#anyways sorry for being weird and formal. im avoiding homework

[lateassignment]

you know. its like. im sorry for the things ive done and said and thought in this life. i dont understand how it is not obvious that im sorry. I dont understand who i am supposed to apologize to. The tell tale heart seems to be beating, yet i have told the tale and it still beats.

I don't understand why people seem to think that what i go through is nothing. I understand that it is not everything. but its not nothing. and i do my best, i have always done my best not to think of what other people have gone through as nothing. and i have done my best to reflect and i have done my best to learn and stay positive and i am sorry.

I don't understand what is going on and i am trying to find a solution that fits but nothing ever does. there are broken pieces everywhere and i am tired of walking around them. i am trying to clean them up

Im trying and im sorry? but sometimes i dont even know what im sorry for. sometimes i do. but sometimes its like the world expects an apology for an action that exists out side of my own meta. like i must apologize for shooting some sixth dimensional being in the heart when i woke up.

im sorry for it all. it feels like what the world wants if for me to kill my self. or someone else. it feels like all anyone ever wants is blood. I mever wanted to be like that.

I spent my whole like hoping that what i knew about the world was false. that the evil acts people committed were from pain and pain alone. I wanted it to be true so badly. And its so silly. I know. I just wanted the people that said they loved me to be telling the truth.

I wanted love to be something that is given with clarity and choice. I wanted there to be a reason behind all this. Some great experiment, or maybe no reason at all. just silly animals just stumbling around hoping to find shelter and comfort.

It is childish to think that. But I never believed in purity, i never believed in a villain. I believed i corrupt systems, i believed in hurt people, i believed that redemption was the natural path.

and it's silly. i know, and i knew that there are people who crave power. i guess i blamed it all on ignorance, on people closing theyre senses to pain because they did not want to be the cause of it. because growing hurts.

and i still believe in all of those things. I think. Im not even sure what has changed. I believe, and always have in small evils. I have believed and always have believed in the strange complexity. I have tried again and again to let go of good vs evil. of one vs the other. its just us and often times we disagree

but you can not win a war that you refuse to fight, and you can not survive it either.

and i have never believed in monsters. i am always digging some grave for the next person i must bury. because i cant stand the idea that they wont be able to rise from the dead.

and it gets better as you get older. they always say that. but it has just been getting worse.

I am crazy and I am crying and I am wishing that the foundations of the world were not cracked.

Sometimes I wish i knew how to go in and fix it all. Sometimes i think that to fix it the whole thing must be torn down. Sometimes I thing the foundation is rotting anyways, and it will fall in its own with me inside. and sometimes i think that the only reason anyone cares is the crack has let in the smell of decay

#and so the blood hits the ground now dont you feel better? #they will write about you in history books. they will say the blood of the evil was spilled and washed away #they will say you were good because you waited because you took your time they will say you had mercy like no other #and then they will spill the next evil blood and they will think of you and wash it away #then you will be written about in history books #and you will be written about in legend #and the blood will still disolved into the water they all drink #but isnt it funny? that to kill one is objectly less pain then to kill more? itsnt it funny that something so unquantifiable can be compared #and it can be. it is not an opinion though we try to make it so #and isnt that funny? doesnt that make you laugh? that evil exists? yet also doesnt? #anyways sorry for being weird and formal. im avoiding homework