#bring the food to his mouth that way maybe his motor skills with forks is harder than it was for him to write. He really liked writing may | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lamalefix · 4 years

Text

A whisper of smoke 4/5

[Buddie fic; Heavy Angst; Angst with a Happy Ending; Hurt/Comfort; Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Established Relationship; Major Character Injury; Blood and Injury; Eddie’s POV; I don’t know how to English; I Don’t Even Know how to tag; I don’t even know why; Author.exe has stopped working]

read ch1; ch2; ch3

[read this work on ao3]

Those first moments are unreal, like a dream, and Eddie doesn’t even know how he feels.

Buck stays awake for a while, he also seems attentive to what they tell him. But then he closes his eyes and goes back and forth between consciousness and unconsciousness. He can’t open his eyes spontaneously, not yet, but when someone calls him, or just talks to him he slowly opens his eyes.

Christopher talks to him quietly, he tells him about the school projects in which Eddie tried to help but is not good with glue, with papier-mâché, with brushes, and Buck flashes a crooked smile at Eddie. Christopher talks about the books he read, asking from time to time if his Bucky remembers them. Buck makes himself understood, with his eyes, with gestures, in that soundless way says he remembers. And maybe he says it to make Christopher happy, and the boy’s eyes shine so bright now. And Eddie didn’t even remember how bright they could be.

Maddie keeps her head down all the time, grips her brother’s hand so gently, yet after looking at him at the beginning, she has lowered her eyes and pointed them elsewhere, on that thin wrist, on the arms that are now so skinny, pale. She doesn’t look him in the face even when every now and then Evan seeks her gaze, and he frowns, but does nothing to push her, he just holds her hand, loosely and dearly at the same time.

And then he closes his eyes and his breathing becomes slow and regular and in a matter of moments sleep has the upper hand.

This is the moment when Maddie leaves under the pretext of warning the others, of leaving another moment for Eddie and Christopher with him, with Evan sleeping.

Eddie can’t give a name to what he feels, seeing his son fall asleep near Buck who, although his movements are all uncoordinated and not very fluid, holds Christopher protectively against himself, even while he sleeps. He can’t say how far his happiness goes, now that when he reaches out to caress his hair, Evan moves to find his contact better, his touch, a half smile curving his lips. He has always done this, since they first slept together, he has always looked for him. Even when Eddie goes to bed later, even when Evan is sound asleep, he moves a part of himself, whichever limb it is, to get closer to Eddie’s body. And it’s a bit like coming home, more or less, it’s like going back to their little bubble.

When Maddie comes back in, Eddie already knows that she has spoken to others, and that he will have to warn his family too. Abuela and Pepa, and then his parents, his sisters.

His parents have been very present from the first moment, from that night, from the fire, and have even come to see him a couple of times in these past months, to fill his pantry and prepare dinner for a while, for him and Christopher. His father has always been unhappy with that situation, with the fact that Eddie allowed Christopher to come and visit in hospital with Buck, with Buck who, probably, as far as they knew, would never wake up. They quarrelled, as they usually do, ended up talking about life choices, moral judgments, and Eddie, fuming with anger, decided to postpone. He had other priorities, back then. But now, now Evan is awake, and Christopher is happy, and they can stop worrying.

They don’t talk, he and Maddie, it’s not the time to talk. But Eddie knows that expression that Maddie is wearing, he also had it on for a long time, in quite other circumstances. It’s the expression of those who have stopped fighting, of those who have knowingly decided to throw in the towel. It’s guilt, it’s pain, it’s remorse, and Eddie doesn’t really have time for it now. Because going to unpack what she feels, right now, will deprive them of everything they have just found. They will find the way and the time to face this speech, but certainly the day isn’t today.

And then they sit there watching him sleep. A sleep in which he moves, to get closer to Christopher, or to seek more warmth of Eddie’s hand, that continues to gently caress his hair. And every now and then he mumbles, something incomprehensible since he has no voice, and his lips curl in his sleep. He is alive, and although the climb will be steep, the road long, they will be fine in some way. All of them.

When Maddie finally decides to leave, she brings Christopher with her, between tiny tired protests, but in the end Chris hugged Evan in a small soft embrace, and he caressed his face with both of his tiny hands, and made him smile. Evan greeted Maddie slowly, then, with a strange gesture of his hand, before turning his gaze on Eddie.

And Eddie looks at him, always looks at him, as he always did even when they were at work and not together yet, even when the idea of waking up with him in the morning was only a hidden dream. And he looks at him, and he understands it immediately, as soon as he moves the tips of his fingers on his lips that they hurt, because he wrinkles his nose and frowns.

No need to talk, Eddie reaches out to the jug they brought, he doesn’t even know when, but there are still small ice cubes and with the help of the spoon he takes one in his hand and passes it to his lips, slowly. And Buck snorts, and looks at him, with wide eyes, and does nothing to withdraw from that tiny relief. Eddie retrieves the famous spoon and fills it with water and brings it to his mouth, helping himself to pull his head up and he drinks slowly from that spoon. He doesn’t even hear what voice he incites him to, what voice he speaks to, but he sees Evan smile then, with that little smile of his as his eyes close again.

Thus, the first days of his awakening have been indecipherable.

Eddie has something unspeakable in his heart. He isn’t happy, he’s not happy every time Evan opens his eyes and looks at him, and curls his lips slowly in these goofy and weak smiles. He is not happy when he gets lost in his eyes, and he hardly breathes when he seems to speak to him with those tired looks, with his muffled sounds. He is not happy, it’s something that goes far beyond, something that easily exceeds his imagination, something that he would never have expected to live. His stomach is always contracted, in a tight grip every time he opens his eyes, his throat remains closed for a second, and his head empties completely, all together. And suddenly there is nothing else around them, there is nothing else that matters, there are only those eyes and that weak crooked smile.

And although it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter the magnitude of what could or could not remain on Evan, how serious any accessory symptoms are, the results of these months and months of slow agony, because now they have time to heal together, they have time and a future, but there is still something. There is Evan who is weak, Evan who doesn’t speak, who gets tired easily, who always seems a little confused when he opens his eyes.

But even if he is weak and tired, he fights, he just needs to ask him to wake up and Evan opens his eyes.

And in the first few days the best he can do is open his eyes and move his limbs slowly, only if stimulated, only if pushed to do so. The arm, the right, moves better than the left and with that manages to hold Eddie that minute longer, to wrinkle his shirt to pull him closer, or at least to convince him to get closer.

For Eddie it’s enough, though. There is time for Evan to get back on his feet, and chatter as before, they have time. He is back, he got back to him, and nothing else has more value.

Everything is silent, in those first days, the improvements are tiny, yet somehow still huge. Evan manages to stay awake a little more, manages to stay with his back raised in a sort of sitting position, his neck supports the head without difficulty, but his movements are still not that fluid and he can’t speak. He seems gradually more alert, however, he seems to listen and understand and looks interested in what is said to him.

The pharyngeal reflex is his latest goal, he can now slowly drink from a drinking straw, and can chew on some ice. They’ll have to wait for solid foods especially because he made it clear in his own way that he doesn’t want help but cannot bring a spoon or fork to his mouth. He manages to hold them in his hand, in this grasp even strong enough, but directing the movement up to the face, up to his mouth, is extremely complex. It is a matter of coordination, of fine and gross motor skills that work together. But they tried to make him eat, something not so solid, but the effects were catastrophic. Eddie was there while the nurses tried to get him to eat. And he ate, took these two or three teaspoons of broth or mashed potatoes, but it took so little for him to throw up everything.

So the doctors decided to give him more time, to continue with parenteral nutrition, and not to risk further. And they have the time. They have all the time, Evan has time now and it’s not worth rushing.

They have time.

Eddie has never left for more than a few minutes, in those first very delicate days. There is something that makes him smile like a child, and he smiles and sometimes he doesn’t realize, or he doesn’t want to realize, that he has tears burning in his eyes, because it is atrocious to see him like this, defenceless, weak, so different from what he was. But he is alive, and there is nothing that could make Eddie happier. He is happy, he is desperate, and a strange sensation of completeness, of full power, has gradually settled in his heart. He is alive, Evan, and even Eddie now feels alive, he has hope, this hope which is no longer miserable, but strong and feeds on this possibility now more than ever palpable of happiness, of future. Time, they have time. Buck no longer has a muscle, but he fought like a lion, against death, against any fear that could have paralyzed him. He still fights.

And when Eddie speaks to him, slowly, quietly, every time he opens his eyes and looks at him and smiles at him with his weak yet blinding smile, which is so unmistakably his, he has this unsustainable emotion that burns in his heart. It is happiness mixed with despair, it is victory and pain, it is satisfaction that gradually takes the place of fear, of loss.

Every time Evan opens his eyes, all the people in the room disappear, probably even the walls disappear when Evan looks at him, and Eddie never goes away, never more than a few minutes because Evan is there waiting for him and lights up every time he sees him. And if only Eddie has looked at him like this once, only once, he can be satisfied.

Ever since the first day, they began to give him a rather intensive rehabilitation program. Starting with a very rigorous physical therapy. The process is always the same: they start from the hands and then move to the arms and shoulders and go down to the legs. His legs hurt a lot, he usually grits his teeth, he doesn’t complain, but when they get to his bad leg, small whimpering sounds come out of his throat.

