#geeleeyan

[arcticjilliandreams]

Totally forgot I can post photos here. Hey tumblr, this is my face. I still don't know who I am though, so quit asking me to talk about myself.

EDIT: naka facemask pala ako no lol, balakayojan

#geeleeyan #Self #Me #Outandabout

[arcticjilliandreams]

1 WEEK BEFORE I SEE ALEX DANCE LIVE

Well at least I have that to look forward to. Otherwise I won't have anything exciting lined up. (oh wait I remember I'll also be meeting @finnicksghost when she comes to the south next weekend)

I've got lots of trauma dumping to do but I don't want to as I'm still in a shitty mood. But, I did come up with another way to put myself in the history section. (credits to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiRAFPT2Ebg&ab_channel=CasualGeographic for this creative line)

Travel to Thailand with a stranger and then idiot me would forget not to carry anyone's baggage when asked and that baggage had a shit ton of illegal drugs and I'll be put in jail because of it (of course the Philippine's vlogger won't do anything also why do I even expect anything in the 1st place as he is an idiot) and I would have the death sentence due to Thailand's harsh punishment for this kind of crime. I need to edit my sentence's but who the fuck cares.

Also, I have another canker sore under my gums and it fucking hurts when I slide my tongue to where it is.

Tapos bwiset bakit daw ayaw ko na lang mag stay dito sa bahay at mag wfh. Gusto niyo ba talaga mawalan na ko ganang mabuhay? Well nagiging 60/50 na actually, I'm enjoying to drink again. But I'm trying not to over do it or else another visit to my neurologist.

#geeleeyan #life update #ArcticMonkeys #LiveinManila

[arcticjilliandreams]

Akala mo makakatulog ka na mahimbing at mahaba? JOKE LANG, HERE'S A BAD DREAM.

2 am and again wide awake. I don't know why I was in an office for the city (heck I don't even have experience as a personal assistant) but I was being held hostage by a boss who wouldn't let me go home. As much as I don't want to admit that my father was there, fortunately he was the one who helped me escape. The boss went crazy when I left, had to defend ourselves with a broken plate or whatever it was I had in my hand.

#geeleeyan #weird nightmare

[arcticjilliandreams]

February 3, 2023

When I discovered Arctic Monkeys released The Car a few months ago (or on January because that was one freaking long month) I thought I wouldn't be enjoying it compared to TBHC (well I think I can enjoy it now come to think of it) but things change and situations are not the same as it was last year or last month. Like for example Paramore and Fall Out Boy released new albums and songs. Those really tug at my emotions and I can absolutely relate to the songs.

#geeleeyan #thoughts #Arctic Monkeys #FallOutBoy #Paramore

[arcticjilliandreams]

February 2, 2023

Yesterday I was watching White Palace (simping on Susan Sarandon & James Spader) and I read a review somewhere that it was a forgettable version of The Graduate. I can't agree just yet because I haven't watched TG yet. It got me thinking, maybe I should date a 40 year old since I'm turning 30 in 6 months anyway lol.

EDIT: Or Idk Jillian maybe enjoy being single for once and grow the f up

Let me first find a job so I don't go crazy like 4 years ago. We don't want that no sir.

Trabaho ko na lang ata mag block spam accounts dito eh sa totoo lang.

#geeleeyan #thoughts #90smovie

[arcticjilliandreams]

(Me sleeping without melatonin): My dogs: ha you thought you can get away sleeping uninterrupted

Yesterday the parentals and I were talking about my cousin who is already orphaned. She only has her half brother but he lives with his wife and son somewhere else. Her older sister died as a kid due to dengue, I think we were closer in age if she was alive today. (Ayaw ko na mag english sa part na to kasi mas magandang version kung tagalog lol) Yung isa sinabi buti walang inferiority complex, sumagot naman ako (without pausing to think I might add) kung wala naman natanggap na trauma. They didn't say a peep.

