#and autistic or not i did notice the shift in tone 😭 ohhhhh ill KILL MYSELF I SWEAR

[wensvol]

how do i stop reliving a moment where i said something stupid and got called out for it (rightfully so)

#what happened was i was talking with my coworkers and one of my supervisors after work and we landed on a certain hospital #my sv said he was born there and got surgery there and it’s the same hospital my dad lived at for a year #and without missing a beat i go ‘my dad died there’ and i often joke abt him dying cus he’s old and abusive and technically he DID die + #there during a heart surgery he had #but it took me too long to say Haha no he didnt #and autistic or not i did notice the shift in tone 😭 ohhhhh ill KILL MYSELF I SWEAR #but ofc. my coworker and sv dont know i hate my dad #my friend was sitting next to me and even she had to do a little check cus apparently i said it so seriously #the rest of the night was totally fine and i apologized for my comment #especially cus my sv was like. Well my dad actually passed away. so. #AND GOD I COULD JUST BURY MYSELF RIGHT THERE AND THEN #i dont even know what prompted me to say it i so often have these moments where i just say the most random things #and dont stop to consider what i’m actually saying #i dont wanna sit here and blame my adhd or some other fucking diagnosis i got because i cant go around saying ‘oh that wasnt me that was the #voices telling me to’ LIKE? #anyway #rant over #it happened like 3 days ago and i hate how i keep punishing myself for it #and truly the rest of the evening was totally fine idt my supervisor held it against me much #he knows im autistic cus i told him vaguely about it but he didn’t react to it much then #and ik he understands autism somewhat cus he graduated w a psychology degree and he has family members who are autistic afaik #AND he told me he was on antidepressants for 3 yrs to which i told him i was on meds for 16 yrs and he asked for what and i said for adhd #so he knows that too. but god. GOD. im sewing my mouth shut