Eddie would go there every time to drive away that therapist, who perhaps exaggerates, who perhaps should stop. But when she starts with core exercises, and moves Evan knees from one side to the other, and helps him to rotate his hips so that his knees push first to the right and then to the left, Evan makes a lot of resistance, and the therapist smiles and she incites him, and immediately moves on to manipulate him again, and again. She blocks his pelvis, and uses one hand to help him extend his leg as far as possible to one side, she tells him to breathe, and when he exhales, she takes his leg back in its place.

His flexibility has improved real fast. From the bridging exercises of the legs, which fortifies the muscles of the legs, even if he lets these small suffocated moans escape, he got to even harder, more difficult exercises.

The primary reflexes of his hands have remained intact, and therefore although not very fluid, his fine motor skills improve rapidly. His practitioners let him tighten this anti-stress ball with his hands, make him move it from one hand to the other, make him extend his arms, the right arm moves easily, but the left arm hurts and has a lot of troubles even in the gross movements. But he holds forks and spoons in his hand, he also manages to hold pens between his fingers, and he gets better and better with each passing day. He began to make marks on the papers and Christopher teases him and laughs, because clearly now he is the better writer out of them.

Eddie is sometimes forced to look away, though. Especially when, after the first days of therapy in bed, they tried to get him up and he, he was not ready. And Evan growls, soundless, every time, and seems to swear, even if the therapist and nurses try to reassure him. It takes time, it takes time.

Time they now have, time to heal.

And when they leave him, to let him start his speech therapy session, he is breathless on the bed. His eyes flushed with fatigue and anger, and pain, but then Eddie enters his field of vision and he wrinkles his nose and stretches a smile.

And Eddie does everything to not seem troubled, to stay in control, to give him support, even in silence because he is not good with words, not enough, at least. But when he finds the words, he tells him that he is good, so good, and makes him smile more. And all he doesn’t say is a silent thanks to him and his strength, to his unwavering desire to fight.

The days immediately following Buck’s awakening are surreal. Because Eddie has a constant need to touch him, to look at him and feeling his eyes on him.

Eddie may say he knows that hospital like his pockets now, and yet it’s all so absurd now, now that he no longer feels empty when he sees Evan on the bed, now that everything seems to have acquired a colour that Eddie can’t understand or name, there is a new warmth, there is a new light, now that Buck raises his arms towards him to invite him into an embrace with the whole body even if his grip is so weak and yet so his.

Now that doctors have planned and approved his neurorehabilitation treatment, Buck has started receiving visits from the rest of their family. Their colleagues waited patiently after Maddie gave them news, and they booked their visits first. And Eddie was there, more to make sure Evan didn’t get too tired, than anything else, and reasonably he could have better spent that time sleeping, since they are all so attentive to Evan’s health. Their visits are short, Bobby has been there four minutes flat, while Hen has stayed longer. Chim is part of the family, so he is as present as possible. Even abuela was there shortly, just enough to refresh Evan on the latest developments of her favourite soap, making him giggle voiceless and making him do a kaleidoscope of surprised expressions and sounds with his lips. After the visits he usually falls asleep, he manages to stay awake until everyone leaves and one between Eddie or Maddie sits near his bed.

Because Evan, who was a volcano of energies, gets tired very, very quickly, the continuous coming and going of the various doctors including trainees and experts, cardiologists, pulmonologists and cardiothoracic surgeons, otolaryngologists and speech therapists, neurosurgeons and neurologists, physiotherapists and orthopaedists, and all appropriate therapies, they tire him so much but he never stops working, he never gives up. No matter how much he groans with his half aphonia, he never stops gritting his teeth and tries, tries, tries. No matter how much it hurts, he fights, he never stops.

After the first delicate stages, the first surreal days, Eddie had to go back to work.

He, who never left Evan, was practically kicked out of the room by Maddie. She too, after the first few days, decided to swallow the guilt and commit herself to her brother and decided to take the situation in hand: sending Eddie home to sleep, to spend some time with his son, before leaving him at school and going back to work for the first time. Rationally Maddie is right, Evan will need him later, when he will get out of the hospital and he can’t use all his time off he has now in these early stages: his support will be crucial soon after, as soon as he’s discharged and returns home. And perhaps it wasn’t really Maddie who chased him away, but Evan, who was starting to look at him all worried, about his continued presence in the hospital, as if he wanted to make sure that Eddie returned to normal.

And Eddie was reluctant at first. But after the first few days, and after the first small improvements, there have now been great achievements. Buck now sits alone, and also manages to move (maybe even too much, to be honest), not that he is particularly fast or agile, with the walker, he makes some small, tiny steps and then has to stop, but he is more coordinated.

So, Eddie also had to take a step, a small step towards normalcy.

Hence, there has been a first night at his house since Evan woke up. And he slept, not so much because anyway, even after six and a half months, he is still not used to sleeping alone, and the adrenaline of knowing that he is alive and awake is still drumming under his skin, but it was a peaceful sleep, no nightmare, no overwhelming sense of absence upon awakening.

The first thing he did, even before he got out of bed was to ask Maddie how he spent the night, and she replied with an emoji and a photo of him with his hair all tangled and his not particularly awake, but definitely grumpy face.

And it has become their new routine. Every time Maddie doesn’t have a night shift, or an early one in the morning, she stays with her brother in the hospital and Eddie goes home. And in the morning he prepares breakfast for Christopher, while he will eat with his colleagues in the station, and on the way to school they sing Disney’s songs and talk about what Christopher will do when he goes to visit him, what book he will read to him and what they are going to do at school.

It’s also going back to normal that slightly longer hug, in front of the school, with his son protesting that he’ll get late and Eddie holding him stronger with the excuse of bringing the hug to Buck too.

They have already organized their next trip to the science museum, for when Evan will be back home, and Christopher has prepared an in-depth summary of that strange and melancholic soap that abuela always watches.

They are trivial things, even the breakfast with the team, and the strange jokes of the substitute, but it’s perfect. He’s coming home.

When he arrives at the station now, he doesn’t feel the urge to run away from the big din that welcomes him, but he goes to meet it. In the locker room he hurries and climbs the stairs to the loft three by three. The breakfasts or lunches with his colleagues are always very weird, because there is no Buck there, but it is easier, now, now that he knows that when he’ll arrive at the hospital he will just have to ask him to wake up and he will look at him.

And they will no longer be words in the wind.

It is slowly returning to a, still a little weird, still a little different, everyday life. The habits he had before, when Buck spent the night with him, or when they were at work together are still not in place, but they will also get to that point.

One thing he did not expect, are the constant calls from his parents, he hoped they would decrease over time and instead now that Buck is awake and he is back to work, they have a daily cadence that Eddie begins to find indigestible.

His parents have always been quite invasive in his parenting and non-parenting life, especially on his work choices and his love life.

Ramon didn’t like his choices, or better what in fact wasn’t even a choice, falling in love with someone is never a choice, but deciding to commit body and soul to be with that person is. And when he introduced Buck as his partner and no longer as his colleague, Ramon had been unfriendly, to put it mildly.

But then he saw it, Buck with Christopher, the way they both looked at each other as if one had hung the moon and the other the stars and had softened a little (maybe his mother helped too, with all her elbowing and kicking under the table).

But gradually, with the accident, and the coma, and the hospital, and this terrible, terrible agony that was making him lose sleep, and Eddie who spent little time at home and took Christopher to the hospital, Ramon had returned to be his usual nosy self and to make judgments, some very difficult to swallow and digest.

In the first days after Evan’s awakening, however, Ramon had said he was extremely happy for his son, for them, especially for Christopher, because it was a miracle, in some ways it was a miracle.

But then, all those huge improvements for his father, however, are not enough and he decreed that Eddie can no longer divide his life between the station and the hospital, “Now the boy is awake,” he said on the phone, “Now the boy he is awake, and you have to think about yourself and your son, remember that you have no obligations towards him”.

And Eddie was about to burst, when he heard that, he felt the blood boil in his veins, but he didn’t say a thing, because he could hear his mother’s voice scolding his father. He decided to postpone, having very different priorities.

Evan and Christopher are his priority.

After that, suddenly the calls became sparse. And Eddie hoped, ardently, that his parents had stopped snooping.

Instead, it is when he has a free morning and he is waiting in the hospital cafeteria for Buck to finish his speech therapy, to spend some time with him, that his phone rings with a message and he chokes on his coffee. “Your mom and I are coming on Friday, next week, to help”.

And he would like to appeal, he would like to refuse and he is about to call his sisters to ask for an intercession, but his parents’ decisions are unquestionable, even though he absolutely doesn’t feel the need to see them, to let them intrude in his life.

Here, in this new normal, in this new routine that they have built, everyone is trying to help out.

There are abuela and Pepa, who continue to go to the hospital regularly: as before, with the only big difference that now, they don’t have to hope that he will wake up, because he is awake, maybe a little annoyed and aching from physiotherapy, but he’s awake.

Then there are the colleagues and their families, and this is perhaps the reason why Eddie did not feel the need to have the help of his.

There’s Chim who is among those who spend more time in the hospital, sometimes giving Maddie a bit time off. He has never gone into the merits of the situation, about the decisions she wanted to make and the way she is practically avoiding her brother, even when she sits there, even if she is always there. He just spends his time telling Buck, now that he is awake and that he is sure he understands, the plots of his favourite films, because now he can’t escape and it is time to finally have a bit of knowledge and not to be so illiterate about pop culture.

