#but couldn't brain on much else

[krys-loves-otome]

'Tis the Season for Love CCC: "Actually, there is one more thing on my wish list."

(pose found here (and if you like Naruto (specifically NaruHina), highly recommend the fic the source is attached to!)

Notes: mention of oc x canon kids and glimpses of how kids are made. Fun times!

------

The moon peeked through the blinds, reflecting the quiet scene of the living room. Abby and Vincent were picking up small scraps of colorful paper, both tired but smiling. Their sons just had spent Christmas tearing into presents and playing the day away. Now, both boys were asleep in their room upstairs, dreaming of the next day's fun and adventures.

This moment, however, was more for the two parents that cared so much for them. A quiet moment that had been rare in the days since their eldest was born.

"I think today went really well, schatje." Vincent said, leaning into his bed pillows, letting Abby lay across him, "the boys loved their presents."

"And I'm glad you liked the new sweater I got you. It looks good on you." Abby smiled.

"It's really warm too," Vincent said proudly, hugging her closer. "I won't have to worry about getting cold when I wear this outside."

"Just be sure to wear a jacket too," Abby giggled.

"I will."

They sat in silence, watching the shimmering lights on their tree bouncing on the walls, softly illuminating their faces.

After a moment, Abby looked at her beloved, a soft but unsure smile on her face.

"Vincent?"

"Hm?"

"Can… I ask you for one more thing?"

"I thought asking for presents was over hours ago," he chuckled.

"It's… it's something that's on my wish list… but…."

"But?"

"It's ….a big thing."

"A big thing?"

"A big… life changing thing. It's… something I've been thinking about for a while." She bit her lip, pulling down her pink fleece nightgown, a gift from her auntie, appropriate for the season.

And another reason, she thought, looking towards the boys' room.

"What do you think… about having another one?"

"Another one?"

"Another…  zuigeling."

Vincent paused, lifting Abby up to face her. Her face was already flushing cutely in embarrassment.

"I-I love Theo and Wil, I love them dearly!" she stuttered out, "they're the world to me-!"

Vincent cut off her mumbling with a swift kiss.

"Schatje," he said calmly, touching his forehead to hers. "I haven't even said anything yet."

"Right…" Abby said, taking a deep breath, "do… do you want another one?"

Vincent closed his eyes, quiet for a moment, mulling over the prospect. Abby held her breath, pleading with her eyes.

In the next moment, Vincent kissed her deeper, wrapping his arms around her.

"If it makes you happy," he said softly in her ear, "another zuigeling running around sounds wonderful."

He kissed her neck.

"Een dochtertje, I think, this time."

"A daughter?"

"As pretty as you are, naturally."

His fingers danced up her side, finding her soft belly and stretch marks under her gown. Abby tried to hide her gasp with a giggle, placing her hands over Vincent's wandering ones.

"If you're sure."

"I am." He kissed her nose. "Lucky me, getting to draw and paint you again so round and sweet."

Abby giggled, kissing him this time.

"Another few months where I can't set a sketchbook on my lap without a little foot kicking it off."

Vincent massaged his fingers into her belly, already anticipating the coming months, a content sigh escaping his lips.

"Another few months where it's very obvious you're mine." He slid his finger down her hip, pulling her panties down. Abby's dainty hands slid over his green pajamas pants.

-----

I know this is one of the smut prompts (and it does get some spice in there, plus the pic is a lil spicy itself), but I couldn't brain on the words anymore, so here's this lil nugget as is. Not super spicy but it's implied.

Thanks again to @voltage-vixen and @xxsycamore for hosting this event!

