#but its not the same. i need ppl irl. physically sharing a space with me

[piplupod]

i dont understand when people say that when you are depressed all you want to do is isolate yourself, because while yeah sure I've experienced that to some degree, most of the time I would love to be around someone but I don't have anyone who actually cares or wants to help. all the people around me are unsafe. i dont have anybody who would just sit with me, who would listen and care, who would spend time with me without judging me badly for being unwell. i Want to be around someone who cares, but I don't have that, so I end up isolating to try to protect myself from further hurt while I'm already down and hurting.

#i do have a couple ppl online mind you #but its not the same. i need ppl irl. physically sharing a space with me #i dont know #everything hurts really bad today. i haven't felt this low maybe ever #actually no there was one time before now i can remember feeling this low for this long fjfkdl when new meds gave me dangerous side effects #no new meds this time! just a continuously growing pile of trauma and exhaustion and winter #i wish there was someone who cared and wanted to help. i just want to be in the same room as somebody else for a while #its so fucking stupid that that's too much to ask for. everything hurts a lot today #i just want to not be here fjgklf im tired and hurting and nothing is helping #I've tried so many things today to help and none of it is working #but i dont even have last resort coping bc of the holidays and arms will be visible at some points probably #so i have to stay clean but god. god. idk this is... not good. i wish i knew how to fix this #i just want to sit in the same room as someone even. just for like an hour. 30 mins. I'd even take 10 mind #mins* #but ... i dont have anyone who is safe and who cares. god this is so so sucks

[spikeinthepunch]

man i hate that i feel like i can never answer to direct PMs like for some reason i am technically better in a server? (a small one. like 30 people or less and even then, only a handle full active at a time) but its more like, if others start up conversation i can jump in a little. or i can say something short and random and other ppl start more talk and maybe more ppl come in which allows me to kinda now focus on having to make all the talk ya know.

i think its not uncommon to feel this way of course-- but i think people IRL dont realize how actually hard it is to keep online friendships. you *have* to make contact. you have to message to keep it up. whatever form that is. but IRL you can just Be around. you can exist in the same place without the whole big need to converse online to remember your friend exists at all. there is no shared physical space online where you can quietly be present with a person. it takes some energy to stay connected and close to online friends imo