Or often when the shift ends, it is Hen who precedes Eddie in the little room, tells him about Nia and Denny, and reads some medical articles she is studying, or repeats what she has just learnt for her next exam. Not to mention Karen telling him about the new space discoveries that this or that satellite made while he slept, that he probably heard these things while he was in a coma, but it is right that he remains updated now with more elements.

Only Bobby has been there few, few times. Unlike Athena who visits him practically on a day basis, as soon as she leaves work or before going, and promises him lunches, barbecues, promises him trips and camping as soon as he gets back on his feet, as soon as he gets out of there. Or Michael who tells him about May and college, and shows him photos of his new projects, that now that the cancer is a memory he is full of life, and with a fine hot doctor with him. But Bobby, Bobby is acting as if he is avoiding Buck. And maybe Eddie has to take this situation in hand, a bit.

But apart from that, in their newfound normalcy, if normalcy can be called spending half the day in the hospital to keep him company, and having to leave him there before returning home or going to work, there is no room for his parents.

He decides again to postpone, and to reach Evan and ask him for one of his hugs, which even if they are all a little goofy and weak now, are his.

And when Eddie finally enters the room, slumped shoulders and lips pursed like he’d been chewing a lemon, Evan spreads his arms wide.

“Eddie!” he says, his voice croaky and throaty, thick with tiredness.

And Eddie could swear his brain is short-circuiting now. It feels like he spent his whole life searching desperately for that voice. There’s surely a word for describing what he feels now, this far-beyond-happiness-thing that overwhelms his heart, but Eddie’s lost all his words, he’s lost all his abilities to function for a second, and somehow he hoped that this would stop at some point, but here he is. His legs trembling and his stomach contracted and his breath scratching the back of his throat.

“Hey? Eddie?” Buck repeats grinning, his voice getting feeble and raw. “You good?”.

“You talked! You finally talked! You took your sweet time doing it!” he says, or maybe yells?

He definitely yells, because Buck is wheezing with laughs, and he’s out of breath when Eddie finally reaches the bed in two long-legged strides, his father’s message long forgotten.

Buck opens his arms, lips curled in a soft grin and Eddie bends down and kisses him. And it’s such a soft fleeting kiss that turns to be so hungry and desperate, that Eddie’s whole body curves into Buck’s. And Eddie doesn’t even notice how much his lips are trembling now, with that smile curving them.

Buck breaks the kiss first, taking a shaky breath and looking at him with soft eyes. “You good?” he says, staying so close that he his murmuring in Eddie’s mouth.

He groans, shaking his head. “Kiss me better” he says, in a hoarse whisper.

“Needy,” Evan says, moving his hands down on the small of Eddie’s back, his fingertips pressing under his shirt, drawing gentle circles against the bare skin.

And Eddie just starts to melt in his arms, forgetting everything else.

It is a string of high fevers, and sudden flat calm. In the following week, Eddie has almost no time to think about his parents. Doctors say it’s fatigue, that Buck gets very tired with all the therapies, and it doesn’t depend on him or on them, it’s simply an endogenous reaction.

There are no traces of infections, it is only a sudden fever, that comes at the end of the day and disappears by the next morning. And even if they have moved him to the ward now, and he is no longer in SICU, they keep him under strict scrutiny.

And Eddie who is already worried and with the advent of that fateful Friday, which perhaps arrives too quickly for his taste, he’s become increasingly tense.

This is not the right time to have his parents around the house, especially not to have his father who will snoop around and have his say, even on a simple fever. Eddie can swear he can already hear his voice, echoing in his ears.

Knowing that they are ready to go poking into his life, sentimental, professional, parental, in every sense of life, but above all in every sense his, irritates him a lot. But he will try not to take this bad mood to work or even in his house, he will leave it in his bedroom, because Chris is looking forward to hugging his grandparents, and wants to let himself be infected by his good mood.

Today he will certainly not be able to pick them up, or rather, he could have done so, but he has made sure not to ask for a shift change or a free day in time. So he has a deal with Pepa that concerns a dinner for her and tìo, at that fancy restaurant they like. But tìa will keep them away for at least today, then he is free the next morning so he’ll take them to visit Evan in the hospital and he’ll then leave Chris in their care, he planned a theme park on Saturday, so they’ll stay away even more. He doesn’t know yet how long they will stay, but even three days are too many, for his taste.

But he can’t complain too much, it’s their way of loving him, as Buck says. He only hopes that today is a good day, at least.

The shift is easy enough, when already at the first call, even before breakfast, they save an elderly man who was stuck in the house during a gas leak just in time. Where just in time isn’t a figure of speech, but quite literally: as soon as they manage to pull the old man away, at the right distance, the house bursts, like a firework, like a powder keg. Certainly, that poor gramps lost all the memories of a life, the only thing safe is an photo album. But at least he is alive, and smiling, and he also saved his denture!

This is one of those days when Buck’s impossible good mood would pump them further with energy. But it’s not a bad day, everything seems to go smoothly.

At midmorning, when he hurries up to the kitchen to eat something, he can’t hold back a laugh when he sees Chim who is eating jam directly from the jar, while Cap is busy at the stove.

Hen is noisily playing the pinball machine with three or four guys from the second team cheering her on.

This is his place, this is what goes through his head, in an instant. He feels in the right place, even though Buck isn’t there yet. But they are also rapidly reaching that point, the improvements are increasingly evident, and the doctors are already talking about discharge.

“Hey!” mutters Chim, mouth kneaded with jam, as he finishes licking the spoon and then his fingers. “Maddie said she’ll call you as soon as the tour is over: the fever has gone down...”.

Eddie nods and bends his head to the side, trying to paint a stern expression on his face and ignore the concern for the tiredness that afflicts Buck and increasingly withdraws his discharge from the hospital. “Christopher eats jam more politely than you...”.

“Umpf! It’s finished! Bobby gave me permission!” he grumbles with a shrug, his face looks all sticky.

Hen approaches victoriously, babbling something about her victory, her record or whatever it is, and bangs a loud pat on his shoulder and chuckles. “So Eddie, ready for your folks to arrive?”.

“Yeah, come on...” Chim comments, while vigorously soaping his hands at the sink, now and rinsing his face and cheeks. “All considered, you have a good relationship with yours”.

“Let’s say it’s a great long-distance relationship, based on a non-aggression pact... you know they snoop and my father always has something to say. But… Chris is happy, he at least” he mutters and approaches Bobby, the two of them still have to talk, clear things up and maybe this is the right time, today is a good day, despite the imminent arrival of his parents. “Do you need any help?” he then says, gesturing at the sizzling pan, just out of courtesy, not out of actual desire to do so. Last time he helped, Chim was ready with the first aid kit and Hen was holding the fire extinguisher. They ordered Chinese, afterwards.

“I really would say no, thank you for asking” says Hen. "We want to eat, do not chew the unburnt parts of a toast. Luckily there are Carla and your grandmother who take care of making Christopher’s meals...”.

“I only burnt the toast once! Once!” he replies. “I just needed to understand how the toaster worked!”.

“Once to many” she singsongs, shaking her head. “I suggest banning you from cooking”.

“Hey!” he whines with an overdramatic sigh.

“I really have to remind you that time Bobby was called urgently by the commander and left you in charge in the kitchen for, what was that? Five minutes? Just because we were still returning from the hospital...” Chim mutters, retrieving the dishes from the cupboard and starting to arrange the table.

“There was smoke everywhere...” adds Hen nodding vigorously. “I swear dispatch would have given us a support unit if we didn’t act as fast…”.

“Oh, come on...” he mutters, pretending to be offended.

Bobby looks at him, a mischievious and paternal grin. “Yes Eddie, you’re banned from all the cooking, it’s a matter of our well-being”.

“Hey!!” he pouts playfully.

“You and I cant talk later,” adds Bobby.

Breakfast goes smoothly and fast, they are starting to clear the table when the alarm rings and they hurry down the stairs.

They don’t have time to talk, not now, but they will. The two of them have to clear up. And he needs to plan how to act next, when Buck leaves the hospital and Eddie will need all the help he can get. Help he already knows he won’t even have to ask openly. They are their family, even if for a long time he pretended to forget about it.

It’s a scene like many others, they have seen dozens like this one, but it always makes them laugh.

The lover who, in order to escape, from the cheated husband gets stuck on the ledge of the building. Usually these are calls that arrive at night, or at first light in the morning, and usually the lovers are always half naked and attract attention. At first, the passer-by who called 911 must have thought it was a suicide attempt, but then he must have understood: one who covers his nakedness with his hands is certainly not there to kill himself, especially not there on the second floor of a building. He only risks getting hopelessly hurt, but not killed.

The lucky one with the shortest straw is Chim, who climbs the stairs to get to the second floor of this fine apartment building, in a fancy neighbourhood. The guy, the lover, is thinking more about avoiding being kicked by the cheated husband and covering his balls rather than being so careful where to put his feet, but Chim is quick on the ladder and grabs him before he finds himself ass in the jump cushion, that is still inflating.

“I will never tire of this kind of bailouts,” Hen comments grinning behind him. “People manage to be really stupid when the blood doesn’t flow to the brain, but to their second brain down there... umpf, men”.

Eddie chuckles. “At least I have something fun to tell Buck when I go to visit him today”.

“How is he doing?” asks Bobby.

