#but i know it won't so it's just depressing as shit

[gguk-n]

Mission- Cheer up Logan

I've just had a sad dream with Logan in it and I told him how much I love him and how important he is after watching all the shit Williams and Vowles have been doing. I need this to heal myself. I hope it heals everyone rooting for Logan too

Summary- Literal Logan fluff.

Y/N didn't dislike many people and hate would be a strong word in her dictionary but right now James Vowles and the Williams racing team made her hate them with the tirade they had going against her poor boyfriend which was pissing her off; worst of all, it was affecting Logan. Her happy puppy of a boyfriend was lost. He would either be at work or looking lost and depressed at home. They no longer had witty conversations going on or Y/N teasing Logan any and every chance she got. He would barely smile at her at times. So, Y/N took it upon herself to make her Logan happy.

It was one of those days, the weather was bright and sunny, Logan didn't have to go to work and the previous GP may have been bad but it was slightly better. It was around 9 and they were still in bed. Y/N woke up to Logan 'asleep' at least he pretended to be. She knew him like the back of her hand and every time he acted like he was sleeping his eyes would be shut tight. This habit of his made her smile. She looked up at him while resting her palms against his chest.

Y/N POV

"Good morning, baby boy" I whispered followed by a kiss on the lip which was followed by a grunt and covering his face with the blanket. "Babe, we need to good shopping, we're out of everything." I emphasised. "You can do that alone" he said, still under the duvet. "Yes but you know I hate shopping alone and I wanna show off my super hot racer boyfriend to the world, come on." I said while pulling the covers off. His big blue eyes met mine and I pouted my lips. "I won't take long, I promise. Pinky promise." I exclaimed while holding out my pinky. "You're hurting my ribs, babe." came a strangled cry only to notice my elbow jabbing his ribs. I giggled while apologising and dragging him to the bathroom. We were dressed in 20 minutes and out the door. As Logan started the car, he looked at me and said, "The only reason you're taking me along is so that I can drive you there, right?" I was appalled at the accusation but replied with a smile, "one of the reasons, babe." I said. He laughed asking, "Couldn't you drive there yourself?" "Why would I do something when I have a pro who can do it for me." Logan shook his head. "I have the hottest formula 1 driver at my beck and call so am not even allowed to show him off; is an atrocity I say." dramatically sighing. Logan let out a big laugh, one I hadn't heard pass his lips in ages. It made my heart flutter and tears spring up in my eyes.

The car ride was filled with singing along to songs playing on the radio which we hadn't done in so long. It felt nice to be able to have my Logan back. The trip to the grocery store was uneventful. Once back, I made quick work of putting every thing away. I went back to Logan sat on the couch in the living room and made myself comfortable on his lap, "darling, what would you like for dinner?" He was pulled back from whatever thought he had as I sat on his lap, "Pizza and Pasta" He said. I looked him in the eyes and asked, "What about we go on a date?" Logan looked at me quizzically. "It could be a home date, like the good old days. We could cook together and then dress up to have dinner together. I even bought a few dresses I didn't get to show you." I elaborated.

Logan's POV

In all honesty I couldn't care what we did. I didn't really wanna go out and getting dressed just to eat at home was such a waste of time. But I couldn't say no, when her face was literally hoping for me to say yes. She kept looking at me expectantly and I didn't wanna let another person down, so I agreed. The way her face lit was better than winning any GP. She leaned in and gave me the sloppiest kiss and pulled me to the kitchen to help her cook. I would never say I could cook when Y/N did all the heavy lifting. "Baby boy, you look lost in thought. Is there another woman that is occupying your thoughts?" she said in a southern accent while placing both her arms around my shoulder and wrapping them around my neck. It made my breathe hitch; the effect this woman had on me even after so many years was shocking to say the least. I placed my hands on her waist and replied in an equally fake southern accent, "Darling, there ain't no woman worth my time when you're standing in front of me." "You better." she said while leaving multiple kissed on my face making me laugh. The cooking ended quiet quickly for two people; where one of them couldn't cook and the other kept violating ever health and safety protocol by kissing and touching the person next to them.

