#dude ive never ever had turmoil over colors like this... !

[skunkes]

tried coloring it

#a doodley #dude ive never ever had turmoil over colors like this... ! #i wish my colored doodles looked as good as the lines by themselves.... #the contrast between em really is fucking me up. and making me not want to color doodles at all #which is the opposite of what i need rn...! #anyway i think i do want him to keep his original brown eyes when he's fed #it....adds to it. da symbolism... #he doesn't wear lipstick when he's fed and he usually wears a mask but i need all the face drawing practice i can get esp when it comes to #full bodies....alas

[seniorfuzzypollo]

Complicated

So, it’s been a while since I’ve used this. Doesn’t bowed well if I’m back on here using this. So uh, my dads okay. He was sent back to Mexico to only be kidnapped by a gang called the “coyotes” we paid them off to let him go. Ive been single for a while. Me and Charlie didn’t work out. Probably for the best though, in the end I lost feelings and they didn’t understand theirs. I have some friends. We talk on discord a lot and I have coworkers who invite me to stuff so that’s cool. It’s weird how normal my life seems. Yet again..I caught feelings for someone and that doesn’t end well usually. She’s dating someone already but the dudes no good, sure I might be bad but at least I don’t shove people to the ground if “they’re in the way” in front of their friends. That’s just me tho what do I know huh?

So here’s the bad or sad part of the thing. One morning my mother woke me up and told me to call the cops. There was a dog hanging from a tree in the neighbors backyard. I called the police and after I went to yard, hopped the fence and I knew as soon as I saw her she was dead. She was just dangling there. Rigor Mortis was already set in. I held her for what seem like an hour. Just holding her corpse. My mother crying in the back. Her sister was just sitting there beside us. The cops came finally and cut her down. I filled out a witness report and they said someone must have intentionally did it. We thought originally it strangled itself on its own collar but. No. I took a shower that same morning and tried to wrap my head around it. It haunted me for days. How could someone do that? Is this what death really is? So much turmoil in my head I couldn’t handle it. We don’t let our dogs go outside alone anymore.

I got high once, like really high. I couldn’t move. When I tried to it felt like my skin was a shell. I’d move and it would break and reassemble over and over. When I spoke I would scream in my head but whisper quietly. Sounds became so much better, like a vibrating hug. It also broke my guard. I cried. I cried about everything, my father almost dying once, how I can’t be my own person, about how I failed you. I remember telling you, that I could help you, you could live with us, that you wouldn’t have to live over there, that I’d get a job, that It doesn’t matter what if have to do because I’d do what I have to if it meant you could be here. But we had that fight. It was over and funny enough a month after I got a job. Also funny I was fired a month after, not related just thought that’d make you laugh. But when I told you those things I really did mean it, I did look for jobs, I didn’t care at all, I wanted to do all I can. Was it out of the wrong reasons? I don’t know. You said you were aromantic, that you don’t love or had any intentions during that time to do so but I saw the text saying you were falling for me again and I thought that maybe it could work, that after years on our own journeys we could come to an understanding. News flash, it didn’t happen. It’s a good thing though. What would actually happen? It’s so bizzare I belived it all that it’s actually funny to think about it.

Which brings up to now. Me here now currently at 3:14 AM. Someone told me I should talk to you. That it would help me, to move on and get closure. To let go and just move on. Truth is I’m scared. I still hold on to these memories cause they’re really one of the few things that makes me happy. Just flickers of small chats, remembering the kittens, mittens cause their paws were built different but that’s okay cause he’s dope. But I know it also comes with the bad memories too, like that one time the security pulled me and you away cause people thought it was WAY worse then it was and to be fair we made it look like a drama movie. I know it’s not healthy to keep these memories but I don’t know if I’m ready to be completely alone. I don’t think I’ve ever hated you. It’s not by choice either I just don’t see why I would hate you. I understand why you’d hate me though. I wasn’t be best boyfriend or even friend for that matter. Point is, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. I mean it with every fiber of my being. Do I still have feelings for you, it’s complicated. I’d love to have a drink with you and talk, but there’s also times I wish you never told me I smell like the color blue. I just wanna say I’m happy how much you’ve done. Idk a lot but you sure do and if you take anything from this I need you to know I don’t hate you, if you want to block me that’s fine, but don’t pretend that you’ve never checked on me too. Do you think, that if we actually spoke again I’d be on the same page as you. That I can actually understand you for who you are. And you understand me? I’ve grown through these years and each interaction we’ve had you’d change a way I’d think on things. You’re such an influence to this day still. I’m sorry I’m rambling so much.

It’s hard for me to see exactly where the hell i went wrong.

You probably don’t even give a shit about my dumb songs

But it makes me feel heard and let’s me be honest with you

I like the made up thoughts I have about you, even when they’re not true

And I know it’s not right and frankly the expiration date is past due

Yet I still believe that maybe, just maybe there’s gonna be a day

A day where maybe my dreams will become true

Like a dumbass fairy tale we could always get booze

But for now I just gotta write this dumbass letter

And hope I don’t get a return to sender.