#’tis the season for love #’tis the season for love content creation challenge #krys's adventures in art #ikemen vampire #ikevamp oc #vincent van gogh (ikevamp) #abigail clarke (oc) #light spice #I think I added in the spice because I kept taking this in a wholesome direction #where they were about to fall asleep #but then I was like #wait a minute #they're supposed to be trying for babies rn #then added in the lil hint of spice #but couldn't brain on much else #so just left it at that #the pic might have been enough to imply what was going to happen #oh well #maybe I'll post it on it's own eventually #we shall see

[sysig]

You’re new to the Princess-Rescuing business, aren’t you? (P1 | P2 | P3) (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #The Captain #DAX #My brain presented me with a punchline and then stepped back to let me figure out how to get there #And then had the audacity to feel silly for making the path! #How rude #Lol #Well I did it anyway! And it was in fact silly but in a good and fun way! So there brain! Lol #It was admittedly a bit touch-and-go for a while - I love silliness so much! But it kept turning out in a way I wasn't satisfied with #And then I'd draw the next thing and be like ''No actually that's funny/cute'' and everything was fine - and then it'd repeat! Pfft #But I'm happy with it by the end so it's fine >:3c Trust the process! #Anyway - the the Actual Thing lol #Considering the various SCII/adjacent vibes lately it might not surprise you to hear that alt outfits have come back into my crosshairs #Cough cough Pirate Fic cough - but those aren't the only vibes! Make something similar but not the same! Why not fantasy! #It is a classic go-to lol #It was fun thinking how the Captain's uniform could be translated into a more Princely aesthetic haha #I didn't do the same for DAX but that's mostly 'cause I just wanted to put him in human clothes lol #Plus I'm sure you can imagine who else will feature :3c And they couldn't just match! Part of the comedy is appearance-based! #Which is part of why it's funny for DAX to answer in the first place haha ♪ That's no dragon! #The Captain always bursting onto the scene without thinking things over first haha - what were you expecting Captain! #Also hey rude don't look so relieved that DAX wasn't the princess! What if it was a test and he /was/ the princess! #He'd be in so much troubleeeee ♪ Well he still might be hehehe

[headfullofgalaxies]

I wasn't going to make anything for Kaito's birthday, but then the latest Project Voltage MV dropped, and well... here we are.

Happy 18th Anniversary, KAITO!

#kaito #kaito vocaloid #vocaloid #project voltage #pokemon #kaito anniversary #kaito 18th #latios #fanart #star*scribbles #I was having a normal day and then I saw the mv #I couldn't do anything else until I drew kaito and latios #I love project voltage so much but I do not have enough brain space for all the thoughts it gives me #as both a vocaloid and pokemon fan I am LIVING for this

[notsogoodangel]

This is what I did during my spare time... I'm fine.

Side Notes: I didn't add any of the actual players for simplicity's sake, but I did add characters played by the CCs that aren't their main characters such as Arin, ElQuackity, and Sapo Peta.

It will be too complicated to add ex-alliances and spy-related stuff... but if I did! Jaiden will be between the "knows the federation" and "sides with the players" and Etoiles will be between "understands the codes" and "sides with the players" just because there are no real secrets about it if you watch their POVs.

#qsmp #this is what I did in Valentine's Day because my aro-ace ass couldn't think of anything better to spend my time on #also the thing that shock me the most out of this is THAT THE FUCKING DOG WORKS FOR THE FEDS WHAT #also the Watcher may hate the Federation and stuff but only really knows about Egg Island and nothing else #so he is included in the same area as Cucurucho Mr Duck and the Bunnies #and the Fed workers are in between because they LIKE the players 80% of them are friends or more that the other workers ARE NOT #Creation is so new but I think I'm okay in the placement for now just because is not attached to the Players enough to move to where Arin i #also there's a glee on seeing Ayrobot and SOFIA (Max's robo-daughter) in the same place just for perfectly for my little aymaxo brain #also I'm putting all the Cucurucho's on the Feds because there's not much distinguishing Cucurcho from Osito Bimbo and Ourson #also that's Madagio not naked Slenderman... although both of them would be in the same slot #and all the individual gods like Mine Kristin/Mumza Matt and both Cellbit's and Philza's individual god entities are still there #because we know them as the audience but we don't know what the fuck they know and what they can do even if they canonically exist #also I don't know what the fuck is @v@ so clearly deserves that spot despite being able to infect players federation works and the codes

[marantis]

It has been weeks! And I am still haunted by 'My Love is Sick' by Madds Buckley as a spawn for Bingqiu brainworms! Like how can you hear,

I’d rather the wound Than have you removed

and not go absolutely bonkers? or,

My love is sick It’s messy and wrong But I pray for a bit of contagion

like how? Is this not just straight up something that Binghe would vibe with so hard?

