#and i’m also 99% convinced i’ve got quite severe autism and the doctor basically confirmed it lol but she said that on the nhs the current

[marcvscicero]

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(just a very long rant, feel 100% free to ignore, it’s just to vent somewhere, could’ve ranted even more but apparently 30 tags is the limit whoops 🤭🤭)

#life is so bad lately i feel like i’ve tried absolutely everything and things never improve they just get worse somehow #it’s like i think things can’t get any worse and then somehow they do #and they do so even as i’m putting in so much effort to try and improve the already bad things #🧍‍♂️ i just ?? what do i do now ?? when i’ve tried everything ?? #like i’m being soooo genuinely when i say tht dying feels like the only thing left but like. i don’t even WANT to die. it just feels like #the only road left to take 🧍‍♂️ and ik that’s fucked up but honestly there is nothing left for me lol 🧍‍♂️ #and to make things worse i actually think that the few ppl i have in my life r becoming just as sick of me as i am of myself #which rly scares me bc the only reason i have to stay alive is the ppl in my life and my pets that is it #but i just can’t fake it like i used to like i used to be soooo good at hiding things #but now things have gotten so bad that i can’t hide them bc they are actively ruining my life and making me do things or not do things that #other ppl can see #so even though i tell ppl i’m fine they just don’t believe it and like yeah fairs bc it’s very obvious i’m not #it’s also incredibly embarrassing like i’m 25 this month and i live at home and all my irl friends have moved away and got big girl jobs and #are doing things with their lives so i haven’t even seen a single friend in months and months like i think the last time i saw a friend was #halloween… halloween!!!!! aka october last year!!!!! #and i only work one day a week bc i left my old proper job bc i thought i was going to kill myself and kept taking more and more time off #so i’m very poor and i’m very much in debt and i can’t pay it off bc i spend so much money self medicating bc i’m convinced there’s somethin #seriously seriously wrong with my body and i’m always in pain or extreme nausea but the doctors have ignored me so many times and just shut #me down or made me feel stupid or said everything looks fine when i know it isn’t #and i’m also 99% convinced i’ve got quite severe autism and the doctor basically confirmed it lol but she said that on the nhs the current #waiting list is about 4-5 years so i may as well turn to the internet and do research myself since even if u get an official diagnosis #there’s no meds or real cure for it other than learning how to cope #except im also convinced that with the autism i have a lot of strong adhd traits so like. i know it’s bad but i buy adhd meds online and i #don’t even abuse them i take them to literally help me like they’re meant to but bc it’s obvs not allowed it’s so expensive #and i already have no fuckingn money so every single month is hell bc i’m either rationing them to make them last longer #OR i’m taking them but with the knowledge that it means i’ll run out sooner and have more days with NONE #and every day is just full of immense guilt too for doing this bc it’s not technically allowed and i should be doing better things with what #i do pay my mum some money each month towards housekeeping/bills/etc but it isn’t much at all and i know she deserves more #also i either sleep 0 hours a night or 20 there’s no balance and it’s fucking ridiculous i’ve tried EVERYTHING to no avail #i