#and I feel like....I don't know. I don't want the chinese to impede in any way my reading experience of it

[meichenxi]

ATTENTION: MXTX BOOKS ACQUIRED!!!!!

!!!! yes!!!!! you heard that correctly!!!!!  I now have copies of TGCF and MDZS in traditional chinese, vertically laid out, plus a whole bunch of other books!!

(I have just returned from taiwan; it was by far not my only purpose in going, but I also decided to stay four days extra at the end after my friend had left just so I could go a-hunting.)

I am. so unbelievably excited. and especially because, with never having a) looked at these books in chinese, b) never having read anything beyond a few lines in traditional, and c) never having read vertical formatting, they are....readable? not with a dictionary on kindle or pleco like I’ve done before to make sense of things, but readable cover-to-cover without a dictionary at all. 

that is a HUGE step for me. reading has always been a bit of a mental block and with the traditional especially and the formatting I was very much expecting it to be a strugglebus situation and don’t get me wrong, it requires a good fucking deal of mental concentration and yes, I do occasionally run my finger down the page to not lose my place like an old person, but...I’m reading them

in the last four? three? days, I’ve read, as of right now, 68 pages of tgcf volume one consecutively (as in, just from the beginning) and over 90 pages in total (+ the pages I read for the scenes I like and skipped to). and it’s so FUNNY!!! I had honestly forgotten. I’m laughing out loud at points!! I read extremely quickly in english, and also have a terrible memory, which combines into flying through books and never having any idea what happened in them - reading more slowly I feel like I can enjoy what is going on more, and appreciate just honestly how funny the writing is. it’s hilarious. xie lian is such a moron (affectionate). ‘next time, if you have to throw something, throw me and not the food, ok?’ what a loser!!!! what a guy!!!!! 

so, 68 pages in, now for an honest appraisal of where I’m at.

first, formatting. 

 the vertical layout - look, going to be honest, I kind of hate it. I’m not used to looking up and down and feel like I’m bobbing my head, and it makes scanning a line more time-consuming. on the other hand, I can feel a massive increase in speed and comfort from even when I started three or four days ago, so I think it’s a matter of practice. I noticed also that when I went to the bookstore I still have the completely hilarious and useless habit of tilting my head to look at the books. the titles of which are written vertically. 

second, traditional. 

I am reading a lot slower than I do in simplified and horizontal laid-out texts, which is not surprising. the traditional is the biggest stumbling block definitely - but it’s not as big actually as I would have thought. I’ve been picking up frequent very different characters with two or three repetitions; not enough to internalise them and read them as seamlessly as in simplified chinese, but enough to look at them, even when it’s a little jarring, and go ‘oh, that means this’ in my head. I have found that I tend to subvocalise more with a) the increase in very different traditional characters, and b) the difficulty of the text. when there are simple conversations or directions I don’t subvocalise at all, which I consider generally speaking to be a good thing as it improves your speed of reading. when there’s a lot of mid-frequency fairly different characters (i.e. ones that I have picked up in these few days but aren’t common enough to be every two lines, and that I still very much have to think about), I subvocalise a LOT. when the characters are ones that I think I probably don’t know in either traditional or simplified, or there are a lot of very confusing descriptions, I don’t subvocalise at all, even if I could by phonetic components. I just - vibe. which brings me onto the next part. 

reading traditional - the brain feeling. 

I CANNOT describe how strange it is to read traditional and how wonderful an organ the brain is. it honestly feels like magic. if you’re still reading at this point and I’m not just shouting into the void, you probably know that I can’t handwrite in chinese to save my life - what that means practically for character recognition is that you could ask me to name the components of a character I see 100000 times a day and I couldn’t do it. it’s all subconscious. I have NO memory or understanding of what radicals are used where at the best of times in simplified chinese, and it’s all done via The Vibe. 

this is EVEN stronger in traditional chinese. I have not really ever deliberately learnt or consumed any media in traditional apart from a few characters you commonly see written or appeared when I have done a little bit of Classical chinese, like 馬，為，無 etc. I also got up to about halfway through the hsk1 course on skritter for a while on one of my endless attempts to learn how to write - so that gave me characters like 歡，對，甚麼 and so forth. in total that’s....still not that much. the VIBES I get when reading, though - incredible!!!!! I see these characters (not just ones with components that are predictable in traditional forms, but fairly or very different ones) that I have no memory of ever seeing before in my life and go, oh, that feels vaguely like this one. and then I look it up and I’m right. 

some of these are things of course are not objectively difficult - if you know the two components, you can go, oh, those are the two traditional versions of the components and so stuck together is the traditional character. but since I don’t consciously know the component parts off the top of my head of more than about 12 simplified characters (rip), this feels like utter magic. I have also been guessing quite a lot based on context and radicals.