Y/N POV

We were almost done with dinner and I asked Logan to go dress up. I would get dressed just before plating the food in the guest room because I didn't want Logan to see the outfit I had planed for him. About 15 minutes later, Logan was back at the table and I left to get dressed. It took me only 20 minutes which was a record. I wore a black lacy mini-dress which barely covered my ass and tits at the same time but it made me look hot and that's all that mattered. I stepped out of the room to an eagerly waiting Logan.

Logan's POV

My mouth was on the floor when I saw what she was wearing. "You don't plan on wearing this out, do you?" I said and then quickly added, "If you did, I don't mind. I can fight but I need this image burnt into my retinas." I ogled. She giggled and walked towards me, "You can take it off, once dinner is over." She whispered in my ear. Dinner was done in record time. We headed to the bedroom so that I could hold her to her words.

While cuddling, Y/N said, "You know, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me." I cut her off because she was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Y/N shushed me, "Right now, I'm talking and you're gonna listen. I love you Logan Sargeant more than there are words that I can use to express myself. I'm so happy every day to wake up next to you and support you in achieving your dreams and aspirations. I hope you remember how good you are and deserve everything you've worked towards. A couple fuck ups don't undermine the talent and hard work that is Logan Sargeant. No matter what anyone says, you are the most handsome and talented driver that deserves to be in F1. Those assholes are blind to not be able to see your pure raw unfiltered talent. I love you baby boy." She finished her speech. There were tears in my eyes that had started flowing which Y/N wiped away with a kiss. I pulled her closer and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'm so lucky to have you. Thank you for sticking with me. I promise I won't let you down or let anyone make me feel like crap again." She smiled while drawing a heart on my back. We fell asleep wrapped in each others arms.

#logan sargeant #logan sargent x reader #logan sargent fluff #f1 x you #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #f1 fic #f1 fanfic #fluff #logan x reader

[rederiswrites]

Some of you will remember last year when I spent three and a half weeks bleeding to death via my uterus, which was cool and interesting and now I can write bloodloss more realistically but anyway. The upshot of that was that "sometimes that shit just happens we don't know; but it probably won't if you have this IUD plus hey, no babies, amirite?" And they were right about that so since I obviously wasn't getting any meaningful answers I got the IUD as a consolation prize.

So now I don't bleed during my period. BUT I do still get cramps and stomach distress as badly, sometimes worse. And mood disturbances considerably worse. Much. And for two or three days I just fucken sleep like the drugged. It just usually takes me a day or two of this to realize, each time, that I'm not dying and I'm probably not having a massive fibro or depression relapse, this is just modern medicine at its finest.

I did complain about the sleep to not one but two gynecologists, but they said there was no way the IUD could cause that so I guess the exact correlation is just a fascinating coincidence. Anyway, my stomach sounds like a pack of wolves in the distance and I hurt.

#this is ridiculous

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

#Mira rants #mira maunders #txt: personal #personal post #cw: dysphoria #cw: depression #cw: medical #sad brain hours #random mumblings #i'll be okay #i just had to get this off my chest

[thesmokinpossum]

...First Doja Cat starts dating an abuser and insulting her fans in the dumbest of ways and now Lizzo is getting sued for things that are both weird af and frankly quite disturbing, I don’t know what kind of drugs mainstream artists have access to but they really should stop that shit and stick to regular weed

#you know if i thought it would help people get over their parasocial fixation on pop stars it would be a thing #but i know it won't so it's just depressing as shit #seriously tho the lizzo allegations are just...bad #even if it's only partially true it's still just oof #anyway let this be your daily reminder that you don't know any of those people #appreciate their art all you want (i enjoy plenty of music) but remember that they're not your friends #and honestly...most people who manage to 'make it' in those type of industry are selfish at best and often straight up awful #you kinda have to be in order to survive in the toxic wasteland that the entertainment industry is #just a thing to think about before writing paragraphers to defend your favorite singer #also even if they're a pretty good person...they still wouldn't do it for you so eh