#svsss #Luo Binghe #bingqiu #You don't know how much something has to rotate in my brain to actually make a post like this #but I couldn't contain that thought any longer and in the absence of anyone else to convey it to now the void of tumblr gets it #Youtube

[hussyknee]

I think sometimes you just have to make peace with the fact that your actual hobby is collecting books. And that that's okay.

#i used to devour eight books a week up until I was about 22 #i couldn't fathom leaving anything in the house unread #then it's like my brain maxed out #coincided with my cptsd manifesting in crippling depression‚ triggering my bipolar #and hitting that mid-20s adhd wall where all your coping mechanisms fall apart #it's just been getting worse ever since #i can no longer read anything but fanfic #i was able to make a great headway through alexis hall's work but then I fell into a hyperfixation again so #bye bye everything else #i couldn't read comics even when I was back to hyperfixating on comics #i can't absorb things and when I do I can't hold them in my head #i used to be able to pull out entire passages of my favourite books from memory #now I can barely remember what happened in them #sometimes i wonder whether it even mattered that i used to be such a voracious reader #sure it gave me writing skills but i was never able to do much with them because of the complete mental and physical breakdown #and people young enough to be my kids write better than I ever did #i still have the thirst and hunger for knowledge and stories #but no capacity for it at all #books #reading #just adhd things #actually adhd #burnout #book collection #knee of huss

[viridian-house]

wanted to sketch a scene from the upcoming chapter of my madasaku fic wandering, but I'll confess I'm a bit of a multimada shipper (as much as I am with sakura lol) and ended up a lil off script...

(don't worry, no surprise ships in the fic itself!! just couldn't resist adding some angst to the painting 💅)

#madamito #uchiha madara #uzumaki mito #I guess my last post was a lie because my brain really and truly said 'we must paint again Or Else' #tried tonight to find a style that works better for me and who knew #less intricate blending = much less frustration in the learning process #(this sounds sarcastic but I'm so serious hhdhfh) #also i couldn't get her fuinjutsu strips to look good nor the hair ornaments she'll be wearing in the scene 💔 #i always imagine her being such a dignified and graceful presence but god it's hard to capture that vibe in the way i envisioned #my art

[fantasticgothicpeachsludge]

They are long-lost siblings TO ME!

#ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG #literally no Cal Kenobi fics include Korkie and its killing me #eating me alive #WE DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO KORKIE #HE COULD BE OUT THERE #I have been thinking about this for years #and waiting #I need a fic where Cal or Korkie find the other #post purge #I crave it #Korkie finding Cal on Bracca T0T #AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH #I would never stop talking about my headcanons if I trusted myself to make a coherent post #anyway #im leaving my brain worms here as well as my plot bunnies #I headcanon that korkie is force-sensitive #but satine was able to hide it #but she couldn't do the same for cal cause of the echoes #So she had to send him to the temple with someone she trusted and a fake last name #Cal doesn't really remember much but korkie probably not his name or much else but that he did have an older brother #korkie being so scared and sad when he learns they're sending padawans to fight in the clone wars #🥺 #him never giving up on finding cal even after the purge #🥺🥺🥺 #korkie kryze #korkie kenobi #cal kestis #cal kenobi #cal kryze #I now have so many pictures of Cal in my phone because of this post

[hauntingblue]

I have connected two dots... yamato kaido and momo (and kinda shirahoshi with her top) have clouds above their shoulders... and luffy in gear fourth has them also.... I can see the signs