“Better,” he says, he always says he’s getting better. But it’s increasingly true, now there are all those improvements. Now that he speaks, now that he can take a few steps with the walker, he is better, really better. He also seems more serene, even if he is all tired and battered.

And Bobby and Hen look at him as if they want to know more.

“You have seen him too, he’s getting better. He’s getting much better.” Eddie starts again. "He gets better every day: he sleeps better at night, especially now that they have removed the catheter and have moved him to the new ward, he is always a little cranky in the morning, and these high fevers exhaust him a lot... but...” he adds with a shrug. “He’s better, PT still hurts a lot, there are movements he just can’t stand, but he keeps trying and trying again, you know, don’t you?” he says, a soft fond smile curling his lips.

And they nod.

“He has started to eat something, things that are not too solid, his movements improve but... you know, he insists on eating alone, without help, so he spills all his food on his hospital gown” Eddie explains, and smiles even more. “Maybe is a tactic… Chris says, because the hospital gown looks stupid”.

Hen snickers. “Now that he speaks, it will be a constant lament”.

“Can you blame him?” Bobby replies, a brow furrowed. “With all the therapies and tests...”.

Eddie shakes his head. “No. He doesn’t complain. He is stubborn, he doesn’t give up, but he doesn’t complain... even when it hurts, he doesn’t complain.” he remarks, a fond tone in his voice.

“He’s a fighter,” Bobby replies and then looks at him, forehead puckered. “Look, Eddie...”.

“I think I overdid it the other day,” he mutters, scratching behind his neck, slamming his eyes shut for a second before sighing. And maybe this isn’t the right time, talking about it while they are on a scene and there is one with balls and ass in the wind who is accompanied down from a building on their ladder truck. “I was…”.

“I can understand you, Eddie” replies the captain hastily. “And you’re right, I... the way I behaved, as a captain, as a man… that time I had to choose and... not intervening to save him is and will be one of my biggest regrets but...” he continues, looking down.

Eddie’s eyes narrow again, he takes a deep breath and when he throws the air out, he stretches a half smile. “I know. How I know he doesn’t give up. The problem is... as far as I know, rationally, we couldn’t do much else, I’m sure we weren’t enough, that we didn’t do enough...” he mumbles.

Bobby looks down, without saying a word.

“The fact that we didn’t go down there and help him was a confirmation for Evan: he really, seriously believes that he’s not worth it, risking our life for him.” Eddie mumbles. “And everything that has happened before, everything he is doing now, even hurrying his recovery, is because he doesn’t want to lose us, because we are his family... because he doesn’t want to be left behind” he adds with a sigh.

“Eddie I...” Bobby begins to say.

“I want to tell you that I behaved badly, with you, I told you about things that pressed on me but that you didn’t deserve... So please go and see him more often, he’d love to see you. But, don’t promise him food, because he is on a strict diet right now with all the medicines and all, building up his strength.” he adds.

“But you’re right I didn’t do enough...” comments Bobby, head down.

“We didn’t do enough. Evan did it all by himself, he’s a fighter, you’re right. And the thing that frightened me, that still frightens me, is that he could always get tired... But he doesn’t give up, he got out of that hell with his own legs and he will also leave the hospital in no time...” he murmurs. “Let’s give him time to get up and he will kick our ass. Mine because I’m pissed at you, and yours because you’re blaming yourself”.

“Surely when he gets better and comes back with us, he’ll kick your butts.” Hen nods, smiling, before reaching Chim and helping the naked lover in the ambulance.

“Athena told me they started talking about discharging him, Buck does nothing but say he wants to go home...” Bobby mutters, his voice heavy and thick with some strange emotion that Eddie doesn’t want to pay too much attention to.

“He was so pissed off when Maddie told him she rented his apartment…” Eddie chuckles. “I guess I have an excuse to make my place his home,”.

Bobby frowns. “It isn’t already?”.

And Eddie hums in consent. “It is, I just have to make it official… do we have to sign more HR papers?”.

Bobby shakes his head. “We’ll have to organize ourselves with your shifts and your holidays, maybe for the first few days I could…” but he can’t finish the sentence, he and Eddie look at each other for a moment and before the cheated husband, on the war foot, launches himself on the way, towards the ambulance, Eddie leaps into action, intercepting and holding him down.

When the ambulance leaves, Eddie and Bobby climb back with others on the truck. No collateral damage, all is quiet.

“We will talk about it when we have a certain date for it, better not to rush things, he is already impatient enough for all of us.” Eddie says going back on the topic.

All things considered, it’s a sleepy day. And that’s just what he needed today, nothing too adrenaline-pumping, otherwise he will be tired tonight when he goes to stay with Evan.

It’s almost in the middle of the shift, when two phone calls arrive. His parents have landed and are in Pepa’s car on the way to his house, and then Maddie gave him a brief update, but this time she doesn’t pass the phone to Buck, who is tired and is having a bad day. They started with more intensive treatments, now that he is making these huge progresses and he gets tired, he gets tired a lot and he’s always sore afterwards.

Knowing Evan as he does, so impatient, indefatigable, so tenacious, he knows that now that the finish line is getting closer, now that his discharge, or as he calls it his freedom, seems really within reach, he will do everything to hurry things up. Even if his legs hurt, even if he’s tired, he wants to get out of there as much as Eddie wants to take him home (and maybe to bed, without having to do much even just to sleep and a little pampering). But they have time, now, time that seemed to have expired until a few weeks ago. And the road is long, they know it. But everything has its time, everything has its own pace.

Not to think about it, about Evan who’s having a bad day, he decides to catch up on further articles, something that can help him with Buck and his recovery. He has signed up for all the sites that allowed you to download various exercises that they will be able to do at home, without stressing themselves, something that Evan could do autonomously or with Eddie’s help.

Hen looks out, chirping over his head. “Hey, any news from Maddie? I saw that you made that sulky grimace of yours twice... if you had talked to Buck you would walk a palm from the ground... so, it was Maddie or they were your folks… and I’d risk all my money on Maddie though... usually, after you talk to your father you go down in the gym, beating the shit out of the heavy bag”.

Eddie looks at her cut. "Are you sure that your medical career is the right way for you? You could steal Athena’s job...”.

She chuckles. “Oh, I was a fan of Murder She Wrote as a child... I always guessed the culprit...”.

“Christopher too! And... maybe he should spend less time with abuela, thinking about it...” he replies, buffeting a half laugh.

"So, what did Maddie say?” she asks again.

“Today it’s a bad day” he murmurs with his head down, scrolling his finger on the phone screen.

And she collapses near him, on the couch, squaring an ankle over one knee. “He is such a bad patient sometimes”.

“No, it’s just that it’s a bad day, today: two PT sessions, one this morning and one in the afternoon. He walked, took two whole steps alone... however, tonight he will be tired and angry, because he says it’s not enough... and with tiredness, he gets those high fevers...” he sighs and shakes his head for a moment, without taking his eyes off the phone, he must keep busy. “Besides, he has already done neurological tests too... the usual, fucking long battery, and those exercises with the speech therapist... he was tired, he was sleeping, when Maddie called”.

Hen mutters something under her breath. “He doesn’t complain, though”.

“No, but... you know him,” Eddie shrugs. “He wants to do things in a hurry, like all at once. He becomes restless... even when he was doing rehabilitation for his leg...” he says inhaling a deep breath and blowing out slowly. He’s trying to find the right words, it’s hard, seeing him like that, struggling even only to take a shaking and careful step forward.

“Well, it’s long... but he always works hard,” Hen replies, optimism in her voice.

“Every single day he improves, he gets better, but he is likely to be more and more tired and these high fevers weaken him... and he fell, the other day, when they tried to let him take a few steps... and he didn’t want help to get up and...” he shakes his head. It was painful. He doesn’t say it though.

“But he walked today, didn’t he?” she mumbles. “Two steps are enough, they are a start”.

Eddie looks up at her. “I can’t help him. It’s terrible”.

“It’s out of your control, Eddie...” Hen speaks softly. “But there is one thing that could help you. And help him…” she adds, taking the phone from his hands and typing something hastily before returning it to him.

Eddie looks at the screen. On a white and yellow page, in thin gold letters, there is a title that makes his eyebrow curl. “Nordic cuddle therapy?”.

“Okay, listen to me...” she begins to say moving her hand, as if to stop whatever he is thinking. “Touch has a power to change us, it offers support and comfort… and cuddles? Basically, they increase confidence and happiness, reduce stress and anxiety... the benefits are also physical, just biological...” she explains briefly with a toothy smile.

“Okay?” he yammers, confused, tilting his head on one side while listening. “I don’t think I understand, honestly...” he admits, after a few seconds.

Hen smiles benevolently at him. “This site explains everything quite clearly, but... long story short? Cuddling is the way to give more support, Eddie. Think about the psychological and biological effects, how a hug makes you feel, how his hug makes you feel... how you feel when he grips your hand...”.

And Eddie instantly relaxes at the mere idea. It is something he misses like crazy, to be able to reach out and find even the lower part of Evan’s back under his fingers, for a single moment. It is a kind of lucky charm, a kind of calming, anchoring mechanism.

“Exactly,” Hen says, the smile that widens more on her lips a knowing look glimmering in her eyes. “It’s just this... Hugging reduces stress. It will decrease blood pressure, heart rate, cortisol levels... it improves immune system and... as you will read, hugging, or cuddling has soothing and comforting effects for people suffering life-changing illnesses. I’m not saying that Buck is ill, but of course what happened to him, changed his life. But changed yours too, didn’t it?” she adds, and her voice is so kind and cheerful, even when she says these things.