[tearlessrain]

seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing

#I fucking. missed d&d tonight by accident #I straight up forgot #and just didn't show up to the session #my sleep schedule is absolutely fucked #I should be sleeping now but brain won't shut up #my creative output is the lowest it's ever been and I've been in some level of depressive funk since like early january #I am just deeply unfathomably exhausted #like mentally and spiritually #all the time #my memory and sense of time are both shit #my spelling is worse than it used to be for some reason?? #I really don't know what to do to make my brain start functioning again it's frankly worrying me #I couldn't even handle college so it should come as no surprise that I'm reacting poorly to the world being a perpetual screaming trash fir #and yet #idk it's been hitting again lately that I have never succeeded at anything in my life and just keep tripping and falling up for some reason #fucking everyone is in hell right now and with my overall success rate I should be dead in a ditch but I'm actually doing spectacularly #due to a series of improbable accidents and weird circumstances that happened to turn out in my favor instead of completely fucking me #aside from the looming spectre of my various failed attempts to have some kind of life trajectory #it just doesn't feel like this can keep up forever #like surely at some point the luck has got to run out I can't just keep living like some kind of folkloric trickster archetype #but my motivation and sense of purpose kind of died after the last failed attempt so I'm still just here #doing whatever this is #maybe I should drive out to the coast #maybe staring at the ocean would fix me I've been away from it for too long #I mean it can't make me worse #I should wait until further into summer though so I don't have to drive back in the dark #everyone around here has trucks with those goddamn LED headlights and I've got a little sedan that's directly in their blast zone

[bootyful-seventeen]

i am too mentally exhausted to even deal with this shit anymore with my mom and grandma and low key wish i'd go comatose for a few years to be left alone tbh

#had a clean up service come by to see the damage and give a quote on the estimate and my grandma wasnt having it #she got upset and started crying to them about she has only 1 daughter and is trying to help her and they're trying to tell her that keepin #all that junk isn't gonna be helping anyone especially my mom but she wasn't getting it and i said i'm not helping clean the junk that's #all around the house cuz i'm tired of it all and having to manage my emotions since i am for sure emtotionally stunted from my childhood #and have to deal with a schitzophrenic mom and an absent sister who's balls deep in denial while i'm struggling to find a job here #and my grandma always stressing me ot saying she's gonna kick me out isn't fucking helping here at all like she thinks it does #so when they left she spent all day sobbing on the phone how i'm a terrible granddaughter who wants to throw out good stuff #when i'm not gonna keep helping sell shit for my mom cuz my sister can do it as her family contribution since she did nothing since dad die #and the thing is i gave them all options on clearing shit out cuz i know this family by now and shit doesn't get tossed but it migrates #cuz i said months ago i can ask some friends if they could come down and help sort and declutter #grandma said no to that and said she'll kick me out if i do it and she didn't want to pay for my mom's shit to get moved into a storage uni #she leaves the clean up to my mom and i think the backyard got worse but she didn't call anyone to throw out the junk like she threatened t #so i call a fucking hoarders clean up service cuz that's what my family is on my mom's side at this point and the city will be called too #and she has this reaction cries all day and calls everyone to say i'm horrible and yells at me saying i'm the one killing her with stress #when she's already been doing that for months to herself when i'm just tired and possibly mildly depressed or something idk #i barely leave my room and don't go outside except to walk my dog but idk cuz my family's attittude was we don't go to doctors cuz #cuz they're for crazy people but of course it's gotta switch up for my mom and no one else and i'm just sick of it all #grandma doesn't accept free help and she won't accept help that i pay for myself with my money set aside for school so i'm done #unlike her when i say i'll do something i stick to it so i'm not doing shit anymore unless i can call a friend to help with this mess #it's gonna sound like such a horrible thing but i can't wait for my family to die so i can live in a clean home again and get help #like deep serious help cleaning and big time grief councelling cuz i barely had time to process my dad's death and being the one to find hi #and that was just this february like god i am going to need so much fucking therapy in my future it's almost rediculous #and probably say screw my mom's side and visit my dad's side a lot more since they seem to be the normal ones in this shit family tree #at least they're not stupid and leave junk everywhere where one neighbour getting sick of not being able to sit outside and enjoy their yar #without mountains of junk staring them right in the face and landing a notice from the city to clean up especially since #we have chainlink fences and at least 7 neighbours can see the backyard and everyone can see the front porch when passing by #i'm just tired of living in these suffocating households and even wanna file a report myself to kick them into gear #its horrible living like this and no one should live surrounded by junk and things they never use or even garbage

[dani-the-goblin]

.

