#and also that if lia heard me saying this shit she’d say in effect why don’t you go write a poem and calm down. but part of me wants to feel | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

opheliagardinier · 6 years

Text

a bird in edgewise

Sorry, this is late! There was some drama with this. I’d sworn I had written this as we RPed but then I went back to the doc later and it had vanished. Turns out I’d accidentally started two docs with the RP and mislabeled the writing one. After a heart attack and a few days of panic, I finally found it again thank goodness.

Thank you to Bri @benjaminschreave for the RP!

word count: 3886

The sun was warm against my skin as I laid on the bench with my eyes closed and legs dangling over the edge. Even through my eyelids, I could see the light coming from up above. Normally I would have turned away but it gave me something to focus on.

When I was little my mother used to tell me never to stare straight at the sun, because if I did I might go blind. Little did I know that the majority of my life I was blind in a way. I never saw the struggle or the worry.

Around me, birds chirped away and bees buzzed by. I’d always appreciated gardens- especially the one my grandmother had back in Sonage- but somehow I felt like I’d never understood what a luxury that was.

“Lia?”

Ben.

My eyes shot open and I looked up to see Ben resting his arms on the back of the bench. He stared down at me with his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“Jam?” I whispered.

“What are you doing out here?”

Avoiding Wyatt... and you...

“I’m just enjoying the sun.” I sighed, brushing some stray hair out of my face.

He asked if he could sit, using his chin to gesture to the bench. I let out a sigh as I sat up and scooted over.

I wasn’t exactly sure what to say to him. The last few days had been spent with me worried sick over exactly this moment.

Ben seemed to hesitate for a moment before sitting down beside me on the bench.

“I... can leave if you’re more comfortable.” He glanced over at me, with his face still contorted with worry.

“You don’t have to.” I shook my head, looking over at him, then took a deep breath.

It wasn’t that I wanted him to go, I just didn’t know what to say to him. Or if Wyatt had tipped him off in any way. There was so much uncertainty.

As his lips pressed together I would have given anything to know what he was thinking. Because even if his brother hadn’t said anything to him he would have hopefully noticed my recent absence.

“Okay.” He said, looking directly at me, then paused. “Would it be insensitive of me to say you don't look alright?”

I let out a soft chuckle chalked full of the exhaustion I felt, then impulsively leaned forward and kissed him. All I wanted was one moment before I went and ruined everything. I wanted one last good thing. One moment where I maybe didn’t feel like absolute shit.

Ben gently put a hand on my arm and pulled away.

He knows.

“Lia.”

Without saying anything I scooted to the other side of the bench. Leaning forward I began to study the grass intently.

“Wyatt told you, didn’t he?” I murmured.

Ben sighed, running a hand over the top of his hair. He then nodded once.

I felt like I could cry. Wyatt had taken away an opportunity from me.

I wanted to be the one to tell you- and on my terms.

“He mentioned a thought.” Ben scooted closer and put his hand over mine. “But I think it would be best if I heard it from you.”

I took a deep breath as I tried to collect my thoughts. Wyatt hadn’t been right, but a crime had still been committed. And “justice” could still easily be doled out if Ben so wished.

He isn’t like that.

I wanted to believe myself and I knew I should… but still, that lingering fear was always there weighing on me.

“Ben,” I sighed, looking over at him. “I’ve wanted to tell you, I just never had the words and wanted to do it when I was ready.”

I realised that was the first time I hadn’t called him by the nickname I’d given him. Somehow that right felt like it had been stripped away from me.

“I understand. It doesn't have to be now if you're not ready.”

No, I need to do this now. I didn’t feel like I had an option. If Wyatt had told him anything I had to clear the whole mess up- not matter if I wasn’t ready or if I didn’t want to.

“I want to tell you.” I half lied as I curled my fingers around his. “Just know that it doesn’t change anything I’ve said to you or done. But you’re allowed to be angry or upset.”

I’d been ready the last time I’d told someone and it hadn’t turned out well. If things were going to get ugly then I’d rather it happen sooner rather than later. I didn’t want history to repeat itself.

“I can’t see myself getting like that, but alright.” Ben nodded.

I took another deep breath. I never thought the last guy would react so poorly, yet he had. So I was prepared for every possible outcome.

“Can I know what Wyatt told you?” I looked over at him.

“He mentioned things with your last boyfriend didn't end too well...and how some of the other things you mentioned made it seem like he hurt you, but-...but also knows something you did that would get you in trouble.”

I nodded as he spoke about Alex, acknowledging that he was right about that, but then shook my head at the last bit.

