#also therapy is kind of scratching at old wounds right now so im in such a mood this past week with the extra stress

[kittykatinabag]

I think the thing that pisses me off most about my graduate university is that since I am an international student, in order to take this program I can only take it as a full time option.

For a normal, neurotypical person this isn't a problem. But I am not a normal neurotypical person, I am a very mentally ill person (probably more so than I let on to be) who's been absolutely broken by the last 6 or so years of existence and currently cannot handle a full course load without spiralling into depressive episodes and anxiety attacks.

But I can't take this program part time. Because then I can't stay in the country. It's such a fucked situation. Honestly it's probably discriminatory too, but I highly doubt the neoliberal state even recognizes disability brought on by mental illness even if their own documents acknowledge it.

Society in general will be all like "uwu it's okay to not be okay!" until the moment you say that you're not able to produce like an average person and then suddenly you're on a performance improvement plan or you quit your job because the thought of working like you used to makes you horribly nauseous and suicidal. But I might be projecting a bit here.

Long story short I'm not having a good time working on my final assignments right now and I don't think even if I ask for extensions it will help anything.

#late night ramblings #also therapy is kind of scratching at old wounds right now so im in such a mood this past week with the extra stress #on top of end of the year stress #i had to skip out on co-studying with my classmates because i dont think i could have taken the anxiety theyre putting off #like the times we were having coffee/tea earlier in the year and talking about presentations i could feel the anxiety radiating #and like i also havent done anything for this final project because ive been fighting my demons and the wifi #so it would be kind of pointless to go and hear their comments about my situation #i cant even break down fully because im sharing an apartment and when i break down i get kinda loud and cry a lot #and i dont want to disturb the others or have them be all worried #i know if i can just get all the emotions out of me i can robot my way through the inital roadblocks #but since i cant fully break down its pretty much useless. #so all the stress just tenses up in my body even though the body is already slightly tensed from the small space here #like how the single bed is relegated to a corner so i cant stretch out fully #and the shower is so small that all i can do is turn around in it and every time i bend down my skin touches the freezing tiles #so my muscles and joints are slightly wrecked right now and will be for quite a long while #im not even going to get into exisitential stresses like money and purpose but those are there too