#i already posted this in my personal group chat but the only person who's responded so far is my sibling #and I'd really like to hear from someone outside of “people who benefit from telling me nice things” #because yeah its probably still true but my brain won't listen #anyway #I'm probably (definitely) spending too much time on the Internet and suffering from some crazy depression #but regardless #I'm feeling like shit about my writing and it's created a negative motivation loop #I keep seeing people churn out work that's 5 to 10x longer than what I post #Some people I'm seeing do that daily #and I can barely post one or two things a month. #It's been making me feel like shit that I just can't seem to do that. #I know part of it just isn't my style #and I usually love that my work is easier to read #but i thought that would get me more engagement and i guess I was wrong #plus when all you see is negative feedback on *literally that style* and getting no positive feedback at all #it's a real fucking killer.

[draco-renn]

Man. All I do these days is fail to meet expectations and then get upset at myself for failing to meet those expectations. This sucks.

#the dragon sings his songs #blowing out smoke #i'm supposed to be taking this break from my course as an opportunity to do the things I've been meaning to do and I've just been rotting— #—in bed on my phone and sleeping in and jacking off like i hardly even get up to eat or go to the bathroom #side note i know this is a textbook sign of depression and burnout (comma) most likely both (comma) but who in my Chinese family is going— #—to believe that? def not mom who'll just scream at me for not sucking it up and pushing through it and not dad who won't do shit #my grandparents might believe me but there's a language barrier on mom's side plus 公公 seems to think I'm the perfect infallible capable— #—[granddaughter] and I can't bear to break his heart with the truth #and then on dad's side they'll probably be sympathetic but everything i tell them makes its way back to my parents and that'll just result— #—in ont huge blowup that'll drive another wedge between mom and dad. and I mean PLEASE hurry up and get divorced but I also don't want 爺爺— #—and 嫲嫲 to get caught in the crossfire #plus I'm supposed to be helping them esp now that 爺爺 is running out of time as an active able-bodied person but instead of doing that I— #—spent all day in bed. which is not helping my guilt and shame on top of everything else i have to deal with (comma) let alone his workload #today's such a nice sunny beautiful day too which makes me feel even worse for not even going for a walk or anything #it's still light out so i could but sunk cost fallacy is kicking my ass plus i have Mandarin class kn a couple hours #and k know it's a couple HOURS but I'd have to get dressed and set a timer and everything and just the thought is so overwhelming that I— #—just can't. i'd ask to be institutionalized if it wasn't for the rampant ableism in the mental health field plus the fact that— #—institutionalization is just an extension of incarceration #if only the people who have power over me would just listen and actually take care of me so i wouldn't have pushed myself to this point

[ervona]

it worries me how bad I am at art considering what I'm studying. but I'm genuinely not very good at anything else either so you know... 👍 that's a worry for another day. I might improve though I haven't improved in years it's possible

#if anyone has any kind of advice just shoot. i know i'm not the only person struggling but i'm very bad at whatever i do #i'm too depressed to draw most days and when it looks like shit i just don't want to bother. but i'll never improve that way. yeah... #i am just really scared for my future once i graduate i know i won't be able to do anything i am 'qualified' for because i'm not good #i'm so scared and i have made so many bad decisions in life leading me up to this point. i feel like i've completely ruined my life

[yardsards]

adulthood is just visiting ur friends, saying "damn bitch, you live like this?" (affectionate) and aggressively helping them clean up while they politely tell you that you don't have to do that. and then having friends do that to you when they visit your apartment.