I also know I probably HAVE seen some of these characters before at some point, I just don’t remember. nevertheless. it feels amazing, especially with the ones that are not predictable and are totally different. it’s a very bizarre experience. the coolest part though is the ability to remember new characters without looking them up or ‘learning’ them - a large majority of the traditional characters I can know recognise have genuinely been learnt over the last three days. if I see them for a second or third time - they’re mine now. and that is very cool and comes with practice and NOT anything innate blah blah because when I first started, I remember looking at characters over 20 times and still not being able to remember if I had even SEEN them before, let alone what they mean. so that ability has improved a huge amount, and I think reading and learning new words within the context of that book is mostly to thank for that. 

(not really relevant to any of the above, but reading in a foreign language is so interesting, because you really notice the vocabulary the author uses again and again and again more than in your native language. for instance, mxtx is constantly saying 这下. also 莞尔 as a word for smile - xie lian is CONSTANTly 莞尔一笑 . those are the two I’ve noticed a lot so far.)

overall then:

there are plenty of individual words I don’t know, but it’s usually clear what they mean in context, and when I know I’m reading a description of someone’s elegant fingers that's all you really need to know. none of it has affected my reading experience enough to make me physically put down the book and open pleco. 

I haven’t needed the dictionary for anything so far that I can’t get from context or memory of what happens. this means that I am Reading It Reading It, as opposed to Pleco Reading It or Kindle Reading It. which feels like a huuuuuuuuge milestone and difference and you know,,,honestly tearing up a little bit!!!!! because it’s so cool and I never thought I’d get here!!!!!! 

----

with all of that in mind, my plan for reading these is just...go from cover to cover with the first volume of tgcf, but let myself - since I know the story - jump around to read and re-read the bits I like reading. I want to get at least through the first two books of tgcf before I try to tackle any of the other books that I have bought. I’m not stopping to learn vocab really without the dictionary as most of it hasn’t been necessary so far and would interrupt the reading flow, but sometimes if there is a word I have seen 238290 times I will. I have only done this a few times, however, so I think for pulling vocab from this book I will have to do it separately - i.e. choose a passage I like and write down all the vaguely useful / fun words I don’t know. 

I have also got mdzs. now. the thing here is that...I love tgcf, but I’m not as precious about it as I am about mdzs. I have also NEVER read mdzs in translation because I have hated all of them so much, so I want the first time I read it to be as smooth as I possibly can, and to get as much impact and beauty and *shakes fist* as I possibly can. so...I might put it off for a while, maybe another 6 months or so whilst I improve my reading and traditional recognition skills. we’ll see. I don’t want to dip into it in the same way, and I feel like I want to use tgcf as training wheels first. we will see!

updates soon!!! big excite!!!!!!

#meichenxi manages #chinese #tgcf #mdzs #mxtx #lmao I did not get svsss. it's fine and I liked it a lot!! #but I don't like it well enough to struggle head-first through in the same way as these two #honestly I am kind of afraid to even look at mdzs #I feel like...I will either look at it and decide I need to read it immediately #or be emotionally thrown a curveball and just run away #it feels like...hmm. how do I put this. #reading mdzs in chinese feels like such a turning point to me in a way that nothing else does #which is weird because tgcf is longer!!! and not an easy read either!!!! and I'm reading that perfectly well!!!! #but mdzs....would feel like coming full-circle. it would feel like Success. #since it was the untamed that got me into learning chinese properly in the first place #also because I have never read it in English and have deliberately waited until my Chinese was good enough #but now I feel like....it could be good enough....and I want to wait until it's better ahsfkjsa #so that I can properly smoothly read it. not going to say 'effortlessly' but...better than now #I want to be shocked and moved and saddened and given hope by it in the way cql did #and I feel like....I don't know. I don't want the chinese to impede in any way my reading experience of it #which is so stupid!!! because it obviously willl!!! It will ALWAYS be so much more difficult than english #even if I keep learning until I'm 100 #but part of me thinks. look. three years ago you couldn't read a hsk1 sentence in chinese. #if I wait for another year or two years....how much easier and how much more would I get out of it then? #anyway the whole thing is stupid. I'm reading tgcf slowly but like...we're reading every sentence here. not missing anything. #I think I'm just afraid to Finally read mdzs. it feels like the Last Thing. because then what next in that fandom? #I've given it this almost mythical status and that's my own fault but like....argggggh #if I define 'success' as 'reading mdzs' I know for a fact I COULD read it now. but I don't feel like I have achieved success? there's still #SO very much to go? #so I think the problem is that one of my goalposts has shifted. and the other one has stayed in the same place.

