#caretaker trying to be supportive but finding the scope of their trauma hard to believe without proof | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

someonesingingalong · 6 years

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let it go

let the ashes fall, forget about me

It’s complete chaos at first. Sudden gasps followed by hushed murmurs spread throughout the crowd. Some players lunge forward shouting urgent requests. Trainers and medical staff spill onto the field before there’s even a sound of a whistle, not that such a sound could be heard amidst the shuffling of feet and emphatic conversations.

A solid ten minutes pass and it’s hard to believe that the stadium everyone currently occupied was the very same one just moments ago. It’s so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. The crowd falls silent, but their expressions speak volumes. Players are huddled in various places on the field. Trainers and medical staff have doubled, equipment included.

Kelley doesn’t care if she’s in the way. She’s appalled by the subtle noise level in the stadium because to her, it’s so freaking loud. All she can hear is Hope and the piercing cry that she let out as she grasped her shoulder and fell to the ground. That noise continues to vibrate every fiber of Kelley’s being. She didn’t even know it were possible for someone to make such a noise, full of immense pain, and she knows she never wants to hear it again.

She feels a pair of hands on her shoulders, but she doesn’t budge. She can’t move, not now. She watches until she begins to feel sick, and finally gives in to being lifted from her knees and gently guided away. As Alex carefully lead her away, Kelley can’t help but notice Carli and Becky walk by, taking her place from before. They finally come to a stop and Alex hands her a water bottle. She takes one sip before pouring the rest down her neck, shocking her back to focus and washing away the trauma. No one’s really into the game after that.

Kelley’s the first to sprint off the field at the final whistle. When she runs through their locker room and reaches the training center, she instantly recognizes the signs telling her that things aren’t quite right.

The first sign is no sign at all. Hope’s nowhere to be found. Normally, she’s on her feet, holding an ice pack against her shoulder and telling the trainers that it’s really not a big deal. She’s usually convincing them that she’ll be brand new in no time and that it was a mistake to have taken her out of the game. She’s well spoken and forward, clearly pushing limits- partly because she thinks it’s fun and partly because she’s so damn good at it.

But not this time. Kelley stands in an empty room until she hears voices coming from a private medical bay just down the hall. She impatiently waits to the side, tuning in to caretakers whispering remarks and observations beyond her scope. She notices their entire medical team disperse and exit the bay- thankfully, because she wasn’t going to wait another second before going in. But just before she takes another step, she pauses. What she sees in front of her brings her to an immediate halt. Hope lays still on the examining table and despite her presence, Kelley’s never seen her look so small.

The second sign is visible in the tears that brim Hope’s eyes, eclipsing their usual shine. It’s indicative of a storm brewing against a bright blue sky. Only once has Kelley ever seen Hope cry, and even then, she pretends it never happened.

The third sign follows shortly. It’s in the way Hope hesitates as she opens her mouth, like she’s paralyzed by fear itself. She swallows bravely, but the beginning of her sentence falters from the heavy emotion plaguing each other.

“I…I can’t…”

Kelley inches impossibly closer., but she holds back because she’s not sure how to react. They’ve never been a situation like this before, so helpless. She eventually settles for moving a couple stray stands of Hope’s hair to the side, an act of care and comfort at its best. She stares, yet Hope fails to make contact with her. She’s too busy concentrating on staring up at the ceiling, and Kelley knows it’s to prevent any more tears from escaping. It’s Hopes way of hiding her pain and at first, Kelley wishes that Hope would just let go in front of her- succumb to the pain because she has every right to- but as soon as she does, Kelley’s not sure if she can endure it any longer. Hope’s body shakes from the tears and her voice trembles as she so bravely admits the truth.

“I-I can’t f-feel m-my arm.”

Time stops.

Kelley’s lightheaded. Thoughts bounce freely from what if to what if. Opportunities are shot down. Possibilities build them back up. Staff bark orders over phones. Footsteps of teammates create a stampede in the hallways. Sirens are closer and louder.

The future changes each second.

Time picks up where it left off.

“I can’t feel my arm.”

Hope repeats again and again, with each time becoming more concrete than before. It only makes things more real- so real that Kelley’s done staring at the hauntingly still limb hanging loosely at Hope’s side and decides to grasp her other arm, the one fortunate enough not to be plagued by years of aches and multiple surgeries. Kelley intertwines their fingers because it’s the easiest and only puzzle she knows how to solve in that moment.

Hope feels her. She grips so hard that her knuckles turn white. She feels Kelley and she holds on tight. She holds on to support, security and every little bit of normal she might have left.

“Hope? Where is she?! Hope!”

His voice booms over everyone.

“Where is my wife? Where is she? Hope?!”