I don't want to brag and say because I was right kaya hindi sila nakasagot, pero paano nga naman magkaka trauma kung maaga nawala? Most of my uncle's life was spent somewhere else when she was in college. She was very young to even have bad memories from her sister. My aunt was a very caring person (and great cook too I might add, her baked mac was to die for!)

EDIT: I don't know about the half brother because I have no idea how he is like.

So I don't know if I have the right to claim that my answer was correct.

#geeleeyan #lifeupdate #Philosophical question lol

[arcticjilliandreams]

The amount of spam accounts that followed me is annoying and really frustrating. So it has been more than a week since my dog bit me, a day before that a cousin of a friend was found dead. At first it was thought to have been a suicide but its still under investigation. ANYWAY, earlier this morning the parentals went grocery shopping and unfortunately the senior citizen bought a lot of chicken not asking if we have any in the freezer (we have a ton btw 🙄). When I told him I didn't put the chicken in the freezer so it can be cooked immediately, you want to know what he did? He shouted at me like it was my fault. I thought I could shrug it off but here I am writing about it late at night. This is one of the instances I want to ask about our neurologist but alas I might have a talking to when we get home. Hopefully I can pass it off to the other parental unit to do the task.

Ok thats enough, I need for the melatonin to take effect. I haven't taken it for 5 days so far my sleeping sched starts at 12 am and I wake up at 8 ish or 9 ish 😂

#geeleeyan #lifeupdate

[arcticjilliandreams]

January 20, 2023

I'm becoming too dependent on Sleepasil again. Also, I just got bit by my dog. Of course we have another trauma to add to the list. Instead of sympathizing with me, I'm to blame because I interfered with the quarrel outside or I should have something to hit the dogs with. Sorry I was just listening to what the dog experts were saying. "Hindi naman mag papatayan yan eh." Dexter: wow sorry ha hindi pa pala ako papatayin mga kasama kong aso sa itchura at iyak ko na yun (If only my dog could speak.) I have no reason to go to RITM, I'll just let rabies take effect if there ever is (Fortunately all of them have been given shots and I was also given one before).

Masakit lang left hand ko and visibly upset.

#geeleeyan #lifeupdate #isthishowidie

[arcticjilliandreams]

"I'd probably still adore you with your hands around my neck."

(Arctic Monkeys - 505)

So I just finished watching Me Before You. Good to know that my suicidal tendencies are still there and my good days are fleeting. I just sometimes wonder if Will was better off signing a DNR instead of having assisted suicide.

EDIT: I keep getting followed by spam accounts seriously what the heck.

#geeleeyan #somewhatlifeupdate

[arcticjilliandreams]

Last night's dream was the best! I dreamt I was able to get backstage with AM and also partied hard with all of them. But when Alex left it felt like the party ended with him leaving hahaha. Also got the chance to get my CD "Humbug" signed by Alex before he left, I can feel the sadness through his eyes when I looked at him which was very depressing.

Ok thats enough.

#geeleeyan #Dreaming about AM

[arcticjilliandreams]

TW: Suicide/ Self-harm

Let me write what I'm thinking right now while its still fresh.

How ironic is it that I grew up in a Christian household and I have thoughts of sticking a gun in my mouth or just hanging myself where people will see me when I'm no longer breathing?

To think that I have a complete family, I had everything given to me on a silver platter, didn't experience going to bed hungry and I still have the nerve to feel that every freaking problem in this effed up world is on my shoulders?

Kaninang umaga ang ganda nung message pero bakit ganito na mindset ko? Sabi niya kanina kapag nasa madilim ka, lumapit ka sa liwanag. Why am I thinking about death then? Wish ko lang hindi na ko magising bukas. (I doubt that would happen.)

Nag usap kami nang boyfriend ko (wow may ganoon ka pala, Jillian). I'm just copy pasting here now cuz my messenger is open. Sabi niya: "Kung alam mong may problema karin ikaw lang makakasagot hindi ako"

Tama naman siya.

Ayoko na. Mag reready na nga ako matulog. Pagod na ko unawain utak ko. Tapos magising na naman ako alas tres ano po, body clock?

