#and there's this conversation I had where I told Prettyboy about a coworker whose version of polyamory is

[akchually]

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#so there's this girl #and there's this conversation I had where I told Prettyboy about a coworker whose version of polyamory is #'she says she needs me back in Washington but I don't have a job there. I keep telling her to get another boyfriend while I'm out of town #just make sure he's not around when I visit so I don't have to fight anybody' #That tickled me. And the conversation ended with me getting like a third of a hall pass. I gotta call if anything happens. #Call so Prettyboy feels like he's part of my romantic life even when the romance isn't him #Which is the opposite track of the one I was giggling about okay yeah #But like my best friend here is. Super pretty. Ridiculously pretty. #And kind and works hard and takes care of the people she loves. She's always finding ways to help me. #And she's vegan and loves my cooking and that's my love language okay #I wanna make sure she eats I wanna see what happens if she's given full reigns on dominance I want I yearn #And we talk for hours about nothing but it's been weeks since I've been like one third available and I dunno how to tell her #Or if I should or if I'd be just another person in her life who wants her for what she can do for them #I think my intentions are good but it's lonely. The long distance and the seasonal work and the isolated town up in the mountains. #And maybe I just want to be held. #I know she's grey ace and a lot of the romantic relationships she's had in the past were very manipulative and not what she really wanted #Maybe that's what's pulling me in so hard like am I just insecure and want to prove myself yet again #I've always been drawn to flaky people #I wanna be the one person they show up for #This is the thing that I actually need to process in therapy and can't just lsd the anxiety away #Though that worked for most things #Take hallucinagens. Once. #I'm such a hugger but only worked up the courage to hug her a few days ago. #We've been talking (lowercase t) for months. #And I know she has her own long distance unicorn relationship back in Kentucky. I'm hoping the subject will just surface again. #And then I can say hey #I think you're really pretty