And Eddie looks at the screen for a moment and feels something burn in his eyes. If he reads in bulk, while Hen explains it to him, he can see all the benefits. This therapy reduces fear, pain, increases happiness, improves the immune system... and that’s how he feels when he embraces his son and Buck, is this it? Is it really that simple? He looks up at her incredulously.

“Look, you can talk to his doctor, that doctor is very good...” Hen nods smiling. “Hugging, touching, cuddling produces a lot of hormones... oxytocin helps us feel calmer... serotonin increases happiness and is known as a natural painkiller, therefore it helps to lighten the pain... hugs, cuddles... help balance the nervous system... you find everything there, on that site... but there are many other scientific evidences” she adds, winking at him. “Besides, it’s a good excuse to snuggle, if you needed one”.

And Eddie looks at her and would like to say something but “Thanks” is the best he can manage right now.

“With Nia it works, you know? Such young children, especially those who have been entrusted to social services, need something, a form of caring communication. They are suffering from touch deprivation…” she adds gently. “I’m sure it will certainly help our Buckaroo a little, but maybe a little you too, you big curmudgeon... for sure you’ve already hugged him, but... let’s say you have an excuse to extend the contact, now” she remarks.

Eddie nods slowly. “Thank you thank you. Especially for the excuse of cuddling...” he repeats with a smile that curls his lips. “If you also send me the articles, I will read them and talk about them with your doctor...”.

She retrieves the phone to send him all the attachments and manages to complete the operation just in time, before the alarm sounds.

“You’re going to be a great doctor, Hen,” Eddie tells her, jumping up and hurrying down the stairs.

“And I will always be a very good Mrs. Fletcher,” she replies sneering. “I am a woman of many wonders”.

“Curmudgeon, I will remember that” he says, moving faster to get on the truck, with all his gear.

She jumps on the ambulance. “It’s spelling-bee time at Denny’s school”.

Bobby is ready next to the truck. “Come on, fire in a Korean restaurant.” he grumbles before taking his place.

“Uh, korean barbecue!” chirps Chim. “My favorite!”.

With his stomach still rumbling, even after eating a big lunch, even if more than people they seemed like a pack of hungry wolves, Eddie goes to his truck. There were three other emergencies after a small fire in the restaurant kitchen, a small failure in the electrical system, nothing special, fortunately no injuries, and Chim took the number of the takeaway, because according to him the perfume, if you ignore it the smell of burnt plastic and blackened eyebrows was really inviting.

He proceeded to contact the doctor, between one call and another, he forwarded the articles and spoke to him about Hen’s idea, that could help Evan a bit, because he is always sore and pouting, and the caresses on the face or the grip on his hands are certainly not enough for him to feel better. The doctor laughed, a genuine laugh, “Sure,” he said. “I don’t see why not, even if he will only have a better mood, it will still be a victory”.

And so now he also has the doctor’s authorization, and he can take off his shoes, and climb on the bed and hold him a little. And maybe make him forget his bad day.

Before setting off for the hospital, he called Christopher and explained to him how they can make Buck feel better, and that he will certainly need his super hugs, and Chris said he was very ready, so much so that he has already organized himself with the grandparents to visit him tomorrow, he has already chosen the next book to read to him and all the rest, tonight he will watch the soap with abuela, so he can also give him a summary.

When he arrives at the hospital it’s late afternoon, and he hurries up the stairs. He knows now that if he enters from the east entrance, and takes the stairs instead of the elevator, he is in Buck’s room in five minutes flat, brief chat with the nurses included.

From the large window of his new room, enters this golden light. The sunset tinges the wall with a warm colour, and he, who is clearly particularly tired, is all curled up on his side, to turn his back to the window, in that adorable and somewhat goofy almost foetal position, with his arm covering his face. His head almost completely hidden by the blanket. The patchwork comforter that Athena had brought him, shortly after he went into a coma, to make him feel more at home, in a less aseptic environment, is all wrinkled at the bottom of the bed, it is still very hot, although it’s almost December.

“Evan?” he calls him softly, and approaches his bed. “Evan?” he repeats and moves the sheet without too many ceremonies. “Evan I’m here for your new therapy!” he says to him.

“No,” he croaks, his voice hoarse, tired. “Enough. Enough! No more.” he repeats, groaning, stiffening in his position for a second and curling into a ball up next, clamping his fingers over the top of his head.

And Eddie feels a strange warmth growing in his heart and he laughs, and maybe he feels the need to sit down. So he flings himself on the bed, on Buck, kissing the top of his head moving his arms from his face. “Buck? Evan?” he calls again, quietly, hovering over him, his voice sounds impossibly soft in his ears. “I’m sure you’ll going to like this new therapy”.

“Ooof, no! Please” he whines, frustration crinkling in his eyes.

"It’s called cuddle therapy, or hugging therapy,” Eddie says. “And I’m your practitioner, now”.

Evan inhales a deep breath and blows it out slowly. He cocks his head, a cunning smile on his lips, blinking his red eyes owlishly. “You are what now?”.

“We are going to cuddle. And you are going to get a lot of smooches, because... you walked today,” Eddie says, and he doesn’t even want to notice how his voice sounds warm and fond while he leans in for a kiss on the bridge of his nose. “You really never cease to amaze me, Evan”.

He shrugs a bit, rubbing a hand over his stubble and his eyes. “It’s nothing” he murmurs, his voice hoarse and raw.

“Oh, no. You don’t get to belittle this thin g, okay? Not on my watch” Eddie grumbles. “You are amazing! You took your sweet time, but this is a milestone! So, you get more cuddles”.

“I’m not a kid, Eds,” he whines, a tiny smile curling the edge of his lips. “But, yeah I ’ll get all the cuddles, no complaining”.

“Oh, you are so needy” he says moving away for a moment just to take off his shoes and move on the top of the bed. “Move a bit, so the both of us can fit on this mattress”.

“Can we?” he asks softly.

“Chris can do it, I can do it” he declares.

Buck chuckles bit. “Chris is a kid, you are a full grown-ass man, Eddie”.

“I got doc’s permission,” he says. “Now, move”.

Evan moves slowly, but makes room for Eddie enough for the two of them to fit on the mattress. “Cuddle therapy” he repeats softly, his voice cracking at the end.

“Yeah, we are going to cuddle... and it’s therapy. This is the kind of science you like, the cheesy one…” Eddie says, crawling up in the bed and sighing when he finally reaches out to take Evan to his chest, resting his head on the top of his. His skin is warm and sweaty.

Evan groans, tightening his grip on Eddie’s waist. “Ooof, don’t make fun of my interests...”.

And he could swear his heart is melting right now, beating slowly in his ribcage while he sucks in a shaky breath. “I find you and your interests so adorable. You big sentimental nerd. Hen made me read a lot of articles, it’s pure science, and your doc gave us permission...”.

“It’s neuroscience” Buck states out softly, nuzzling his face in Eddie’s chest. “It’s because our skin contains millions of pressure centres that work in network...”.

Eddie laughs softly in his hair. “Now you know this one too?”.

“You said so yourself, it’s the cheesy science that I like...” Buck murmurs, his voice is like a whisper, tired and throaty. “The Pacinian corpuscles are connected to the brain to send pressure senses. It’s cool”.

“Plus, we can cuddle” Eddie adds, moving one of his hands on Evan’s shoulders.

“Cheesy science. The perfect science” he nods, snuggling closer. “Your parents?”.

“Arrived, earlier today.” Eddie groans in exasperation. “Did you really have to break our tiny bubble so fast? Why can’t we ignore the fact that they are here?”.

“They love you” Buck purrs, moving his head enough to look into his eyes.

Eddie sighs. “I know that... but they are always so meddlesome”.

“Alright, I see what’s happening here. It’s you who needs cuddles then, I’m just your six-two-tall cuddle pillow.” he says, his blue eyes glimmering with a playful mischief.

“Hey, now...” he starts with a tiny smirk. “You start forming complex sentences just in time to make fun of me, you are terrible. And I was here to make you feel better!”.

“You being here, is enough for me” Buck says and snuggles closer, humming in contentment when Eddie shifts a bit to wrap an arm around his ribs. “But with cuddles it’s better”.

It’s that, just like that. That’s enough for Eddie to feel whole again, and it sucks right away to feel whole, while Evan still isn’t in his best shape. But all that tension that stiffened his body, now seems to fade away, now that Evan touches him like he’s made of porcelain, stroking his arm, leaning into him.

“Don’t be rude with your parents,” Buck utters softly. “They are worried about you and Chris. About us. But eventually they’ll come to like me”.

“They already like you. They came here while you were... asleep” Eddie grimaces at the word, and he hurries to leave a quick peck on the edge of Evan’s warm forehead.

And Buck hums, moving closer, his hand in the small of Eddie’s back, his fingers caressing the base of his spine. “Because they love you. They wanted to give you the support you needed... help you out”.

“They got nosy even then...” Eddie adds, eyerolling noisily. “I’ll try, for Chris... and you. I’ll try”.

“They are your parents, you have to try” Buck declares, in a nobbling, yet tired, tone.