For the most part, I’d done very little in my life that could get me into trouble. By the time I was old enough to really cause problems, my mother had effectively put a stop to all of it.

“He’s wrong.” I took a deep breath. “About the baby I mean.”

“He said he could be wrong, but with the things he explained... it made sense even to me. He just wanted me to know in case it was true.”

I still wasn’t sure what all Wyatt had told his brother. Given that I hadn’t given him very much information I knew he must have based his assumptions off of what Lou had said to him.

“There was a baby, but I didn’t have it.”

Oh shit… that just makes it sound like...

Ben expectantly blinked at me.

“I’m the baby.” I pointed at myself and gave him a weak smile.

Ben seemed to struggle to understand what I’d meant. But that was my fault. I should have just yelled “Surprise, I’m an Eight!” or a Seven or whatever was going on with the caste system these days.

“I don’t understand.” He told me. “This has to do with your parents?”

Technically yes.

I nodded and pulled my hand back. Then without saying anything I stood and took a few steps away from the bench. I was preparing for the angry words and the insults.

This is where Alex lost it.

“So you were the baby born out of wedlock, and your boyfriend left you when he found out?”

I looked back over my shoulder at him, before facing the gardens again.

I wished Alex had left me. I wish he’d just wordlessly disappeared. But he didn’t instead choosing to say every awful thing he could think of, including his threats to turn me in.

When I was ready I took another deep breath and went back to the bench and stood in front of Ben.

“He broke off our engagement and threatened to turn me and my mother in.”

Ben looked up at me, narrowing his eyes. He seemed angry in a way, but not at me. Somehow there was still a softness to him and I relaxed a little.

“And that’s why you had to disappear for a few months?”

I knelt down in from of him.

“No.” I shook my head and put my hands on his knees. “After everything happened I went through a depressive episode and I needed to get help.”

Depression had been something I’d struggled with on and off most of my life, with episodes occurring more frequently in recent years. But as I’d gotten older I’d learned that asking for help wasn’t something to be ashamed of. Still- I struggled to openly speak about it at times.

“I... you don’t have to be embarrassed about that. If you are.” Ben put his hands over mine. “Or feel like you can’t talk about it.”

His words made my heart race a little. It felt so good to have someone say to me. Somehow it was exactly what I needed to hear. But that had always amazed me about Ben. He could never say the wrong thing.

“I’m not embarrassed,” I assured him, shaking my head. “But it’s something you should know about. Because I don’t want to hide things from you.”

“I don’t want to hide things from one another either.” Ben smiled a bit.

“I hope you know this doesn’t mean I’m going to show you me beak.” I chuckled softly, standing up again, though Ben still kept a hold of one of my hands.

“Wouldn’t dream of asking.” Ben laughed softly as he stood up and pulled me into a hug.

I leaned against him and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close. For some reason, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been hugged that way. The last real hug I’d gotten had been from my mother at my send-off when she’d desperately clung to me.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“Nothing to thank me for.” He softly placed a kiss on the top of my head.

I smiled up at him. He was wrong, but just then I’d let him be right.

“My dearest Jam would you perhaps give this technical Eight a kiss?” I batted my eyelashes at him. “She’s been having a hard time recently and it might make her feel better.”

Ben let out a laugh.

“I think something can be arranged.”

He leaned down and kissed me, with one hand moving up to cup the side of my face. I closed my eyes and ran my hand along his back. Ben’s thumb brushed along my cheek as he continued kissing me. While I tried to stand up higher on my tiptoes his other hand went to my waist to pull me closer. For a moment I paused but then reached up to place on the back of his head, feeling his soft hair as it brushed against my fingertips.

“Feeling better?” He asked when he pulled back, smiling down at me.

I nodded. Nothing like a good old kiss to make you forget some of the troubles of the world.

“Definitely.” I grinned. “It would have been a real shame if you couldn’t have helped me out because the last I checked the kitchen was all out of kisses.”

“Would be interesting if we started supplying kisses.” He mused.

I suddenly burst out laughing. It was enough to catch even myself off guard. For the past few days, I’d been so caught up in my anxiety that it was like I’d forgotten how to breathe. But this was real and felt good.

I leaned up to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, then pulled back.

“I know they say kiss the chef- but I’d rather kiss the prince any day.”

“And I might just learn to like birds because of you,” Ben told me, tilting my head up so he could tap my nose.

I savoured the touch for a moment. It was amazing to me how something so simple and familiar could comfort me so much. I’d learned to hide things away and hide within the safety of home, but this tiny risky thing suddenly didn’t seem so scary.

“What else can I get you to like because of me?” I flashed him a smile, then tapped his nose back.

