fortunately) Jar-Jar Binks, who seems to spend a lot of time falling down holes. Funny!5 Also they pick up this sweet chick “Nova” (Amiah Miller), a mute who is the only female of any species to get decent screen time.

Is it rude to point out that male chimps don’t hug their sons? That’s because they don’t know they have sons! They aren’t “faithful” to their “wives”, which they don’t have. Struggles for male dominance within a chimp troop frequently lead to mutilation or death, and conflicts between groups can be equally lethal, sometimes resulting in cannibalism.6 I’m sorry, but it’s silly to contrast “innocent” apes with wicked humans by assigning to apes virtues that they don’t have, that only humans even conceive of. All the sexual morality that War for the Planet of the Apes attributes to apes is found—to the extent that it is found—only among humans, because morality is a human construct—which is why we find it so easy, and, often, so exciting, to violate.

As I’ve suggested, there are no “strong” females in this film, and, as far as I could tell, no LGBT apes either, which, after all, could be kind of fun. They could distill chartreuse and give each other apish attitude—“Either this banana tree goes or I do”. That sort of thing.

Am I the only one who notices this stuff? I mean, in the year of Wonder Woman, a critical smash/blockbuster that’s virtually chick-free? And I could also complain about the geography. First it’s tropic, like, Africa, then they’re in the “North”, and then it’s pretty definitely Monument Valley, where John Ford used to shoot all his westerns, before ending up by a lake that looks like a pre-development Tahoe. How chimps are supposed to survive in an environment like that is anybody’s guess.

Earlier, the chimps are building this huge wall for the Colonel that’s almost like the ancient Hebrews making bricks for old Pharaoh without straw. And when they reach the, you know, “Promised Land”, and then Caesar dies, it’s sort of like Moses, or since they’re clearly in the American West it’s like if the Indians got away from the white folks and got their country back. So why not do a remake of Exodus if that’s what it really is? Or an outright Indian picture, if that’s what it is?

Well, Hebrews—Jews, really—that can be controversial. You might be sending the wrong message. And if you did an Indian picture, well, the Indians would probably want in on it, would want Indians in the lead roles. And when did an Indian carry a picture? I’m trying to be realistic here.

But apes, Jesus. Everybody loves apes. Everybody!

Afterwords It's "interesting" that all of the critics who are falling all over themselves for the cheesy sentimentality of "Apes" are also falling all over themselves over the campy cynicism of Game of Thrones, which is pretty much The Sopranos with dragons or maybe Lord of the Rings without any good guys.

Why can’t Word spell “Heston”? What is the deal here, Bill? ↩︎

The shtick of gaining sympathy for a speaking character by endowing him/her with the ability to sign goes back at least as far as Lily Tomlin’s character in Robert Altman’s Nashville. ↩︎

In “real life”, of course, Julius Caesar’s wife was named Cornelia. I’m not sure what this is supposed to mean. ↩︎

I don’t know why Max gets a credit, because I don’t remember Blue Eyes doing anything except die. I guess the guy has a good agent. ↩︎

The slapstick here was so sloppy that at first I couldn’t believe it was supposed to be funny. Largely because it wasn’t. ↩︎

None of the apes ever show their canines, which, in gorillas especially, are quite “impressive”, not to mention scary as hell. But apparently admitting that apes sometimes bite would be “sending the wrong message”. ↩︎

#War for the Planet of the Apes #irony #2017 movies