#eliot posts #one of my friends often does not make his bed and sleeps on a bare-ass mattress so i INSIST on at least putting a fitted sheet on #(and then normally just fully make the bed too bc might as well) #i tell him to ''stop rawdogging the mattress''/''put some protection on that nasty thang'' #bc i of course must use the most cursed language available #it only takes like 5 minutes to do and is very worth it #and then i have this second friend who takes this to a whole nother level #he does my dishes every time he visits and lemme tell you. the dish situation around here gets DIRE. #he did like 4 sinkfulls when he was here last #and motivated me to clean the rest of the kitchen while he did that #it took like an hour and we ran out of hot water #but WAY faster than if i had tried to handle that shit alone #and we had fun and jammed to 80s music #another person i'm only loose friends with but i helped her clean a ton of trash from her dorm last time i visited #bc she was on the tail end of a depressive episode and i KNOW how that is #this only works w certain kinds of cleaning tho. you can't tidy up/organize other ppl's shit‚ for example #bc you don't know where anything is supposed to go and you'll likely make things more difficult in the end #amd it just requires you to handle all their personal belongings and open their drawers and shit #and there's a 90% chance that'll make them uncomfortable and like you're violating their space #but shit like dishes is generally very much fair game and won't make them uncomfortable #tho sometimes you gotta ask if there's a specific way they like their dishes washed bc some ppl are picky abt that #ANYWAY #is it obvious my love language* is acts of service? #*(tho the 5 love languages thing is a VAST over-simplification and things are not actually clear cut like that)

[muskpunk]

when eating doesn't make brain stop being Bad: uh oh

#so defeating every time I run down the Body Needs And Coping Skills checklist and noooooothing fucking works ♥️ #I'm sick of fucking wallowing! can I please move on with my night! can I do or feel literally anything else! #I want to cave my own fucking skull in dude I'm not even sad anymore I'm just frustrated as fuck #and fed up with having to choose between being pissed off or too depressed to move #I need something to change SO SO desperately and I know that but I can't DO anything about it #I don't even feel like there's a point to saying any of this #I won't even remember in the morning probably. I hope I don't fucking wake up as myself #cause I fucking want out too #can't give a shit about any of this anymore. sorry for not breaking down quietly or whatever #it's in or out and in is 'not helping' so out it is #not that i can even do that with my whole chest lol. not that theres any relief in this but to wear myself out enough to maybe sleep #so someone else can deal with it in the morning #and delete this and go back to being so so quiet #like always. #but at least im calling it out for once lol #more than the rest of us ever fucking do.

[mainfaggot]

tw eating disorder talk, pt.2 to the last post in the tags (once again, no mention of numbers that could be triggering, just a heartfelt rant bc I've been so afraid of talking about these things on here, but i really just need to get everything out bc . I feel crazy)

#so basically it was bad. this past summer the relapse was so sugarcoated in the sense that #i was telling myself it was fine. it didn't look the same as it did at my very worst #it didn't even feel the same #but it wasn't fulfilling either. it was stressful. it was exhausting. i was using my anorexia as a way to distract from having depression #i needed to feel a sense of achievement and i got it! but at the cost of my physical health #and my mental health was all over the place like less depressed sure. but way more anxious #it was weird. because even now i have to tell myself it wasn't okay. it wasn't fine. it's not worth it it's not WORTH IT #part of me keeps romanticizing it bc i was so in control and i was still working a little and still functioning in a socially acceptable way #but i know how much anxiety it gave me on a daily basis. only i know how my body ached and how low i felt from my immunity going to shit #only I know what it's like to have horrible circulation and constant weakness #no one else will live my life for me #I'm sure there are people who can live the way i was. im sure there are people who thrive like that #but they only thrive for a short time before it all comes crashing fown #and it's not worth the comparison bc when im suffering theyre not going to help me out!!!!! #when im struggling with the weight of it all. the people that promote tiny little portions and academic excellence with no room for #self compassion #they're not going to nurse me back to health #i won't feel a sustained sense of satisfaction from restricting and studying until i pass out from exhaustion. I've done that before #perfectionism is a parasite and this is a disease. it's a fucking mental illness and it's not even about vanity for me like thats just a #fraction of it #anyway #z.post

[born-to-lose]

According to 6 different serious health/psychology pages I have BPD, do you think that means I should see a therapist?

