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#and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after
musical-chick-13
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2 months
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#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but
#not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about.
#that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends
#that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even
#considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF...
#like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy)
#but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car
#crash or fix me soup when I'm sick.
#like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad
#and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship
#right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go
#if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through
#the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!!
#and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after
#she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think
#anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore
#but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst
#Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that
#this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me
#WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!!
#*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today
#and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore!
#In the Vents
#GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS
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