#but i cant even begin to imagine being too poor to afford a book i like or not being able to travel around and see new things

[whywoulditho]

vent

#i've been so confused and sad lately #i'm supposed to decide what i want to do with my life this week and the problem is that i already know what i want to do #but i cant do it. because i need to make money somehow. and universities really dont give a fuck about your hopes and dreams and passions #i'm really just a kid. i'm just 17 for gods sake #it makes me angry how i have to go through this bullshit and lay on the kitchen floor and cry my eyes out for hours #i argue with my parents and myself and it doesn't solve anything #'dream big' 'you can do anything' shut the fuck up. stop lying to kids #stop giving them hope dreams passions when you're just gonna crush them as soon as they become young adults #i'm so full of hate. anger. i wish i wasnt alive i wish i didn't have to go through this. this is the worst time of my life so far #i know i should pick myself up. i know i need to start recovering from this but i dont feel like i want to #it already afternoon and i havent eaten anything #i didn't make my bed. i didn't brush my teeth. i didn't take my ocd meds. #i didn't talk to my friends and i've just deleted my insta acc so i cant #i'm scared. i'm so scared of hating what i become. i'm so scared of being stuck with a life i hate just because i made the wrong decision #part of me wants to believe it wont be the end of my life even if i do make the wrong decision #part of me knows its bullshit and i'm just foolimg myself because i know i will regret this for the rest of my life #i hate money. i hate life. i hate that i have to make money to make my way in life #i dont want a house or a car or fancy things #but i cant even begin to imagine being too poor to afford a book i like or not being able to travel around and see new things #like... everything is money. i cant imagine having to stay in the citt i grew up in just because i cant afford to go #i cant imagine it. it makes me wanna die #i want to be realistic about this #but i hate that i have to give up on everything i worked for and hoped for and dreamed of FOR YEARS for realism's sake #i... really need to clear my mind and stop being so dramatic about this #i'm scared. i regret staying alive long enough to see this day honestly #i wish i had died before all of this has ever begun to be part of my concerns #i wish it wasnt so hard. i wish it wasn't so scary #i think i need a coffee and my meds #sorry for the vent #please dont bother trying to help