#days are full of cramming to get this diploma fucking done 12 am is full of yearning

[derelictdumbass]

lays in bed face down thinking about hurt comfort and sobbing uncotrollably into my pillow

#nadine is typing... #LISTEN. SHUT UP #listen. #it's only at 12 am that my mind can come up with these banger ouchies specifically catered to me #this always happens after I make violent Dean content I gotta go all what if he just yearns to be soft and gentle and loved #and what if he's always on the edge of snapping bc Joseph is always offering him the peace he craves so deeply #what if we wants to stop fighting bc he's been fighting since he was born and he's tired #that's one of the reasons his and Jacob's dynamic drives me feral bc like #they are both survivors who have been fighting since forever and they will kill to protect themselves and their family #but Dean got to be soft for a while. he got to enjoy normal life while Jacob was off doing his Hannibal arc #and Jacob just brings all that repressed anger and survival instinct out in Dean during the reaping #he pushes him to the extreme and is trying to morph him into the part of him he hates most #which is in stark contrast to Joseph trying to break him down to be docile and pliant #they rlly fuck each other over with their very diff plans for Dean lmao #meanwhile John and Faith are just in the bg having emotionally intense moments with Dean that are entirely too vulnerable and fragile #tired rambling anyway the hurt/comfort is Joseph/Dean themed tonight and I think they should kiss #I think Dean should get to crumble and break into tiny pieces and cling to Joseph like he's a lifeline #a very unstable lifeline that is actually dragging him further underwater but still :) #days are full of cramming to get this diploma fucking done 12 am is full of yearning