#i've been thinking about the possibility for a while but never looked up symptoms because i was scared #and now it's starting to get out of hand so i finally did even though i originally didn't want to be officially diagnosed #for various reasons like the stigma in society and my health insurance knowing so all my future doctors will go back to their #'it's only psychological stop being so dramatic you're not actually sick' shit and invalidating me and my health problems in the past #some of them straight up refused to write a sick note for school when i actually had the flu back in 8th grade #so that's one reason why i don't want any mental illnesses to appear in my medical record #plus the cost factor because i'm not sure if the insurance would even cover everything but i might end up paying for it myself #if it means the health insurance won't be informed even if it's probably a lot of money #but in order to get therapy i need to get diagnosed by a professional so once i read into it a bit more i'll figure out how to tell my mom #and see if i'll call this one therapist in my town who apparently treats psychosomatic disorders #i'm sincerely sorry to everybody i've talked to recently (aside from casual fandom chatting) who may have noticed me behaving kinda shitty #advice is greatly appreciated because this hit me like a train and i don't fucking want this. like at all #i thought my switching between depressed and anxious and angry and empty and hyper was just. idk something else but not That #mel talks

[hooved]

i know everyone's told me to rest because i'm sick but i just can't. it doesn't feel right. i need to do everything i can rn because i'm scared that any second we'll be told to get out NOW

#there's a lot of legal shit going on so i'm really unsure when exactly we'll have to leave #my mom keeps telling me to pack an overnight bag just in case and i know she's right but there's other things i need to do first #plus i'm not leaving my computer here. i'm just not. i can't. it's my most important possession. it keeps me sane if you can call it that #i need to get everything else ready before finishing getting my ''i need these with me at all times'' stuff ready #because so much shit is in the way like i still need to take out trash and do more laundry #and get more things that have already been in boxes forever out of here. also the closet door is stuck so that's a problem #i don't even care about most of the shit in my closet like i know there's stuff from my childhood in there but i don't remember what #other than that it's junk. and decorations i bought for an eventual apartment but when the fuck is that even gonna happen #i know i'm sitting here doing nothing rn as i'm typing this but i'm like mentally stuck on what to do next without my mom's help #and she's not here rn. plus there's some dude that her shitty ex is letting stay downstairs rn ? for some reason ? #and i just don't feel comfortable leaving the room to get food or take out trash or change out the laundry. it's just weird #plus i'm sick and he has a weak immune system and like. i dunno i don't wanna be responsible for that #anyway sorry i'm rambling. i know it's understandable at a time like this but i just feel bad that this is all i'm talking about rn #i'm just so fucking depressed and stressed and tired and i've barely eaten anything for the past few days #i can't even have fun or talk to any friends like i normally do. my brain won't let me and it just doesn't feel right. i can't be happy rn #for even a second. it's just not the right time. there's nothing to be happy about. i have no hope at this point that things will work out

[medicinemane]

As always, if you wonder why I don't talk about certain current events but do others, a lot of it comes down to whether I think it's something that other people are talking about a lot

If it's something where I figure you're going to be well informed and need a break, I tend to keep it to a minimum on here cause you already know

If it's something I rarely see talked about, then I'm more likely to mention it

World's bad, we're all doing what we can, I know people have said to me before they appreciate me more keeping to cats and frogs and random stuff, so I mostly try to do that, but... in the end I just kinda share whatever my brain decides to share