Kelley knows it’s him. She recognizes his voice instantly; it’s not one she easily forgets. She immediately lets go of Hope’s hand, severing their connection. She falls back into the lone chair in the corner of the room, lowering her head. She can’t bear to watch, even if Hope needs her more than ever in this moment. It’s the first time in their secret affair that she’s selfish.

Everything in front of her swirls into a blur. Kelley does everything in her power to tune it all out, but his voice carries. It’s full of worry and concern, as it should be. She’s suffocated by his presence until it comes time for her to leave. Family members only. Kelley lifts her head, her own tears teasing to steal the show. She meets Hope, whose head is turned to her.

Her eyes offer a glazed compassion before she’s wheeled away.

The chaos begins to dissipate and settle. Everyone seems to mind their own business, falling into their post match routine. Kelley returns to the locker room, showers, and packs her belongings. They all pile onto the bus and return to their hotel, only for Kelley to settle in the discomfort of the lobby. She plants herself on one of the couches with her phone in her lap. She looks at it restlessly, willing it to light up with some news. She doesn’t even know why she does. There won’t be an update, at least not for her.

“Hey.”

Kelley’s startled out of her obsession over her small device and looks up. Her friend greets her gently.

“Some of us have plans to go out later tonight. Want to come with?” Alex informs her. Kelley shakes her head and Alex presses again, “You sure? We’re just going to grab some food.”

“Not hungry.” Kelley murmurs.

Alex sighs and sits down next to her friend. She places a hand on her shoulder and says, “I know you’re worried. We all are.” She pauses in hopes that Kelley might speak, but receives silence in return. She continues, “I spoke to the trainers. They don’t believe it’s permanent and mentioned something about the pinching of nerves. I know you want to wait for news, but perhaps going out tonight will take your mind off things and-”

“I said I’m not interested!” Kelley cuts her off, abruptly distances herself from Alex’s comforting hand. It’s clear she’s not in the mood to talk.

“But Kelley…” Alex says her name with good intention, trying her best to show her support. She almost opens her mouth again, but when Kelley finally turns and looks her straight in the eye, Alex can’t find her words. She notices Kelley’s features etched with frailty and weakness, and she backs down. Kelley’s pleading with her in a clarity she’s never seen before. Don’t you understand? Don’t you see?

Alex nods and leaves, but only momentarily as she finds her way back. Kelley’s about to object, but Alex beats her with a stern voice. “We’re going for a walk.”

Kelley trudges behind her, but not without making sure her phone is secured in her pocket. She gives in because she doesn’t feel like fighting with such a small amount of energy, but as soon as the evening air hits her face, she gains an ounce of strength. She keeps up with Alex as they walk side by side, aimlessly. Alex understands that she doesn’t want to talk, but more than anything she wants Kelley to know that she’s there if she needed her. They aren’t more than two blocks from the hotel when Kelley stops dead in her tracks. She can’t bear it any longer. She hates not knowing. She hates feeling restricted. She hates being without her.

“If I go, I won’t be allowed to see her.” Kelley finally opens up, “But if I don’t go, I’m going to lose it.”

“I’m sure you could find a way to be let in and visit her.” Alex tries to reassure her, “If she’s still in the hospital by the end of the week, the whole team plans on going as well.”

“But I need to see her now.” Kelley crosses her arms, tucking herself away from all the uncertainty and anxiety. “When she needs it the most. I have to see her and tell her that it’s going to be alright. I can feel how scared and helpless and small she is. I can just feel her, Alex.”

Alex watches her friend crumble before her, barely managing to get any other words out. There’s a fierceness to Kelley’s tone that makes her realize that this is so much more than the injury itself. A lot of people had their suspicions, but Alex would bet her entire life savings on the two of them. Hope meant a lot to Kelley, and whether she knew it or not, it was destroying the younger woman nevertheless.

Alex doesn’t know what else to do but to bring her friend in for a tight embrace. Kelley breaks, her words muffled, “Alex, I’m not allowed.” She speaks louder with devastation, revealing the cruel reality she lived in. “I’m not allowed to be with her.”

Not another minute go by before Alex calls a ride and they’re on the way to the hospital. She leads Kelley to the waiting room for a forced kind of closure, but it’s as far as they can go. It’s the one thing he couldn’t deprive Kelley of, just being there in support. Kelley feels guilty for making this suddenly about her, but this thing between them can’t be contained. It never could be. When you love someone, you can’t help but wish to take all their pain away. You’d do anything for them- and Kelley’s not allowed to do that, to be what she wants to be, for Hope right now. It frustrates her to no end that she’s so deprived, that she can’t do the one thing that every human being on this earth is entitled to: love.

#let it go #james bay #my fics

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