Eddie grunts again, nodding. “Let’s not talk about my parents while we cuddle. It’s weirding me out” he stretches his legs and entangles one between Buck’s, his heart galloping and echoing in the other’s chest while he nuzzles his nose in the soft curls on the top of his head. He smells like an alcoholic shampoo and detergent, and even if that isn’t his usual scent, it’s good, it’s still good.

“They helped me getting all cleaned today, maybe doc told ‘em you were coming here to snuggle in bed with me…” Buck murmurs, laying his head in the crook of Eddie’s arm and looking up at him through his eyelashes.

“The kind nurses helped you?” asks Eddie, moving his hand up and down Buck’s backbone, counting his vertebrae with his fingertips, his heartbeat drumming calmly in his ribcage.

Buck hums softly, but doesn’t say anything else. And it’s a matter of moments, that his breathing becomes deep and steady, and he is out like a light.

And Eddie lays there, in his arms, or with in him in his arms, hugs work like that, it doesn’t matter where they start, what really matters are the entangled limbs and the soft breathing. He moves his fingers absentmindedly on his skin, feeling him relax even more under his hands.

Buck moves just a bit closer, at some point, nuzzling his face in Eddie’s chest.

The sunset is dying the sky and the room with the last soft dark orange hues. It’s perfect, and calm, and maybe Eddie hasn’t seen such a beautiful sunset in a long time.

And he must admit that this cuddle therapy thing is perfect, the perfect excuse, or the therapy he actually needed, and maybe Buck is right, he needed this as much as him. He is so relaxed, this is what he always needed, what he always missed while he was asleep and not responding. And somehow is like coming home, all over again, sinking in his arms like this. He can’t explain how overwhelming, crushing, irresistible this feeling is. He doesn’t know enough words, or maybe he just forgot how to use them. He is just simply happy, and something even more, far beyond happiness. He is, finally, damn happy.

And, lulled by his soft breath, in their quiet bubble, Eddie is about to doze off. But now he hears people, he hears an echo of known voices, and it’s weird because that Unit is very silent at this moment, even if it’s visiting hours.

“What are you doing Edmundo?” nags a voice. His father’s voice, orotund and stentorian.

And Eddie, who isn’t very asleep, but not that awake either, jolts in the bed and stares with cow eyes at his parents, who are now in the room without even asking for permission.

He hears Buck whine at his sudden movement, groaning something under his breath.

“What are you doing here? We had planned a visit tomorrow.” Eddie growls, eyes burning with annoyance while he moves away from Evan’s warmth reluctantly.

Buck shifts on the bed, and squints before knitting his brows in a frown. But then smiles, his shit-eating grin. “Oh hello” he says, his voice thick with sleep scratches the back of his throat.

Eddie stiffens and can’t really function right now. His mind gone completely blank.

“We thought we could pay a visit, see how Evan was doing... you always say that this is the perfect moment to visit him...” his mother says and moves to hug him and kiss his cheeks before walking around the bed to reach out and cup Evan’s face in her hands. “You got so thin, you need to eat more”.

His father doesn’t say a thing, he just hugs him, and looks at the bed, at Evan on the bed who’s now besieged by Helena and all her attentions.

And Eddie eyerolls, a sharp sigh scratching the back of his throat when he kneels to put on his shoes. He sits on the bed and searches for Buck’s hand. He needs his touch now more than ever. He isn’t prepared to talk to his father, not now. He just wanted a cute cuddly night with his boyfriend, for fuck’s sake.

Buck smiles even more. “It’s good to see you too,”.

“You are finally awake,” his mom says. “And you look good, thin, but good. Good thing we are here, so we can bring you a lot of good food, and help out...”.

Eddie is about to say something, something about Buck’s diet, about the fact that he doesn’t need any help, that he and Christopher are well enough on their own with Evan, but his dad comes near him.

“We need to talk,” Ramon declares under his breath.

“I don’t think it’s the time, Ramon.” his mother says. “Why don’t we chat a bit with Evan first and then you and Eddie can go talk in the cafeteria, before we have to go to that good restaurant you choose?” she adds looking at Evan with a soft smile “I’m sure you and I can talk a bit, Christopher told us a lot of marvellous things you told him, so...”.

“You can go talk to your dad, Eds.” Buck murmurs, his eyes soft and caring but rimmed with tiredness, his lips curled in a tiny smile.

Eddie huffs loudly and stands, walking out with his dad. And he really wants to go to the cafeteria, maybe grab a coffee and talk to him, far from Evan’s ears. It can become ugly, when they fight. And he really didn’t need it today. It was perfect, just a couple of minutes ago. Fuck.

Ramon doesn’t wait, as much as he is known for his obstinacy, his fucking stubbornness, he isn’t known to be the kind of man to have a quiet word with someone and starts to talk when the door is closed but they are still in the corridor outside the room. “You should have come get us at the airport. Spend time with your kid”.

“Dad” he scowls.

“No, now I talk, Edmundo:” his father opens his mouth harshly, “You need to re-think your priorities, Eddie. And I say it now because I don’t want to fight in front of Christopher”.

“But you are perfectly fine with fighting in a hospital corridor, in front of Buck, we could have waited a couple of minutes, sat in the cafeteria and talked. You are doing this on purpose: he can still hear you” Eddie says narrowing his eyes. “You want him to hear, he isn’t deaf”.

“At least he isn’t deaf” Ramon retorts and moves his head away, facing the other end of the corridor. “Let me remind you that you are under no obligation to him. You aren’t married, and you need to think about Christopher, you need to think about your kid and yourself”.

“I’m thinking about Chris, I’m thinking about our happiness. We are happy with Buck” Eddie says matter-of-factly. “He is the best thing ever happened to us”.

“Eddie you don’t even know how much this thing that happened to him will impair his life and yours eventually” he starts to say but then he falls silent for a moment, and that gives Eddie the space to talk.

“It doesn’t matter” Eddie states out, shrugging. “I love him. Chris loves him. Maybe even more than I do... and Buck, Evan... he loves us, and I can’t even stress enough how much he does, maybe even more than I can fathom”.

“Eddie, you don’t need someone else who has special needs” his dad says with a stern look, gritting his teeth, gesturing widely with both his hands, pointing his finger at the door, at Evan. “You need to think about Christopher’s wellbeing first. You are already neglecting him to stay with that guy, and working twelve to twenty-four hours shifts… you brought him to the hospital! Hospitals aren’t places for kids!”.

Maybe Eddie can hear his breath scratching up his throat, rage mounting in his mouth. He slams his eyes shut, furious. He can’t do this again, he explained this in the first place, that Chris asked to go there, asked to be with Buck. “Enough” he breathes out, moving his hands in a hard act. “Enough”.

“Edmundo, I’m just saying you need to sort your priorities. You can’t give him what he needs if you can’t provide for your kid’s needs first. Neither of you will ever be happy. And I’m not even going to start about hospital bills. Six months in a hospital? You know how many digits that bill will have? At least seven...” his dad says again, his tone penetrating, severe, but he still tries to mind where he is, and not to yell out loud.

Some nurses, the kind nurses that look after Evan and treat all of them gently, eyeroll at them while passing slowly, muttering something under their breath. That’s not the right place for arguments.

Eddie moves his eyes to glance through the glass door, Evan looking at him. And he knows he heard something, maybe not everything, but he knows that look in his eyes, and Eddie doesn’t want to name it. “You say over and over that I have no obligation to him, but I have. I have obligations to my heart and to Chris’s happiness. Evan makes us happy. And I’m willing to do my best for him and Christopher”.

“Eddie...” his dad says, his voice now softer, less harsh. “Isn’t it exhausting coming all the way here, every single day? You don’t have any obligation to that boy, but your kid, your work... you already have your hands full... you really don’t need that, you really don’t need to spend your whole life looking after a─”.

Eddie clinches his jaw and doesn’t let his dad finish that sentence. “Enough.” he repeats rudely, louder. “We aren’t talking about this shit ever again. He is getting better. He will come back home and we are going to be together. I don’t care if you like this or not. It’s my life, and you don’t get to be nosy about my choices, about my parenting style, about who the hell I love. Enough.” he adds before going back inside.

Buck looks at him, glassy and tired eyes, and then moves his gaze on his father, managing a lackluster smile.

Helena straightens on her sit. “Ramon,” she calls, her mother-like tone, the one she always used when Eddie was a reckless kid. “You shouldn’t have made a scene here”.

“Take him out of here, mama” Eddie roars, his voice deep and severe. “I’m not gonna talk about this anymore”.

“Eddie...” she starts, her voice soft.

“Enough” he says again, louder this time. "You don’t get to come here and meddle in my life. There’s a reason I came here, in order to─”

“Eddie?” Buck calls him quietly shushing him. “We should all mind where we are, and you should really mind your words”.

Eddie wilts in the chair, groaning, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

“Your parents are just worried, and you are exhausted.” Buck adds, smiling but that smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “We are going to drop it for today. You have that fancy reservation at that cute restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard, right?” he says then, looking at Helena who nods. “Go, I’ll take care of Eddie, and talk some sense into him, mh?”.

He hears his father mutter something under his breath, preceding his wife outside.

Helena steps closer to the bed, and hugs Buck softly before reaching out to cup Eddie’s cheek. “You know your papa always says things for your own good, Eddie”.

And Eddie growls something, nodding then.

They wait in utter silence for a couple of moments. Just enough to be sure his parents’ ears are far enough.

