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2centsofsilver · 6 years

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12/27/17 “The Mark” after Mike’s game .25mg

“I don’t believe in that stuff.” -Mom “What?” -Me “Blamig something for something else.” -Mom

(In reference to where problems stem -- i.e. Me asking my parents what types of events transpired in 2006 that led to our relationship troubles now.)

“If a person spends all their time thinking about that then they’re not living their life.” -Mom (In reference to me trying to connect the dots) ----------------------- 2am conversation with Natasha: ME: (segments from the convo): “I have learned so much about c-ptsd. This book is phenomenal. A second book came today and my mom asked if they were school books and I said yes. If I could leave tomorrow I would but I have the third book arriving Friday. But they're absolutely nuts Natasha. Like the things they say and the things that have happened being home for 5 days now. They've been so bad. And I blame myself fully for nearly everything.” Natasha’s Question: “What have you talked about with Amy regarding your role or you contributing to their bullshit? Bc I always can picture you saying things that they react to and get mad about and the things you might say are true though lol. Are these fights about similar things from your past? Things that might be triggers even more so than usual?” Me: “Idk if this is what you mean or not for your first question (?) but 1 thing I'm trying to explain to her is that I really don't blame them entirely and that I wholeheartedly (really truly though) believe I'm at equal fault for all our past and current issues because I can't keep my mouth shut and am actually a huge bitch who often initiates conflict by bringing things up or responding rudely or being sarcastic in their presence because that's what happens when I cannot stand being around them. And I am at just as much fault for all the raging fights because I'm screaming at them loud AF too, calling them names and swearing, etc etc. But she says "That's exactly what emotional abusers want victims to think is that they're at fault." But I don't think she gets it. Idk. In these books it blames the parents sooooo much. And I'm not sure that applies in my situation. Like I really truly believe I'm a terrible daughter. I just feel that I literally am at fault for all our problems because I initiate a lot of the fights. And I drag them on too. I talk back to my dad in rage and then immediately hate myself for hurting his feelings, etc. I just can't stand the idea of blaming them entirely and ‘being off the hook.’ My parents constantly think it's ‘deplorable’ (one of their fave words) that I talk negatively about them at all, that I'd even dream of blaming them for ANYTHING because ‘they're good parents’ and ‘care about us so much’ and I agree that they are and they do. Like I'm not innocent ever. I turn into such a monster during our fights. Like such a fucking bitch. I say terrible things and I hurt their feelings but it's 100% all out of defensiveness, trying to protect myself from getting hurt by what's inevitably to come.” Then in response to her saying she’s glad Mike was so supportive: “Mike was super supportive yeah! I waited till he got home the other night at like 3am and I told him and he listened and he was like ‘Idk why you thought it was such a big deal to tell me’ and he hugged me lol and he also agreed that we under no circumstance can tell mom and dad lol” Me: “Brb going downstairs for water because my dad turned off the water upstairs (such a story, holy fuck). Like literally the largest issues that happened these last 5 days were: -The FB post -The water -The cookies -Finances and just, every little thing they lose their fucking shit over is the exact reason why I cannot tell them about school. The water is a great example. And the FB post tenfold.” REGARDING my Physical Pain: “I gained like an embarrassing amount of weight since the Savannah/Max/Gabe thing. Like I have been eating atrociously. And I'm well aware of it, except I have convinced myself I gave myself diabetes because of what I'm experiencing in my body. My legs and arms are constantly prickly and going numb all day long. I get these terrifying spiky pains behind my calves which I always have feared are blood clots but idk. I get a terrible pressure pain in my hand all the way up to my shoulder that drives me insane. But worst of all, about 2 weeks ago I came down with back-breaking pain. It's in my front pelvis bone (like the tip top of my thighs), deep within both hips, in my ass, specifically the sacral area, and my low back. It's so fucking bad and it came out of no where. I believe I have gained so much weight that my lower extremeties cannot take it. I havent actually checked my weight but I'm terrified I'm at 400. I can't even believe I'm telling you this. I cant even tell myself this. It's also possible I'm no where near that number and have created this all in my head. But I'm also scared I'm diabetic because of the nerve issues and idk what to do. Amy believes in intuitive eating and I'm starting one of her programs in January. I was supposed to be in it currently but I missed a ton of sessions because of depression. She does not understand that in waiting for this intuitive health program to start, I'm actually neglecting my current weight and health issues. It's the same situation as the c-ptsd. In waiting for me to experience long-term results, we've neglected current relationship issues that I'm convinced had we addressed as they were happening, I could have mended current lost friendships in the Savannah/Max/Gabe situation. But yeah, terrified about the pain. Cannot sit still. Cannot walk without pain, can't roll over in bed. Sitting and laying down is agony as is standing and walking. I am ready to start something like 21 day fix again and get a gym membership but Amy is stressing this Hungerwise program and blah blah blah and I have no doubt it's miraculous and works. It's just. I am ready to start now with something a bit more hardcore and I'm afraid that if we keep waiting and taking a slower mindfulness approach to all this, I'm literally putting my life at stake.” ON THE BOOKS/HOCKEY GAME TONIGHT: "’Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA’ I've been carrying it around in my purse all day, room to room. I also went to mike's game tonight where my parents would not sit with me, talk to me, stand with me. It made me so anxious that I asked my mom for the keys so I could leave and come back. She said no and turned her back on me. So I went over to a corner and sat on a bench alone and read the book with my highlighter but like hid the cover the entire time. Also some hockey moms there tonight who I don't remember/have never met/have no idea who they were approached me excitedly like ‘HEYYYY you're at U of M getting your Masters in Social Work!!!! How do you like Ann Arbor?!?!?!’ I just looked at this one lady and was like, ‘it's great.’ God the hockey thing was such a nightmare tonight. Everything about it. I absolutely HATE when my parents continuously walk away from me in front of people they know. Like they always walk ahead of me and away from me. Like walking into the ice arena I didn't wanna be left behind and they walked way up ahead and then my mom didn't hold the door open and just kept walking away from me while she went from parent to parent talking to everyone acting all excited to see everyone. And in watching my mother's inability to socialize/naturally interact with other hockey moms, I just couldn't stand to be there myself. Trying to partake in the circles of conversations while both my parents ignored me entirely. On the occasion a hockey mom asked me about U of M, my parents would get these huge fake ass smiles like boasting me, is that the word? And if I'd try and stand by my mom she'd just abruptly turn away. Like why did they even bring me if that's what it was gonna be? And what was I supposed to do the whole time? I had so much anxiety and felt so uncomfortable because already there were tons of people, tons of Mike's old friends. I even tried to talk to my dad like small talk and he wouldn't talk back.”

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