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#getting floored by transgendered feelings tonight. I went full femme last night in a way that I haven’t in a long time and it really made
prans-micellar-water
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2 months
Text
to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not
#getting floored by transgendered feelings tonight. I went full femme last night in a way that I haven’t in a long time and it really made
#it clear that what I enjoy about looking feminine is the ATTENTION. PEOPLE PAY SO MUCH GODDAMN ATTENTION TO PRETTY WOMEN
#I will fully admit that I love getting positive attention for my looks irl. Like I’m not really pretty unless I
#put a lot of effort into makeup and clothes so getting compliments on my clothes/appearance is like crack cocaine
#which is not healthy. I don’t WANT to care about what I look like
#but tbh one of the reasons I enjoyed cosplaying so much is that I got all that attentiob without the requisite feminity. Hahaha hhhhhhh
#Last night as I was putting myself together for the charity dinner I felt like I was dressing up a doll. FULL out-of-body barbie vibes
#I’m so disconnected from feminine feelings right now. But at the same time I had so much fun being pretty and getting compliments
#idk. I don’t even know how to feel. I’m so goddamned tired of all this
#if I could beam a perfect understanding of gender fluidity into the brains of everyone I meet I would have come out YEARS ago
#I just don’t want to be alienated any more than I already am from the people around me
#living in the us south means suffering alone in transness I guess.
#I don’t want to be the first genderfluid/nonbinary person EVERYONE has ever met. I don’r want to have to justify my existence
#but this cannot go on. but I’m afraid of T. I don’t want to go bald 😭
#and I still want to wear dresses from time to time
#maybe the solution is becoming a lolita lifestyler. dress myself up as a doll every day for the fucking compliments
#leave no room for dissatisfaction with feminity. FUCK
#I NEED A GENDER THERAPIST WORSE THAN ANYTHING
#BUT IT’S THE SOUTH AND THE NEAREST ONE TO ME IS OVER AN HOUR AWAY
#AND she’s out of network. FUCK
#anyway I watched an episode of the new f*llout show and it was pretty good 😊
#AND I’m playing st*rdew valley again on the new update and the update IS SO FUN
#<-lil media update to lighten up this post.
#this post was typed up not from a place of despair but from a place filled with the same emotions that a dog chasingits owntail experiences
#I’m doing well enough mentally that I can deal with my transgender feelings again yknow. maslows heirarchy of needs with m
#with transgender feelings at the top
#weekend whining
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