Eddie doesn’t have the courage to move his eyes on Buck, who took his hands when Helena got out of there. He doesn’t know where to start, he just, can’t. He can’t start this thing. He doesn’t want to fight about his parents, it already happened a long time ago, back in Texas, back with Shannon. And Buck is in a hospital bed, in a bad shape, a bit feverish and all tired. This isn’t the right moment.

Buck strokes the back of his hand with his thumb. “Your father isn’t that wrong Eddie. And fuck, I had just finished saying you shouldn’t treat them that bad and...”.

“How much did you hear?” Eddie grits his teeth so hard that his jaw almost hurts.

“Enough?” Buck says, in a soft smile.

Eddie clenches his fists, brow bumping together in a scowl. “And you say he isn’t wrong? Evan, he said awful things about you!”.

“He hasn’t. Not today at least. And it’s true, we don’t know how bad my shape will be, but… on the positive side, I may be as fast as Christopher, so you won’t have to stress out…” Buck retorts, shrugging.

“You…” he starts to say.

“I know It’s exhausting being here.” Buck adds, without blinking.

“No. It isn’t. I wanna be here” Eddie replies, staring at him with wide eyes, before averting his look again. “And you are perfect. You are getting better. And you make me so happy I can’t... you aren’t doing this thing to us… I’m not gonna let you do it.” he starts to say.

“What thing, Eddie? I’m just talking to...” he murmurs, tilting his head on a side.

But Eddie interrupts him. “You are breaking up with me, it’s clear”.

“Are you willing to look at me and explain why should I break up with you?” Buck says with a playful tone in his voice. “Because, you know, I was sure I told you that you won’t have to stress out and leave me with Christopher, one of us being the baby sitter of the other. Leaving you, isn’t an option”.

And when Eddie moves his eyes, and looks at him, the only thing he can see in his gleaming blue irises is trust, and love, and something much, much more deep. Something Eddie can’t really fathom.

“I survived hell and back, I slept for like six whole months, I relearned to talk and walk. And you were here all along. I won’t break up with you for your father comments... I may be a bit insecure, a lot insecure, for the matter… but I can get a bit of criticism, from the in-laws…” he says with a cocky wink and a confident smile.

“But you said...” Eddie starts.

“I just said he isn’t wrong, Eddie. Because, in fact, he isn’t wrong. You are exhausted, you work a very stressing job, you have to take care of yourself and your son, and you come here to take care of me too. That’s what I heard... and it’s also true you don’t have any obligation to me...” Buck murmurs, arching a sly brow. “I heard that too”.

“I have obligations to you!” Eddie murmurs, his voice thin like a whisper. “I have...”.

“I heard that too.” Buck says, reaching out to cup his cheek. “I heard you, and all he marvellous things you said about me. And trust me, I know my love has the same shape of yours,”.

“He said we aren’t married but...” he starts to say and then stops and looks at Buck, an amused smile plastered on his lips.

“I don’t need a wedding or a ring to know how committed, how much effort we are putting in this relationship” he says then, his voice impossibly soft and caring and fond. “And please, before you do something stupid and kneel down here and ask me to marry you, trust me, I don’t need a ring. Not now, at least. You don’t get to ask me to marry you while I’m still here, I’ve stayed a lot of time in here, I won’t accept if you don’t woo me around. A fancy restaurant or… after a lot of sex. I don’t know...”.

Eddie chuckles softly, and leans in forward, sinking in his warmth. “I love you”.

“I know that. You don’t even need to tell me that out loud. Your whole body tells me that every single day. Even your adorable pouty face tells me that... And I love you too, so much” he murmurs back, kissing the top of his head. “But, you should rest a bit more at home, take a better care of yourself and spend more time with Chris, he loves me, but he loves you so much. I’m an adult, and you can leave me alone for a couple of days or as long as your parents are here. They are eight hundred miles away from us. They won’t barge in your house and decide on your life”.

“But they...” he wants to say again.

“I know, they are going to be meddlesome even if they were to live at the exact opposite of the globe. But you don’t get to tell your mother you wanted to put mileage between you because they are nosy. That’s what parents are meant for. You’ll do the same with Chris when he gets older…” Buck adds, chuckling. "You just have to pretend for a bit. Then I’ll be out here, and you and I are gonna make up a lot, to catch up... you know?”.

Eddie groans. “I can’t do that. I want to be here. I need to be here. I need you. I need your voice... your touch... I need you”.

“As much as I need you” Buck replies, amusement sparkling in his eyes. “But maybe that will help with your father taking a liking to me”.

“So he finally gets his head out of his ass?” he asks in a snarl.

Buck laughs softly. “Urgh, I need you to be more cooperative for this to work...”.

“Or I just have abuela give him the shovel talk. So, that I can snuggle here with you and Chris...” Eddie says crawling back on the bed.

“That could work too” Buck hums, making room on the bed for him. “Abuela, my ultimate defender”.

“That will work. Because I need the cuddle therapy,” Eddie says, taking him to his chest and resuming where they left off.

Buck chuckles again, a soft endearing sound. Moving to tug Eddie in his warm and sweet embrace, Eddie’s head under his chin. “See, I knew it! You are using me! What a big meanie!”.

Eddie mutters something against his neck. “Fuck, I was falling asleep... almost seven months without you in bed with me and they had to intrude even in that. Dios!”.

Buck cackles hard, breathless. “Ouch, it hurts, don’t let me laugh like that”.

“Serves you right. Making fun of me...” Eddie groans, nestling against Buck and aching in contentment then. “I missed this so much”.

Buck takes in a shaky breath, before yawning loudly. “Have you eaten? They made me eat at five today, like I’m some old man in a nursing home. But I saved all the red Jellos for you. They are in the bedside cabinet”.

“Ah! You know me so well” Eddie murmurs. “I already ate at the station, I just want to snuggle now. And you are tired, they woke you...”.

Buck yawns profusely, moving ab it closer. “You know I’m like a rabbit, when it comes to sleep”

“Or a narcoleptic” Eddie muses.

“Urgh, stop making fun of me!” Buck snorts. “Let’s sleep, then. I’m sure doc isn’t going to report you”.

“Nah, it’s cheesy science” he says, leaning in a bit more.

“The perfect science,” he hears Buck say softly, while his breath becomes slower and deeper.

Eddie moves a bit in his arms, enough to move and switch off the light, moving back on the mattress.

And Buck sighs a pleased moan when Eddie moves closer again, burrowing in his warmth.

It doesn’t take long for Eddie to doze off, this time. His heart warm, and his face all relaxed. He feels Buck skin getting colder under his fingertips, he can hear his breath softly caressing his face, his heartbeat drumming in his chest.

It’s perfect.

And it feels like coming home.

In a blink of an eye it’s morning. Or at least Maddie’s voice echoing in his ears is like the hummingbird, sparrow? Whatever it is that singsongs in the morning. He doesn’t move tho, laying there against Buck.

“You told him what??” he hears Maddie say in disbelief, her voice loud, amused.

“Ooof! Be quiet! He is sleeping” Buck groans, tightening his grip on Eddie.

He now has a bit more self-awareness, and notices that he is slouched on the bed, nestled in Buck’s side, his head in the crook of his neck. He can hear Buck voice echoing in his ribcage.

“I just told him his father was right. And he is, Mads.” Buck remarks.

“No wonder he thought you were going to break up with him. His father said awful things, about you and about your conditions before too...” she murmurs. She wasn’t present, but Eddie might have told her at some point.

“I know, I can see how exhausted he is, Mads, he is tired and I fear he is going to get tired of me too, at some point” Buck murmurs, in such a low voice that makes Eddie tremble.

But Eddie’s chest swells at those words. They need to talk about this, maybe even now.

“Don’t start with this nonsense of yours!” Maddie groans. “He loves you. And he waited for you for so long, he won’t get tired during your recovery”.

“You waited too.” Buck says.

And Eddie moves closer, to burrow better in his side. He can feel under his skin where this conversation is going, and Evan needs all his support now. But if he wakes up now, he can stop her before she does or says something stupid.

“Yeah. But if Eddie didn’t fight for you, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, you know.” she says and then takes in a sharp breath.

“I just don’t want him to be exhausted by me. You know?” Buck murmurs.

And something warm and painful clenches in Eddie’s chest. He said so a long time ago, before getting together, long before talking out their feelings. Fuck. And he is about to move, and talk and tell him he was so wrong back then, he was just hurting and angry and... and... and... but he hears Maddie sigh again.

“He isn’t going to get tired of you, trust me. And I’m sure he is willing to take you in for the time being. You were practically already living together” she says gently. “And your apartment isn’t very friendly with your current condition. You can’t sleep on your couch like you did before, you need a proper bed and someone to look after you. Someone who keeps you in line, someone who kisses you better”.

“I still don’t get why you decided to clear out and rent my apartment” Buck groans. She did it before he woke up, when doctors said that he was brain-dead, and they have to be strong and decide. She started with the apartment. But she surely won’t say that.

“Buck...” she starts to say.

“You sure Eddie won’t mind if I go living with him? Isn’t this something he has to say himself?” he asks with a thin voice. “If we don’t count these six-seven months we haven’t been together that long, going to live together is a big step... and... he…”.