#momo must be so emotionally confused omg poor child. this guy says he is my father and treats me like his son and also this samurai who has #been acting like my father just died. and now i turned 28 and a dragon and i need to save this island or my shougnate will die. jesus #FUCKING ROB RUCCI!!! I SURE HOPE NOT ONE STRAY ATTACK REACHES THE ROOM FULL OF CP0 AGENTS!!! #now the government is going to invade wano AND TAKE ROBIN!!!!! ROB LUCCI DIEEEE!!!!! AND YOU WILL FAIL AGAIN!!! #now how tf did the heart pirates get there... who can fly on there or did they just tag along on momos tail #the dinosaur head snake???? hello?? qjdhakshsk and it worked.... sanji... 'thats what a brachiosaurus is!' well i do not think so.... #wtf sanji.... so much of that wiggly dance he does with the heart eyes has brought him here... #talking tag #watching one piece #episode 1053 #poor killer man.... why doesnt he cut off the arm kid doesnt have... that should do it right??? #jesus.... goodbye kid and law.... hawkins just hitting his head to a wall.... CUT OFF HIS ARM!!! oh no..... another self sacrificing mate.. #YEAAHHH THE ARM!!!!! is he gonna take it and give it to kid akdjsksj OH HE TOOK THE STRAW DOLL!!! killer your brain is so huge.. #the death card looking JUST like killer.... that was such a slay... they had this one thought out for a while..... #THE MUSIC!!! GOODBYE HAWKINS!!! KILLER OUTSERVED!!!! whats with the cutting of arms this arc.... kid now its your turn to slay (big mom) #episode 1054 #sanji having an existential crisis and queen just: WELCOME TO THIS MOMSTER WORLD #having issues with his body transforming doesnt help with the transfem allegations #APOO IS STILL ALIVE???? CUT OFF HIS HEAD!!!! #i was gonna say KINEMON!!! BUT I KNOW ITS THAT FUCKING KANJURO!!!!!! nami drawing the moon on his asscheek akdjsksj #KIKU AND KINEMON ARE ALIVE??? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS THIS IS A TRAP!!! DON'T GIVE ME HOPE!!! #NOOOOOO THE CP0 IS IN ACTION TOO NOOOOOOOOO #they are breathing.... omg.... kiku..... ORICHI DIEEEE!!!!! i knew this couldn't end like this for her... i have been completely bamboozled #kinemon appearing like the first time... just legs.... amazing #how does big mom ikoku inside the castle are we insane... yamato can you like bite off kanjuros head off or smth... finish him off PLEASE #why do they have steel beams in kaido's castle. everything else is wood and stone. who designed this. #bepo being in law's mid episode animation akdjaksns.... thats really his beffo (bff) bepo #big mom being crushed by some beams doesn't sound right... kid should turn into magneto and start bloodbending... or repel her into the sea #episode 1055 #episode 1056

[lonely--seeker]

I think I'm going insane. Lately my dreams have been so mundane, it wouldn't be weird if I wasn't just a person that has nightmares 80% of the time, so I now my dreams are so hard to distinguish from reality.

I wouldn't be able tell what was real from what not if it wasn't because last night I went to my doctor's appointment and I was handed new glasses by Harvey just to go back home and find out Laois was cooking something in my backyard.

#to be fair. in my dream i was back at my old house. so the horrors where there still #also i've been dreaming about my dog. but sometimes it's not him. it's other dog trying to replace him. but it's not him. i miss him dearly #but it's... weird. i never actually dream with characters either. something strange is going on #I've been telling my brother i wake up and i have to remember who i am #for the totally normal dreams. it's like my soul is divided and it's living somewhere else for the night #who is the person i am when i dream. because it's not me. it's a whole different live. whole different people around me. I'm going insane #there's such a strange feeling about it. it's familiar? it's comfortable? #which only makes it even more weird. why is a life so different to mine feel so comfortable... #to the point i wake up and i don't remember who i am for at least ten minutes #but then i forget what i had dreamt about. and then i go around my day randomly reminding things. then that's when i realize those memories #were actual dreams #i should write a fanfic about this lmao #it was a nice dream though. i remember vividly i was sitting in one of those chairs thingies that hang in the air? #and i was swinging happily. i think Laios was talking about where he got whatever the fuck he was cooking. i couldn't understand him really. #he wasn't speaking in spanish but it wasn't english either. i think it was a made up gibberish... I'm still baffled by how comfortable i was #i think there were friends around too. maybe a hangout was going on? everything was nice. it reminds me of the times #i would go eat at a friend's house. but things felt a lot nicer. it was like if time had stopped and nothing wrong could ever happen. #and even then. i was still there. which i think that's why i started to feel dizzy in my little swing. i ended up waking up from that. #i still get dizzy remembering it. #welp. I hope i don't lose myself tonight... #I don't actually know what's worse. the nightmares are common. they are familiar. there's comfort in knowing what to expect. #but “good” dreams like that... i end up thinking about them too much. the residual feeling is weirder #and i have to deal with the whole different layer that is.. there's was a fucking anime guy there. kill me. kill me. get him OUT of my brain #I'm not lying when I say I can physically feel Laios rearranging my brain in ways i will not share publicly #kill me.