Want to give my thought process though

#and in this case it's a matter of that Syria really does feel forgotten and I won't deny I often forget too #but with the stuff that's going on right now I really prefer to when I can be reblogging stuff that has something at least a bit actionable #stuff that says where you can donate to give aid via reputable sources... that's what I like to try and focus on #but yeah... man; only place I really ever tend to see Syria mentioned is in Ukrainian circles #so that's why I wanted to highlight that one #man I wish I could do more in the world #so many people suffering and... and... well; and I can't do shit about it and that sucks #just keep trying to slowly get things together around here; and trying to slowly be able to help more and more people #and just hope that if you help people; it'll make them want to help people like they were helped #and maybe if enough of us get stable ground under our feet and know how it was to be helped... maybe some day we can collectively help enou #...try to avoid making things feel hopeless with my posts; cause things certainly feel hopeless #so I try to... try to focus on the good and what can be done to fix things as much as possible #want to keep people in the fight to try and make things better; not drain them by posting nothing but the bleakness of the world #things will never be right; those who've died can't be saved and we've failed them forever #which is all the more reason we can't give up and have to keep trying to make things better #because if we can never make things right; then the least we can do is try and make things better in the future #to at least stop adding to the list of people we'll never be able to fix things for #...something like that #it's bleak and I'm depressive anyway; but show must go on; you know? #so that's my thoughts here #I just feel the need to explain it sometimes; because people have a way of making assumptions #that if you don't talk about something you don't care #no... that's not it; I care; I just don't want to burn people out #and you can say they shouldn't burn out but I try to deal in practicalities and descriptivism; and people can be burned out #rather keep them in the fight to make the world better #so if there's a situation... like the George Floyd protests; that was another one where I didn't post much on it #cause we all knew... we all were paying attention and... I just figured people needed space #...I'm sad... sad more police reforms and accountability couldn't get pushed though but... at least we got something #...and I'm not gonna act like I'm some front line fighter when it comes to justice #I barely can deal with my own shit; I'm not saying I'm worth a damn thing in any cause

[mako-island-moon-pool]

You want to know how bad my memory is?

I was writing last night and I just straight up forgot that Sanji exists. I have been watching this show since 2012, he was my fave Strawhat outside of Luffy pre-TS, and I FORGOT HE EXISTED.

I was like 'hm yes well the ones who would understand are Nami and Robin... W- wasn't there one more I was thinking of a moment ago? Wasn't there another one who'd Get It?????'

'it's not Chopper. Definitely not Usopp. And it's not Zoro. That's all the remaining Strawhats at this point in the story. So... Why am I convinced I'm forgetting someone? Let's go through the arcs in my head agai- OH MY GOD, I FORGOT SANJI'

#When I tell you my memory is shit... 😭 I used to own a Sanji shirt. What the fuck?? #When that post about the memory issues finally leaves my queue #Like I joke about it but this shit can be genuinely terrifying. Like knowing my brain is getting worse. Knowing I'm probably forgetting #Seriously important things and just 'oops I can't remember haha' #It's scary. #I'll never get better because I'll just relive the pain over and over because my brain refuses to remember the help and progress I make #Every day I wake up back at step 1 it's so depressing and scary and horrifying and I hate it #I can never process anything bc I just forget and if I do remember it's like a punch to the chest for the first time every time #And people get SO sick of you after a while. Constantly asking for help. Never remembering anything. They get so annoyed with you. #Anyway. On a lighter note (not actually) I'm trying out a new one-shot :) #Not to speak ill of the 'soon-to-be' dead but Garp was a shit grandfather #So I was like What If Me And Luffy Had The Same Reaction #Because self love starts in recognizing your self through the other god damn it #Even if I finish this idk if I'll post it bc of how personal it is but it has been very cathartic to write #Then again I could just publish it anonymously so my irl friends won't see it. No harm no foul. #I (kid) once pushed my mom (grown adult) out of my room when she caused me to have a meltdown so I could 100% see Luffy doing the same thin #In my defense she had a habit of taunting me and destroying my stuff to punish me after inciting meltdowns and I just wanted to be alone #I was like 7 years old at the time (hell year hell year) so I doubt I actually hurt her. She just looked surprised. I remember that. #Sometimes I wonder why I identify so much with werewolves and then I remember ah yes. The childhood of being treated like a monster. #Like a freak because when people kept pushing your boundaries you'd rather bite than let them do whatever they want to you #Oh boo hoo such a terrible thing for a child to be... Protective of themselves... #ANYWAY. like I said this wasn't going to be much lighter. #I want Luffy to punch the lights out of Garp to protect his friends. Not even in-canon just in this fic #Ik in-canon Garp is a complex guy and loads of fans love him but... Smash eggs make sandwiches know what I'm saying? #Yeah GROOVY