“I don’t know. Lettuce is out of the question.” Ben tugged at my hand, pulling him back down onto the bench.

He drew me close to him and wrapped his arms around my shoulder. I leaned back against him, reaching one of my hands up to rest on his arm.

“I’m going to start sneaking lettuce into your food,” I told him.

“There’s nothing sneaky about lettuce. I’d find it and throw it all away.” He looked down at me.

“The lettuce doesn’t have to be sneaky because I’m sneaky enough.” I shrugged. “Usually…”

“Usually?” Ben questioned.

I sighed. Maybe Wyatt hadn’t told his brother everything. But in honour of our new promise, to tell the truth, I decided I may as well just let it out.

“Your brother had to help me into bed.”

In retrospect that could have been taken the wrong way- but Wyatt had in fact been in my bedroom and he’d had to help me like a was a toddler.

You were drinking tequila like it was water for Christ’s sake.

“Mm, he mentioned you got a little tipsy that night,” Ben smirked down at me.

“Tipsy?” I chuckled. “Jam, I forgot my shoes and had to walk across town barefoot.”

“Wyatt let you walk all the way back to the palace without shoes?” Ben raised an eyebrow.

Sweetheart, I got drunk in a club with your brother.

“Out of everything I like how that’s your biggest problem with what happened.”

“Well, as much as he complains I know Wyatt wouldn’t have done anything less than take care of you,” Ben told me. “Excluding any shoe mishaps.”

Wyatt had just been lucky I hadn’t set my mind on disappearing. If I had wanted to I could have easily slipped away into the crowd. Because losing things and disappearing was what I did best when I was drunk.

“It must be nice getting to trust someone that much.”

“Comes with being brothers, I guess. Though I’d trust my sisters the same way.”

“I wouldn’t know.” I glanced back at him. “So I have to take your word for it.”

“You have Kit though right? The best friend no one can replace.” Ben gave me a small smile.

If Kit were like a brother that was in love with me then I suppose Ben would have been right.

“Unfortunately I think I'll be seeing a lot less of him.” I sighed. “And anyway, it's different than having a sibling I think.”

“Mmhmm.” His brows knitted together. “Because of the Selection?”

Given our new honesty policy, I figured I may as well tell him. It wasn’t that I didn’t like telling people the truth- but that I was selective over who got told what. Ben, however- was probably the one person who should know.

“He’s getting married,” I explained, looking out at the garden. “But because of the whole honesty thing, I should also tell you that a few months ago he told me he loves me.”

“And now he’s engaged?”

He looked down at me in surprise- a sentiment which I shared. I’d never liked Ivy but I’d also never been too worried about her and Kit. Somehow she didn’t seem like she’d ever have the nerve to follow through, but then again they were both from well known acting families and to the outside world it seemed like a match made in heaven. But to me, it was a match made in a 78th-floor office of a PR firm in downtown Angeles.

“Yep.” I nodded. “I give it a year- two tops.”

“If that.” Ben scoffed, before musing. “Is it safe for me to assume you didn’t feel the same way?”

Safe? I wished there was a word that meant safer than- because the word didn’t feel strong enough.

“I’m deeply in love with Kit and have been dreaming of a June wedding since I met him.”

I rolled my eyes. Ick. I’d be lying if some part of me hadn’t wondered about the two of us somewhere in our teen years but it was fleeting and stupid.

“I expect an invitation. June 15th is a perfect day I’m told.”

“Invitation? You’re the maid of honour so you better be there.”

“Then I should tell you now purple really isn’t my colour.” Ben gave me a serious look.

Ben warned me that purple wasn’t his colour as a serious expression played across his face.

“Prince or not you’re wearing the same dress as the rest of the bridesmaids.” I held my finger up at him.

“Good luck with that.” He smirked.

I looked up at him with a sweet smile. Ben had yet to see me in action but I made a killing in debates. I think it came from all those years of lying about who’d eaten the cookie dough out of the fridge or broken the lamp.

“No one says no to the bride.”

“And yet here we are.” Ben raised his eye as if to challenge me.

“Why do I get the feeling you aren’t used to being told what to do?” I tilted my head.

Okay, it’s obvious- you’re a prince.

“On the contrary. I just like the debate.” He told me.

Did he now? Well, he was on if that’s what he wanted. He wouldn’t win, but I’d certainly enjoy watching him try.

“Well there's no debate here- you're wearing purple, my dearest Jam.”

I could hear a hint of a smile as he sighed.

“Only because you’re the bride.”

“You spoil me, you know that?” I lightly patted one of his arms that was wrapped around me.