[unloneliest]

the problem of the matter is i did internalize so much of what ex friend believed about me. even though i knew he was wrong and knew what was happening and tried to stop it and if i took more action to stop it would have been abusing power i held in a way i couldn't live with myself for.

#A BAD PERSON TRYING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE WOULD'VE GOTTEN YOU FIRED AND EVICTED IN WINTER IN ALASKA YOU MOTHERFUCKER. WHICH I DID NOT DO #he was renting a room from my dad. for cheaper than he wouldve been able to find anywhere else. his brother was too #his brother didn't pay rent for over 6 months and my dad just forgave him the debt because my dad knew how much of a difference it wouldve #made when he was that age. and i had told him ex friend was family to me & my dad applied that to the brother too. bc he is a good person. #and one of the strongest parts of my support system. and i didn't say a word to him about what was happening until i knew he already had a #plan for when he would be ending ex friend's lease. so there would be no subconscious impact on ex friend's housing either #mgmt at work straight up asked me if i thought ex friend should be fired immediately multiple times and i'm in retrospect livid they put me #in that position but told them to go by the strike system in the employee handbook and to follow policy that ex friend knew perfectly. that #it couldn't be on me as acting assistant manager to choose #and after 10 months of workplace harassment i got a different job to save my life. ex friend didn't get fired. #he did saw trap shit to my brain!!!!!! jesus christ #he moved cross country to live with his long time gf he called his wife despite never having met irl. to a way more conservative state. #despite being gay. and she left him this summer lol #hadn't checked his twitter in over a year when it got pulled up frm an old link and i saw that. and when he was already at a low point too #me voice. oh no who could've seen this coming. from how you behave in every relationship in your life #may delete this in the morning. but i have to talk about it sometimes #i'm never reaching out for closure both bc he wouldn't give me any and because i know it would trigger him and i don't intentionally trigge #people. unlike him :) #vampire pit #like. i have to talk about it sometimes. i have to talk about it. #jam posts

[windwardstar]

Note to self: you're writing all the things you want to see represented in trans characters and writing self indulgent trans plots is the entire point of the fic. Stop worrying about the fic having too many self indulgent trans scenes. That's the point.

#but also like a lot of the impetus of writing this fic was because i couldn't find fics that had everything i wanted #and the ones that did have the stuff were like pls may i have some more i need this #so i am now writing to give myself more #and also other people who may want it too #but also the fact like 99% of the fics dont have these things is like the brain is being unhelpful and saying its bc im the only one who #who wants to see these things in fic #but like this fic is bc it what i want to see in fic and my brain needs to remember that when it starts #worrying about the fic having too much trans content #like thats the point. oh ihop has too many pancakes yeah no shit it's the house of pancakes what else did you think they'd have #A Man in Time You'll Be #monday trans ramble

[hexados-on-a-string]

spectragus dont get enough credit for being a sun and moon ship but like. destructive sun and moon ship. sun and moon ship but they're the forces of nature the sun and moon actually are. the sun is harsh and relentless and unpredictable in its evil but also it's kindness, the moon is sharp and cold and cruel, a harsh light that doesn't allow you peace, but can also guide you, a light in the darkness. even on nights with a new moon, with no light in the sky, the moon is always reflecting the sun, and it'll be that way until they come to their end.