#geeleeyan #wtfisthis #freshfromthepits #depressionsucks #TWsuicide

[arcticjilliandreams]

2:14 am and I'm wide freaking awake.

Sabi ko pipikit lang ako saglit, then nagising at 12 am. Anung oras na naman kaya ako makakatulog opo.

HAPPY NEW YEAR PALA LOL. Started the year with an injury on my right thumb due to that faulty toilet seat. Guess how difficult it is to do simple tasks when your thumb is injured? Can't imagine it right? I wouldn't wish this on anyone (well except insensitive people HAHAHA) Also, honest question.

I change my mind, too horrible to share here. I'll probably still remember it years later if my ADHD brain doesn't remind me.

(Random ko na naman kung saan saan na pupunta isip ko) Watched Deleter a few days ago with my cousin (thanks to my aunt overseas for the money!) Honestly, Nadine's performance was excellent. She really deserved that award. Hindi nga lang ako natakot puro kasi jumpscare na walang dating. The blood and gore were ok lang, parang nakita ko na in American films. Well written ang plot, ending was left to the viewer. Parang may part 2 pa in my opinion. Wish ko meron hahaha.

I have so many things I want to talk about but my thumb is now complaining from all this pressure so I will now end it here.

sana makatulog na po ako, opo.

EDIT: My PCOS is screwing with my hormones again.

#geeleeyan #cant sleep #deletermovie #mmff2022 #nadine lustre #mikhail red

[arcticjilliandreams]

And to another session of gaslighting myself without the help of anyone.

Another red flag, am I really that selfish that I go through stuff like this just for me to get what I want?

Yes, yes you are.

Totally irrelevant, I'm almost done watching Miranda. Thank goodness for subtitles or I wouldn't understand a thing they are saying lol. Next show to binge watch is That 70s Show.

Now to go back to sleep.

#geeleeyan #gaslightingsuccessful #MirandaHart #TomEllis

[arcticjilliandreams]

Merry Christmas?

You thought the downward spiral of my mental health ended last night? Oh no no no!

I dreamt last night part of my stomach (below my ribcage I guess) was cut open and blood was leaking out of me like a problematic pipe and I was surprisingly calm about it. I just worried about it when I rolled over in bed and that was when I woke up. It was too vivid of a dream because I could see my skin and body fat (the yellow part) like it was opened using a scalpel.

And you know what? I hope it happens soon or for me to have an aneurysm as I am so tired with everything.

Ironically, as I am typing this post, I'm watching a livestream of a church in Alabang. The pastor is saying that he hopes I can surrender everything. How can I surrender something that I need to live as I'm broke and jobless? The reason I'm home right now is also a long story and don't want to talk about it.

Not a priority? Heck I feel like going to church is work. I honestly question so many things now. Daily gratitude? Araw araw nga akong buhay pa medjo dismaya na ko sa totoo lang.

That's enough I think.

EDIT: I'm even gaslighting myself without anyone's help. Good job self? lol

I wanna be yours dead. Googled this line and this is what I see. Thanks google xD

#geeleeyan #notdoneyet #untilwhencanIkeepthisup

[arcticjilliandreams]

"May sakit ka ba?"

"Mahirap pala na makakita ka malaking balance"

I don't know if I'm just being fragile or I should just use this as motivation to freaking get a job in the BPO industry eventhough vertigo will probably kill me (not fatally unfortunately). I seriously need to move out stat!!!

Also, it feels nice that I wasn't the only one disagreeing with the speaker last night.

Merry Christmas btw ha!

#geeleeyan #Lifeupdate #Merry Christmas?

[arcticjilliandreams]

Hi back, I'm bitch.

So Arctic Monkeys just announced last night (12.09.2022) they will be performing here in the Philippines and my broke ass will watch it and buy VIP tickets on Monday! (Tickets go on sale on 12.10.2022) Good luck to my SA.

#geeleeyan #lifeupdate #nonotreally