#bc saying 'i hate myself' is a surefire way to get me put in therapy and i CAN'T DO IT

[introvert-celeste]

.

#me #vent #it's a good thing I'm squeamish and don't deal well with pain #bc I'd be self harming right now #considered choking myself a little but I couldn't do it #i don't know what I want #i don't know what to do #i don't really want to do anything but doing nothing hurts #and I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts #but I don't think I can ask my brother to do something with me without bursting into tears #he's been waiting to watch last night's episodes of infinity train with me and my mood has just gotten worse #i don't even wanna leave my room bc I've been crying and I don't want my family to ask what's wrong #only for me to reply with 'i don't know' again #bc saying 'i hate myself' is a surefire way to get me put in therapy and i CAN'T DO IT #they would become just another person I have to perform for #and every time they react in a way I perceive as negative I'll feel like I failed and it'll just get worse #i know if this keeps getting worse I'll have to see a specialist and get a proper diagnosis and medication #but I just can't do it now