[mingzisdrgongxuo]

You going for piss points with your bookie again, dickhead?

How much per word? wasted on your ears, eyes, or attention to me?

You like to show off about how attentive and intrusive you are.

Trying to base your distractions and useless clanging symbol noisemaking, as if you hear or see my every word spoken.

As if i'm supposed to make friends with this disrespect for boundaries. As if you think I'm your Islamic bitch on a leash. As if I'm Phil's new fourth wife and being conditioned to the shit his previous wives were expected to submit to or tolerate from him.

Good for you, showoff, how much money did you get for making me break the silence and contempt, to tell you to eat shit and stop bothering me.

Are you a stupid livestock animal that doesn't know any better?

I think you gamble on people's mercy or forgiveness. While your behavior is openly rude and willfully disrespectful, with the intention of trying to provoke others to anger or hostility,

or for the stupid beast that doesn't know any better, (or for Chinese people looking to expand their English vocabulary,.....) has a preference, or partiality, or an attachment to the term, "pissing somebody off".

As though those other words mean or "symbolize" the same thing.

Good for you, you raped my privacy again to show me that I have your undivided attention.

Was that supposed to change the way I speak to you?

What would you do to me, how would you punish me, if I tried to get away with raping people's privacy because I wanted to be a goddamn stonethrowing hypocrite redcoat in the room?

Why are the rules any different for you?

Because it makes you numb and unfeeling. Just like you when your personality turns you into an insensitive, disrespectful, indignant, asshole as soon as you put that shit up your nose.

Did you have to cancel any plans today, so you could stay home and watch your candid-camera brother's-keeper bullshit, and fight with me over who's more dominant or superior today, any time you don't like what I decide to do or say, faggot? Any time you need to be a blockage, just to see if you can.

You going for piss points with your bookie faggot?

Was I supposed to fight back? Was I supposed to indulge your bullshit like some puppy dog and play tug of war with you over who feels what, or who has power and who doesn't?

Was it like everything else you do, faggot?

Immobilize me, or keep me fighting with you, instead of healing, keeping me in a non-productive state, not moving, not traveling, not having the freedom of movement...

Intervening based on some bullshit "holy" excuse.

For what?

Because Phil is scared of me showing up at his front door of the condo he inherited from my grandparents?

Because James Hetfield is scared of the same?

And turns to the occult to protect him from the "big bad wolf"?

Was it supposed to make me turn to occultism or sorcery or "magic"? To fight with you and defend myself?

Your reliance on magic is like an old man needs a walker. It impedes you. It's an impedement. It covers an area where you are weak. In areas where you know you cannot win on your own true merit or ability.

Was trying to bring satanism or setianism into the equation supposed to make me panic and run to the church for "salvation"?

Who does that glorify? other than NOT ME.

How much cocaine or meth did you use this morning?

You going for piss points with your bookie faggot?

Do you think that makes either of you my friend?

Since when is it my responsibility or burden to carry your cocaine, meth, or gambling addiction?

Since when is it my responsibility or burden to have my personal life, and private life with my family, our boundaries raped, because you need some goddamn idea to sell any time you need an idea or people to step on when you make a TV show or movie, exploited as your "muse" as if you think you're Steven Spielberg playing ghost writer.

You're at a dead end street.

Go find your own goddamn outlet to transfer your chi through faggot.

I'm not going to make one for you, or give you one.

Because your goddamn retarded ass refuses to change.

You expect me to do all the adapting and changing, so your comfort zone won't be "inconvenienced".

Why should I help you get rich off me, my family, or anybody else?

When was the last time you said thanks to your muse and stopped exploiting "your" meal ticket or golden goose, and opened the door to the wealth and opportunity you acquired for yourself, to show everybody who you've been ripping off for your success.

Were you ever going to stop if somebody doesn't force you to?

Because you're a man, and so "rugged" and "durable" and "strong".

And unable to adapt to survive your own bullshit.

I'm the one that got away.

The one you won't be reclaiming.

The "bounty" you hunt, that won't be delivered to anybody, for a bounty hunter's reward.

And as you die, are you still going to talk about how you never lose?

You never had me.

Positive mood destroying, happiness destroying, peace destroying, criminally motivated, arrogant, showoff,

What is your propaganda sowing now? Equality or superiority comparison contests? Racist whites? Or racist blacks?

Suck my dick, I don't care if I'm not in agreement with you. I could not care less if I never saw you again.

Live in fear, submit to terror, bullying and intimidation.....

Do you think that placing yourself in opposition to everything I choose to do and picking fights with me over your bullshit moral codes or values while denouncing the Law and U.S. Government is going to secure you a place in "Heaven", or on earth faggot?

Chastizing Nigger.