#spectragus give me a dopamine high that any sort of drug couldn't even come close to giving me #its the loyalty. its the seeing each other at their worst and still staying. #its the being the only person still around who knows and understands what youve been through #its the being so important to each other's characters that u cant mention one without recognising the impact the other has on them #i dont rlly do shipping unless its funny but also im a huge gus fan so like. yea. plus my view on romance is a bit all over the place anyway #something something my skrunkles deserve complicated relationships that are more than romantic but something else #its the trust thats the most important thing to me. trust and loyalty and devotion and #im sorry but i would have exploded if i like. didn't write down these thoughts #anyways fucked up gay people who are a package deal and that is a threat thats them #ik the majority of my posts are hee hee funnie and i usually dont take things too seriously #but these two have taken up part of my brain permanently since i was 8. like. they just live there. rent free. #i am like rabid rn. i am feral and i am insane and i am crazy and there are so many things wrong with me #i cant even write down all my fuckin thoughts there's so many my brain is going to Explode pray for me #idk if u understand how important it is to me the times they show kindness even while at their worst #they're not good people but they have people they care about and they care abt each other and that matters SO much #i take 0 criticism on my posts i only take cash. however there is no possible criticism to be made bc i am RIGHT #also this all kinda sparked from me getting obsessed with a certain kh character who has a connection to the moon #who is also one of my favourite characters ever #and if u know who it is and u also like him ur very cool #im not tagging this w character tags. im like. very shy. but #i love gus i love spectra i love spectragus #anyways see u next time where i should hopefully have art maybe potentially #i found the brushes i used to use back when i did lineless art so i am rlly happy

[tropiyas]

I did the thing where you said someone's joke after them except louder but it was by ACCIDENT I literally did not register until it was too late

#too much my my brain was dedicated to coming up with a funny response that it couldn't flush the cache when I heard someone else say my joke

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: May 14

"Diamond on a Landmine” by Billy Talent

#song of the day #buckle up babes this one's a nice showcase of how my brain retains memories which is to say it's a long path to a close destination #in early 2011 when Leverage's season three had recently wrapped #one of my friends was writing a character study piece for Eliot with a partial focus on his toxic relationship with Damien Moreau #and they made a writing playlist for the fic that included this song #(and also 'Laughing with a Mouth of Blood' by St Vincent. absolutely killer song) #and I like the song but for whatever reason I never looked up anything else by Billy Talent #(I was at the time not spending so much time looking up new music but more just letting it come to me #in 2017 St Vincent came out with 'Los Ageless' and I was like oh I know her!! and I started paying attention to her albums #which is good because then in 2021 she released the Daddy's Home album which has 'Pay Your Way in Pain' /and/ 'The Melting of the Sun' #which are absolutely incredible tracks and my life would've been less without them) #and then today I saw a Call of Duty post with lyrics from Billy Talent's 'Afraid of Heights' #and I didn't recognize the lyrics so I went and pulled up the song as how I do #and as it played I was like. do I know this? no. I know something like this. what is it? #and at first I was convinced I'd just been listening to it but then why couldn't I place it? and then I realized I hadn't heard it recently #but I had been /thinking/ about something /related/ to it--which I had been. sort of. there's a Damien Moreau post queued for tomorrow-- #and then in Afraid of Heights the chorus was wrapping up #'you're the only one I'd follow til the end of time / if we fall we fall together baby don't think twice again' #and something clicked and I dragged 'Diamond on a Landmine' up out of the depths of my various-artists folder #it's a great song got an excellent build to it #'alone at last / I can't wait til we're alone at last / all I wanted was a second chance / a second chance / to hold you in my arms at last #and the visual of 'better watch your step / she's a diamond on a landmine' is fantastic #anyway! I made giant scotch eggs with my family's spicy sausage ball mix instead of the normal breading and they're amazing #a good day #two weeks into May already can you imagine

[youremyonlyhope]

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much. #but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this. #and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not. #and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine. #but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad. #because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that. #but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent. #and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried. #and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over. #i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.