With a chuckle, he told me he enjoyed it. Having perked up quite a bit I sarcastically asked him if he enjoyed spoiling me as much as he enjoyed me. I gave him a hopeful smile.

“Meh.” He flashed me a smile.

I leaned my head back against his shoulder.

“Wow, I've earned one whole "meh" from a prince of Illéa. I'll make sure to list that under special skills when I have to go for job interviews.”

I wasn’t sure it had occurred to Ben as it had to me, but after all, this was over I was in for a big adjustment. As much as I loved spending time with him I had to consider the very real and likely possibility that we wouldn’t end up together. And that meant that as a newly minted Three I’d soon be searching for jobs.

“If you’re lucky you might earn a “meh” with a shrug.” Ben joked.

“Oh? How would I earn one of those? You know- if I theoretically wanted one.” I asked, playing along.

Ben thought for a moment before telling me that it all depended on what I had to offer. “Sarcasm, humour, kisses, chocolate kisses, a rant on the socioeconomic structure of our country, tequila- the list goes on and on.”

The last bit wasn’t the least bit serious. My tequila days were over- lesson learned.

“Minus the tequila, I’ll take one of each.”

I turned my hand to look at him. He gave me one of his signature crooked smiles.

“One of each is a tall order, Jam. Where do I start?”

“Humor seems like a safe first step.”

“Mountains aren't just funny- they're hill areas.”

Ben paused for a second then let out a chuckle.

“Alright, that was decent. 6 out of 10.”

“I always aim for at least decent.” I rolled my eyes. “So what's next on the agenda? I want to earn that meh with a shrug”

We continued on to sarcasm, with me teasing him that I was never sarcastic and couldn’t manage in the most emotionless tone I could muster. Ben gave me his props in an amused tone. “Next?”

“Are the chocolate kisses actual Hershey kisses?”

“Yeah,” I told him. “Unless you think I'm planning on eating a bunch of chocolate then kissing you- which I wasn't.”

His lips pursed a little, giving me the urge to laugh.

I liked these moments with Ben. These moments of nonsense and banter were what I’d started to look forward to each day. And as bad as it sounded it was one of the first things I worried about losing after everything with Wyatt.

“Mildly disappointed.“ He gave me a small smile. “We can save that for later. The rant too. Which leaves…”

Oh, you tricky boy.

I was really looking forward to that rant.” I let out a sigh and pulled his arms off of me as I went to stand up. “I don't think anything else was left.”

I smirked back at him. Ben stood, crossing his arms as he raised a brow at me. He argued that I was mistaken. I took another step back, telling him that I didn’t think I was.

“Yes, you are.” He stepped closer, catching my hand.

“I thought we were leaving everything until later.” I looked down at his hand.

“Nope. Starts with a k ends with an s.”

“Kittens?” My face lit up at the thought.

I knew what he was getting at, but if he really wanted it he was going to have to work for it. I’d given him plenty of easy passes so far.

Noted, but no.” He squeezed my hand. “I thought you wanted my shrug and a meh.”

“Maybe I do and maybe I don't.” I teased, pulling my hand back with a smile.

I took a few more steps away from him. Ben narrowed his eyes, following me, with a playful expression.

“Lia.”

“Jam.”

I turned away and began to skip off. I heard Ben sigh before he started walking after me. It didn’t take much for him to catch up.

“What if I asked nicely?”

“What if I said no nicely?” I faced him again and flashed him a smile.

“I let out a cry of surprise as Ben took one big step towards me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Then you’ve forced my hand, Bec.” He grinned down at me.

“Nope.” I laughed, shaking my head.

I pursed my lips just as he leaned down to give me a quick peck.

“Yes.”

“That's not fair,” I argued.

I took a quick second to try and memorise the moment. I wasn’t sure how things would end between the two of us but regardless this was one of those things I just wanted to remember. I wanted to be able to recall every detail.

“Sure it is. I’m just jogging your memory.” Ben countered.

“Well, I don't think I remember so…” I shrugged. “Such a shame.”

“Then maybe I should try again.”

Without waiting for him I stood up onto my tiptoes and put a hand on the back of his neck. I pulled him down to kiss him. Ben smiled against my lips as his arms ever so slightly tightened around my waist.

I chuckled at the way he’d so easily gone with everything as I gently stroked the back of his neck. Ben slowly moved one of his hands up so that he could run it through my hair, while I pulled him closer. He drew me up a bit higher, causing me to make a noise of surprise.

Ben kept his eyes shut for a moment when he eventually pulled back. He gave me a small smile as I rested my head against his chest for a moment

“Meh.” I lifted my head to look up at him.

#ophelia gardinier #challenge four #selectionoc #benjamin schreave #ben #jam

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