“He was here, he was here when you were left with no hope, Evan. When they told us we had to think about shutting down the life support... they said you were brain-dead, and now here you are talking…” she mutters softly. “He hasn’t stopped a second to fight for you. He told me that by choosing to donate your organs, making you do your last heroic act, I was giving up on you. I was leaving you all over again. For good this time, and he stood against me, he kept you here… he won’t give up on you now”.

And there’s a moment of silence, still and impenetrable.

Maddie is right, Eddie won’t ever give up on Buck now that they have the finish line in sight, now that he can bring him home, and stay with him for as long as Evan wants him.

But then he hears a pained breath, short and trembling. “You were...” he hears Buck’s voice stuck in his chest. “You were thinking about...”.

“Yes” she nods.

And when Buck trembles under Eddie, and clenches harder on his shoulders, Eddie who doesn’t want to intrude in this conversation, but who wants to give him as much support he can, just strengthens his grip on him.

“Evan, your doctors said that after six months of no improvements you were practically brain-dead and..." Maddie explains. “I’m sorry, I... I really am. But I really wanted the best for you, you were lying here and─”.

“You were letting me go?” he says, his voice breaking at the end. “You were going to let me go and... and... and... how can this be the best for me? I was left without a choice, you said yourself I shouldn’t leave a biological will, you decided for me! You didn’t trust me!”.

“Evan... you weren’t here. We were─” she murmurs.

“I was here.” he snarls and then takes in a deep breath, coughing twice before continuing. “I was the one who was fighting to get back to you. You didn’t trust me!” he says now, quietly, tired.

“Evan...” she starts again.

“You thought it was the best, I know. And I’d do so myself but… But...” he pauses for a long moment before sighing again, a trembling breath escaping his lips. “You always leave me” he murmurs then, ruffling Eddie’s shirt between his fingertips. “I need you to leave me for... I don’t know, I need to sort my thoughts. I may say something you won’t like and... I don’t want to hurt you, so please. Go. I don’t need you here now”.

“Evan I...” Maddie tries again.

“I know. You thought it was the best. I know. But you were giving up on me.” Buck groans. “And we were talking about Eddie and me, and you decided to drop this bomb on me? I was ignorant, I was happy in my blissful ignorance!”.

“My point...” she murmurs.

“Your point doesn’t matter now” he snaps finally, and his voice croaks and coughs, again and again.

Eddie shifts enough to let him inhale better. “You should go.” he murmurs to Maddie, and moves to grab him a glass of water.

“I don’t want to say something I’d regret so, please. Go.” Buck pleads, his breath trembling in the back of his throat, and he crashes in Eddie’s arms.

“Eddie I...” she starts to say again.

“I got him, don’t worry” he says adjusting his grip around him, and helping him with his water.

He waits for Maddie to get out, he will text her later, or maybe she will text first, or call.

They are tense, they all are, and Evan is restless now, he just wants to go home and rest, and get back to normal. Eddie knows this, and maybe he’ll have to speak with Maddie again about this thing, he’d suggested to avoid the subject, or maybe to wait until he got better. But she was boiling in her own guilt.

“How much did you hear?” Buck asks, his head slumping on Eddie’s shoulder.

“Since you told her to be quiet” Eddie replies, moving his hand on the small of his back. “It didn’t work”.

Buck lifts his head just enough to look into Eddie’s eyes. “Urgh, you were sleeping so well. I’m sorry”.

He cups his face in his hands, and looks in his blue eyes, all red and glassy. “Don’t be, I had the best sleep in ages,” he says before kissing his cheekbone, and moving his lips on his birthmark. “Do you want to talk about it? Your sister said I told her those things, but, trust me, I told here much worse things...”.

“My knight in shiny armour” He smiles softly, but his eyes are full of hurt and pain.

Eddie shifts closer, and kisses his temple again. “I just wanted you back and... and you are back now. And she’s happy, so much to have you back… but she was really doing a stupid thing for what she thought was the best, and maybe at some point it was… the best choice for you, you being the hero you are… would have loved to help other people…”.

“I know but…” Buck groans.

Eddie hums a soundless sigh. “She was hurting too… and I don’t say it to, you know, strike a blow for her or whatever… I just, know how much it hurt… seeing you like that…”.

Buck purses his lips in a stern grimace. “I’m sorry you had to... endure this” he says then.

“Nonsense” Eddie growls quietly. “Don’t ever say you are sorry again. It was out of your control... and you did your best to come back to me, to us…”.

Buck slumps again in his arms, his head against his shoulder, nuzzling in the crook of his neck.

“You saved my life, and not only that day... you said a lot of stupid things, we are going to sort those things out, don’t worry... but now we need to think about your recovery first, and get you out of here and then back home” Eddie says, his voice coming out low and soft, almost trembling, so he scoffs, trying to find some composure. “I’m planning to stick around you for as long as you want me”.

Buck lets out a shaky breath. “Yeah?”.

Eddie hums. “Yeah. Maddie is right, we were already practically living together, rising our son together... so, yeah, you are going to move in with me. I’m not going to let you out of my sight ever again”.

But Evan doesn’t say a thing, he just stays still there for a moment in his arms, ruffling the hem of Eddie’s shirt with a hand, the other clenched on his shoulder.

“Did she really think about that?” he asks after a couple of minutes.

Eddie nods. “Yes. They told us you were… well, but then you woke up”.

“Thank you for not giving up on me” Evan says his eyes rimmed and glassy with unshed tears.

“Thank you for not giving up.” he replies. “You won your battle, all alone, a one-man army. I was just here hoping for you to wake up”.

“But you didn’t let her do that... turning off the life support and all…” he murmurs, his voice breaking again.

“They told us you were beyond salvation. They couldn’t help you. And she felt helpless. Like me. She just wanted the best for you... and I was selfish, because I didn’t know how much you hurt, or how bad you felt, if you heard us or…” he explains slowly.

“I heard you sometimes” Buck murmurs.

Eddie widens his eyes in disbelief. “You did?” it escapes is mouth like a scruffy cry.

Buck nods, closing his eyes. “I heard Christopher, reading books to me… Maddie, crying sometimes… I heard Bobby, praying. Athena groaning… Hen and Karen talking about science and medicine… about space… I heard Chim… talking about movies, movies that he still talks about now… There were Pepa, and abuela, and Carla… their voices always optimistic… they spoke about cuisine, and food, and tv shows…” he adds with his breath short in his throat. “But mostly I heard you. Calling my name and asking me to come back”, he adds, his voice soft and broken with so many emotions.

“You did?” he asks again, a weird pain in his chest. He heard them, he really heard them.

“When I heard you, I always tried to move and… and… but I couldn’t, at some point I decided it was only my mind, that maybe that was what death looks like…” he says, softly. “I know it was hard, I can understand why Maddie thought the best option for me, at that point, was to let me do a last heroic act. But then… but then I think about you, about my brain glows up when you talk to me, I think about how much pain you endured while you waited and…” he tightens his lips “You didn’t choose the easy path, you didn’t give up on me”.

“She didn’t give up, I didn’t let her” Eddie whispers. “I just wanted you back, Evan” he replies. “Chris was going to ask Santa to take you back. I couldn’t do a thing, I just sat here, three floors down, on a very uncomfortable chair and waited, and hoped. And it hurt because I couldn’t help you enough. I wasn’t enough”

“You waited for me, you didn’t give up, that’s enough.” Buck says, a soft smile on his lips.

“And, just so you know, it isn’t exhausting at all. Coming here,” he says kissing the soft spot right before the curve of his ear. “It wasn’t exhausting waiting for you.” He moves his lips again, on his temple. “It isn’t exhausting talking to you, looking at you... now, snuggling with you, smooching you” he adds, and at every word he leaves a small peck on his face. “You aren’t exhausting, you never were. And I’m sorry about all those mean things I told you got stuck in your beautiful, smart head”.

Buck’s breath itches in his throat, his lips trembling and his eyes watering a bit.

“I promised you smooches,” Eddie says, pushing him back on the mattress. “So before your PT, I’m going to kiss you senseless,”.

“Keep it PG,” Buck smirks breathless. “In case your dad comes back,”.

“Umpf ! I’m the responsible adult here! And I don’t want to traumatize all the kind nurses here... plus my dad isn’t going to come before noon, he has breakfast with abuela...” Eddie says leaning in to kiss the bridge of his nose. “Let me take care of you and let’s not talk about my parents for now... after your therapy session with me I’ll let you call your sister, I know you are already guilt-tripping yourself...” he says looking into his eyes concerned.

“I just... I don’t like snapping...” he murmurs. “Or fighting with her... I was…”.

“Angry, hurt... I know. And I told her some hurtful shit...” he replies. “But, let me take care of you, now. And let’s dig in with some more cuddle therapy. Let’s leave our relatives out of our heads for a moment, uh?”.

And said that he snuggles closer again, kissing him. And he takes his time, to remember and live this moment.

Time.

Time that seemed a dream only a few weeks ago.

They have time now, to sort their things out, to recover. Time to be happy and laugh. Time to find their happiness.

Time to live.

Together.

As always, stay safe and take care of you!

tagging @buckleystrand; @sparksfly-buddie; @chrrlees; @lieselfh; @themoonyloveenvy and whoever wants to be tagged!

#buddie fic #911 fic #heavy angst #angst with happy ending #this isn't the happy ending yet but we are so near now! really!#hurt/comfort #emotional hurt/comfort #enstablished relationship #major character injury #lamalefixwrites #freaking long things #over 16k words #author.exe stopped working

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